Should you look after your parents when they are elderly ?

Yes, of course we should. But there are various ways of looking after our parents. There are times when they need to be looked after by healthcare professionals on a 24/7 basis. We need to be supportive and attentive when that stage is reached. Otherwise, I think that it is the same premise loosely based on the relationship of the parents and adult children. We moved an hour to be near our son and his wife, they wanted/needed that, they told us. Relocating later in life, when you are still working, is tricky. You basically have to start over. Our son and his wife moved into a home 3 years ago, and are just getting the basement finished to the point where when one of us goes, the other will be moving in with them. He is putting a granny flat in their basement. But there has been alot of give and take and take and give over our son's adult life between us and him, and now him and his wife. I would love to live with them, but the thought of doing that without my husband scares me. Right now with us both alive and well, we appreciate being a 15 minute drive away.

It is the right thing to do to take care of elderly parents since they took care of their children when we were young.

This is quite an involved question. In general, yes. I about lost my sanity helping my dad take care of my mom. But my dad was footing the bill. Now, if my dad gets to where he needs care, he has been very clear in what he wants done. He said without a doubt, put him in a nursing home. He does not want to be a burden to his children, and he has gotten my sister to promise this. Of course, he expects we’ll find him a decent one, but he insists neither of us try to take care of him. While I am not in physical or financial shape to take care of him my sister and her husband are. And while I think she will indeed find a facility for him if he gets unable to care for himself, I know without a doubt she’ll spend her own money making sure it’s the best possible one. But if we both had our way, he’d just come live with us.

We helped look after my mom after she couldn't look after herself but the biggest care-giver back then was my youngest brother who lived with mom. I took her out to eat when we went out and took her shopping until she refused to walk anymore. I couldn't carry her far and told her she could walk if she wanted to come to our house or go out to eat. She said she wasn't interested so we went to her house and watched her while my brother went out for the day or overnight. And yes, the government paid her Social Security after she reached the age she was eligible to draw it. When mom started making my youngest brother carry her to the bathroom, we put her in a nursing home. The state pays Pretty to help me even though they won't pay me Social Security or Disability though they say I'm old enough to be eligible to draw it now. Back when mom was still alive, Missouri didn't pay doctor, hospital or dental bills for older Americans. Now, they do. Other states paid for those things back then but Missouri only started paying those a few years ago.

No I do not feel that adult children are obligated to take care of their elderly parents. Would it be nice if they did? Sure, but families are often dysfunctional. They try to play that guilt trip on you, but sometimes the parents weren't good parents. When my mom became ill in 2017 at age 75, neither my brother nor I would take her in. There was a lot of history on that. She was a hoarder (the filthy kind), she was dishonest, she was noncompliant with medical orders, etc. We did everything to find her proper state assistance and a clean apartment to live in and set her up to succeed, but once again she didn't do her part. She ran away from the home to "go live under a bridge with the homeless people." Yes, she had mental illness issues that we couldn't handle.

Of course..we should take care of them. Its our responsibility. If we don't, who will. They ain't gonna be here forever. We need to be there for them every step of the way

How about looking after ill spouses? I am on my second ill husband. My daughter and son-in-law have already said that if/when I need care they will help in whatever way I would like. My brother took my dad into his home. He also looked after my mother. Each of us looked after our youngest sister. I took care of my older sister, even though she has two daughters who are nurses, I was her primary companion and carer. I think that is what families should do.

@traceyjayne It’s lovely that you feel that way about your mum. I suppose it used to be expected that that’s what would happen, and before the proliferation of nursing homes (perfidious places!) So many consideration with this one. If husband and wife both work they might not be able to have an unattended elderly relative at home during the day. Used to be a person’s children would not have moved too far from their parents so the work could have been shared around. Often a grandchild would move in with granny. Nursing homes should be a last resort really. A minefield of a question you raise!