Not just a bad kid

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At work on Friday, the teacher I'm in with and I were talking about the now 5th graders after there was a case of head lice. Yes, head lice. We currently have a couple of cases going on in our classroom. Despite my best efforts to keep the kids from sharing anything that goes near their heads, they're 5 and 6, so as you can imagine, that is no easy feat. Anyway, I mentioned that a girl who would now be a 5th grader and how her mom tried to bleach her and her sister's hair to try and get rid of lice. If you know anything about lice at all, you know this doesn't work. At the mention of her name, the teacher said she was a really mean little girl. I told her I knew she could be. I have no illusions about how mean and sneaky she could be, but I still loved her. I then explained how her parents fought over who got stuck with her. She had been back and forth between her parents because neither one wanted her. She moved in and out of district several times and is now gone again after she moved towards the end of last school year. Her mother put her on medication to deal with her issues that she gave her. I still get mad thinking about it. That poor girl, in only the first grade, told me she didn't want to take her picture home because her mom wouldn't like it and that her mom doesn't love her. She was in first grade! I still get upset thinking about it. I know she could be rough. I know she was sneaky. I know she sometimes tried to play me, but I could usually tell when she was being genuine, and I loved her. I still worry about her. I know she had gotten into a lot of trouble over the past couple of years. I know at one point she snuck out of her house and got in trouble for running away, but why wouldn't she? She didn't feel safe and loved. She was mean and sneaky because she was deflecting. She always had to be tough. Everything was her responsibility at home. She had a soft side, though; she was really good with the friends I worked with. She did sometimes get mean with some of the kindergartners. I called her on it once. She would tell me how they did this or that, and I looked at her, and I would ask her, "How old are they?" She would tell me, and I'd ask, "How old are you?" Once again, she'd tell me, and I'd say, "Who do you think needs to be the bigger person in this scenario?" She would always reluctantly tell me she did; of course, she rarely ever was the bigger person. I don't care what people say; bad kids are usually bad for a reason. They are usually dealing with trauma we can't comprehend. That said, they eventually still need to learn accountability and be disciplined when they mess up. This girl always knew I loved her, even after I got after her. She needed someone to say, "I know you're not perfect; you messed up, and now you need to take accountability for your actions, but I still love you. I'm holding you accountable because I love you". She never got that at home. She was screamed at and felt so unloved. She learned to be sneaky as a way of survival. She became mean as a way to deflect. She was usually better when she hung out with the better-behaved kids but always found herself falling back into the wrong crowd. I always told people I could see her becoming a teen mom, and I always hoped I was wrong. I want so much for her to have a bright future. I want her to go to college or find a career that makes her happy and earns her a good living. I want her to eventually find someone in the future who makes her happy and build a family, if she wants one, with them, and for her to be a much better parent than her parents were to her. I want so many good things for her. I want her to see her worth. I want her to know she's better than she has been led to believe by her family. I want her to really see herself the way she can be and not the tough exterior she puts up for everyone else to see. She rarely shows emotion. She thinks she has to be strong all the time because of the way she's been treated her whole life. I wish she could see the good in herself. I wish she could see how worthy she is of love. Kids like her get such a bad reputation. I understand why. On paper, she would be seen as bad. She can be mean, she can be defiant, she can be all of these bad adjectives, but she has so many good adjectives that describe her too. I really hope that one day she sees it in herself. I hope I will one day get to see her again and that she turned out to be everything I know she's capable of being and more.