I need some advice,can anyone help me?

United States
April 28, 2007 2:46pm CST
My husband has 2 children from previous marriages. One lives in another state and the other lives 20 minutes from where we are. Here is my problem: His one child (in another state) never calls him on his birthday(which just happens to be today the 28th. The other child is only coming over for a few hours for a friend's kids birthday not for her Dad's. I see that this hurts my husband and I feel like I should try to do something but I don't know what. The kids are 14 and 16. Can anyone help me make them see what this stuff is doing to their Dad? His son in another state refused to come here over the holidays and it's been almost a year since my husband has seen him and he is hurting,his son never calls him unless the ex wants money. What do I do??? Any thoughts?
6 people like this
15 responses
@kumbarn14 (686)
• Pakistan
28 Apr 07
First of all you are to blame for these 2 childrens plight because you set fire to their house by taking their father away from them. Secondly the father deserve this treatment from his kids because this is what he did to them. A good father will not bother of him family and kids for another women. There is where a mother should make her children from the time she is blessed with a kid to think of heavenly/spiritual thoughts. When the child is born and growing up the good teaching of our holy books should be read to these kids even they are small and dont understand but they will hear. When they are about 5 years teach them to read little prayers from your bible or else you can remind them when they do some wrong, going to sleep and while having food. Such children grow up to be loving children and they will also love everything creatted by our almighty. Talk about the beautiful things in heaven mentioned in your Holy Book, they will love to listen to you.
• United States
28 Apr 07
First of all I wasn't even envolved with the divorce of either of my husband's 2 ex wives! I was only 12 when his first wife divorced him because she was cheating on him with another man and I was 19 still living at home when his second wife divorced him because she was having an affair on him also.2 years later when I was 21 is when we met. If you didn't whant to give me advice then you should have just moved on. How dare you judge me! God is the only one that can do that! His 2nd wife remarried the next week after the divorced was finalized and just moved out of state last year. Before that he had both childen every weekend and still pays child support to this day and always has! Dear kumbarn14 HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
babyangie27 Take a look at kumbarn14's profile. Look at where he is from. They have a whole different outlook at the place of women in the world. He doesn't have a right to judge. Situations happen and a person has to deal with them the way they feel they need to do. A parent can only do the best that they can do. Just because a person brings up a child in all the right ways doesn't mean that they aren't going to stray as they grow older. Listen to your heart and try to help the kids see that they are hurting their dad badly. He loves them are else it wouldn't matter to him. Don't be upset by what this member said. You asked for advice and he gave judgement. Don't let it get to you. It's not worth it.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Thank you for all the good advice,I will try some of these things and hope for the best.
1 person likes this
@icequeen (2843)
• Canada
28 Apr 07
I think that you should have a talk with the kids...and let them know that it is thier dad's birthday...and that they should acknowlege it in some fashion...either with a phone call...card..etc. Let them know that there father does not show it but he loves them and wants to hear from them on his birthday and when he doesn't it is upsetting to him....
4 people like this
• United States
28 Apr 07
I will try to talk to them we have always been close. Their where 8 and 10 when I met their father so I hope if I let them know they will see how he feels. He always tells them how much he loves them but never let's them know when he feels hurt because he doesn't want them to see that side of him. Thank you.
3 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
28 Apr 07
This was really interesting to me because my s/o also has two children from a previous relationship and they are 14 and 16 also. Also the 16 year old lives 20 minutes from me and the 14 year old lives almost in another state! Anyway...Since this is hurting your husband it's only natural that it hurts you too. All I can say is what I did to open the lines of communication between my s/o and his children. I don't know if it would work for you though. Both my s/o's children have yahoo IM and myspace. I just started talking to them myself. I asked the 14 year old if they were coming up for the weekend when it got close to her dad's birthday and told her he'd love to see her. The 16 year old tells me about problems he's having that he doesn't want to talk to his dad about and I used examples from his dad's teen years to explain that his dad will be ok with it or will at least understand. They still aren't extremely close with him but it's much better than it was. Teenagers are funny creatures...if you TELL them to do something they most likely won't do it, if you simply state a fact and leave it to them to make the decision they usually chose the right thing!
4 people like this
• United States
28 Apr 07
Wow that is strange but interesting. I have a good relathionship with the kids since I have been around them since they were 8 and 10. So I will tell them what's going on and see if that helps. I know my husband never lets on how he feels when he is upset but he always makes sure to tell them he loves them. Thank you.
3 people like this
@smartmom (827)
• United States
28 Apr 07
Is there any way that your husband can take a roadtrip with the child who lives close by to go see the other child. Maybe they need some one on one time with their father, or maybe it would be great for your husbands children to meet with him on neutral grounds. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with your house, and I do not even think this, I just know that teenagers can have their own spin on things. Maybe, they would be more comfortable if their father visited them, or took them on a short vacation, even if it is just a day trip to Six Flags or something, where they could have lots of fun together.
• United States
28 Apr 07
My husbadn lost his job so we have no money to go see his son in another state or six flags and the 16 year old doesn't get along at all with the 14 year old. But thank you for the thoughts I will try to set something up somehow.
3 people like this
• India
29 Apr 07
C the main pblm is tht u r hurt 'cause of ur husband's sadness.if it can help try to make him happy whenever he is sad.keep him busy with sumthin or the other.if he still remembers them then u shud make a move.u shud go to the child who lives nearby n try to explain wht the matter is.try to convince him to meet his father atleast once a month.if he can understand his father then he wil surely come.the other son which lives far is the main pblm for both of u s i think u r havin sum financial pblm.bt still try to go to meet him on his b'day i.e his son's b'day.so he will feel tht his father is expecting the same from him. hope this response wud prove to b useful to u.
• United States
29 Apr 07
We just found out that he might be coming to spend the summer with us,so that would be great and a great oppertunity for them to spend time together. I think my hubby will always have a problem bonding with his 16 year old daughter because she has always been pretty strong headed like her dad but you never know,thanks
1 person likes this
@leeesa (886)
• United States
29 Apr 07
I don't know if this is the case here, but I've seen situations where divorce occurs and the custodial parent badmouths the other parent so much to the kids that the kids side with the custodial parent since they live with them. They are afraid to do otherwise. When they become adults, they see the truth and end up resenting the custodial parent, but end up repairing the relationship with the other parent. I would say to give it time. It hurts, but I believe that time will heal this situation. My son is 23 and he forgets my birthday and Mother's day all the time. It hurts, but I know it isn't intentional. That's just how he is and either I accept it or let it ruin my life.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
I know that both of his exes have done a little bashing when it came to him in the past but I'm not sure about it now. I will try to give it time and hope for the best,Thanks
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 07
The only thing to do is be there for your husband. It would be hard to talk to the kids because they are in their teens and they may see you at the "wicked stepmother".His ex may be happy that they don't come over.Maybe your husband can arrange an outing with his son. You know just guys outing.That way he can see him and if he doesn't come over because he feels uncomportable at your house, he won't have to be at your house.And maybehe can do the same with the other child. The other is a girl? Then maybe they could do something like going out to eat just the two of them.That way he gets to see them without being at the house. And if it is because they resent you, you won't be there.Wish hubby a happy birthday. Take care.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Thank you and yes I know how the teens sometimes see me. I will make sure my husband tries to do more things with his kids just one on one,when we have the money and they are over here. Thank you so much.
2 people like this
• Canada
29 Apr 07
Well sometimes we should understand that kids have hard time accepting that their dad has a new family. In fact I think other kids will NEVER learn to accept it. Maybe you can convince your husband to try to make the first move. At least to show his kids that their Dad is trying to keep in touch with them and will always be there for them. And just by showing that he's hurting means that he loves his sons. At least there is love in his part.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Yes I know he son had a problem with us for a long time. I think now he ok with it because he does talk to me,but I know my husband needs to call him more and hopefully the son with be coming to spend some time in the summer with us. Thanks
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
29 Apr 07
It is really too bad that your husband isn't as close to his kids as he would like. Thing is, it isn't something you can help him with except to get him focused on celebrating with you, which is probably the way it should be. There are reasons his kids behave toward him the way they do and only they can patch things up. I the best thing you can do is make plans for the two of you and celebrate. I would hope that, eventually, his time with you would become more important than whether or not his kids make a fuss over him. That might sound harsh, but the history that they have with each other isn't something that can be changed. Good luck!
3 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
We did go and have a nice time last night and he made the first move with his children and let them know how he felt and that they needed to spend more time together over the summer. Thank you
1 person likes this
@sweetdesign (5151)
• United States
29 Apr 07
I am on the other side of this problem.....My daughter and I live 3000 miles from her father. When we lived in the same state she did all the calling they never picked up the phone to call her. For 4 years she was virtually ignored by him then he came back into her life and everyother weekend she would come back from his place with an attitude from h***. Now that we live this far away I only have to deal with that attitude when they call about nce a month or every other month (they aren't calling now cause he isn't paying his support and hasn't in 4 months). What you are dealing with in regards to the 16 year old is two part. One he is 16 and probably has a pretty heavy social life. He will not want to leave his friends or his comfort zone. Two you don't know what kind of influence his mother maybe having on his opinion of his father. With the 14 year old is an adolescent girl probably with a heavy social life as well. Teens don't want to leave their friends or their comfort zone. You could try sending the 16 year old phone cards to call his dad. Reach out to both of them. Plan a time for a family gathering that does not interfere with school obligations or the bigger part of the summer like at the beginning of summer and arrange for the 16 year old to be there. Plan it for optimal time with thier dad. Good Luck.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Thank you for being so nice about it,I know it is hard from both sides,but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that her father isn't taking care of buisness like he should. The 16 year old is the girl and the 14 year old is the boy,but your points make sense. I will try the phone card thing and I will speak with my husband to make sure he does he part,thank you again and Good luck to you also.
1 person likes this
@Maxturvy (114)
• Philippines
29 Apr 07
What you can do is just give your compassion and sympathy to him.If the two of you has its own children now in your recent relationship then try to have a family outing with kids. Go to the park with him and talk about your life and your future not even tackling about his past family.Don't ever tried to tell him you are also worried about his situation. This is just one way to divert his focus on his past marriage and its siblings but in the way around you are trying to help him and make confrontation with its past family. And if ever you don't have any kids around then make a small family reunion or family celebration (you can afford) where you tried to contact the former wives of your husband and tell about the party. You must convince them to attend the said party. Let it not be known to your husband for it is a surprise gathering.I thought this will help a bit if there is no hindrance of the other side like financial matters and emotional hatred involved.Just make a try if so ever; leave it to God for the rest of the problem. He will lighten your heavy loads.
• United States
29 Apr 07
We have a 4 year old daughter,so we enjoyed his birthday with her, and his children called him and talked to him and I told them they should come spend time here in the summer so they can spend tiem with their dad. It will be hard to get everyone together but I hope it will help them all heal.,Thank you
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 07
There is nothing you can do with those children at all. It's sad and unfortunate, but if you take the time with your husband to make the biggest deal you can out of his special day, maybe it will help him focus on what he has right now, and not dwell on that which he can't control. It's sad the way couples who split up use their children to hurt each other, but that's what this sounds like.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Yes i beileve the kids have heard too many bad things about their Dad over the years. But I hope when they grow up they find out the truth. Thank you so much.
1 person likes this
• Canada
29 Apr 07
teenagers can be a funny bunch. i suggest you give them their space for now, they will eventually come to see that there are more important things, like family. and if it bothers your husband so much, why not have him write a letter to his kids and explain how he feels. eveything looks better in black and white. if you take the time to write it down, then it's got to make an impression on them. my children are adults now and i went through this with them, there was a long period of not seeing them at all unless they needed something. i was always there for them and will be till i die. my late father always said if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was always yours, if it doesn't hunt it down and kill it lol.........he was a funny guy!!!!!
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Yes is sure sounds like he was very funny. I hope to make the relathionship with the kids and my hubby stronger over the summer. I know teens are so sensitive and sometimes hard to deal with but I will still try to get through to them. Thanks and have a great day!
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
29 Apr 07
The kids are teenagers. They probably do what any normal teenagers do, having fun. But if I were you, I just go out and celebrate his birthday. Make something special so for a moment, he will forget all his heartache.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 07
Yes we did spend a good night last night with our daughter(she is 4) and we talked alot,I hiope with the summer coming we can spend more time with the other children,thanks
1 person likes this
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
29 Apr 07
Babyangie, It is difficult to see somone that we love being in pain....and you will probably not like my answer.....your husband has to repair his relationship with his children....honey, you just can not do it for him...you might be able to arrange it for the children to be at your house more...but even that will not repair the relationships. Your husbands children NEED to know that they are causing him pain....but they NEED to hear that from him..not you! You can discuss this with your husband, and encourage him to talk to his children but that is about all that you can do....HE has to want to and take the initiative ....talk to his children and find out "why" they are not an active participant in their fathers lives...maybe they feel a responsibility because of the divorces...or they feel that he does not care...or their mothers have alienanted them.... I know that this is hard for you.....and I pray that your husband will try to patch things up with his children...Good luck, my friend, you are in my thoughts and prayers....
• United States
29 Apr 07
Thank you, I have spoke to him and we are planning to have the children this summer. Hopefully he can get back to work soon and have some money so he can take them places alon,and get some quality time with them. It has always been hard for him to tell them when he hurts but I'm glad he always tells them how much he loves them. Thank you so much,we need alot of prayer right now because this isn't the only hard thing we are dealing with.
1 person likes this