I have a friend that continually borrows money, the amount that they owe is huge
By Loverbear
@Loverbear (4918)
United States
May 6, 2007 2:33pm CST
I have a very close friend that continually borrows money for food. They live in a one bedroom apartment that has a rent that people would kill for. They get about $900 a month and after rent and utilities they have around 600 to pay for food and other stuff. They don't own a car so they don't have car expense and they don't have children. The do have a dog, which is treated like a child rather than a companion animal.
Each month it has gotten to be a habit that she pays me part of what she has borrowed back and then ends up borrowing that much and considerably more. This past month it was $220 for food. I am on disability income and own a vehicle and my home and have considerably higher overhead than she does. I watch the money I spend as I HAVE to do home repairs that are for safety. I am very conserative on what food I buy and live mostly on poultry and vegetables. I don't mind loaning the money, but it would be nice to get it back without worring about her borrowing it again. I don't do my usual shopping anymore because of the fact that I know this friend will need to borrow money for food. The debt has hit close to two thousand dollars.
I should add that the lady weighs in at 375 pounds and she and her husband drink sodas continually. I have seen the lady consume 2 hamburgers an extra large order of fries and several servings of soda. The first money I loaned them last month went for shrimp, special cut deli meat, sodas, cookies and chips. I went with her the second shopping trip and it was pretty much the same except for expensive microwave bacon, more special cut deli meats, prepackaged precooked specialized dinner meat that sells for $7 a package and even more cookies. The last trip I went with her and she was picking up special trimmed pork steaks at $6 while I got chops at $1.99 a pound. I tried to show her where the dollar would stretch and she wasn't interested. They only eat the "best", which is more expensive and is coming out of my pocket.
Several years ago I loaned them the money to buy an inexpensive car, which broke down later. I tried to get them to at least sell the car so that there would be some money back...instead she DONATED the car to a charitable organization. I don't begrudge the donation, but in their financial position I would think they would opt for the money to help support themselves. She thinks of something she wants and there are LARGE hints dropped to me to see if I have the money to get her what she wants. One month it was to see if I had the money to loan her to join a weight loss clinic...
For this last loan last month, I had to raid my savings jar and return items to the store that I had just bought them from. After I loaned them the money, my dryer quit and I had a blow out on the front tire of my car. I had to replace both tires because of it being a front wheel drive. To replace the tires I had to borrow the money from a friend. I paid the friend back immediately after I got my income.
I don't mind loaning her money for food, if it is spent intelligently and if I do get paid back and don't have to worry about calls that they are hungry. I haven't had a month in the past 6 that there hasn't been the need to borrow. I feel that they really need to look at their spending habits and make adjustments.
I am wondering if I am right in being upset and tired of being borrowed from. It cuts me short on my needs and with the number of miles I have to drive from my home to the nearest town (I live 40 miles out in the country, my home was inherited from my Mom) and then I also have to drive 500 extra miles a month to drive to a major hospital for medical treatment.
Should I be as upset and sick over being used as a bank?
4 people like this
18 responses
@scholastic (728)
• India
7 May 07
i don't know but sometimes the hardest thing to do is to say no to people who are close to you and believe me half of the problems one faces could be solved if he/she learns to say no when needed..moral of the story you need to decide whether you continue to want to help your friend or want to follow your brain and say no to him..but i know its easier said than done.howver you have to try..
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
It may be the hardest thing to do, but often times it's the kindest thing to do. If I keep supplying money for her needs and wants, she won't learn the lesson of doing for herself. It's a hard lesson to learn to distinguish the difference between wants and needs but she has to do it. With the wonderful answers from the members of myLot, I have gained the courage to say no, and stick to the NO!
1 person likes this
@magnet (2087)
• United States
7 May 07
I would not loan anymore money to that friend. If someone owes me money I don't loan another dime until I'm paid back. I don't really believe in loaning money to people. That kind of stuff can end friendships if you don't get your money back.
Maybe she should relocate. Here in NC I've seen houses that are 2000 sqare feet for $150,000-$200,000 depending on the location.
@adamk911 (54)
• United States
7 May 07
You are a very nice person to be doing this for this person. Stop giving them money and make sure she continues to pay you back because the first time you say No to lender these people money they might stop paying you back. They are extremely overweight and getting worse. If you continue to lend them money for more food you are part of the cause of their possible health problems. But the more important thing to think about is that they are taking advantage of you. Dont let this continue you need to think about yourself first. It is nice that you think of others and try to help but sometimes you need to say enough is enough.
Make sure they continue to pay you back and get your money back do not let them borrow anymore money because that amount they owe you will just go higher and higher. Dont let them continue to take advantage of you like this.
@adamk911 (54)
• United States
7 May 07
Well I guess that is something you can do, I went and lent 3000 dollars to a friend of mine. But the agreement was to pay me back 3250 so it was like I gained interest on the loan. But that was something we both agreed on I dont know how that can work for you. Its just an idea
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
She keeps telling me that she doesn't eat that much...if she isn't she should be loosing weight like crazy. If she would move around she'd loose weight and then be employable and stop borrowing from me. I have nothing against obese people, but when it gets to be this morbid then the person does need to do something. The first thing is to cut back on the food intake. Doing that would increase the amount of food they have during the month and decrease the amount of money they need to spend on food.
Thankfully everyone has said the same thing, just say NO!!! The thing one of my instructors said, and it's true, is that I am also loosing money on what I loan them because I'm not even drawing interest on the loan. I wonder how many people would be as apt to borrow if the friend lending them the money said "Sure, but your going to need to pay me 8% interest compounded quarterly"? Interesting thought huh?
Thank you so much for your input. Each response I read makes me feel so much better and more determined to not loan her any more money unless it's a dire emergancy-not just not having food.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
7 May 07
Better if you talk to them directly so they'll know that you too needs extra money for the house repair, etc. If they keep on borrowing to you and paying less, then youe're not really helping them but rather you're spoiling them to do that. In this case they're not force to do their part to improve their life. How can they pursue to change for the better if you're always there to help them in times of need. True, it's not bad to help but they're abusing you much already. For now they're paying you that much, worst if they will not pay you anymore. Little amount if you sum that up it will become big already. So as early as now, talk to them. Once, twice of helping is just fine but more than that is too much.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
I have made it painfully clear to them about the home repairs. Her husband (who is thin) is more than willing to help me with the repairs. Some of them are pretty extensive like a bathroom remodel, kitchen remodel and redoing the decking. I also am looking at replacing carpeting and flooring. It adds up quickly.
I just have to have the guts to say that I don't have the money. When it gets to the point that I am cutting myself short and returning stuff that I really didn't want to return so that they could have the money is really pushing things.
Thank you for your input. I am feeling so lighthearted right now, because my upset has been justified. I can now go foreward with cutting the borrowing off and trying to get my budget back on track.
@joice86 (1078)
• Philippines
7 May 07
It's alright to lend a money but if they are borrowing from you often then you should think twice before lending them again. It's so nice of you that you have been lending them money monthly which other people will not do it. Even if it's their family member, they don't like to lend them money. They have been borrowing money from you which they only spend unwisely. It's your hard earned money so you should know how to save it so that by the time you need money, you have something to spend. I hate it when my friend will just borrow money from me to buy clothes for herself. I think one should only borrow money when it is really a need, not when they will just use it to satisfy their wants.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
They have a history of borrowing money. They borrow it from the apartment owners...from what I understand they just finished paying him back (I shudder to think of how much money they owed him!) It's a horrible habit and they need to break that habit...which it probably won't happen. But it won't continue with me. I can't do it and I needed the justification from people who have been there. I am like you, I don't mind loaning them money IF it's used wisely and for their needs. They never stop to think that it is taking money away from our needs and wants.
Thank you for your justification! I felt so guilty at being so upset and angry about the constant borrowing.
@anubiz (43)
• Philippines
7 May 07
You know you are just to nice nxt time she borrows you money tell her that she wont getting any money from you if she's not planning to pay or pay you the amount she borrowed from you.. and if shes not goin to pay then dont let her borrow anything... I my self borrows money from a friend but no matter how long i pay the amount ill still pay for it i would never forget about it coz someone tryed to work hard to earn that money and if someone does that thing to what your friend does to you i wouldnt let that person get any money from me unless she pay what she owes.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
Thank you so much for making the point about working hard to earn the money. I design and make teddy bears to sell for extra money. I don't always sell bears every month, so I can't count on that income. In between I recycle aluminum, glass and other stuff. I do what it takes to survive and make ends meet. She sits all day long and works on plastic canvas projects and watches TV. It kind of gets to me too, because she will call when she's bored--interrupting my doing my college homework. I tell her that I'm doing homework and she just keeps talking. It hasn't failed either, when I have a test coming up and I'm trying to study for it she will always manage to have some need to prevent my studying for the test. She'll justify it with "You're smart, you'll ace it without studying." Uh, most students do have to study for exams. There aren't many without their noses in a book!
Thanks for your input. I hadn't even considered how much I work for the little extra money I get. The last money I had saved for a trip went into their stomachs.
She did apply for disability, and she assurred me that she'll pay me everything she owes when she gets the disability. That's great, but it doesn't help me now.
@xbrendax (2662)
• United States
7 May 07
My question is: Why the heck are you STILL giving them money? You are too nice and are being used by those people, so you are going to have to get a little (un-nice) in order to stop what's going on! Next time they want some money, simply say: Sorry but I can't help you this time because my, (sister,cousin,brother etc. etc.) ran into some financial trouble and needed my help!
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
Actually it amounts to being more than a little un nice! It's going to be a flat I don't have it. I won't even justify it with an explaination. It's time for them to start spending their money wisely rather than getting their "wants" rather than taking care of their "needs". She will buy stuff and then decide to get rid of it later because she decided that she didn't like it.
Thank you so much for the support. My daughter was so right when she said to join and ask for help from the other members.
@cloud_kicker_32 (4635)
• United States
8 May 07
Sooo..let me get this right what i just read..they get to spend $600 just on the 2 of them a month? omg! that would be awesome and i wouldnt be struggling at all with my son! And whats sad is thatwe maybe have half of that amth to spend on food and etc and we make it..normally lol..and they still need to borrow money? I can see if somethig big happened..it happens to everyone..not every month.,hun they are taking somuch advantage of you and your friendship and it makes me sick to my tummy..Hun your gonna have to cut them off..and you know it in your heart..they need to grow up,be more reponsible with there money and budget things and they just cant have theer steak,cake and eat it too! lol lol! Most of us have to do it and they need that push..maybe thats why they cant get money from family..they know the same..and now they are breaking you..before you go insane hun..unless its a huge emergency..just say sorry you dont have it..
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
7 May 07
You are enabling your friend. She is using you as a crutch in order to be irresponsible.
You need to stop this, because she definitely won't. The next time she pays you back, just say, thanks, I really needed this money. And when she tries to borrow from you again, point out that you're concerned about the money that they owe you.
You might never get the full amount back, at this point. But you need to stop letting them use you as a bank. They will only learn to be responsible if they have to, and right now, they don't have to, because they've got you.
@oldboy46 (2129)
• Australia
7 May 07
You are being a good friend .. too good in fact .. because this other person is not trying to do anything to help herself. Why should she when you are giving her everything that she wants? She is not a friend at all .. she is a leech who is taking advantage of your good nature. A good friend would not do this to another good friend .. and if they need money that badly then they should get a loan from a bank.
So the very next time she comes around tell her that you will have to get some things done on your home .. for safety reasons. DO NOT lend her any money every again .. she will not learn .. and as you said you had to borrow money to get your car repaired. She is morbidly obese and is obviously eating lots of junk foods .. using your money to pay for it too.
No take the money that she owes you .. and if you know when their pay day is go around that day and ask for some money. Tell they that you have to have the work done on your home .. or whatever else .. and just get some money. You might have to do it for a long time .. and even getting back $50 per month is better than lending them more money. If you feel you want to help them .. buy a few extra healthy food items so you can give them to her .. but only when she comes around asking for money that is.
You have every right to be upset and sick over being used like this .. you are not a bank .. and in fact are better than a bank because a bank would want their money back every month. You are being used by these so-called friends .. they do not need to worry about money because they can borrow from you.
Good luck .. the best thing to do is to start to say "NO" to their requests for money, and simply do not give it to them.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
Thank you so much. It's the first time in over a month that I have smiled. I have stressed over the situation so much that I ended up in the ER for treatment. The doctor said that I have to change the way I'm doing things or else I'd be in big trouble health wise.
I made the same recommendation to my ex fiance's folks over 15 years ago. They were loaning him money right and left, and when his vehicle quit he hit them up for the money to buy a used car. I told them they weren't doing him any favors loaning him the money he needed to learn to do it for himself. It cost me a future husband, but then again he wasn't worth much anyway. He dumped me on Christmas eve and by March 1 he was married to someone with a house and two vehicles. I remembered that today and almost kicked myself to kingdom come!
Everyone's support and valid comments have helped me enormously. I am feeling much better about the anger, disappointment and varity of other feelings I am experiencing.
Oldboy, I have to admit one thing. Keep in mind that I don't have anything against the obese. But I had to purchase a different car because the Merc Tracer wagon I owned was acting up and would cost a fortune to fix. I searched for 3 months and finally bought an Acura CL, which is a small sporty car. I think subconsciously bought it because I knew that my friend wouldn't fit in it comfortably. I was right, she keeps asking me to get a seat belt extender for her because the seat belt doesn't fit around her comfortably. I haven't bought the extender yet, and am considering getting a Mazda Miata instead! I was obliquly trying to get the message across that she really needs to loose weight.
You sound like you're from my generation...thank you so much for your imput!
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
7 May 07
This really needs to stop. They have a good income and should be able to support themselves on that. All other people have to, even less than that. They are in a bad circel when they give back money, to then return and borrow more. U also need to see that even if u are helping them in the short run, you are not in the long run. Next time she pays you back, dont give her more money,. say that i do not have any and that u are sorry. Then they will have to make the dollars last like the rest of us...
@lafavorito (2959)
• Philippines
7 May 07
It seemed that they are very dependent on you. You should be firm and tell them that you cannot loan them money anymore because you have responsiblities and expenses too. Tell the woman that she doesn't need to enroll in a weight loss clinic instead she needs to cut down on soda and food in order for her to lose weight. Tell them to get a job or have a business to earn extra money for themselves. They might get hurt but you really need to think about yourself this time.
@liyan97 (2127)
• Northern Mariana Islands
6 May 07
You have every right to be upset! First I would like to point out that you are a great person, that chooses to help someone in need! What you have done is a good deed, But it is time to walk away! You can only help a person for so long.....I am hesitant to say this but it does seem like "your friend" has lost sight of your friendship and only see's personal gain from having you around! I know it is hard to accept, but you have got to STOP! When something like this begins to afflict you, the chances are you will never get a chance to help anyone else who comes along next time, because it has ultimately consumed you to the point where, you need the help. Now stop and think about it, is she there for you now at your time of need?
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
Don't hesitate to tell the truth! As it has been said "The truth will set you free". I asked for honest answers and that is what I expect.
It isn't that hard to accept, it's called self preservation. They need to learn to do it on their own...and with my help they aren't. All the various responses are making me feel so much better about my anger and disappointment at being used by a "friend". Each response I read I manage to smile a bit more. Thank you!
@resa77 (51)
• United States
6 May 07
Friend or not, I would stop giving these people money. Simple as that. Just say no. Living on $600 a month after rent and utilities is not that hard (I live on less than that) and it sounds like you are being used and taken advantage of. No amount of trying to teach, educated, suggest, and help them is truly going to help them. What will help them is you saying "No, I'm sorry, I can NOT borrow you any money. In fact, you owe me X amount already" and keep saying it until they get it through their heads. They're using you, they know you'll always come through for them, and they're living above their means because you're allowing them to. Stop enabling them and they'll start learning how to spend responsibly.
Good luck!
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
7 May 07
Thank you so much for the support. The other point that doesn't pop into her head is that I also went back to college and have expenses for that too. I got to the point that I was ready to answer the telephone with "how much do you want now?" I'm not that kind of person.
@MGjhaud (23171)
• Philippines
7 May 07
well thats ok as long as your friend is paying it reasonably. i have a friend but she's not that too much a borrower, and she pays on the right time.
my parents told me that i should not let others borrow my money to others cause they're away from me. i live away from my parents by the way, and they're the one who still supports my allowance. but sometimes i consider other's needs of money. but i make sure that they'll pay me when i need it back. for those who doesn't pay me back that good, i make excuses the next time they ask me.
@nancygibson (3736)
• France
7 May 07
Are they aware how badly they are abusing your friendship? I think you need to take a hard look at what is important and refuse to helpany more, maybe ask them to help you out with some of the things you need assistance with for a change.
@littlefranciscan (18327)
• United States
7 May 07
I would say they are better off then you and you should stop lending to them if they are not paying back..From what you have said here, they have sufficient funds to live on and thus you need to help them by taking away their dependency on you!:)+
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
7 May 07
It's definitely time to stop giving them money, especially since the money really doesn't go towards anything that really matters. They obviously spend they money frviously and don't spend it towards the basics, they spend it on stuff they really don't need. The more and more you loan them money, the more and more they're just going to keep coming back because they know you'll keep giving it to them. Stop before they really screw you over.
