Daughters behavior
By soccermom
@soccermom (3198)
United States
May 12, 2007 7:09am CST
I almost smacked my daughter last night, and this is weighing on my mind heavily. My oldest is 11, we are very close, and for the most part she has been helpful around the house without ever being asked, it's like she can sense when I am getting overwhelmed. Or she used to anyway. Lately she has been a real hard to deal with. A couple weeks ago I just about had a breakdown because I admit I am an overachiever and I try to do everything for everybody, and my hubby sat my daughters down and said they all(him included) needed to make an effort to help me around the house more. It's like at that moment she went on strike. So yesterday I worked all day and came home to a messy house, since I wanted to work in my yard today I decided to get as much done as I could. I started to tackle dishes, etc...and my daughter asked in this snotty tone(which she's had a lot lately) what my problem was. I said "I'm trying to get all this stuff done, and I still have errands to run and a ton of laundry, some help would be nice"...her reply was a real nasty look and a "Why don't you find someone else to go rag at?" Then she went into the living room and cuddled up to her stepdad, which she rarely does, and didn't speak to me all night! I didn't attempt to talk to her too much either because I was so angry at her "new attitude". All I could think of is what an ungrateful snot! She doesn't complain when she has clean soccer uniforms or tells me last minute she needs treats for school and I always come through for her. Should I be upset? Or do I chalk this up to puberty kicking in? Still, I don't think she has any right to talk to me this way, and I heard my hubby talking to her after I went to bed, and she was raising her voice and getting an attitude with him to, I'm sure it was over this situation. How do I get her in control before this gets out of hand and I end up with an unruly teenager?
11 people like this
31 responses
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
13 May 07
Gosh I can't even imagine, you are scaring me for when my kids are that age! ;)
I'd say though, you can't really punish her now for how she acted the other day. But next time it happens, I would be really firm with her and tell her that isnt acceptable toyou, and you won't tolerate it from her. You can take away her allowance, or something else important to her until she realizes MOM is in charge and not her.
Also, about the work around the house. I understand how you feel! So what I would do, is start doing a little bit less. If that means stuff doesn't get done, then so be it. You need to have some YOU time!
3 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
13 May 07
Thanks 4cute. You're right I can't punish her when it's a day after the fact, but I will keep your advice in mind next time it happens. Wouldn't it be great if there wasn't a next time?
2 people like this
@camar_lyn (1028)
• Singapore
13 May 07
I think it is a phase that needs to be looked at and guarded closely. As you know, her 'new attitude' is driving you up the wall and she's been a snot, etc... It is not going to be easy but u do have to put her back in her place. Puberty is definitely going through her considering that she is 11 years old now. But that should not be an excuse for such behavior anywhere and especially not to her mother - YOU.
Start by stopping her 'priviledges' like those school treats, clean soccer uniforms, even clean clothes. Segregate her part of the house chore so she knows it takes a huge effort to get things done around the house.
But, you should also have a mother to daughter talk when you are more calm yourself. Try not to show your daughter how affected you are at the 'new attidtude'. Do something that catches her by surprise.. maybe you both can go to the ice cream parlour or her favorite snack joint. Try to be as relaxed as possible and have a heart to heart chat. You might even find out she has a boyfriend in school. Then again, you really never know. All i can say is, prepare for the worst.
The objective is really to clear the angst between you both. Try to find out her side of the story. Hopefully things will get better after a heart to heart chat. All the best!
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
13 May 07
She's at the age. All you can do is tell her that she must be respectful of you and your husband . If she doesn't do her chores, take away privledges like TV, computers or hanging out with her friends. I have learned (from raising my oldest son) that it's all in the tone of voice I use. If I'm b*tching, then I'll get a b*tchy response. If I ask nicely, as in "Can you please empty help me out by emptying the dishwasher" I get a much better response. I woudl chalk most of it up to puberty starting up-- and it only gets worse for the next few years. Hang in there!
2 people like this
@MagdalenaM (681)
• United States
12 May 07
Hi,
Since you said you are close to her, I feel you should have a heart to heart talk. Tell her how tired you are from working all day and that you too need some help at times; tell her to do as much as she wants or as much as she can but that you would appreciate any kind of help from her side.
I personally feel that if you ask for her help and not get angry with her and make her do things that you will get more out of her in due course. You can even try to give her little encouragment by adding to her allowance if she has one or by giving her something she wants.
Girls are usually very sensitive especially when you reach to their soft side and who can do that better than her own mother.
Good Luck!
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
12 May 07
Thanks Mag. I rarely ask her to do anything, and she already gets a pretty sweet allowance for an 11 yaer old. $10 a week and we kick in $5 a week for her savings account! I rarely get angry with any of my kids, I just do what needs to be done and really don't say too much about it, that's why her attitude was uncalled for. I have never MADE her do anything. Thanks for your advice and response.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
12 May 07
This is a delicate situation. My daughter is much the same way. For some reason she is rebelling because she was told that she should be more helpful around the house. Maybe she feels that she was already being helpful and that she was told that she should help more then she may have gotten upset over that. I would try to sit down with her and talk to her like a young woman and find out what the root of the problem is. You said that for the most part she does help you as much as she can without your asking, so maybe when it was asked of her, she found it upsetting because maybe she thought that you thought she wasn't doing enough. There is no telling what goes on in the minds of our preteen daughters! Not to mention her hormones are starting to kick in and this makes them a basketcase and it is hard for them to handle all of that. I would just tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed and her help is deeply appreciated. Other than that, if the behavior keeps up when it is not warranted, I would put a stop to it, or else your going to have a big problem on your hands! I would tell her that type of attitude is a big no no in your house and will be reprimanded accordingly, but this time I would let it slide for the time being and just have that talk. After that, she knows the deal. Take care and I hope all works out for you!
3 people like this
@6in12years (305)
• United States
13 May 07
I have an 11yo also, and the hormones are definitely kicking in. Since you say this is out of character for her, I'd try to figure out what's bothering her. A couple weeks ago, my dd came home several days in a row snapping at everyone. She and I talked, and one of her friends had basically turned on her, making her life miserable at school. I let her know that she couldn't mistreat her siblings or be rude to her dad and me, but I also gave her some time to chill out on her own and tried to support her through her drama.
2 people like this
@cloud_kicker_32 (4635)
• United States
13 May 07
Ohh myyyy!! It sucks that the teenager years starts now at 10 and 11! I am soo not looking foward to it at all! lol lol! But I tell you what,there is noo damn way that I would ever let my child talk to me like that puberty or not..That was rude and uncalled for and she acts like she is the parent..rrghh! My friend has daughters that talk the same way and they stayed her for a month and i couldnt deal with it..she just let them go..me..i would have smacked her/them..i hope you dont take any offense..because i dont wish to..but this is a touchy subject for me..i see parents being talked to like that all the time and no one does anything..and they wonder why they become the way they are..soo without harming her physically..i would stop cleaning her room,washing her uniforms,cooking supper for her and make her do it herself..unless she decides to start helping me round the house,heck take away her tv or cell phone..anything to make her reliaze she cant talk to you like that,,my son is 4 and he got a mouth hanging out with these kids down the road, i mean BAD! and he wouldnt help me anymore..just simple things kids can do,,and he would mouth off..well itook away his playstation and fav hot wheels for a week..and i tell you what he never talked to me like that and always helps me when i ask..lol..and it will work when hes older.and im sure it will help you out..i know they go crazy when they go threw these years..but no way should it be tolerated to that point..and if they know they can now..its just gonna get worse hun..really bad worse..so nip it in the bud now..Lots of luck!
2 people like this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
13 May 07
No real simple answer. If your approach doesn't work, modify it. She is coming of her own, and no matter what you do, there's a good possibility of her being defiant. This is what adolescence is all about. There's a natural tendency at this point for girls to grow away from mom and toward dad. Keep Loving her. And keep her committed to her responsibilities. Consider, also that getting a rise out of you may be a goal, consciously or unconsciously, on her part. Her behaviour becomes completely counterproductive and a waste of her energy if it doesn't get a response. Consider your contribution to the relationship situation as well. (This is not a blame thing, but in essence, a Love/and strategic thing).
Regardless of who gets snotty first, the one who can maintain cool will always have the upper hand, not to mention that when she shows attitude, and you show attitude back, this will only foster more attitude in her. Kill her with kindness (while grounding her or disciplining her if necessary.).
One other thing to consider, if this behaviour is completely new and out of the blue--their may be something bothering, perhaps something she doesn't understand (exacerbated by those newly activating hormones.). Good luck, and try not to worry. Develop a sense of humor, and look at as your own parent's revenge.
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
12 May 07
i've only raised young kids, but one thing i can say for adults, (Feels like i'm raising my roomies) is that it pays to sit them down with a list of things that is now 'thier' chore.
Like if she doesn't appreciate what you do for her and doesn't want to help, she can now do her own laundry, and if she needs stuff to be baked, then she can do it herself unless she tells you in advance, things like that, give her a little more responsibility. It is more than likely puberty kicking in, but i know that works on these people, they do it for a couple of days and then start helping me with everything else and asking for a favor here and there...
If that doesn't work, or it's not something you want to do, i really hope you get it worked out with her, i remember being that age, and though i had depression to worry about and battle on top of all my other problems that seemed to big at that age, making it all the stronger than regular puberty, there's no doubt that her behavior is totally normal.....
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
12 May 07
I think you should talk with her- It's too late to ground her or punish her for the incident. I would just take her aside and 1 on 1 talk with her- Maybe there is something going on in her life that you don't know about- Perhaps something at school? Find out- and let her know that is not acceptable to speak to you in that tone or with those words. My daughter is 10 (almost 11) and she has started this attitude also- I think alot of it is hormonal- but still I won't be treated that way- When she acts up or is snotty she is sent to her room.
@mssnow (9484)
• United States
12 May 07
nip it in the bud now. Take away her privileges something she really likes. even if its soccer. It has to be something she really likes and really wants to do. Tell her when her attitude changes, she can have her privileges back and if she back talks add on more things. Tell her to go to her room until her attitude changes and dont let her say any more. Just ignore it and point to her room say nothing more no matter what else she says. I know this sounds harsh but you are the mom and she is the child. When she gets her act straightened out then give her a hug and tell her thank you for being such a well behaved young lady.
2 people like this
@daycarepal (1998)
• United States
12 May 07
Oh I would definetly sit down and talk to her about her attitude. Maybe she was just having a bad day. But still she needs to know that talking to you that way is not something you appreciate.
Maybe it's time for a family meeting. Sit down with all of them and come up with some type of plan where everyone in the house helps out. Kind like a chore chart. If everyone helps out with just even 1 chore each, it will make things less stressful for you and give them a sense of pride for helping you.
2 people like this
@mushymai (43)
• Philippines
13 May 07
I think that what your daughter did is totally wrong. Buti maybe she has reasons behind it. Maybe its really just her hormones or something upset her. If it still continues maybe you should try to talk to her about it and tell her how you feel about what she did. When the two of you have talked already, both of you will understand each other. And if im right, when the children are going into puberty stage and the mother is going to menopausal stage, the two of you will crash a lot. So try to be patient with your daughter. Hope it helped you.
@chumchum214 (36)
• Philippines
13 May 07
You should have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about these things.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
12 May 07
Soccer it is puberty setting in but get a grip of as she is well out of order punish her when she does it take away things she likes doing
Also keep an eye on things as she could be getting close to the monthly
Do not let her get away with it and I see she is also working on setting you and your Hubby against one another by sitting with him when she was nasty to you
I hope you can sort this and keep it in control it is hard
@Foxxee (3651)
• United States
12 May 07
Not all the time. Taking something away that she really enjoys, will probably make her upset, but she will also want it back and during that time, she might start respecting her mother more.
Even taking TV's out of the house or something for a while. All kids love TV. Or maybe even not letting her play soccer until she starts acting better.
1 person likes this
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
12 May 07
the only problem with punishing her hun, or taking things away from her, is at that age, most kids just won't care, and usually get a lot more out of line...
2 people like this
@emeraldisle (13139)
• United States
12 May 07
Yes you have a right to be upset, not only with her but with your husband. He should have told her to help you or something other then sit there with her. Talking about it with her later didn't help right then. I would suggest talking with them both but separately. One at a time and express what you are feeling and what you think the problem is. Yes puberty is kicking in but you don't want her to use that as an excuse either for her behavior. If you keep letting her get away with it she will continue. It's best to confront her now and deal with it. It would also be nice if your husband would back you right then with it and not let her get away with it either.
@Foxxee (3651)
• United States
12 May 07
It's all a part of growing. She might be testing you right now. So don't give in and stick with the same old rules. If she has chores she needs to do, then make her do them, if she refuses, then take something away from her that she really enjoys. You need to do something before she does become an unruly teenager. Right now it's a testing stage. She wants to see how far you will let her go with all this. Don't give in mom.
I would sit her down, you and her only. And just have a talk. Let her know that you noticed the new attitude she has been having and that it needs to stop. Just lay some rules down with her and see from there what happens. If she doesn't want to still help out, then be strong, don't back down. It can be a long journey, but you don't want to give up. I'm sure it will all be okay in the end.
1 person likes this
@judyt00 (3497)
• Canada
12 May 07
I think you first start by stopping being such a perfectionist! Then you assign chores for your everyone else to do, including your hubby. It truly doesn't matter if thedishes are all done before dinner, you just have another load to do after. And it doesn't matter if the house is a bit of a mess once in a while. Then you tell your daughter that you won't be talkde to rudely ever again unless she wants immediate consequences, and give her them. No tv, no promised item or outing. you choose which will affect her most. Why was your hubby sitting on the couch while YOU were doing housework? He lives there too!
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
13 May 07
My hubby works 72 hours a week, and has a back injury. He was on the couch waiting for the pizza to be delivered and reading to our 4 year old. My daughters attitude has nothing to do with him. I was doing the dishes because we were ordering out and I had two days worth of dishes sitting on the counter. I do have a problem with being a perfectionist, and I don't expect the same from my kids, I know this is my problem. Thanks for the advice though judy!
@Swtrose (3385)
• Canada
12 May 07
Why are you giving a child who does not help around the house and mouths back to you allowance? There is your mistake right there. I would not be giving her allowance unless she earned it. Both of my children have a list of chores they have to do and neither of them receive allowance. They are both working teens now, but when they were 11 instead of giving them allowance we gave them money if they needed something or wanted to go to a movie etc, but that was only if they did their chores and did not talk about. I be sitting your girls down and telling them that there were going to be some changes around the house and draw up a chore list and if they did not do those chores they would see some privileges being taken away and if they wanted allowance they best do those chores. You could also go on strike. No clean uniform. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
13 May 07
We give her an allowance because up until recently she did help out without ever being asked, is a straight A student and this way when she wants to do something or buy something special she knows it comes out of her own money, it was our way of trying to teach her responsibility. But you gave me an idea, as long as the attitude continues maybe her allowance should be cut back.
1 person likes this
@Sherry12 (2472)
• United States
12 May 07
It is her age. And, unfortunately, it lasts until they are about 19. If she's like my daughter, first they don't want to help with anything. Then nothing you do is right, then they get into a you don't know anything attitude. The good things is they do outgrow after they have almost driven you crazy. But, now my daughter who is 19, has turned into my best friend and she actually helps around the house without being ask.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
12 May 07
So I have 8 more years of this? Oh man, maybe I should go invest in some hair coloring before I go totally gray. Thanks for the warning sherry! LOL
