Am I sick? Need your help.

@mtoxales (374)
Canada
May 12, 2007 10:35pm CST
I have no control over my 5 year old son. He does not listen to me and does the complete opposite of what I ask of him. Sometimes when he wants to follow me, he just says okay but he shouts and adds silly mom or silly girl and it freaks me out. I think he got this expression from his classmates because we do not say this at home and I do not like hearing it. Sometimes when he does not want to take his time out, he bangs the door or floor and really wail. And he knows he is not allowed to make noises because we live in an apartment where noise should be minimized. So I think he is doing this to make me really mad. I do not know why he is like this. Is this just a phase that they are going through? I hope this is just a phase because I am really frustrated and I feel so down. I feel like I am a failure as a mother. I do not want to regret being a full time mom because I love my kids but sometimes I just feel so helpless. I do not know what technique to try anymore. I am questioning myself if I made a mistake in handling him when he was younger that's why he is like this now. I feel like I should not be a mother anymore. Has anyone had the same experience or am I getting emotionally sick to think of all these?
4 people like this
15 responses
@derek_a (10903)
13 May 07
It could be that he is just pushing to his limits, seeing how far he can go with you. Asserting his authority. In my expeience this tends to happen more in older kids than 5-year-olds, but it's not unknown. You may also like to check his diet, as research suggests that some food additives can cause hyper-activity through putting stresses on the nervous system of the child. Check with your doctor on this. Meanwhile, try not to blame yourself. Child-rearing isn't an exact science and there is no "right way" to raise a child. As humans we all make mistakes and we need to forgive those mistakes and focus on what is to be done right now. :-)
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Thanks for such a positive reply. =)
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10903)
14 May 07
I hope that it all works out for you and things improve with your son. :-)
@lucky_witch (2713)
• Philippines
13 May 07
I train my kids at the age at 2... I started giving them simple instructions and reward for a job well done... At the age of three... I started giving limitations and made them understand simple rules... I also start giving punishment like... simply standing facing wall for half an hour... or sitting for 30 minutes without doing anything. I give those punishment if they keep on yelling or crying. I hug them ang gave a lot of kisses and play with them... when they are good and obedient...so at the arely stage... they would understand how to make me smile and playful... and also how can they make me mad... At the age of four... I give a few spunk when they are learning bad words... so they would know that I can be really bad if they push me too... Proud to say... Ive got a 2 wonderful kids right now. Your 5 year old son...can really understand you at this stage... but he pushes you to the point where you cant say no to him. like making a lot of noise... I guess you have to be tough in disciplining him... and let him see that you can be bad if he continue doing that... a few good spunk to frighten him will do...but after that explain to him why you have to do that... show more love and affection if he's being obedient to you...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 May 07
spanking... hehehe
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Thanks for sharing. I could use some of your methods. Thanks also for the positive advice. =)
• United States
14 May 07
Well I can only say it sounds like a thing for Super Nanny. She has this book out and I cant recall the exact name. Maybe you could read that? I hope its just a temporary thing but if he is fine at school he's doing it just to you. Heres a link to the amazon.com page. I hope it helps! :) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/104-2263943-2971912?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Super+Nanny
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
14 May 07
I requested a copy from the library. I will check it out. Thanks!
@harwoodkp (285)
• United States
14 May 07
Our son was heading right down that road. He is our only son and unfortuenetly we spoiled him. You are not a bad mom, but one that needs help to bring the child under control. I can not tell you how to do it, but you do need to be solid in your decisions. A no means no. If ou are out in the public, like wal-mart, you can go to the family bathroom for a short discussion. Believe it works and now thing are a lot better. Good luck
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
14 May 07
Thanks for the assurance! =)
@PunkyMcPunk (1477)
• Canada
14 May 07
I know that this has been said before but your son is fine. He is only trying to push your buttons. He is at an age where you need to let him know the rules and his boundaries. He will keep pushing and pushing at you until he breaks you. If he doesn't break you he will learn that mom is the boss and you are not going to take any of his crap. If you let him "win" he will run over you every time he wants something. My son used to take temper tantrums when i woudln't buy him something in the store. he would yell and scream and cry. I wouldn't give in. It embarrassed me badly because people would give me mean looks because my child was loud. And I was not making him quiet. But after going to the store a few times and him taking tantrums and me just not noticing his behavoir he realized that this got him no where. Now sometiems (not all the time) but sometimes if he is a good boy I will let him pick out a treat. Your boy is just testing his limits with you. It will pass, stay strong.
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
14 May 07
Thank you very much. I appreciate your reply. I really try not to notice my son when he screams and cries. I try not to even care if my neighbors complain because I know it is the only way to let him know that his behavior will not work for me. But the problem is when my husband is with us, he gets mad with all the noise and just asks me to do what my son wants and I am left with no choice. Also sometimes when my 1 year old and 3 year old are sleeping and I do not want them to be awaken, I do what my son wants. So there is no consistency. But you're right, it will pass so there's nothing I can do but to be strong and try not to give in to his tantrums.
• United States
13 May 07
Children always push the boundries, they test our patience, they test your resolves and they test your love...the last one is the most important of all. Children want to have structure, they want you to tell them which behaviors are correct and which are not. They want to try everything and try it more than once. Children also like to be told what to do at times, other times they like to have a choice. For example, it is time for bed, they refuse being told, this is a time to offer choices. Such as, you can go to bed now or you can go to bed in 10 minutes. In reality you have made this offer 10 minutes before they would be expected to be in bed...yet the appearance of being given a choice teaches them that their opinions matter. Always make them explain the reasoning behind their choices. This teaches them to question themselves before a choice is made. Example two. asking vs telling. Asking is when you offer a cookie or other item, telling is when they are expected to obey...repetition will let them learn when a choice is to be made, when an offer can be accepted or rejected and when obedience is the proper response. Even young children like to be treated as adults...that their thoughts, desires and needs are important enough to consider by those around them. Silly mom or silly girl may be his attempt at familiarity and affectionate naming...by using the same terms in inappropriate ways in reference to him will let him know that it is improper to use them from child to mother, or mother to child. He is attempting to exert his independence while maintaining the safety of your love...this includes challenges and testing on his part. Today our children grow up faster than ever before...or at least they try to...it's up to us to guide that growth without stiffling it, without trying to keep them as children in a world which moves too fast.
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Wow! Very well said! I think I need to print what you said as a guideline for me. Thank you so much for such a detailed explanation of my kid's behaviour.
• Germany
13 May 07
i don´t think a mother is a failure just because her child is misbehaving or is talking back. i certainly am not failing just because my 4yo daughter is listening but not really doing what i say and is using the same phrases or words when talking to me as if she was talking to her playmates in kindergarten. i simply think its a phase she has to go through but all the while i keep trying telling and showing her the differences especially that NOT everything, every word or expression she learned outside is a nice thing to copy. it sure sometimes bring us to our limits but i think we should hold our ground and be confident that we have done our best as moms. unfortunately, its not possible nor is it right to keep the kids at home so they could only have our influence -but introducing them to the world includes outside influences and it sure meant good or bad, normal or strange and mostly different from our own ideas and expectations. but i think it all belongs to growing up. so, i would say, head up! -you have done your best as mom! and i think that´s all that matters. Happy Mother´s day.
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Thanks a lot for your reassurance. I probably am feeling low because it is Mother's day and I still don't get a little time for myself. I'll try to put my head up by tomorrow hopefully. =)
• Ireland
13 May 07
Try watching the DVD of 1-2-3 Magic. It's fantastic! My son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and if it works on him it'll work on any kid!!! Best of luck :) D
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
I'll try to look for it. Thanks for the suggestion.
@Debs_place (10551)
• United States
13 May 07
Your son is pushing the rules, any kid will do that. What you have to do is find and effective punishment and follow through on it. That may mean witholding favorite toys or activities. You must take control as the parent. If your son has to be quiet in your apartment, tell him it is not allowed and remove his favorite possession then take it away, for the rest of the day or the weekend. Also, reward good behavior....you listened to me and did not scream..you can get and extra 1/2 hour of...whatever is an appropriate reward. Just remember, don't back down...when you come up with a punishment, stick with it. My son was a jock, if he misbehaved it meant going to a game and sitting on the bench for a certain period of time and not being allowed to play. I would explain to the coach there was a problem and this was his discipline, in 10 years, it was applied maybe 6 times - he hated riding the wooden pony. Find what your son values and withhold it.
1 person likes this
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Thanks for your suggestions. I really need to look for an effective punishment for him.
@eyewitness (1580)
• Netherlands
13 May 07
when my cousin sin't listning to what i'm saying to him i pt him on the stairs.. in a apartment you probebly don't have that bt you can make a corner where he can't so anything, so he's bored... let him stay there for the years he's aold, you said he's 5 so let him stay there for 5 minutes. tell him afterwards why you putted him there and let him say he's sorry let him see why he was wrong. you'll notice that he'll listen better good luck ^_^
1 person likes this
• United States
13 May 07
I often have the same feelings as you do. Mine is 4 and each year, I keep hoping he will be out of that phase.... and he never is, in fact he gets progressively worse. I, too have no idea what to do with him and it scares me, because I'm 2 weeks from having another one to deal with on top of him. I'm afraid I will lose my mind! Truely!
@wachit14 (3601)
• United States
13 May 07
You're not sick or crazy, but if you are feeling down for prolonged periods of time, you may be suffering from depression and anxiety. Get yourself to a doctor and get a complete physical to make sure there are no underlying physical reasons for why you feel the way you do and, if not, your doctor may start you on medication to help you deal with your feelings. As for your son, he's perfectly normal and yes, it's a phase. Once you ignore him, he'll stop doing what he's doing because he'll see he's getting no rise out of you.
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
Thanks for the honest reply. I may have felt down last night because it was going to be Mother's Day today. I have not recovered yet but hopefully, this sad feeling goes away soon.
@Stiletto (4597)
13 May 07
You're probably describing the behaviour of almost every normal 5 year old. I think you need to keep a sense of perspective about this - I mean he IS only 5 years old! He's testing boundaries (although he won't consciously realise that) so it's important to stay calm and consistent with him. He will grow out of it so don't panic so much about it all. Relax!
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
I have no experience with children and he is my first child. His other two sisters are behaving fine. Thanks for telling me that it is just a normal behaviour of a 5 year old.
@p4ngg1h (20)
• Indonesia
13 May 07
he's just sstill a kid OK
@mtoxales (374)
• Canada
13 May 07
I know he is just a kid but I do not understand why an older relative of mine thinks that he maybe spoiled by his grandparents that is why he is behaving this way. And I, being a mother, am hurt by these words. So during times when my hands are probably really full (and overflowing), I can't help but ask myself if I did anything wrong in raising him when he was a toddler. He is my first child so I only learn how to parent as he grows. Maybe I listen too much to other people. I probably should just let it be. Just needed to let it all out because I have no one to talk to here. Thanks for the reply.
• India
13 May 07
my child is studying in 4th standarad. he is good in study but noty in the class. he will beat the childrens sitting besides him. one day teacher complements me that he is making a board in the new paper and written toilet in that board and just hang on his friends color on the back side sitting near him. I think its due to the age of him