How do I get my sister to face reality?

@toe_ster (771)
United States
August 9, 2007 12:27pm CST
My sister is a 27 year old single mom. She has some serious issues and health problems. For many reasons(which I won't get into as yet)she is a horrible mother. She just found out she is pregnant with her boyfriend of two years. They were planning on getting married before she started showing. BUt he is mommas boy and now has put the wedding plans on hold. BUt she is living in a la la land of sorts. We have all tried to talk to her but if it is not something about the wedding and a positive something at that, she just hangs up on us. She lives at home with my parents. Her and her 6 year old share a room.She has no car, and pays no bills. It is a really really bad financial strain on my parents. She is working a minimum wage job that cannot support her let alone her son and unborn child. We asked where the money is coming from to pay for her wedding, she shrugs us off. She is too deluded or spoiled or both to think she can afford something other than a small family ony ceremony. or a justice of the peace type thing or even a quick and cheap Vegas one. There is literally not even 2 cents for her to rub together. We asked her where they are going to live when they get married, and she said he would just move in with her. Come on now. My 6 year old pointed the obvious out to her on that one. I am in no way judging her and really do wish her the best for her son and unborns childs sake, but how to get her to open her eyes to reality is harder than it seems. Any suggestions?
2 people like this
10 responses
• United States
9 Aug 07
I hate to say it but sometimes people do not learn until they fall flat on their face. Then it is a little late but there may be nothing you can do to get her to realize that she needs help but to let her fall. She sounds like she just does not have a basis for reality at this time and maybe falling will help her. She has to start realizing that your parents will not allow her to live there forever and definitely not after she is married.
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
9 Aug 07
Thank you for understanding and responding. It helps to know there are people out there experienceing or have experienced some of the same issues and problems. It makes it one step easier on already shaky ground.
• Zambia
10 Aug 07
It is really unfortunate that your sister is living in a dream world. I know of one young lady who "brought forth" 4 kids from different men, all of whom had talked her into something like that. And she was 27 when she gave birth to her fourth. To-date, she still lives ina dream world.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
10 Aug 07
Honestly, there really isn't a way to get through to a person like this. Maybe you could schedule an intervention? Someone takes her son out for something fun, and you and your parents sit down and talk to her about her life plans.
1 person likes this
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
11 Aug 07
Good idea. I like this. Maybe my parents can go for it. Thanks for the suggestion.
• United States
9 Aug 07
You are right. I believe she is living in la la land. One of the problems is I think your family is helping her do that. My philosophy is where there is a will there is a way. This woman is catered to and it needs to stop. If someone where paying your way through life would you change it if you didn't have to? She should be made to take responsibility for her children and her own life. It may be hard because of the little ones but some day I'm sure she will thank you for it. Make her be on her own. As far as marriage, hopefully she is marrying for the right reasons. If she is the way you say she is hopefully the man she marries is making enough to support her too. I don't believe she will change unless someone makes her change. As far as opening her eyes I would somehow break it to her that you posted the problem on here and show her the responses. Sometimes an outside view is more appreciated than coming from someone that is so close to the matter at hand. Good luck to you all. God Bless.
1 person likes this
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
11 Aug 07
Thank you. I agree too. I think she is too catered to in life and my mother might be her pusher in life. Maybe if my parents took a few steps back. But my sister has used my nephew as a pawn for a long time, and my parents are too afraid of him suffering. I don't know. But thanks for the comments. It gives more to look at. Thanks
@CaitBaby (447)
• United States
9 Aug 07
I really don't know what to say. It kind of seems like the only way to knock any sense into her would be something bad happening, but of course nobody wants that. You're definitely right. She can't live like this forever, especially with a child and another one on the way. It's good that you're worried for them though. I'm not sure but it sort of sounds like she is scared and is just trying to brush it off her shoulder. Maybe she is ready for this stage in her life. Your family is going to have to assure her that she will be ok if she gets her life together. I wish her and the kids the best! :)
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
9 Aug 07
I think so too and thanks for responding. She had a rough time during her breakup with her marriage and all the drama and health issues at that time. But that was five years ago. I think her using my parents as a crutch should be broken too. MAybe she is afraid. I don't know.But I hope she reads this.
• Philippines
9 Aug 07
You got a very serious issues here. But I think your sister will not really know the real situation she is in right now unless they move out of your parents house. Her continued stay in your parents house makes it impossible for her to realize the whole thing. It is nice to help our friends and family who are really in need but when they become abusive and overly dependent on us, I think it is time to rethink and do something about it. Though it might hurt your sister's feelings but in the long run, you are making her a responsible person. Its not gonna be easy on both of you, but something has to be done.
1 person likes this
@toe_ster (771)
• United States
9 Aug 07
Thanks for reponding. It is pretty serious I think, when kids are involved. She already has one which my parents are mostly raising and now another on the way. If it were just her, we would all probably have let her sink or swim on her own by now. But because my nephew is there, it makes it impossible to turn a blind eye. Thanks for the words of understanding.
@Cassy1976 (796)
• Australia
10 Aug 07
I have a brother that relies on my parents for everything, which I find really hard to deal with, my mum even lets him have her car so that he can get to and from work, while he wastes all of his money! I dont know how you will get your sister to see reality, I think it would be up to your parents to do this for her, maybe they should make her and her husband to be get a place of their own and to see what it is really like in the real world and I bet any money they wouldnt like it. I dont understand how they could even consider him moving into your parents house if your sister is already sharing a room with her son, 2 adults and 2 children in the same room, it just wont work! But I am sure you know this as it isnt you that cant see reality, good luck with it all matey. I feel for your parents as this is a time in their life that they should be enjoying and not having to look after their fully grown daughter
1 person likes this
• Australia
10 Aug 07
Maybe write her a letter, she might respond better if she is by herself when she hears (or in this case reads) the cold hard truth. I am not saying be mean about it, just keep reassuring her that you love her but there are things that have to be said!
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7715)
• United States
14 Aug 07
I know about depending on your folks; I do it quite a bit to, because I'm disabled and have no real job as yet. I'm working on it, but no luck yet. Maybe your sister is in La la land because doesn't want to admit her dependence; that's hard to do. I know.
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
14 Aug 07
First off, I would say that it is up to your parents to tell her "No, he can't move in here too". Does he have a job? If he does then the two of them together should find a way to move in together away from your parents house. As far as her wedding. Why bother asking how she is going to pay for it? Either she can or she can't. If she can't, then it won't happen. She can't reant a hall or hire a caterer without a deposit. I woulnt waste my time worrying about it. you can't make a person face reality, but your parents can say no to her on some things. How old are your parents? Are they so old that she is taking advantage of them and they can't stand up to her?
• United States
10 Aug 07
I know it is a hard thing to watch, but sometimes you just have to let them get out on their own and find out for themselves that life isn't easy. I have a neice that is like this, and she doesn't work for very long periods of time and is always bumming off everyone. She also has a 9 month old baby and it is a scary thing never knowing where she and the baby will be staying at night. But, if people don't get out on their own and experience the struggles of life then they will never learn. Good luck!