My friend is in an abusive relationship, what advice can I give her?? HELP!
By jennifer611
@jennifer611 (2514)
United States
August 11, 2007 12:29pm CST
I have been friends with this girl for the last 8 or 9 years.
it had been a little bit since I seen her but the other day her and her sister came over..
My friend tells me that she needs a place to stay, before I even heard anymore I said she could stay here..
her and her sister started telling me what was going on.
they said her boyfriend doesn't let her go anywhere, or do anything.. when he go's to work he takes the phone with him. sometimes he even makes her go to work with him and sit in the car until his shift is over. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. She said she needed me to take her over there to get her stuff from his house because if she didn't go right then he was gonna throw it all out. so I took her..
I helped her load some of her things then she went back in for the rest and I know he had to have been saying all kinds of "I'm sorry's" when she went back in..
anyways, she did come back home with me, she ended up calling him and later ended up BEGGING me to bring her back there because "he said we were just gonna talk, if things don't go right I will call you to come get me right away!"the next day I went and got her, same thing... they talked and talked and talked and finally she went back...
she came and got a little bit of her clothes from my house and just acted like everything was ok, but I KNOW it wasn't..
her sister called me to go over there to her house to check on her, I went and found that my friend was in her apartment with no phone and the door was being held shut by a piece of stick he puts in the door to make sure no one go's in or out and if it's moved he knows..
well, her sister and I went in and talked to her and left in a hurry to make sure she didnt get busted for having us there.. we tried the whole time to convice her she didnt need to stay and that she deserved better but it's like she doesnt think that she deserves to leave.. she is too scared to go.. so we left and when we did we had to put that darn stick back to the door like he had it so he wouldnt know..
I felt like crap doing that.
he knew we went there because her sister forgot something and left it behind, since then he makes her go to work with him when he leaves.. she is like his prisoner.. but she is brain washed, she thinks its ok.. I dont know what to do.. I mean, someone like this, dont you think if they are this crazy that he may even try to kill her at some point??
he is from guatamala (or how ever u spell it)
we are from Michigan.. her family heard that he is supposed to take a trip to where he is from to visit family and we hear that she is gonna go.. if she does she may never come back again..I dont even know what to say to her..
she admits that she is not happy and I know that she does want to leave.. when we are there and are like "come on lets go!", her eyes and body language are like she wants to run so bad, but she doesn't... she just stays there like a prisoner..
what would u say to her???
if this was your friend, your daughter, your sister?? what would u say??I felt so bad when her mom called here to talk to her and I had to tell her that her daughter went back.
its just crazy what this guy is doing..
4 people like this
5 responses
@goddessglamourpuss (261)
•
11 Aug 07
I really feel sad that you are having to watch your friend go through this and I think you are quite right to fear for her safety if she goes with this man to Guatamala. No one has the right to treat another person like this - hell we treat DOGS better than this guy is treating your friend.
If you have managed to get her to leave once and nothing really bad has happened to her when she returned (and I mean like being beaten not just locked up again) then you stand a good chance of getting her to come back with you again. It is difficult to imagine why she allows this man to treat her this way but he has obviously so damaged her confidence and sense of self worth that she actually believes that she somehow deserves to be treated in this way. If she responds to your entreaties to leave with her then I would suggest you are a little more forceful - grab her bag and a few clothes or something and insist she comes with you and her sister. Don't give her a chance to think about what she has done until she is out.
Talk to her about what this man has been doing and why it is wrong. Convince her that now she is away from him then she no longer needs to communicate with him and she can replace the stuff she has left there.
Make it clear to her that nobody blames her for the situation and that she will get all the love and support she needs when she leaves this guy.
Good luck and best wishes. :)
2 people like this
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
11 Aug 07
Thanks for responding :)
I have tried and tried and tried to get her to stay and to come back..
I just dont know what to do..
she says she dont want to be alone, but she knows there are other guys out there.. ones who will treat her better..
her ex husband (who is a great guy) even is terribly worried about her and would love for her to come back to him, she acts like she wants to (even though I know it probably isnt the smartest thing to go from that guy to the next, but atleast she would be treated better), she really acts like she wants to go to him, but she doesnt.. she just stays there..
the whole situation is just crazy and sad..
I just pray for God to give me words to speak to her that will open her eyes and make her see..
I tell her that she is NOT a child, he doesnt have the right to take away the phone and to lock her in..
another thing that just BURNS ME UP!!!!
the landlord lives downstairs from them and she says that he keeps watch out for the boyfriend so he knows what go's on while he is working or gone..
its just crazy.. I dont see how she can just sit there and put up with it but yet at the same time I know that it is hard to get out of bad relationships sometimes..
at first when she was telling me everything that happened, I really didnt believe it all, until I went there and seen the stick in the door myself.. I feel so bad for her..
she never struck me as the kind of person who would take this from anyone..
anyways, I am still gonna keep on being there for her and talking to her til I am blue in the face, hopefully soon she will realize she is worth more and he isnt nothing.
Thank you for responding, I do appreciate it :)
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
12 Aug 07
I have been in a situation similar to hers for 4 years, only he was also beating me. I know what it is like to wanna get out but at the same time wanna stay coz you really do belive that he is the only person in the world that "really" loves you no matter how sick that sounds.
She has been in his violence for so long that he has made her feel as if she cant do anything by herself and she is scared of the real world, coz in many ways she is living in a bubble.
The thing that had me leave was actually my parents in the end. When i saw what this was doing to them I finally had a wakeup call.
Leaving him was not easy. he went from begging to screaming to threating to begging again - for months.. but I stayed strong due to the support i got from family and friends.
Support is the most important thing that u can give her - but SHE needs to decide that enough is enough, untilshe does that she will keep going back to him.
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
12 Aug 07
yeah I know what you mean.
I was in a bad relationship , well marriage, for 8 long miserable years..
I left him several times but would always go back.
mostly because I was worried about where I would stay.
but also for other reasons as well.. your right, its like living in a bubble, its so weird.
I remember the time that I left for good, I felt so free and so different.. it was crazy, like the bubble I was in all those years just popped and now I could be free and live..
it was so different.
I do understand that its hard for her, I just wish that the words I would say would be heard and not just go in one ear and out the other.. I just wish it could hit home, ya know..
but yeah, she does have to leave when she is ready, I just hope it isnt too late..
Thank you for responding :)
@CraftyCorner (5600)
• United States
12 Aug 07
My sister went through a similar situation. She had an abusive boyfriend. She finally left the man. But she had lost a great deal. You can only hope and pray that your loved one gets out of this situation, and hopefully before she goes to her boyfriend's homeland.
*
That boyfriend sounds like a real peach (fully loaded sarcasm). He has a really small self esteem so he takes it out on her.
@glhens2129 (30)
• Philippines
12 Aug 07
I believe the way we react to present situation is often rooted from our unforgetable and unforgivable past. We must searched and start to heal those hurting/bad past experiences. From there, we would find our worthiness as a person, lovingly created by GOD. We must learn to value and respect ourselves if we want others to do the same thing to us, after all, no one could harm us if we do not allow them. As her friend, do not get tired of supporting and helping her in any way. Make her realize that there is no better way than to turn once back and get out of the relationship if it's already becoming like a prison cell... I'll include you in my prayers. GOD is good & mercyful.
