STEP parents need to learn how NOT to over STEP their boundaries

United States
February 23, 2008 11:51pm CST
I was informed a few days ago by my daughter that her STEP mother thinks I am worthless. She thinks I do nothing all day but sit on my butt watching soap operas while I think up ways to purposely make her life miserable. Maybe if I went out and had a REAL job I wouldn't be such a witch. (back story - I am on workers comp until I have my surgery in March then I will return to my job with the federal government. This woman works in the mail room at a bank) My daughter was in tears as she was telling me this. And why was this woman even having this conversation with MY daughter? Because my daughter got sick in school and STEP mom was called first only because DAD put her name on the emergency contact card before me. Which that in itself makes no sense. Dad and STEP mom live together yet they each got a separate line on the Card and I am in LAST place. So STEP mom is called first but she is on her way to work and doesn't have TIME to go pick up MY daughter. So STEP mom calls me and tells me to go get her. I told her that since she wanted to have the responsibility she could have the responsibility and she could find a way to pick up my daughter and bring her to ME because her mother wasn't on the list of people who can take my daughter to the doctor and if she is so sick she has to be taken out of school and STEP mom HAS to go to work then she will pick her up and bring her to me so I can make sure she receives care. Yeah I could have easily gone to get my daughter but I was trying to prove a point. And I hope that it got through this womans half a can of hairspray and actually penetrated her thick skull. But the whole way from the school to my house STEP mom went on and on about me and how this and that and the other thing and the things I can't say here cause they violate terms of service that I am. I can't wait until my custody hearing in April. My daughter is going to need to be put on medication to get over the mental abuse this woman has caused her this past year. Have any of you ever had to deal with a step parent or a parent like this? How do you stop yourself from trying to shake them smart?
10 people like this
15 responses
• United States
24 Feb 08
People like her never see the wrong they do in life. She was probably banking on the fact that kids never really listen to adults and just kept rambling her fool head off like a idiot. Hopefully, you win your custody battle and your child will only see her occasionally. When dealing with someone like this, I usually say my peace and walk away before I do something I might regret. Thank You for your time.
4 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
Thank you for your comment. And this woman constantly runs her fool head off expressing her opinions of me. How unfortunate it is going to be for her that this time my daughter heard every word loud and clear.
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11550)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Cyn , Love darling honey, this woman is metally unbalance and needs a freaking med check. I swear to (insert deity of your choice here) I would do more than shake that woman smart. All I can say if obviously this woman has no respect for you or your daughter and that her upbringin is suspect becuase I was taught there are certain things you just don't say around children and bashing the other parent is one of them. I love my kids and I don't let my boyfriend bash their father in front of them ofcourse mine haven't seen their father is so long they no longer remember who he is. LOL!!which benefits me perfectly. When asked I will cross that bring till then no. But I will say the my mom bashed my dad all the time my step dad said nothing about my dad to me. My step mom we've had some rough times but it's been getting better. LOL!!So no I haven't had to deal with my kids getting a step parent from their father but I remember dealing with step parents and it's stressful and for your daughters step mom to be pulling this it's hurtful to you and your daughter who doesn't need to be put in the middle of everything. I honestly think that this should be brought up in the custody hearing. I hope that the step mom gets a life and realizes she may be with the dad but she can never take your place and that she is only hurting the relationship between herself and your daughter and her father because he should be protecting her from this .. Grrr this makes me so mad. I feel for you and your daughter. talk to you later.
3 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
It is so funny to see you comment exactly the same things you say to me IRL. Hey next time my girl is having an episode be on stand by with sing star. Sometimes my friends make her feel better than I do. That is unless I stab myself in the eye with a fork or something.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 08
ok stand by it is .. I'll have Karaoke and Sing Star available. Heck she might even like Rock Band. LOL!!! She can play guitar or drums or sing.
1 person likes this
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
24 Feb 08
I have not had to deal with this from your perspective... however.. I am on the other end! I am a step mom. Although the child doesn't live with us, so i dont really have any responsibilities for him except when he's in my home to make sure he's safe and fed, his dad pretty much takes care of him while he's here. His mom and i got along for the first few years, but now we just dont talk to keep things civil and on an even playing field. We have different opinions on some things and well.. i think she's kind of a flake. lol. She likes to go to the mall and get her nails and hair done while she puts her kid in daycare and makes my hubby have to pay for half. (idiot) Anyways. We do not talk badly about his mom or any of her crazy ways in front of him. He's impressionable and doesn't deserve to be in the middle of any fighting or unpleasentness. I understand that perfectly and i hope that she does too, however i have no idea if she talks badly about us in front of him or not. i'm sure some day he will let us know when he's old enough if she does.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
For your sake and the sake of your step son I hope she doesn't. It puts the child in an awful position and sooner or later the child gets fed up with it. I see this happening with my daughter and it is driving me crazy that I can't do anything about it for another 2 months.
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
25 Feb 08
Yes, because i was watching dr phill the other day and the kids remember that stuff that you said about their other parent and the new step parent when they are adults, and then they realize that it wasn't true, and then they dont trust the parent that was doing the bashing beacuse they lied and they get ANGRY!! i would be too if someone lied about one of my parents to me all the time so i can't blame them one bit!
1 person likes this
@skinnychick (6907)
• United States
24 Feb 08
I haven't dealt with this at all but here is what I would do anyway. Thank you lucky stars that she is married to that piece of crap and not you, this is why she is probably so miserable. Somehow get your daughter- awww she's so cute :)- out of this situation. Kids have a hard enough time these days without any added stress from someone that isn't even related to them. Change the documents at school because you are her mother, not her. Document all these things and the fact that your daughters well being is at stake for when you go back to court in April and get her away from the both of them! There's my advice...:)
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
Of course it is your advice because that is exactly what I'm doing. But the daughter in question isn't the avatar. This daughter is just as cute as that daughter but now that she is almost a teen ager she refuses to be called my baby girl anymore and has passed on that name to my avatar. I will never have to worry about a step parent to my avatar. She was conceived during an immaculate conception. :)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Damn girl- all your kids have me confused or maybe I'm just confused- LOL! Sounds like a big mess and of course it has to involve a teenager, like moat of them don't have enough problems already. Hope it all gets ironed out...:)
1 person likes this
@Mamagee (392)
• Malaysia
25 Feb 08
I have a stepdaughter too but she is not staying with me. Once she come to my house, i treat her like my own daughter. Because I think that she is a human being and need a complete family. As a stepmother, i have to make sure that my stepdaughter deserve to get the same thing as my own children. We need to be fare to them.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
Then her step mother was not being very fair to my daughter in expressing her opinion of me to her. I treat every child I come across like they are my own. My friends are sometimes afraid to let me babysit because they don't think I will give their daughters back to them. I just think step mom was totally out of line.
1 person likes this
@ledouxs (64)
• Canada
24 Feb 08
I understand where you are coming from but this will never end. I am a stepmother to and I also recent my fiance's ex I try my best to be polite and would never say anything to my step son's face but I recent her and sometimes him it's just they way it is. I guess they we feel insecure because we want our man right but there will alway be the other women whether he loves her or not she will alway be apart of our life
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
Me and step mom got over that issue a LONG time ago. I wouldn't pee on my ex if he were on fire so she has no worries when it comes to be always being a part of his life. We interact for the purposes of talking about our daughter and that is it! That is why her speaking her mind to my daughter is boiling my blood. She knows my number if she has something to say she can say it to me.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
24 Feb 08
" I told her that since she wanted to have the responsibility she could have the responsibility and she could find a way to pick up my daughter and bring her to ME because her mother wasn't on the list of people who can take my daughter to the doctor and if she is so sick she has to be taken out of school and STEP mom HAS to go to work then she will pick her up and bring her to me so I can make sure she receives care." OH HELL YA!! I would have done the same damn thing!! As for Step parents overstepping their boundries....My ex's woman tried things like that a couple times...from bad-mouthing me to thinking she was allowed to threaten my children with physical punishments and so on...It was short lived...As soon as I caught wind of it I was on the phone with my ex tearing him a new one...He got home that night and had a huge blowout with her...she never pulled any crap again...
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
24 Feb 08
ps. as a parent you do have the right to have your name on the list of emergency calls. Since you don't have custody, it is normal for the list to include the adults in her primary residence first and other contacts are listed after that. When I filled out the forms for my daughters , their dads household was always on the bottom of the list and it had nothing at all to do with him as a parent. It was more to do with the fact that as a rule he was not available during the day. It had absolutely nothing at all to do with who was the more responsible parent or anything like that. The point of the list is to name who is best to call in an emergency. You kind of just proved that they are by not jumping and running. I'm sorry to diaagree with you but I think you just gave her more fuel.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Hey sid, every case is different. I took a note into school as soon as our custody was decided (I had sole custody) and banned my x from picking up the children without express permission from me. He had threatened to take them out of the state and was a pretty voilent father. So, no, he didn't have the right to be on the contact list.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
25 Feb 08
i agree with you on that. Every case is different and the school should be made aware if there is someone that should NEVER be picking up the child. Actually if the person is not on the list, the custodial parent has to write a note or call giving permission for someone different to pick the child up. Once I needed my brother to pick up my daughter and because the school did not recognize him, I got a call and he had to wait until they would release her with him.
@mrsjbelle (1641)
• United States
25 Feb 08
If she wanted to be a woman she could have talked to you & spared the child. She probably thinks she knows it all. In a perfect world we wouldnt have to deal with those people.
1 person likes this
@mrsjbelle (1641)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I get all worked up I actually shake I dislike my bfs ex so much. She is actually the real mom and I am the step. I dont want to be the kids mom either. I know my place. She has never paid a dime for the kid in any way. She is always trying to get back with her ex (my bf) thats my problem. I just try to think in my head she isnt worth it. Im not going to lose it and go to jail for her.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 08
It is really hard when the ex wants the parent that is making you the step back. My daughter had some fantasy when she was little that me and her daddy would get back together and when I got remarried she had a fit because then she knew that me and her dad were over for good. Me and the step mom used to be able to get along but when she was pregnant with her first child she automatically thought that made her mother of the year and no one was going to tell her what was best for MY child. We had a court hearing and she was basically told that she is a step mother and since I am in the picture and I have a 50/50 role in my daughters life, that basically she doesn't count. A judge told her that. She has hated me ever since.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Feb 08
I have never had to beal with my daughter hvaing a step mom so i dont know fist hand what it is like. but i sure know what i would do.. or atleast want to do LMAO. I would definatly have some words with her, keep track of when you talk to her and what you talk about. that way when you go to court you can bring this matter up. And if she denies it. you have a peice of paper written what times you talked to her about it. and when. and if it becomes a bigger issue theres always phone records to back it up:). I wish you the best in all of this.. its really a hard thing to deal with i am know. anything that is happening to your child and you cannot prevent it. is hard to deal with. I have a 3 years old.with no father around so i can semi relate to your problem... Like i said before i wish you the best in everything~~.
• United States
25 Feb 08
My daughter is counting down the days until we go to court so she can tell the judge about ALL the things her step mother is doing. I am keeping track but I don't need to. My daughters memory is better than mine! Thanks for the well wishes. It will all work out in the end I'm sure.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
25 Feb 08
It is really too bad that you could not get one of those mini-recorders and have your daughter record her when she is going off about you. I'm not sure if that is legal or not but it sure would be proof. She should not be putting you down to her.
• United States
25 Feb 08
There is no changing other people, they are who they are. The only person you have any control over is you. Being a step mom is very hard and no one understands how much we feel like an outsider. What you can do is be the best mother you can be, don't belittle the dad or stepmother in your child's presence. This is soooo wrong and I am guilty of do the same for my stepdaughter's mother. Now I am very sorry for voicing my oppinion in such a negative way. Kids lookup to us for guidance and reassurance of a happy, healthy home. Remember this the next time you have a emotion about the stepmom or dad. For the child's sake!!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 08
I don't deny that some step mothers are up against a losing battle from the moment they step into the picture and my daughter really used to be attached to her step mom, until step mom TRIED TO BE ME! I think you need to tell the step mom that Kids lookup to us for guidance and reassurance of a happy, healthy home and that SHE should remember this the next time SHE has an opinion of me. I rant her about his step mothers lunacy, not to my child.
1 person likes this
@vanities (11375)
• Davao, Philippines
28 Feb 08
nope havent experiencing such ordeal with stepmother or anything...im very proud of my mom..she takes care of us..and made some sacrifices in behalf of her children..
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
24 Feb 08
I have never had to deal with a step mom but I have been one. I would never (even if I had good cause) EVER talk dirt to a child or around a child about her mother. It is just wrong! Luckily, I got along very well with my stepsons mother. She was very hurt when her boys came to live with me and their dad but we all worked it out. She was a very good and involved mom. It was more that the boys wanted to be with their dad. I did a lot of transporting the boys to and from school etc and to sports. I have no doubt that if for some reason I was unable to pick them up, that she would not have jumped to help. I just got to be the one called most often because they lived with me. I really do think you should have gone and picked up your daughter and been glad to be involved. The only reason, I am assuming that her name is 2nd on the list is because your daughter actually resides there. In my opinion, you should be trying to work with them for the benefit of your daughter. Your daughter needed to be cared for that day. That should have been your top priority...not whether or not your name was on a list. Sorry if that sounds harsh but i feel strongly about that.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Apr 08
I have never had this happen as I was never in this postion but have friends who have been there and had problems with the step mother. This one friend sat the nasty step mother down and told her to stop telling those vicious things about her to her son or else. well at least she got the step mom to quit with the bad mouthing to her son but it was at best sort of an armed truce.
• Canada
26 Feb 08
I am a step-parent who is dealing with an ACTUAL problem parent, the kind of parent your ex's wife WISHES you were, so her accusations would be true. I am not saying this lightly, I have proof. As for the kids (one grown, one teenager) I just stay out of it, and try to be the best damn step-mother, I can be, the one who will support them no matter what, and the one who gives others NO REASON (and no proof) to say evil things about me. YOU are in my prayers.
@LUCKYASH (39)
• United States
24 Feb 08
i agree tottally