Is a parent really OBLIGATED?

@kbkbooks (7028)
Canada
March 27, 2008 5:49pm CST
Today on Dr. Phil, the subject again is about people who allow their children or sons and daughters in law to continue mooching off them. You all know, my stepson does this. Won't work because they think they should earn more than minimum wage... Doesn't have a high school diploma. Some of these "children" have babies and live at home where the grandparents help to care for the baby because the welfare check just isn't enough. Some don't even collect welfare (my stepson was turned down because they told my husband he should be supporting this "boy" since the "boy" is his son). We have all heard Dr. Phil and other counselors call this "enabling". My stepson's mother just got a job after a lot of struggling. She won't have her son in her home because she can't be comfortable with him there (he has violence and anger problem that scares her). She thinks she is helping because she buys him or somehow gets second hand clothes for him a few times a year. Meanwhile he is feeding off me and my husband in a big way. I think this "boy" should be out in the street but my husband and his ex wife apparently think they are obligated to take care of him. Yes, it's cold and snowy and wet outside, but I don't care. I think this boy should be out on the street. I'm tired and sick of this loser. I am a good mother to my own boys. They are productive teenagers, hard workers with lots of social life and friends and they pay for their own clothing and transportation. I would not keep this loser in the house if it was my choice.
2 people like this
9 responses
@chiyosan (30206)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
i guess you have every right to rant in this regard. It must have been tough to see him all day, everyday waste him time waiting for the perfect opportunity that might not actually come sine he is just sitting around there doing nothing. They should be, yes, taking care of him.. but it must be with his own will too that he is trying for his own future... he's already got a son and should very well know how to take care of himself so he too can be responsible for his own son.
1 person likes this
@kbkbooks (7028)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
It scares me that these children will someday grow up and have my grandchildren. I hope they will learn a little more responsibility. It's one thing for your elders to suffer but one should not have the right to intentionally inflict mental or monetary suffering on a child, just as we don't accept physical abuse of children.
@spoiled311 (5502)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
hi kbk! i think that parents are to support their children up to a certain extent. however, when it reaches the point that they don't want to work anymore and instead just want to mooch off their parents, then that is wrong. that will make parasites out of them. my parents supported me and i lived with them up till the day i was married, but when i started working i helped them in the household expenses and gave them support. up till now, even that i live with my husband, i still help them. it is my way of thanksgiving to them. :) good day!
1 person likes this
@kbkbooks (7028)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
I paid room and board to my parents in my late teens and early twenties. When I became ill at college and had to move back home for extended treatment, I found a job and did my best to pitch in. I am almost forty eight now and my health is poor so our finances here at home often suffer for various reasons besides my stepson's mooching. Even now my mom helps us out but we never ask her to help outright. When a parent helps voluntarily it's one thing but when the voluntary aspect of it becomes a point of which one takes advantage it turns to coercion and that is wrong. I am not old fashioned enough to believe our children are obligated to help us in our old age, but I do feel a self imposed obligation to my mother and my mother in law now and I hope someday my children will willingly want to help us too.
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Sure, parents need to help out their children at times...but to let them depend on you for long period of time would only teach them to be bums. You have to be firm as up to when are you going to extend your helping hand to them.
1 person likes this
@kbkbooks (7028)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
I know the problem is there was no discipline when my stepson was growing up. Since it's not within my jurisdiction I just have to be one of the victims to suffer for it.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
I totally understand where you're coming from;how come everyone has to work, but mister gets welfare, and still manages to get stuff from mommy and daddy? How old is this "boy"? I also understand your hubby though; if it were one of your sons that unfortunately turned out this way, i'm not sure you'd want to kick him out, or would you? I know that when i recently gave birth (2 months ago) everyone kept on telling me that this new baby, is a contract for life, you're always responsible for your children, to some extent. My mom's boyfriend's daughter is sort of like that; she doesn't work, because she says she's sick (she's not really sick, she's way over weight and has a kidney condition, but nothing serious, basically, she's just lazy) she collects welfare and lives with her girlfriend at her parents's house (she's a lesbian, ok, nothing wrong with that) and now she told her father that her and her girlfriend want to have a child!! Now this girl is only 19 yrs old, she has no job, neither does her gf, she can hardly provide for herself, and now she wants a child?? It's time these people get a job including your husband's son!
1 person likes this
@kbkbooks (7028)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
This "boy" is nineteen. We have him in counseling and the counselor got him into adult ed and he even makes a show of supposedly applying for jobs, but he is not shy about freeloading off us and continuing to beg. I suppose your friend who wants the baby expects the grandparents to help care for it? I wouldn't doubt it. You're right, they should have jobs. The whole thing with my stepson has gone on since he was very young. He was extremely spoiled and undisciplined. He makes no secret that he is LAZY, and in fact he is rather proud of it.
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
If there is a valid reason (i.e. medical or physical) that the grown child is unable to work then I think it's okay for him/her to be financially supported by the parents. Plain laziness, of course, is not a valid reason. That shouldn't be tolerated. And no high school diploma? A college diploma may be difficult to obtain, but high school? There's something wrong there.
• United States
28 Mar 08
It could be the means to an end.In the States the 60yr old are coming down with Diabetes,Alzheimers,Dementia and the price of being looked after are going through the roof,so why not stay and get looked after in their own home free by their siblings(who will earn keep)
@chazsgirl (256)
• United States
28 Mar 08
it is ok to help but there is a such thing as too much help! EXAMPLE: my husband lost his job 6 yrs. ago and hasn't had one since, for the 1st few yrs. it was because his mommie would give him $$ for anything and everything and yes she did enable him, but his health is really bad so he can't work, so the help is great! but for the longest time I would be so upset because I worked 40+ hrs. to support my family of 4 and he was given $$ and wasn't saying anything and just buying action figures, comics and games for his ps2. she gives him less $$ now or gives it to me, ha ha for him, but I just lost my job and am looking for another one and it is tough so I appriciate the help, but some people do it just becasue they know they can and that is sad and there should be a cut-off point. no parent is OBLIGATED to help, it is their choice but make sure it is benifiting everyone and not just 1 or the other!
• United States
28 Mar 08
I saw the show and I would have sent them packing before now. I am all for helping family out when they are in trouble but this was a perfect example of just lazy, disrespectful,freeloaders.
• United States
27 Mar 08
I for one would not have anyone living off my income. I feel this way super hard being I make bags by my self. I started to say no when asked if I have money. How else can I give them money if I don't make a bag sale? Your 10% right in my book. I will never see this as being the right thing to do. Times are making it harder to survive. All parties had better pay their way. I can see living rent free and saving up. But darn it you would starve trying to live off me. I would go through drastic measures to prove this to him. Even putting a lock on my fridge or bringing it to my well locked bedroom. Yes you all know I am not normal