Having Problems With My Sons Father - Advice On Situation Please

@ellie333 (21029)
April 30, 2008 6:30am CST
My son is four years old and having gone through my pregnancy alone once he was born the dad resurfaced to see his son. I allowed of course because I believe that contact and bond between a son and father is necessary. However over these four years he has picked him up and put him down as and when it suits. When younger I could ride these absenses but as my son is getting older he obviously is more aware of when daddy doesn't show and the last time he saw him was Easter for an hour. He was supposed to come over the following Tuesday and never turned up. I text to ask why and got 'Oh I forgot' I haven't received any money either but still allow him to see, but I am getting to the stage where I see how hurt my son is each time he lets him down and really don't know whether or not I should say you either see him regularly or at least phone or don't see at all. As a mother I would be very hurt if I couldn't see my children if I were the absent parent, but he just doesn't seem to care. Advice please. Oh and he also won't answer phone, texts or email but I know through his sister that nothing has happened to him. Thank you. Ellie :D
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19 responses
@Dasari100 (3803)
• Anantapur, India
1 May 08
That is really difficult to manage those things especially his father not taking responsibilities thats the problem so i appreciate you told in several ways but his father couldn't understand so it is difficult for boy because he always think about his parents so he needs some cooperation from his father anyhow his father should understand your fellings. what do you think about this issue? have you taken any decession?
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
As there has been no communciation from my sons father I will have to go via his sister and explain to her what has been happening. Once I have had that conversation I will then decide. I need to protect my son from hurting. It is a very difficult situation and one at this moment I cannot see an aswer to. I am sure it will resolve somehow though. Ellie :D
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@Dasari100 (3803)
• Anantapur, India
1 May 08
I pray god to solve your situation because i know the value of husband and wife relationship and once you stick on with your children and husband life goes in very good way anyhow i hop you will full fill your dreams in coming days. I think there should be a communications between son and father so i don't know the reason why he is behaving like that so do you know the reason?
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Dasari, Thank you for your prayers. All I can say is that he is a selfish man who thinks of him rather than others and the hurt he may cause them. He is also weak for not being able to cope with responsibilty but maybe he will see the err of his ways and make a turnaround but I cannot see this happening at this moment in time. Meanwhile I have to deal with my sons hurt. Thank you for your understanding and support. God bless. Ellie :D
@athinapie (1152)
• Philippines
1 May 08
how about seeking legal advice on this one? you have every right to ask him for child support. he is after all the father. but once he doesn't give, then you're the one who pays for everything which is very unfair. maybe a lawyer can straighten him out. fight for your right girl!
@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
It is not the money I am worried about really, even though that would help it is more my soms emotional welfare as I see him beginning to hurt due to his father continually letting him down and this is what really upsets me, but I will fight for my right now as he has threatened to give up work just so he won;t have to pay, silly boy, not man, he is too immature and lacks responsibilty to be given that label. I budget to my incomings, I work too and work evenings while my son is sleeping so he does not miss out on his time with me but any his dad is prepared to give would be a welcome bonus right now. You are right it is unfair, but life is at times eh! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I really appreciate it. Ellie :D
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@athinapie (1152)
• Philippines
1 May 08
sure ellie you are indeed welcome. i'm glad to help. i wish for the best for you and your son. and i hope that his dad would come into his senses and help you out with all the expenses. i hope that he will be a good dad to your son.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Thanks athinapie for your kind thoughts. Ellie :D
@Rosekitty (19498)
• San Marcos, Texas
1 May 08
My Oldest daughter is going through this with her ex about their 10 yr old daughter..he pays child support and tries to call but then decided to move out of state..so now he comes up with all sorts of excuses why he can't come to see her..and has canceled trips for her to fly to see him the day before she's all happy to go..she says well thats just Daddy..and just accepts it..even though we know it hurts her..they will grow up and accept their absentee parent as that way, but still love them as long as you never put them down to her face..Glad you aren't doing that!
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Oh no I am not as this is so wrong and if I did when my son grew up he would only say I poisoned himagainst his father and not thank me for it. I just feel so upset to see his disappointment but I also cannot force his father to visit. Catch 22 eh! Ellie :D
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@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
30 Apr 08
Ellie I hate it when this happens I really do I suggest you let him know that either he keeps a regular Routine or you will take it further as he is harming the Child and also upsetting the Childs Feelings which is not fair I hope you can get this sorted once and for all or you will have a moody and confused little Boy on your Hands
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Thanks Gabs so do I as I have been really worried about the effect it will have on my son especially as he is getting older and understanding more bless. I cannot get in contact with him as he not answering calls or emails so I will phone his sister and get her to convey some sort of message to him. I don't like to use a third party but it is the only way at the moment. Ellie :D
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@olivemai (4738)
• United States
1 May 08
It is a shame that this seems to be the norm these days! In the United States, many children, up to half of them, do not have contact with one parent or the other! It is usually the father, and there are always some excuses as to why they are not taking care of their children! I would tell him it is for the child, not for me, and give him another chance.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
It is not the money tha is an issue here it is my sons emotional welfare where he keeps letting him down. How many chances do I give and as my son is getting older it is getting harder as he is more understanding. I never speak badly about his father in front of him but he does realise that daddy does come when he says he is going to and that is his father telling him, not me and then he doesn't show. It is so upsetting and frustrating. I just wish I could make his dad more responsible towards him. Ellie :D
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@olivemai (4738)
• United States
1 May 08
I know that it is not the money, it is the time! I meant to tell the dad that he is not hurting you by what he is doing, rather he is hurting his own son!I do not know what you can do about it.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
No Olivemai, nor do I, I wish I knew the answer. Ellie :D
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• Canada
1 May 08
If it were me I would definitly tell him it's regular or not at all and he needs to be paying child support. You an he made your son together not just you. My daughter has never met her father because he is a moron and refused to see her at 6 months old. He wasn't around for the last 6 months of my pregnancy and has never really showed any interest in my daughter so IF he ever decides he wants to see his 11th child I will tell him it is regulat or nothing at all.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Strange isn't it as I am not emotionally envolved here I am reading your response and thinking well SweetVanillaKisses daughter is better off not seeing this guy at all if he is that much of a moron but when it comes to my son because he has met and does see his dad sometimes I am hesitant but I think the time has now come to say see him regularly or not at all eh! I have tried every other route to no avail. Thanks for sharing. Ellie :D
• Canada
13 May 08
I definitely think you owe it to your son to make sure that it is regular or none at all. if you son is old enough to understand you could always give him the choice so you don't feel so bad. Good luck with all of it hun. Hugzzz
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@ellie333 (21029)
13 May 08
Thanks appreciate the hugs. I have since posting this given him the unltimatum my words were 'no pressure for you to see him but when you next decide to know that it will have to be regular or that is is it not at all and I don't mean that to be nasty to you I am trying to protect the one person who in their lives will love you unconditionally so if you are willing to lose that, the love of your son just carrying on being the a~~~~~~ that you have been being because I refuse to have him picked up and put down anymore.' He actually responded with I realise that I just need to sort my head out and will be in contact again soon.' We'll see. Ellie :D
@cbreeze (1209)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Hi Ellie, I've been in a situation similar to yours. You may have already gotten this advice, but I would start by not EVER telling my son his father is coming to get him or that he is even on his way. That way when and if his father shows up, your son will be pleasantly surprised. Since he already knows his father, he may blame you if you cut his father's contact off completely. If your father is around or if you have brothers or a positive male role model, ask them to spend some time with your son on a regular basis. Never express your disappointment in his father to him, he will figure it out on his own as he gets older. As for as child support is concerned, you can go after it, but don't allow yourself to think of your ex as a resource because he may never live up to his financial responsibility. Always budget based on your income. Be strong, it may get rough, but it does get better. Mine are grown now and inspite of everything they now have a healthy relationship with both their father and me.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi I never tell him now when his daddy is supposed to be coming but I have made the mistake of telling him when I have received a text saying he is on his way and then he just doesn't bother showing, but I won't be making that one again! My father lives miles away and my step father lives in another country with my mum, I have two brothers but again they live hundreds of miles away but I hear what you are saying he needs a positive male role figure in his life eh. I do have a friend who is a single parent father who is very good with him and who he gets on with so maybe I should encourage that a bit more, only prob there is the friend would like to be more than so I don't want to send out the wrong signals there either if you get what I mean. I have two daughters from my previous marriage and I have never with them or my son ever said anything bad about their dads to them as they need to make their own relationship and their own decisions, so I am ok on that one. I am pleased to hear that your children have a healthy relationship with both parents. I just hope I can sort this one for my son somehow to stop him getting hurt. I really appreciate your help and advice. Ellie :D
@cbreeze (1209)
• United States
1 May 08
Ellie, May I add another suggestion. See if you can find a sport for your son to participate in. One of my best friends per her son in sports in order to put positive male role models in her son's life. I can definitely understand your reluctance with the man who is interested in more of a relationship with you. For one thing you wouldn't want to involve your son with someone who may reject him if he discovers he isn't getting any further with you. With sports there is just enough interaction with a male role model to make a positive impression with your son. As with any situation you still want to be watchful and protective of your son.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
What an excellent idea, my father was a very good football player and already at four my son is showing such ball control and skills it has been mentioned by quite a few people. He has he own kit and boots so maybe if I enrole him at the local sports centre that will be good for him. Somwthing so simple but when you are emotionally caught up you don't always see the obvious answer. I really appreciate your time in suggesting that. Ellie :D
@lvaldean (1613)
• United States
30 Apr 08
This is a really hard one. No matter which direction you go you are between a rock and a hard place. Your son is really too young to choose for himself the type of relationship that he will have with his father. The father is obviously too immature to establish a true parental relationship. Unfortunately you don't have the power to force the father to act like a responsible adult in this situation. Here is my advice. 1. Get child support, legally! This forces financial responsibility. You don't have to ask for all that is due if you don't need it but sometimes the act of writing a weekly or monthly check reminds the absent parent that there is a child in the world. Sounds strange but it can work if the support amount isn't staggering. 2. If you haven't already done so establish relationships with other members of the fathers family. Especially the grandparents (his parents). Make certain that your son sees them and / or talks to them on a regular basis. These ties if they are loving and solid will help your son and will also remind the father that he has a child that he is responsible for emotionally. Use his family to push his buttons. When he doesn't show call his family and ask where he is, tell them that he didn't show and how this is affecting the child. 3. I don't know how you feel about the father but if you can stomach hanging out with him it might be easier if you set up some "play dates". Part of this might be that he doesn't know what to do with a child this young. So help him bond with his son by hanging out with them. Pick things that are easy to do together such as picnics in the park, going to the zoo, or other things that you can do in 4 hours or less to start on a Saturday. 4. Finally don't set the expectation with your son. If the father says he is coming don't tell your son. For now let it be a surprise until the father establishes a pattern of responsibility and trustworthy behavior.
@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi Thank you so much for your help and advice on this one. I will try to answer back in numerical order to all these suggestions and what I have done so far. 1. He pays something as and when, not much but said if I went the legal route he would give up work so I wouldn't get a penny. He doesn't seem to get that it is used for his son not me. Silly boy. 2. I am in contact with his sister but his mother has nothing to do with him so doesn't see his child either which is a shame as her daughter isn't going to have children so she is missing out on her only grandchild. His sister will have a go on my behalf but I don't like to keep involving her. 3. I have tried all this, but he just comes round and basically drinks coffee and may read an odd book to him. Even on a sunny day I say lets all go to the park and he'll say I'm too tired to be bothered. 4. Finally I do not tell my son when daddy is coming for this reason but he will tell him when he will next see him and then not bother coming. He is that little and gets days confused but he is aware daddy didn't come when he said he would. He has even text to say he has missed train in past will be on next one and then never showed!!! Grrr. I get so angry sometimes. So rereading I think I have tried to implement all you suggest but to no avail so I really do not know what my next step should be. I appreciate the time you have spent in this discussion to help. Can you see what else I may be able to do? Ellie :D
@lvaldean (1613)
• United States
30 Apr 08
If you have made all these attempts and he continues to behave in this fashion then you really don't have many options left to you. Your son is to young to continue to be hurt by the irresponsibilty of an adult in this fashion. So here goes the hard part. 1. Do go after child support legally. I don't care if he says he will quit working to avoid child support. That is his perogative and he can choose this. But he made a child with you and he must step up to his responsibility to support that child through his life. It is not an issue of fair it is an issue of ensuring that the child is provided for. Even if you don't need it the child does! If you don't require it for day-to-day care put the money in a college fund for the future. If the father is so petty that he will quit work to avoid it then he is cutting off his nose to spite his face and eventually he will land in jail. Good riddance! 2. Grandma may not love her son but does that really extend to her grandson? Have you tried? That is so sad for both her and your son. If this is really true than she is a mean hag and your son is better off without her. Finally, you are going to have to make a hard decision for the good of your son. If this man cannot be a real and true father than the best thing you can do is demand that he not see your son at this time. No drop by visits. No promises to see him. No phone calls. In essence let him off the hook on visitation. Demand nothing of him in this regard. Your child is not a toy to be picked up and played with on a whim. Yes it might hurt for a bit. But protecting him from regular and frequent hurts is better. You will likely need to talk to an attorney regarding how to do this while seeking support at the same time. Usually the courts say you cannot cut off visitation.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi Ivydean, Once again thank you for all your advice. I have tried with the gandmother and through the sister have been told my son is provided for in her will and that she sees photos and asks after him and have offered to visit with him but she does not want to know. I think the route now is to stop contact, which I expect the dad will be relieved rather than upset that I have made that decision because then he can do his poor me scenario of 'she won't let me see him' eh! My sons long term mental health is my concern and like you say he is not a toy but a little person with feelings. Ellie :D
@palonghorn (5490)
• United States
30 Apr 08
First off, why is he not paying any child support? And secondly, is it better to have him in your son's life when it is convienent for him, and put your son through the disappointment? That little boy would be better without the disappointment and rejection, then to have a part-time father when the father feels like seeing him. His answer to you 'Oh, I forgot', that would have been answer enough for me, to tell him either step up to the plate or step away. Personnally, I woud not subject my child to a parent that is only a parent when he feels like it.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi palonhorn. I understand what you are saying but my son knows he has a father and wants to see him even if only for a short time. As far as money is concerned he pays a little when he can but is always skint and when I say about the legal route he just says I'll give up wotking and you won't get anything. It is not for me, it is for his son. I think he would be better off without being picked up and put down but it will be me that has to live with the consequences when he is older if I am the one to say no you can't see your son to his father if that makes sense, but I also worry about any long term psychological effects this being picked up and put down may also have on my son. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I really appreciae it. Ellie :D
• United States
30 Apr 08
Ellie, I wanted to chime in here on something you said. You say that your ex says he will give up working and you won't get a dime if you go the legal route. I don't think he can do that. Regardless whether he is working or not, he is the father and he is half responsible by any court of law to provide for his son regardless of him working or not. At least that is the way it is in the state of Florida and I imagine it is very similar in other states. When I went to court with my ex, I was not working but they still can't expect one parent to be the soul provider. So they figured my income based on minium wage, so they could find out what my ex would be responsible for paying me for child support. So if you go the legal route whether he is working or not, they will figure up what he is to be paying in child support and it is his responsiblity to pay that. If he doesn't then he can end up in prison for not paying, any money he gets from income tax will go straight to you, and if and when he does return to work they can garnish his wages. So don't allow him to control you into not going to the courts because he wants to use a scare tactic that you won't get anything.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi Speedy, I am in UK and our system is very different and even if you go through the courts we have something called the CSA (Child Support Agency) they don't really follow it through, in fact if he gave up work that is when they are able to deduct from his income support but only £5 a week which is why he is saying he'll give up work because working I think they can do an attachment to earnings and they would take a lot more. Thanks for advice though, appreciated. It is my sons emotional hurt I am more concerned with right now though because as he is getting older he is understanding more that daddy doesn't come and see him. Ellie :D
@MsTickle (25014)
• Australia
3 May 08
I don't think your little boy should be subjected to the hurt of an errant father. A bad parent is much worse than no parent. Tell his dad to get lost, that there's no point to him being around when it suits him. Tell him he has to be a proper Dad who is responsible and paying his way and can be counted on by his son or to just leave you alone. Be honest with your son but don't explain too much. If he asks tell him his dad isn't coming. If he doesn't ask, say nothing. Hopefully you have family support because it would be very hard if you were completely alone. It's important your son experiences family life as much as possible.
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@MsTickle (25014)
• Australia
3 May 08
You don't need to bad mouth his dad. Just don't make excuses for him. Mention him as little as possible and keep your son busy. He will form his own conclusions about his dad as he grows. This is how I raised my girls and they simply didn't worry about him . We got on with our lives. I had no family support though, not from my family or his. This was just nasty and cruel I think.
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@ellie333 (21029)
4 May 08
Thanks for the advice MsTickle, sorry you never had the family support because that makes a big difference. He has my love and the love of his sisters day to day as my family all live hundreds of miles away but we do seem them as much as we can. His dads sister acknowledges and visits a couple of times a year but that it from his side. My eldest daughter said much the same as you as she doesn't want her little brother affected by it all and says we have enough love to give him without him being hurt by that ******. I have given so many chances, think this time it is his last chance for sure. Thanks for sharing. Ellie :D
• United States
1 May 08
I'm in a similar boat with you ellie. I don;t have any advice except to keep loving your son unconditionally, and be there to wipe away his tears. If you try to keep his dad away, his anger will just build up towards you. And if you talk badly about his father, he will grow up to think you planted thoughts in his head, and never really wanted him to have a relationship with his dad. The way I handle this kind of thing, is I just give my kids all the love I have. I encourage them to express their feelings to their father, and to write him. When he breaks promises or deals he's made with them, I try to explain it as much as I can without talking dirt about him. I just say maybe something came up that he had to deal with, or maybe bills got bad and he ran out of money. They are old enough now, that they come back with their own conclusions. SOmetimes its pretty harsh what they say. But I try to refocus their attention somewhere else, and just let them know I care and will always be here for them. peace and blessings
@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Hi thanks its just so difficult at times isn't it when your children are hurting, I'd rather it be me hurting than my son. I don't talk badly about his dad in fron of him as I realise the damage that can do, my son is only four so is really just beginning to write his name but maybe he can write to his daddy when he is a bit older. Like you say all I can do is keep loving my son and letting him know how special he is eh! Thanks for sharing. Ellie :D
@anonymili (3140)
1 May 08
Regardless of the fact that he's not paying child support I'm sorry to say but he needs a good kick up the rear end for being so selfish! Children can be scarred for life by this sort of thing and your poor 4 year old must be so confused about why daddy doesn't turn up when he's supposed to. If I were you I would put my foot down and keep him away from your son for a while till he learns to respect his son's feelings. Tell him that if he can't "remember" his own child, he'll have to keep his distance until he can assure you that he will remember when he's promised to come see him or phone him! It's a tough one Ellie hun but I hope you resolve it soon, my heart goes out to your little boy having to put up with these constant disappointments. xx
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
The money is a separate issue really my concern is my sons welfare even my eldest daughter said to me earlier on the phone to cut contact for my sons sake and she is at uni doing pyschology so has some understanding of the effects it can have on children being picked up and put down as she has covered it in her course. She says we have enough love between us to give him and that he doesn't need the ar*sehole in his life. I think a lot of others would like to kick him too. Thing is he won't answer his phone, too chicken even to talk, my only option is to contact his sister and convey to her at least she can get away with kicking him, which she will, but if he is going to keep letting him down I would rather he sever now before even more harm done if that makes sense. Ellie :D
• Philippines
1 May 08
hi, ellie! i understand how hard it must be for you. and harder for your son who's growing up and starting to ask about things and why they happen, especially if it concerns any one of his parents. though, i am not really familiar with the laws in your country...would it really be feasible for him to just not work to avoid his obligations to your son? i mean, yes he may avoid the responsibility to your son, but how would he live for himself without working? would he be supported well that he can afford to just suddenly stop working? if not, then he'll just controlling you and threatening you with something that he's not really going to do. further, if he's really keen on doing that, i guess he should have done that a long time ago so you can face the situation all alone. but since it seems that he just keeps on saying that to prevent you from going to court or take any action that would force him to take up his obligations. if giving up work is so easy for him to do, he should have already done that without telling you. regarding your son, there are many ways of explaining what's happening. however, very few of these ways are easy. there's no guarantee that both of you would come out of it unhurt. but most of the time, just by going through it and keeping your faith on yourself is enough to let the problem solve by itself. your son is very young to understand fully, but give him words that he would understand. sometimes give him something higher than what he could understand and someday that seed would grow in his mind and understanding would come automatically. everything will happen in due time. just keep the faith. with you having gone through pregnancy alone and now single-handedly rasiing up your son, there is no doubt that you are a strong woman that can carry through to the end. if the son's father likes to be a father only when he likes it..then treat him like that. treat him like somebody who's not so important that it really doesn't matter whether he shows up or not. you're not getting any money, any kind of support nor any better with him. so why bother? surely the son would miss his father. that's the perfect time to make your role as a mom to be bigger than big. you're the one who's always with him. show him the greatest love that you can give. i know many people who grew up with only the mom around and those people only have the highest praises for their mothers. someday your son would understand and greatly appreciate what you have done for him. just being the parent who was with him since the beginning without letting up would make you the only one in his heart. i know easier said than done, but it can be done. JUST DO IT, GIRL!
@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Oh thank you for your kind and wise words of support travlingsoul. If he gave up work the state will provide for him even paying his rent but he will have a minimal amount to live on so yes perhaps an iydall threat. I'm not worried so much on the finances even though I do struggle, I work and make ends meet. I work in the evenings while my son is sleeping so that he doesn't miss out on too much mummy time, bless. I try to explain that his daddy is busy working (ha, ha) and cna't always have the time to see him. I never say anything nasty as my son when older will see for himself and be able to make his own mind up, but it upsets me so much when he asks why daddy hasn't been to see him especially when the other kids at school talk excitedly about theirs, but as you say there are many woman bringing up children alone and very successfully so if his dad does bail out fo his life completely I have a big enough heart to give love for both. Ellie :D
@winterose (39931)
• Canada
1 May 08
I think you should have a talk with your ex and say either you are in his life or you are not the ball is in your court, but you are not going to have it both ways because I will not have our son hurt that way.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Hi Winterose that is just the sort of talk I wish to have but as he won't speak on the phone, by email or text it is a bit difficult to have a conversation. I will have to speak through his siter but I really don't like doing the third party bit. What I really need is a face to face conversation with him eh! I cannot see my son hurting and do nothing so will have to go via sister until he turns up. Thanks for sharing your thoughs on this, much appreciated. Ellie :D
@Hatley (159623)
• Garden Grove, California
1 May 08
Doesn't he realize how hard that is on your son and that it is his son whether he wants to acknowledge that or not.he is beingthoughtless where his son is concerned. as hedoes not answer any medium of exchange I get the feeling he does not much care an odd attitude to take for a parent. how could he just forget? is your son that little of a concern to him I couldsee forgetting a package or even a dog but ason. give mea break.maybe you should convey through his sister that you would rather he not see him at all unless] he is willing to keep his word and come when he says he will.
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Thanks Hatley, This is what I am going to have to do now so I will speak to his sister, but it almost seems like he is goading me into making this decision as he doens't have the strength to say hey I don't want to see hime so I will be giving him the easy way out by saying he can't then he can carry on with his poor me scenario and tell people she won't let me see him to make himself feel better about the fact that he is an unreliable and seemingly uncaring dad. My sons emotional welfare is what is important here though so if I am forced to make this decision I will. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I do appreciate it. Yes to just forget is a pretty poor excuse eh! Ellie :D
@speedy1279 (2670)
• United States
1 May 08
Hey Ellie, When I first commented to you I didn't realize you were in the UK. It is a shame that the courts do it differently over there. As for you son's emotional hurt, I know what you are going through. My son hasn't seen his dad since December of 2006. Not because his dad doesn't want to see him, but because he is in the Army and lives in another state. He has been trying to get out for almost six months now, so the military hasn't granted him any time off to come see his son. My son is only 5 years old and he will come up to me out of no where and ask me "Mommy, when is my dad going to come see me?". Then I have to try to explain to him that his daddy wants to come see him, but the Army isn't giving him any time off to come see him. It's sucks that I have to tell him this, but I don't know any other way to explain it to him. I want my son to know that it is not his dad's fault. If you were to ask my son about his dad, he will tell you "I hate the Army because they won't let my daddy come see me!" It absolutely breaks my heart to hear my 5 year old son say something like this, but it is comforting to know that he understands that it's not his dad's fault. My son has down right cryed because he misses his daddy so much! It's alot for a child so young to have to deal with. Now I know your situation is different, your son's father doesn't seem to want to be in his son's life. I know how upsetting that can be. It does emotionally hurt both you and your son! The best thing I can suggest is to follow your heart. Only you know what's best for your son. With your situation I would say as little as possible as to why his dad isn't coming around. He is probably still a little young to fully understand. Just make sure that he knows "you" love him! The one thing I learned from leaving my ex is that I will in no way influence my son's judgement of his father. Yes, I left his dad because of some bad choices his father made. But my son doesn't need to know that. My son will form his own opinion of his dad over time. It is not my place to do. I wish you all the best and if you ever just need to talk, I am here!
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@ellie333 (21029)
1 May 08
Hi Speedy, Thank you so much for your kind words and support in this situation. I would also like to say that it must be very difficult that your son has his dad away in the army, but at least he hasn't abandoned him and your son has the army to blame. Its such a shame when they hurt isn't it. I know that anytime my children are in pain whether they hurt pyhsically or emotionally I want to have their pain so they don't have to go through it but life isn't like that and they do have experience to become who they will be eh! I work within a marine camp here and I hear so many dads proudly speaking of their loved ones and children and how much they miss them so it must be difficult for your sons dad too. Yes both our sons will make their own minds up at some stage in their lives re their fathers. Thanks for the offer of a talk if needed, really appreciated. Ellie :D
• United States
30 Apr 08
Hi ellie! Seems to me that he is not such a good father. I am there right with you. The next time he comes to see your son, don't let him. Your son is getting older and is very bright. he will be able to see that daddy doesn't care for him that much. Being that he is not answering your texts messages or phone calls, write him a very detailed letter stating that you will not allow him to continue to see his son under those conditions. Take him to court for child support. If my sister giftsandbags were reading this she would come over and slap me. This is because I never took the father of my nearly 18 year old son to court for child support because I was thinking more of his father being in his life as apposed to money but when I finally decided to do it, I found out that I couldn't because my son dropped out of school but you do it and do it now. And most importantly...........seek full custody of your son. I know you are saying that he is already your son and he is because you had him but it makes such a huge difference. I know because I have, according to the courts, full custody of my 12 and 13 year old boys. I feel bad for the children, especially boys, because they don't deserve it at all and there are certain things that men are supposed to teach their male children that mommies can't. I wish you the best in this situation and stay prayerful.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi Linda, I will do the taking him to court bit for money but I will not give him an easy way out by saying he can't see his son as he will do the poor me scenario with everyone because I made the decision not him as he is not man enough to, but I feel deep down thats what he wants. He knows he is on his last ultimatum over this and yet he still does nothing, no visits, no contact. In fact he came Easter day for an hour to drop an egg told my son he would see him on the Tuesday and then never showed. I text to ask why and I got 'Oh I forgot' I do already have full custody he is not even on birth certificate as he went AWOL during my pregnancy and then suddenly turned up when my son was 3 months old wanting to see him, which I have allowed. I just don't want my son hurt but either way I think he will be bless. Thank you for sharing and the help and advice. Ellie :D
• Bahamas
30 Apr 08
Hi ellie. I can see you're between a rock and a hard place. I always try to understand how any parent could willing deprive their children of their presence.I could respect him more if he said i dont want to be in his life and just bowed out from the begining. But to enter the childs life and then be a deadbeat is inexcusable.I dont think it would be wise to not let him see his son, it would just give him an excuse when the time comes for him to explain his behavoir, dont give him that advantage.This angers me because no matter what you do your son is going to be hurt by this man if he doesn't change for the better.I would take him to court for child support though no matter how much he threatens me, just so you have a court order for support and it can't hurt either way.Ellie just continue to love your son and build your relationship with him, so that despite whatever role his father plays in his life he'll know that he is loved.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
Hi dragonfly, It is a very difficult situation like you say which is why I asked for advice. I'm in UK and going the legal route won't really benefit me as they don't chase non-payers and if he does give up work the most I'll see is £5 taken direct, even though I could do with the money it is my sons welfare I am more concerned about and as he is groing older he is obviously understanding more. Oh I know if I made the decision that he couldn't see him the dad wiuld then be able to do the poor me scenario and she won't let me see him bit which as he is so weak probably wants me to make the decision for him then he can't be the one at fault, men eh, well this one anyway. I think he needs to grow up and take some sort of responsibilty somewhere. Thanks for your advice and yes I will continue to love my son and have the close relationship that we already have whether or not he has his father in his life or not. Ellie :D
@gemini_rose (16194)
30 Apr 08
It is hard to see our children hurting when in situations like this. I split with my eldest childs father just after he was born, I too offered access and visits and it worked for a couple of visits and then on my sons first birthday he was supposed to come and see him, and did not. He never got in touch to explain or nothing. 3 months later at christmas he sent a christmas card with £5 in and said he was sorry but the car had broken down. I had a solicitor and he told me in plain english that this guy was not worth it and would probably just keep letting my son down. So I made the decision not to contact him no more, if he chose to get in touch about his son then I would have tried to work something out, but there was no way he was going to hurt my son like that as he got older. My eldest son is now 16 and has never had any contact with his biological father, he never got in touch again. You have to be the one to make the decision for your son, your son will feel the effects of this and it is not going to be nice for him. I think if it was me then I would try and get in touch and offer an ultimatum, that either he takes his responsibilities seriously and stops messing the boy about or you will stop any contact until further notice because your son is suffering, it might just shake him up and make him realise what he is doing or you might not hear anything from him. Other than that, if he does not respond to you then I would just not get in touch with him for the time being, see how long it is before he contacts you. It is a hard situation, but my son has not suffered as a consequence of not seeing his biological father, better that than growing up to be bitter and unhappy because they are always being let down.
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@ellie333 (21029)
30 Apr 08
I am so pleased that your son hasn't suffered from not having any contact with his biological father. I am seriously considering giving the ultimatum to my sons father as I really don't want my son suffering when he is let down. I will give his sister a call and let her know that he is on his last chance and see if she can convey as he not answering my calls at present. I will not contact again and I budget around not getting any money so that will not affect. As and when I do it is seen as a bonus and I usually get my son new shoes with it. Thank you for sharing with me your experience in this situation. I really appreciate it. Ellie :D