Should I have gone?
By dizzblnd
@dizzblnd (3073)
United States
May 7, 2008 7:46pm CST
Heres a little background. My husband's nephew is is a bad relationship with a young "woman" They have always fought, never had a nice thing to say about each other, Then they had a baby. They live with her parents, who are also meant to each other, the mother and daughter fight constantly. The baby is now 4. Autumn, his girlfriend, and her mother, Carol, cuss at Tommy, the child. The call him a brat. The house they live in smells like dog. Then they had ANOTHER child. I haven't seen the 2nd one since was born 2 years ago.
The reason is because it breaks my heart to see how they treat these boys, the condition they are living in, and the way their parents treat each other. HRS has been called o them, but they found no cause to take the boys away. (theres no indication of physical abuse)
We were invited to the youngests' BDAY party this weekend. My SIL, the boys' paternal grandmother called me and begged me to go. She didn't want to go either, because she can't stand the way to boys are treated either. I told her I didn't want to go. She tried to guilt me into it, but we only hear from them at the Bday's of the boys.
I feel guilty for not going, after all, the boys didn't choose the situation, but they wouldn't know who I was anyway.
Would you have gone? Am I a bad aunt?
6 people like this
17 responses
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
8 May 08
I have to say with the situation even as it is. I would have gone if it was my nephews. Those boys could probably use all the love they can get. I'm very close to my aunt because she was always there even when my parents weren't. I would have gone and gotten to know your nephews.
2 people like this
@dizzblnd (3073)
• United States
8 May 08
THAT'S the part of me that makes me feel bad. I want to give them love, but due to they're upbringing, they don't know how to act properly. I would feel the need to discipline them, not my place. I completely understand what you mean, though.
1 person likes this
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
8 May 08
They might have been better behaved had they get some positive attention. That whole situation is a tough call.
2 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
8 May 08
I really do not know the answer to this one, I am not sure there is a right or a wrong answer at all. It is not like you can do anything much about the situation and there is no point going somewhere that you are not happy about being. I think that I would have gone simply to satisfy myself that the children were ok, and to try and be in their lives a little just so that they had someone to turn to if they needed to. I would not feel bad about it if I were you, if the HRS have been involved then at least you know that there is someone just keeping an eye out.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 May 08
No you are not a bad aunt and I do not blame you
as I probably wouldn't have wanted to go either
from what you have told us.But seems that someone
should callchildrens protective service and see about
the way they treat those children. verbal abuse is
a form of bad abuse and a dirty house is not too
impressive either. Maybe the paternal grandmother is also
concerned about the boys welfare and wants you to do
something about it.
2 people like this
@alliepoo (32)
• Jamaica
8 May 08
well the grandmother was more obligated to attend,even though u did not go, that does not make you a bad aunt.it is really sad for kids to suffer from the wrath of adults.try to see if you could offer to have the kids for a weekend and spend time with them,a change of environment will help the kids and maybe the digusted parents too.you see alot of ppl would not mind having a kid to instill moral principles and these immature ones are foolin around with such a precious gift.bye
2 people like this
@cathyd4608 (2)
• United States
8 May 08
hi,my name is cathy im 43 and the mother6 young adult children age 19-26 i have to grandchildren
my grandson 6 lives with my husband and i.someone
needs to call family sevice to get this family help
they will provide them with service for parenting
and counseling and several other things to benefit
these children,a child should not have to live in
these conditions,they should feel loved and cared for
they should feel that there home is a safe haven if
everery one ignores this problem it will only get worse.i wish you luck my prayers are with you and
your family.
2 people like this
@nzinky (822)
• United States
9 May 08
If I didn't want to go to someone's house that I didn't like I wouldn't go.......Your not being a bad Aunt not to be in a house where there is constant fighting and swearing...
I would call them and let them know if you do go that If there is any fighting that you and your family would leave at the frist sign of it...
Then I would come home and call CPS and explain what the young boys are going through....Let them go in and get the boys....
They need to know that someone cares about them...If you do call CPS you need to have a plan to take in the boys if they are removed from the house...
There is no excuse for bad behavior......It sounds like there is a lot of it coming from this family....
Who knows you may be the one who helps by doing this than you know because then the family will get the help they need.
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
8 May 08
No of course you are not. sounds like a horrible situation for that family. until one of them have had enough, and change the behavior. Your presence will not do any good. Its a tough spot to be in, you care for the kids yet can't condone what the adults are doing. You are right in not wanting to take part in that.
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
8 May 08
What about having the boys to your home? and getting to know them a bit better in a loving clean environment. Sounds like they won't be missed for a weekend now and again.
1 person likes this
@coffeeshot (3783)
• Australia
8 May 08
No you're not a bad aunt. Like you said, you don't know them anyway. Perhaps you could send them a small gift in the mail? It would be nice foe them to receive a suprise but then again they might be womndering who you are.
This is a really tough situation and don't feel bad about it.
If you are still concerned, call HRS again and explain to them that they're living in squallor and you know for a fact that they talk to their children inappropriately. It would be heartbreaking to sit back and let this happen to these kids.
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
8 May 08
You are not a bad aunt but I would have gone anyway! It may seem like a terrible way to live, but maybe you could have influenced the parents by what you say to them! At the very least, you can offer some love and a good example to the young boys who may not know any other life!
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
8 May 08
Nobody is a lost cause! So she learned to treat kids and people that way from her mother! That is too bad but it is not a hopeless situation! What will happen if everyone ignores the situation? It can come back to haunt you one day! There are parenting classes that can be forced on them and other options that may help! I know that CPS can make them go to counseling and classes. Role playing can help! I know someone who was like that, and people do stay away from him! But in the mean while, they are also staying away from his kids, who do not deserve to be ignored because it is not their fault! When people who do not know him say something, of course he says something mean to them too! But if someone close to him would only say something, it could mean the difference between night and day for the kids! Every real smile counts!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
8 May 08
No I wouldn't have gone either. I am an Aunt 9 times over from my 3 half brothers and 1 half sister and I have never attended a single one of their childrens parties nor have I invited any of them to mine for my kids.
You aren't a bad Aunt at all but I would send over a small gift for each one of the kids like some nice new clean non dog smelling clothes. Something you are sure the kids will get the benefit out of and not their worthless mom and grandma.
1 person likes this
@DonnaLawson (4032)
• United States
8 May 08
I don't know for sure if I would have went or not.. If I didn't go, then the guilt would get the best of me.. I believe that I would maybe start going to get the boys once a week and taking them out to Micky D's.. Everyone would love that, the parents would get a break and you might be able to show the boys what it is like to be loved by someone.. It also might be more fun than you could imagine.. I love to take my niece's kids out to McDonalds and let them eat and play outside on the little McDonalds playground..
1 person likes this
@reene0225 (351)
• United States
8 May 08
I most likely wouldn't have gone either. If I did I would only go for the boys and there would probably end up with you having to leave because an argument was started that you didn't agree with and led you to say some things they didn't like either. That is terrible about those kids. They shouldn't have even had any kids to begin with. If all they do is cuss to the kids, call them brats and fight with each other. Who knows what else is going on. You're not a bad aunt. You were just saving yourself the trouble of going over there and being even more heartbroken to see what condition they were living in. Hopefully HRS will find some ground to take the boys and get them to a good home.
1 person likes this
@Pitgull (1522)
• United States
8 May 08
I would have gone. If I knew that's how my nephews were being treated, I'd be there to be sure they weren't for my time there. If I heard something that I didn't think should be said or worse, done to him, trust that I would not keep quite.
A nephew is your blood, he is your family. If his parents don't care for him, regardless of who his parents are to you, FOR HIM, your nephew, you should stand up and do what's right. Maybe they should live with a different member of your family. THAT is what family is about. Don't stand by and watch the abuse you know is occuring...and Aunt is supposed to protect too. When their parents don't, they need someone who loves them to.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
8 May 08
hi dizz. Not trying to make you feel guiltier but I probably would have gone if I cared about the boys. I have a tendency to reach out to kids like this because they really really need someone on thier side. There is a little boy and girl that come into the store I work in. I will sometimes buy them a treat and if I have time just smile and chat with them a bit. You can tell they come from a pretty rough home...maybe not abusive but the mom doesn't seem to have much time for them. They are always filthy and dressed poorly. They are walking to the store and are way to young to be walking alone. Last year the girl brought me in a bouquet of flowers and thanked me for being so kind to her. Sometimes just a smile and a few words really make their day. Their bodys may not be hurting but their little egos are and could surely use the lift.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
9 May 08
You know what, dizzbInd, you are not a bad aunt at all. For you to be so concerned about it that you took extra care to type out the whole situation, I already know that you are such a great and caring aunt. It's just that the circumstances didn't allow for you to come. If I were in your place, I wouldn't go as well.
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
8 May 08
I wouldnt have gone either. I wouldnt be able to keep a straight face and that might have led to another unpleasant situation if they chose to take note of my displeasure.
Its sad that the boys have to be brought in this environ as it may simply mean that the cycle will continue in two more families in the future. i hope someome comes to their senses there and decided that they have to make changes to facilitate a better living conditions both physically and socially for the boys.
