Worrieng mother

@anetteh (3591)
Sweden
May 15, 2008 6:38am CST
I know I am no longer having the responsibility to answer for my daughter, she is 20 and living by her self. However, I see all the wrong things she do and ending up in trouble. It is hard to see and watching her making the mistakes she should not have to be doing if she just listen to me and my advices. It is so stupid to make mistakes you do not have to make. I know I should not worries, but you are always a mother and will always worries about your children no matter their age are. What is your opinion on the issues
8 people like this
23 responses
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
15 May 08
You are a normal mother, or at least a good mother. It's hard to watch your children make bad decisions and know that nothing you can say will make a difference. What I had to do was finally tell mine if they didn't want my input then don't come complaining to me. We're mothers, it's what we do.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
Thank you, I need to hear that. I have had some hard days worrying about her things and her doing. Most of it concerns money of course, because she always need money and want me to help her. I can not do that all the time. I have my own bills to pay. I can help with things, but not that. I hope what I have done for her the past week will be in some help. I did get her a job for the summer. It´s the best help I can get her for the time being. I have now, told her, you have to straiten your self up and start to act as an adult and be responsible. Today she missed a doctor appointment, and she has another tomorrow, so I will call her up so she will not miss it. It is an important appointment and can have a huge impact on her life.
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
15 May 08
One thing that helped me was putting the ball back in their court. If they came to me for money, I wanted to know why they didn't have any. Then I decided where the cut off place would be. And I let them know in no uncertain terms where I stood on the matter. I did my best to not leave them hanging, I learned to explain to them what I was going to do and why, made them repeat it back to me so they couldn't back and say they didn't understand. Then when they came and said they had a speeding ticket, or what ever the crisis was at that time, I would tell them it was 'A decision you made' that caused this to happen or that to happen. People have to be made acountable for their decisions. I notice today that a lot of young people want to blame everyone else for the trouble they get themselves into instead of being made to face the fact that it was a decision THEY made that got them into that place. Your probably going to have to watch her flounder before she gets it, but baling her out all the time isn't helping her. We're moms, we want to help our children. The truth is if we don't back off a little and let them make their mistakes and suffer the consequences, we're doing them more harm than good. Just remind her that she made the decision that caused this or that to happen. Don't harp at her, but when she comes to you complaining. Just say to her, 'It was your decision'
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
Well, well. My daughter has done a test for ADHD and got the diagnoses on Friday. She has ADHD. The problem is to get this diagnoses so late in life. Her brother got his diagnoses of ADHD for five years ago ( he is 17). He got help in school, in his spear time and he is today a young man with great knowledge about this disorder. It is not easy to get this diagnoses in adult age. But at least now we know what to deal with. They do not have the same ADHD, so she will not have the same medication as her brother. But now, I know the problem and how to support and help her. However, it is not easy to tell an adult what she should do or not do. thank you for your kind words and god advice. I will try to use it when I can.
@Elixiress (3893)
2 Jun 08
I think you are right to worry as you have probably made all of those mistakes yourself, but you have to think that if your Mam had warned you before you made them would you have stopped doing what you were doing and listened? Probably not at least now you have learned from them and you just have to let your daughter do the same thing.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
6 Jun 08
The thing is, when I was a teen, I was a stay home student. I was studying and kept my self out of trouble. Of course, I had my issues but again, I did stay out of trouble. When I see my daughter do mistakes that will in the long run not be worth it, I do tell my opinion. And I hope she take it in and think about it, if she not take the advice there is nothing I can do.
@Elixiress (3893)
6 Jun 08
That might be part of the problem, as you were in doors a lot of the time you never really got out there and experienced the teenage / young adult things and maybe that makes you more apprehensive. But I agree the best you can do is tell her your worries, at least if she does continue to go ahead and do as she wants, she will be more careful than she might have otherwise been.
• Canada
19 May 08
Yes, you will always worry about your children, no matter what their age. The hardest thing is watching them make a mistake and not being able to do anything about it. My daughter is 20 as well, and she has just moved out and her boyfriend has moved in with her. He's not right for her and she had broken up with him once because he cheated on her. When I found out she was seeing him again, we discussed it, I gave her my opinion, once, and told her it was her life and her decision. It is hard not to say anything else, but I bite my tongue and I am nice to her boyfriend. Hopefully, in the long run she will see him for exactly what he is, but she has to be the one who sees it, not me, because at that age, they know everything. She's a smart girl and I think eventually she will say it. I guess you have to let them make their own mistakes and learn the lessons of life their own way.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
21 May 08
It sounds just like my daughter. She did the exact same thing. Moved away from home, two blocks from my house, let her boyfriend move in with her. It did not end god, however, she did also let her best friend move in with her, and I did not like that either. She started up well, with going back to school for an education, but her friend stooped paying for her self and my daughters money did not help them both. However, she also noticed her big problem reading more than one course at the same time was not good for her. So a little brake to find out why this was the reason. She have made an investigation and did get the diagnose of ADHD. No surprise of mine. Her brother did get his diagnose for five years ago. The differences between them are superior and I have had no chance to know this in her early state. Now, when she has her diagnose she can get the help she really need to finished her school. And to have this knowledge about her self can in her private life be a big change when comes to friends and boyfriends. I got her a job for the summer at my workplace. And she is going to work with me on saterday. Kids always will know better than parents it seems
• Australia
18 May 08
I will be honest,I am a mother of 4 but I am still pretty young and I was a pretty bad daughter and no longer speak to my mum and it feels not long ago that I was in all sorts of trouble,so therefore I am absolutely panicing about my kids growing up!!In one respect I still remember argueing with my mother wondering why she didnt think i was a responsible person,why she didnt understand I could make my own choices?then on the other hand I wonder if I listened to my mum if things would have been different?its a hard choice to make because I know how bad I was as a kid and it scares me so much to think my kids might be halve as bad or even do half what I did?but then again i survived and I have 4 great kids and a great happy life so when my time comes I hope my kids will come to me if they need me but also learn from my mistakes?but whatever as long as they know I am here for them no matter what and that they are alive and happy and healthy then I will be happy.This probably didnt help much but as long as you are there for them and continue being a mum then they will be fine,we had to learn and they will too.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
Unfortunately we tend to be in a circle. The kids do make the same mistakes as the mum and dad did. And parents try hard to help the kids for not do the same. It is that circle you like to cut out. I some time´s wonder if it is a destiny, that we are going to do the same mistakes. However, for my daughter, is not doing the same mistakes I did, she is making her own differently from my. Two days ago, my daughter did a test for being diagnosed with ADHD. And she Has ADHD. This explain why she make the mistakes she does. Her brother got his diagnoses for five years ago, he did get help both home and in school. He was 12 when i got it, she is an adult, now 20.....and the community now has to help her, I can only help when she do ask for it. Thank you for responding and god luck with your kids.
@kaleegirl45 (1474)
• United States
16 May 08
As mom's we tend to protect our kids for as long as we possible can. If you keep telling her what she is doing wrong, she will keep doing them. Your best bet is to let her learn my her mistakes. She will soon learn that mother know best. I have a 35 y/o and she know all, so she thinks. As one of the members put it. "If you don't want my advise don't complain" We all made mistakes and our mothers told us the same thing, We must have learned something, now we are trying to teach our kids what is right and wrong. next time she does get in trouble, let her know that she is on her own and she needs to deal with it.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
Well, I do let her know it is her own fault she have the life as she has at the moment. She has to face the consequences for her actions. That I can not bail her out all the time. She has to pay for the mistakes she does, or listen to what I say. Unfortunately, she did two day´s ago got her diagnoses of ADHD. Her brother now 17 did get his diagnoses for five years ago. She is an physical adult, but not mental , he is still a child, on going adult age. I can tell that my son will not be able to cope without an adult to help him the day he will live mummy´s home. I guess, now, thinking about it, she should had some help to. But Sicne she got the diagnoses in her adult age, that is now up to her....I still only can advice her....to get the help she really needs. Thank you for responding.
@shooie (4989)
• United States
16 May 08
You hit the nail on the head when you said you are always the mother and will always worry...smiles doesn't matter how old out children get is how we are. But I also know that if we didn't make the mistakes and things we did when we were their age we would not of become the strong and independant people we are. Yes they do the things we did and we want to help them no they have to make the same mistakes on their own. Funny thing is sooner or later they'll come around and say something like, Mom you were right if I would of done it this way or that way i wouldn't of had the problems I did. winks hugs ya and keep worrying just means ya care...
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
The young once always know better than their mothers they believe. However, when the mistake is done, and the outcome did not became what they thought it would be, they turn back to mum and say, why did I not listen to you..... But we do tend to learn from our mistakes, and that make us adult more knowledge and wish we can help the kids not do the same mistakes.... thank you for responding.
@AmbiePam (48153)
• United States
15 May 08
I feel for you. I can look back now at mistakes I made and think, why didn't I listen to my parents? Now sometimes I didn't agree with their advice, and it truly was something I had to decide on my own. But sometimes I was just plain old stubborn! I don't know what it is like to be a parent, but I think the best you can do is offer advice when she asks, and try not to say too much about her screw ups, unless it directly affects you. She is more likely to listen to you if you scale back on the unwanted advice. Now don't get me wrong, she probably needs your advice, but this is somthing she is going to have to muddle through mostly on her own. You are obviously a loving mother, and when your daughter comes to her senses, she will be lucky to have you there for her.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
Thank you for responding. God to hear from someone having experience. Well, she mabee do not listen at the moment, as you she come back later on and say, why did I not listen to you....and yet she will not listen at the time. I guess, the young once always want to be right, even though they know they are wrong.
@selby70 (283)
15 May 08
My son is 32 this year married and 2 children and my daughter 28 married and 2 children my youngest still at home 21 this year and I still worry about every one of them they may have grown up but they are still my children. My son went to the pictures last night with his friend I didnt stop worrying about him until he was in the house. I wish I wasnt like that but when they go out I think relax but I always think of the worst.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
Hello and thank you for responding. We are the bests moms, Of course we worrying about our children. It is natural, if we did not, we should not have any. However, some times, I as a mom wish the children could listen more and perhaps understand we only want the best for them and keep them out from unnecessary mistakes that only will damage for them. I guess, it has to do with mom need to have control.....???
@steney (1418)
• Philippines
15 May 08
Children no matter how old they get, will always be a part of their mother's worrying and caring heart.They are never too young or too old to be cared for and given advice. Since your daughter is now independent and living on her own, the most that you can do is to keep on giving her good advice and pray that she follows them. It is still up to her if she heeds them. She is at the age of exploring her independence and taking in new adventures. Making mistakes is a natural process, so don't worry if she makes them. We learn from experiencing mistakes, that later on mold us into strong and wiser individuals. Just be there for her always and pray that the Lord keeps her safe at all times.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
Thank you for responding, and for your kind words. Some times you worry to much and at the same time know you should not. But you only want what´s best for them. You want them to have the best. But young people today seems to think that every thing solve it self.....no matter what. As you pointed out, just keep praying to the lord will feel better.
15 May 08
Well, I talk as a 20 year old girl and as a mother too since I've got a baby girl that's 1 and half year... So, the fact is, you're a mother and it's just so good you worry about your girl, and it is not wrong at all, and plus, you should always remeber her you're worried and everything, but still, you know, what doesn't kill makes you stronger, isn't it? She needs to experience, she needs to learn and try on her own skin, no matter what you or whoelse says, cause this is how life is. And then, if she gets in really problematic mistakes then you will have to help her and stand by her side... You're a great mom...
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
Thank you for responding and Yes, they should make their own mistakes and have their own experience. However, I do not appreciates when those experience become my bills to pay. I have all the trust in the world in her, but it seems when it comes to money, she think Mom will pay and help her out. I can not, have not enough for doing so. Still, I do, I´ll give her food, but her own bills she has to pay by her self.
@spalladino (17926)
• United States
15 May 08
Of course, mothers always worry about their children no matter how old they are. Your daughter is testing her wings but, if she's getting into trouble, she needs to wise up somehow. If she's not listening to your advice see if you can have a friend or relative she likes and respects talk to her. Sometimes kids take advice better when it doesn't come from mom.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
I have talked with her father. We are separated since 6 years back. But we are the bests friend and talk about the kids every week. We are both agreeing on she will not have any money. I can help her with buying food to her. But the bills she has to pay by her self. I have also helped her getting a job at my workplace for this summer. I have trust in her, but when it come´s to money she just are out in the blue.
• United States
15 May 08
My opinion is you are a good mom and thats what good moms do, we worry, we pray, we try to tell our children what not to do and what would make life easier. My daughter just turned 21 and it has been hard but we also have to learn to trust that whatever they are doing now is because they have to learn on their own. We have to learn to let go, now that by no means means not worrying. That is just what we do and will always do. My children often ask me for advise, they dont always follow it,and at times they get in trouble because of that, but I just smile and give em a hug and say that was a tough lesson you just learned, and as long as they learned from that lesson it will be better next time. I remember my mom telling me she didnt worry about me so much, I would do things but she knew I would get my nose right up to the fire then back out and be ok, she said my brother was a different story, she knew he would get up to the fire and jump in head first and she would cry as he had to pick up the pieces all over again. We dont need to condone what they are doing, and do give your advise, but let them make their own mistakes and pray they learn from them. Good luck, this time will pass :)
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
18 May 08
As long as you are a mother you will always worries. And when you see the kids doing mistakes they should not have to do, you can not just sit back and watch. You just have to say something. However, I also know I should not. for two days ago she did a test for perhaps be diagnosed with ADHD. The same diagnosed disorder her brother got for five years ago ( he is 17). Now, you can think about all the mistakes she does are related to the diagnose of ADHD. I do hope she will get the help as an adult she do need to cope with the real hard life she has with this diagnose. Thank you for responding.
@Anne18 (11036)
15 May 08
My daughter is 19 and hasn't long moved out of the family house to a shared house twenty miles away. She moved so she could get a god job as there isn't that many good jobs in our town in what she wants to do. I think we shall always worry about them, are they eating properly, are they trusting the correct people etc, plus boyfriends!! you hear so many bad thnigs today. Only this morning on the local news they were talking about a man that got attacked at 2am on saturday morning not far from where she lives, she was actually walking back to her house with her bike as it had had its back wheel kicked in as the people couldn't take it as it was locked to the fence of the people she was visiting. She was actually home when it happened, but I was worried this morning. I texted her to let her know about it, she hadn't heard, but at least she knows to be careful. I'm going to ask you to be my friend
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
15 May 08
Thank you Anne for responding. Yes, You do think about the children all the time. Even though You do also know that they are capable of taking care of them self. However, my daughter moved only two blocks away from my home. She started school for adult to become a profession. However, it seems she have trouble to take to many courses at the same time, so she at the time can not finish her study since her teacher said she should take a year of. That caused her losing the study loan of course and she could not pay her bills. She calls me every day and say she have no food, she have no money..I do help her and by the food for her, but she need money....to have fun......now, she have got help from our community.....I will not help her with her bills, I can help her with food and I did today arranged a job to her for the summer. She will be there next week to talk to MY boss, as it is my workplace. I can see she do not eat properly, I hear she is out in the weekends....doing god knows. I have accepted You as a friend. Have a nice evening.
@Mamagee (392)
• Malaysia
16 Jun 08
Children are always thinking that they are big enough to do everything on their own. As a mother we always think that our children are still too young and needs us to guide them in doing everything on their own. Sometimes we should let them do what they think is good for them even though deep in our heart we don't want to see them having trouble. They need to realise that life is not always bright. They also have to realise that they cannot do things behind us. Because most of the times it end up with trouble. Then they will come and see us. As a mother, we will hurt if our children is hurt.
• United States
6 Jun 08
Sometimes people have to learn for themselves. people telling a kid that age what to do and what not to do is ganna mkae them wanna do it even more. its hard yes but somtimes you just have to stand back and let her make her own mistakes. you cant learn from them if youve never made them:)
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
6 Jun 08
well i think once a mother always a mother - i know my mom worries about me even though i am 46! (i have health issues) so i think you always worry, but i also think that many kids dont listen to their mothers until they BECOME a mother!
• United States
2 Jun 08
It is your job to worry about yuor daughter. Have you discussed this with yuor daughter? I am 20 now and when I was 18 I moved out and got pregnant the same year because my mother never gave me her advice. She never took the time to let me know she wanted me to get an education first or have a steady job. I have those things now, but I could have had it all sooner and I wouldn't have gone through so much heartache. Let your daughter know that you care about her and what she is doing. Maybe she will listen. You sound like a good mother. The best of luck to you.
• United States
27 May 08
Sounds like you are a normal mother. sometimes we just have to hope that they soon take our advise and know that we have their best interest at heart. I will be praying for you and your daughter. God Bless!!!
@rhettaa (214)
• United States
16 May 08
I think the hardest thing in the world is to let your kids make their own mistakes and learn their lessons the hard way, but you have to. After all, that's how we all learn and grow, is by making mistakes. I've made a lot of mistakes, but they made me who I am. So unless your daughter asks for your advice, I'd say try to have faith that everything will work out and let her know you love her, and let her learn for herself.
@tessah (6622)
• United States
16 May 08
i think that sometimes.. the lessons hardest learned are the ones we are less likely to forget. as hard as it is to sit back on yer hands and watch as yer daughter makes decisions you wouldnt make for yerself.. the best thing you can do, is keep yer thoughts to yerself unless she actually seeks out advice from you. as you said she is 20.. an adult, and she lives on her own. its her life, her decisions to make. youll still worry, thats what good parents do.. but if you try to push her into one direction or the other too much because you feel it is best.. the only thing you will accomplish is putting distance between you until she eventually doesnt speak to you at all anymore. respect her for the grown-up that she is.. respect her life as being HER life, and not yer own.. and worry.. silently.