My friend is really upset with me and I expected her to understand

@neelygal (1022)
Bahamas
June 7, 2008 2:33pm CST
My friend christened her baby last weekend on another island.I am his godmother but I couldnt attend due to financial difficulties.I thought she would understand and she even said she did but ever since she hasnt been the same with me and our relationship is strained.I could have attended the christening but if I had I wouldnt have had the money to buy groceries for the kids and pay the electricity bill.Everything is so expensive now and I would have had to stay in a hotel,plus air fare to get there.She should understand where she knows I just started a new job,and hadnt been working for a year.What do you think?Do you think I am wrong for not attending?How can we patch things up?
4 people like this
14 responses
@makingpots (11928)
• United States
7 Jun 08
I'm sorry to hear that you had to miss a ceremony that obviously means a lot to you. I hope you are not assuming anything about what your friend is feeling. The only answer to this situation is to talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel then ask her how she feels. If she is not understanding of your situaion, then you have another set of problems to deal with, but don't cause strain where there isn't any. The only person who can say how she feels or felt is her.
1 person likes this
@cjgrooms (4457)
• United States
7 Jun 08
No, i don't think that you did anything wrong. You couldn't let your kids go hungry so you could attend a party! Maybe if you try to explain it to her again she will understand or maybe you will realize that it isn't her that is making your relationship strained but you because you feel guilty about being unable to attend. Either way it would be good to get it out in the open so it can be dealt with. A friendship is a precious relationship and this isn't worth putting it in jeopardy over!
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
8 Jun 08
I agree with you cj, it's very possible her own feelings of guilt (which she hasn't done anything to feel guilty about)could be makeing her extra sensitive about the situation. And the quicker the whole thing is brought out in the open the better.
1 person likes this
@cjgrooms (4457)
• United States
8 Jun 08
Thank you, I know from personal experiance that guilt can make you see things that are just not there!
@lisado (1230)
• United States
8 Jun 08
I would hope that as a friend she would understand. I could see her being disappointed, but with gas and everything else so expensive, sometimes a trip has to be put aside because you need to pay bills and buy food. We're wrestling with that now. We want to go home to visit family (800 miles each way) but gas is just way to expensive right now and we can't swing the money. Give her time. If she doesn't get over it then I don't know what to tell you. If she is truely your friend then she will get over her huff and you'll move past this. If she can't understand your reasons, since they were financial and not just because you had other things to do (wash your hair or whatever), then maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were. I am sure she'll get past it. You were honest, told her the truth and now the ball is in her court. She shouldn't hold this against you, no matter how disappointed she was that you couldn't make it. It wasn't your fault. Life happens.
@rrdj71 (696)
• United States
8 Jun 08
I think true friends understand friends in need. I believe that her behavior is a bit selfish. Although I understand her feelings were hurt she should get over it and try to understand your situation and the position you are in right now. Maybe you can have her over for coffee and sit down with her and just have a heart to heart. It can help but if she's still upset, well, I hate to say it but she is not being a real friend. I remember when I was going through some tough times as a single mother of two and a lot of times there were events I could not attend but my friend, instead of getting mad at me, would arrive unexpectedly at my door with bags of groceries. NOW THAT IS A REAL FRIEND!! Don't ask what someone can do for you but find out once in a while what you can do for them as well. The golden rule!!
@roanne05 (1292)
• Oman
8 Jun 08
oh well, i understand you do have a good reason. i also do not agree with your friends attitude towards you..but just let her be for a while..for sure she will come to her senses!
@athinapie (1152)
• Philippines
8 Jun 08
First of all, I admire you for admitting your situation in having financial difficulties. I agree with you, times are indeed very hard nowadays with all the inflation of prices. And it was not wrong that you missed out on your godchild's christening. It wasn't your intention to miss the whole event and you wanted to go but there are certain things that have hindered you to do so. Give your friend some time and I'm sure you'll be friends again soon. I'm sure she'll understand if she is really your friend.
@lingli_78 (12852)
• Australia
8 Jun 08
well, i am so sorry to hear that you missed your godchild christening because of financial difficulties... i can understand that perfectly well... everything is so expensive nowadays and it is so hard to make ends meet nowadays... your friend should be able to understand that... i hope you will be able to patch things up with her... good luck, take care and have a nice day...
@Cocoa33 (921)
• United States
8 Jun 08
i dont think u are wrong. u have to do what u think is right. the important thing at the time is putting food on the table and making sure the bills are paid. if u had neglected those responsiblities it would have put you in jeopardy. your friend should have considered your situation when choosing to have the christianing on another island. you have to do what is best for you. i think if you didn't just start the new job, and money wasn't a problem for u. u could have gone. since she knew your situation, and make other plans. she should have video taped the ceremony, so u could feel like u were there even though u weren't. i dont see why u have to patch things up when she knew your situation. she should be apologizing to u for being inconsiderate. if i had been here. i would have taken in account somebody else situation if i wanted them to be apart of it. have a good day
8 Jun 08
I don't think it's fair if she is angry. Although the christening if important to her and even to you by the sounds of things, if you atteneded you'd have made life difficult for you and your children. Both of you are parents and she'll see that being a parent means doing right by your kids. Have you talked to her about this? If not, you should and see where you stand in the matter and if you have try and resolve things. You're part of her child's life now and if anything goes wrong, you'll be in charge. Once again this comes around to doing right by the children. Good luck with everything.
@Hatley (152575)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jun 08
I think that you were right because your own family has to always come first, right? Try to get her to talk to you and tell her just what you have told us mylotters, she might not have really understood so make it clear to her that you would have loved to have gone if you hadbeen able to afford it but you just did not have the money for it. I think she will understand.
@bfarrier1 (2083)
• United States
7 Jun 08
Maybe you just think the relationship is strained because you were the one that didn't get to attend,surely your friend understands that you was in a difficult situation or you would have been there.Maybe you just need to talk with her and clear the air.I don't think you were wrong in your chose groceries and eletric or pretty important.Good luck and have a nice evening.
@emandi (102)
• Philippines
7 Jun 08
neelygal, Your friend, given that the two of you have families now, probably does understand, but I bet she couldn't help but feel sore for your absence too. I think you should get these things out in the open with her and talk about it. Giver her time if you feel it necessary but don't let the "strain" get worse; it's not worth jeopardizing your friendship over/ Good luck!
• United States
7 Jun 08
Seems your friend doesn't understand that some folks can be strapped with finance problems and she/he is one of the lucky ones not haing that problem. If a true friend and she knows your lifestyle/situation...they will come back around understanding; if not, than they are not a true friend.
@smtrego (181)
• United States
7 Jun 08
First of all, is the relationship really strained or do you just think it is? Sometimes we may feel there is tension in a situation when there really isn't. You need to let her know that you feel there is a strain on the relationship. Ask her if she is upset with you. As a friend she should tell you the truth. If she says she is, reiterate that you really wanted to be there, but financially it was not possible. She may understand that haven't been working for a year but does she truly understand what you mean when you say you couldn't afford it? Does she realize it was either food or traveling? Also, are there other things that you may have spent money on recently and told her about that were not necessities? I ask because if that is the case, she may feel that you should have saved that money for the travel. Just be open and honest but don't be defensive. Remember her feelings are probably a little disappointed because you were not there, even if she knows why. If you let the tension build, whether it is really there or not, the strain will just get worse. Get things out in the open. Let her know how you feel, but also be prepared to listen to how she feels.