How do you tell her you don't love her anymore?

@shamsta19 (3225)
United States
June 12, 2008 1:21pm CST
This is kind of a continuation of an old discussion I posted. We broke up,had a rocky relationship. I was pretty unhappy but I did love this girl. We spent a year together and broke up on bad terms. 3 months pass and now she won't leave me alone. She tells me she was stupid and regrets breaking up and now wants to get a place together. She had her own apartment and gave it up with the plans of getting one with me before she even asked me. I have been spending time with her recently and I am just not feeling the same about her as I used to. I fear we may have already gone too far, but we are still not living together ands I keep telling her I'm not sure if I want to get back together with her. Her mind is made up and she got our whole lives planned out in her head. I've been happier these past three months on my own and I think I'd be making a mistake if I get with her. She does love me, I can tell because she has been trying everything in the book to get me back. I still see the old her coming out and even though she keeps saying things will be different, I don't think they will. Then again nobody's getting any younger and it is very nice having her around again. I just don't think we are compatible. She even says she thinks she loves me more than I love her. I want to tell her I don't want to be with her but I don't want hard feelings are arguments about it. Any advice on how to make things easy? Should I get back with her?
8 people like this
27 responses
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
There is no way that things are going to be easy. No matter what way you choose to tell her, somebody's going to get hurt... I guess the only way is to tell her gently, with every ounce of respect that she deserves. It's hard trying to figure that one out, how to be gentle when what you're about to say could break someone's heart. You'll figure out the answer by yourself I think, since you know her and what she is as a person. If you don't think that it's going to work out and if you're happier without her, then there's no point in going back to what you had in the past. I think the sooner you tell her, the better, you would be prolonging any pain or making things worse if it stays as complicated as now. It becomes more complicated if you both force the issue into your lives. You won't only be hurting her but also yourself, if worse comes to worst. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you and for her.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
The more responses I read the heavier my heart is getting. Got this pain in the pit of my stomach that won't quit. I love this woman, I know I do. This is very hard for me to deal with. I want to call her and talk and every time I try to talk we fight. She was being real nice to me for about two weeks then the other day she just flipped out on me like the old her I was used to. I knew it wouldn't be long!!! She was crying and I think she feels bad about all this. But I hope she realizes that that's why we aren't together right now, that attitude of hers. All the things she says to me!!!
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
14 Jun 08
I see... You know, there is room for change, but it takes time... If you do really love her, and if you're willing to make sacrifices, then you have to be more patient. But think about it, sometimes love isn't enough. It's not the only factor that makes a relationship successful. It's sad that things aren't going well between the two of you right now. I am sorry if I ever said anything that offended you, brought you down or hurt you. All I can do now is pray for both of you. God bless.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
14 Jun 08
Haven't offended me in the least. I appreciate your honest responses. Even now I am contemplating getting back with her but as you said sometimes even love isn't enough. There has to be respect, trust, honesty, and most of all respect (yeah I said it twice). She lacks that respect and while I don't doubt she loves me, I know I can't be happy with her as much as I want to. It hurts a lot to even consider breaking up for good, but I also know the pain I went through being with her. I cannot go through that for the rest of my life or another year for that matter. I am going to miss her sssssssssssssssooooooooooooooo bad too.
1 person likes this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
13 Jun 08
Unfortunelty- as much as she is not going to want it- you have to let her go shamsta. It isn't fair to her that you keep her around when you really rather be elsewhere. I've been in a similar situation (on her part) and can honestly say that I spent way too much time getting over it afterwards because he wasn't man enough (in my opinion) to just let me go when he knew de didn't feel the same anymore. He let me go on thinking it was me and him again- when it wasn't and I ended up feeling resentful and used afterwards- which created anomosity and hate towards him and it took me a VERY long time to get over that. Don't do that to her or yourself ;) Just some advice from someone who's been there- and gone....lol.
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Thank you. The last thing I need is for this one to feel resentment towards me. I'll probably get run over or something.
1 person likes this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
13 Jun 08
Yeah- believe me- I was sooo hurt- things did get a little physical (which is NEVER the right way to handle things, but I was hurt) and he has a scar on his head to remind him of it everyday. It got really ugly and I just wanted to save you some grief that you don't need- nor want in your life.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Wow scarred him? I don't want it to get like that with her and we've gotten physical in the past. I just want us to be friends.
• United States
13 Jun 08
You answered your own question..."You think you'd be making a mistake to get back with her" If that's how you feel you aren't doing anyone a favor by keeping quiet and just going along to get along. I'd tell her to her face as softly and as firmly as I could muster that I will not be moving in with you and we are going to have to just see where we go from here. Don't try to find an easy way out, you're wasting your time. Try to find the strength to do the hard thing if you think it's the right thing.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Thank you for that
• United States
13 Jun 08
Hope it helps.
1 person likes this
@sturner03 (326)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I recently told my boyfriend that I llove him but I am falling out of love with him. When we first got together he made me feel beautiful like there was no one else in the world that could compare to me and now I feel like I'm just here out of convience because thats what he knows and thats what he's use to. I know he loves me, and like your said were not compatabile either anymore. I think once we had kids I grew up and we grew apart. But were still together and we still love each other it's just a long road getting back to what you had.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
You still falling out of love with him? I feel this way too. I really did love this girl too. More than anyone I think I've been with. She just didn't show me the respect I deserved and needed from her. I don't feel she catered to my needs at all, and I damn she catered to her every whim. I got tired of doing all that work for her and not being appreciated for it.
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I really wish we could be together and be happy
@34momma (13895)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I don't even understand why you are asking this question my brother. If you are happier now then you have been in a year that you were together why would you want to get back together with her. Every relationship is not meant to last forever, I don't care how old you are. some relationships prepare you for the next one, by teaching you valuable lessons. like how you want to be treated, what you will put up with, things like that. don't ever settle for less then you think you are worth, because you will always only get less then
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
12 Jun 08
This is true and I don't really know why I am asking this question. It may be because I still love her and don't want to hurt her feelings. I know what I want and I could have had it with her but that got messed up. Now I don't know if I can trust her like that anymore. I am almost willing to try but I do believe you are right.
1 person likes this
@34momma (13895)
• United States
12 Jun 08
being that this is your life, being selfish and thinking about what is best for you, is just what you should be doing. i don't know what she did to you, but everyone has to learn their life lessons in their own way. as you learn yours, she too will learn hers
@Libertywu (138)
• China
1 Sep 10
If i was a boy, i will not tell my true heart to her directly. Because i'm sure i must hurt her whom i love best before. Maybe i will find some excuse to let her know we are not suitable.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
12 Jan 11
Its not always that easy. its so funny reading responses to this discussion so long after I had posted it but this is why i love this site. At this stage I am well over that girl. I miss her a little bit but I have more than moved on, as well as she has at this point. I do wish it would've been that easy back then to tell her I no longer wanted to be with her. In retrospect, I believe part of me never wanted her out of my life, at least at the time. i guess you live and learn. I learned a lot about hurt in that relationship though and in the end I am stronger and better off for it. Thanks for responding.
@sk66rc (4261)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I do feel you completely... I was in a similiar situation with the mother of my daughter... Difference here is, I did get back with her & that was the biggest mistake of my life... As simple as it may sound, it takes 2 to make a relationship... If one is not happy, there always will be some sort of conflict... That's no way to live... Don't get me wrong, every relationship has it's ups & downs, who doesn't... But thing is, you said it yourself, you were unhappy, you already have tried it with her by getting place together... It's not going to change, especially if you see that she's gonna be resorting back to way she was, then you'd be putting yourself right back into unhappy situation... Longer it drags out, more hurt this situation is going to inflict on both, you & her... You love her, she loves you... I get that... That's more of a reason why you guys should go your seperate ways... You don't wanna see someone you love unhappy, no more than she does if she really loves you...
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I wish it were that simple but you're right. She probably doesn't feel that way though. I really am hurt about all this and I didn't want it to end it like this.
• United States
13 Jun 08
tell her to go away and you don't love anymore. tell to go have fun a cow.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Wow your mean! That one probably won't fly with her either. I'm not trying to just crush her feelings. I don't even want to hurt her.
@angelface23 (2498)
• United States
13 Jun 08
trust me you need to end it once and for all with her because at this point you are leading her on. Not intentionally but you are. She has all these 'plans' for the two of you. She is stuck in her dream world and she needs a wake up call sooner than later. Tell her that you care about her but you are unsure of what you want to do. Tell her you need some time alone to decide because you don't want to rush into anything with her. If that doesn't work then I would get a PFA. j/k I would definately distance myself from her.
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I've been trying to tell her I need time. She hasn't let me breath in the past two weeks. I think she saw the whole time that I wasn't feeling her and she doesn't want me to lose those feelings I once had for her. PFA?
@snowy22315 (51186)
• United States
13 Jun 08
NO, NO, NO. Do not get back with her if you are uncertain of your feelings it wouldn't be fair to either of you. I would tell her I enjoy her company, but you are not ready to make a commitment and think you both should see other people. She's probably going to get very upset, but tell her if it was meant to be it will be and not to worry about it. If you move in with her and then want out it's only going to be worse than it is now. I would also let her know you've been happier without her than with her.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Wow thats harsh. I probably shouldn't tell her like that because she'd probably go ballistic. I think the fight we had last night will be enough. Telling her like that will probably get me ran over by her civic, and we don't need that!!!
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
13 Jun 08
If you don't love the girl or are unsure exactly what your feelings are, no, you should not get back with her. You should not live with her. Doing so would only be a convenience for you, and that's not fair to either one of you. Love finds us at any age, so getting up there (whatever that means) is no excuse for putting up with a situation that is less than ideal. The easiest thing to do is to break ties completely. It will hurt her initially, but will be best in the long run. She deserves having someone who is totally in love with her. And you deserve to be totally in love with someone.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
My problem is I feel so bad for her. She has issues that she needs to control and I'd really like to help her. I miss her until she with me then I get pissed off at so many things she does. The thing is she doesn't even realize she's made me angry and thus doesn't change. If I complain then we fight. So most of the relationship, I shut up. But then I was miserable.
@mjsintos (17)
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
relationship is a two way traffic if you dont feel and like to meet her halfway you better tell her earlier/sooner otherwise its a waste of time for you and for her. you already tried giving it a second chance and there times when you need to give up and start a new one. there is no easy way on breaking up honesty of what you feel right now is what you can use while explaining to her
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I feel you and your right it ain't easy at all.
• India
13 Jun 08
well buddy, as u don't love her, you can express you in two ways ,one is u can go and say to her formally that i don't love u. the other method is saying it through informally, whenever u see her she might smile or she may come near to u to talk, if u are smiling back at her she wont go further, if she speaks at u say your answers in a single word, if she invites u to something tell u have job elsewhere,never keep a smiling face to her or never reciprocate any things she does. as women take it as a green signal. i hope u should have understood what i am trying to say
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I have been doing that, and she is picking up on it. I think she just chooses to ignore and I think she is really going to be hurt by all this. I see she really wants me back but she just can't control her anger and jealous emotions. I always felt as if I was going to get in trouble because of her mouth. She's chased all my friends and family away while we were together and she is just generally miserable. I know I love her cause this is almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
@ayrin03 (318)
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
hi shamsta19! It's really hard to tell because you will hurt a feeling of somebody.. But if you rreally concerned about things and the person involve you have to tell it. Just think about this, if you kept it for a long time that you tdon't love her. You will hurt you r feelings and her. Don't make it really long to hide. You have to tell it as soon as possible.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I know and I think the time is now.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
13 Jun 08
i guess there is no other way to say her. tell her clearly taht you need time to think whether you are ready to love her again like before. see how she raects. also make her understabnd that its not always her wish to do so.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I think I get what you mean here. She is rushing me back into this relationship for fear that she is or has lost me. I need more time and she is hurrying me and I am not feeling the same about her anymore. Maybe I could but she isn't giving me the time or consideration.
@nupats (3564)
• India
13 Jun 08
you can always tell her tht u have made some plans for ur life in those three months and u cannot think of a relationship at this point...u can b honest tht u liked being alone these three months and are getting on with ur life very well..as of now maybe u can just b normal friends wherein both of u have ur own respective place and freedom..if u think u r not compatible then no point going over it again..take care
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I have told her I've made plans. And I told her I was moving outta state. She kept telling me don't do it and then out the blue, she wants to get back with me.
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
i felt sorry about the two of you.i think she already knew about how you really feel about her right now. girls are not that insensitive,you know. She's in the stage of denial. She denies every thing about your current situation since she know it will hurt her so much because she loves you so much. Nothing is more painful than making her believe something that is not.So talk to her.Be honest about what you feel and be ready for the consequences. It may hurt her so much but I know time will heal everything.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I believe she does know. She says she thinks she loves me more than I love her. I think she is right. I also think it was her that made me think like this in the first place. She doesn't realize how much pain she put me through and is being very selfish right now with all these plans to be with me. She hasn't even considered my feelings and maybe she is in denial. She so stuck on herself she thinks I feel the same and I don't anymore. I really didn't want any hurt feelings between us and this is just as hard for me.
12 Jun 08
In my opinion, it's time to let go. If you don't feel the same and things aren't going to be different don't spend your life chasing old feelings that might be gone forever. I guess the only way to do it is to try and salvage the friendship if you can. The best ways I can think of to do this are to just do it gently and let her know that it's not easy for you, people tend to think "Why are they doing this to me?" when the other person hurts too. Hope I've been of at least some help, good luck.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I am hoping we can still be friends but I doubt that we are going to be friends after this. We had a big fight the other night and I don't think we are going to recover from this one. She still wants to be with me but her attitude has not changed at all. I think she misses me taking care of her and her not having to return the favor. I can't put myself through all that just to make her happy. I am looking to be happy and I do not think she can give me that. I am very hurt by this too..
@mikeysmom (2092)
• United States
12 Jun 08
i think it would be better to have hard feelings or an argument as you say then to live a lie. you still have a chance to make things right and get out of this but if you move in with her you are going to get stuck in a situation that you really do not want to be in. if you do not love her and do not see a future with her you have to be honest with her and tell her so. that is the only fair thing to do for both of you.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I fear you are right. I do care about her because I do not want to hurt her feelings. Breaking up is hard to do. I know I am going to be hurt over this one because I loved her so much it is just time to move on..
• Canada
12 Jun 08
I think you should sit her down and tell her, "I want to spend time with you, I want to sleep with you and I want to have fun with you; however, I do not want to live with you, I do not want to be in a relationship with you and I am going to be with somebody else if and when I find someone I like." You're being honest and she is able to make the choice without you leading her on anymore like you're doing now.
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3225)
• United States
13 Jun 08
Wow thats not that easy to say. I'll probably have to fight her off for that one.