How do you show each of your kids you love them the same?

@kittenmc (465)
United States
June 18, 2008 11:07am CST
Maybe not in the same way, but let them know you don't love the other more than the other. Sometimes as I mother I have a hard time showing this to my kids. I can't treat them the same because they are so different and they are all in that stage of trying to find their self, if you know what I mean. (This year they will be 15, 14, 11) My youngest 2 are more demanding than my oldest, but they think he is my favorite. He sometimes feels left out. That's my bad, because the other 2 are so demanding I don't always take the time I should with him. In the last few months my oldest has been staying with my mom helping me with her. (He is so dependable, I call him my Old Faithful!) I didn't realize how much stress I was putting on him till the last few weeks. He started lashing out, which is not him. He is so mild mannered. He is gone to church camp this week, which is a good thing. This post has not turned out really the way I 1st had it in my brain, but since it is going in this direction, I will leave it there, because maybe this is what really needed to come out. I need to find a balance between the 3. I also need to find a balance about my son staying with my mom so much. He likes staying, but maybe he is staying too much. How do you find balance between your kids? Thank you Bunches!!!
3 people like this
12 responses
@juhi06 (1850)
• India
18 Jun 08
hi kittenmc. each child is a different kind of personality. they are not cakes baked in the same bakery.and each requires different kind of attention , care and upbringing. some children need pampering others are faithful, some are more intelligent than others, so they need different upbringing.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
18 Jun 08
Thank you so much! I think it's the teen years making me some what nervous and I want so much that all know I love each and everyone the same, but different to their needs.
@kerriannc (4282)
• Jamaica
18 Jun 08
I do not have any children but I grow up with this problem. I have notice that my father loves my elder sister more than me. When I was smaller I used to make it affect me but since becoming a adult I over look it. I would advise you to have a family meeting and explain to the children that you love each and everyone. Let them now that each of them are different and because of this you will have to pay more attention to one than the other. Even if you love one more than the other do not display it. What my mother use to do is whenever she is going to buy something for one she put down the money until she is able to buy for everyone of us. So that no one is left out. When it comes to graduation or birthday everyone play apart in it. No matter how small. So that we know that this is a special occasion for that brother or sisters. Parenting is not born with. What we learn is from day to day activities. All the best.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I grew up my whole life trying to get my dad's approval and I swore when I had kids I would not do them that way. My mom never had favorites either. She loved us all in our level. That's how try and do mine. My mom did and I do, will not buy for one if I can't buy for all. When they were younger it was easy. I could buy all the same, but now they have their own taste. It's really not that bad. I just feel that I sometimes leave my oldest out because he is not a demanding child. Thanks for the advice on a family meeting. We need to do that! Thank you for your response!!
1 person likes this
@ebsharer (5518)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I technaclly only have one child - I have 2 step kids too. Although I try really hard to love them the same its not the same. They are of some one else. Plus my daughter is only 18 months and they are 11 and 7. So my daughter is much more demanding of me and my time. When my step kids are around I try really hard to do special things for them so they know I love them. I try not to show favortisim between them either. The 7 year old is a lot easier then the 11 year old. I recently re-did there rooms to show them that I think of them too. I think its all about the little things you do for your kids. Find some thing that you can do with each of them seperate from the others. Spend time on there hobbies with them. Or take one grocery shopping with you. Have each one help you with dinner 1 day a week. Take 1 hour a week and set it for your "date" time. Monday Wednesday and Thursday spend 1 hour with each of them every week. On Fridays do a family thing a game or dinner out. That way they have some alone time to look forward to. They know that every Monday (or what ever day) I get an hour with mom. The big key is to not go over that hour with one and not the other. Which means you have to plan things that will only take an hour. If you don't have time to do it every week do it every other week or once a month. Get a "kids" calander and set your dates in PEN. Show them that you want to spend time with each of them. That will give you some balance with each of your kids. And remember to take the parent hat off when your in there "hour" it should be friend time then!
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@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
18 Jun 08
My older two are step also, but it doesn't feel that way to me. They have always lived with us so I am mom, the one who has been here. This is the home they will come to if they need something, if they have been hurt, devastated, or to share their joys and new experiences. I firmly believe this. =)
1 person likes this
@jaredlp (418)
• United States
18 Jun 08
eb... i think maybe that one of the biggest differences is that your steps only visit... where as hers live with them. I think it would be a lot different if they stayed with you. as for your oldest son i recommend extra privalages or some special event like taking him to local sport teams home game. when other complain that it isnt fair explain its a reward for all his work and effort he put into helping your mom. might serve as a good example for the others and help guide them all through the diffucult teenage years, just that lil bit.
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@kittenmc (465)
• United States
18 Jun 08
Thanks ebsharer! I think a kid calendar would be a really get idea! It would help the kids see for their self. I already try and do these things, but if I had a calendar, then it would help them see for their self. Thank you Bunches!
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@knightrider (1083)
• India
19 Jun 08
how much ever you try the children will defenitely feel they are sidelined among siblings and whne they are young maybe 5-8 they voice theri protests but as they grow older they keep it to themselves, its just how you make them feel that you are not pampoering one person by ignosring the other, they will take it in the right way
1 person likes this
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Thank you bunches!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jun 08
I have two children a girl 9 years old and a boy 6 years old. I love both of them the same but I show it to them in different ways. My daughter is a cheerleader and has been for 4 years now so I do spend alot of my time with her at cheer practice and competitons. My son plays baseball and I go to all his pratices and games. Sometimes if I have been really busy with cheer I will set aside a day for just me and my son to do something together. He really enjoys this. I make sure that I balance my time I spend with each of them and make it equal. Sometimes it seems that I spend more time with my daughter bc cheer is extremly demanding, but my son understands and he knows that we have our own special time together.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
18 Jun 08
Thank you bunches for sharing! Balance is the key for sure!
@ShealM (388)
• Canada
19 Jun 08
I have 5 kids, each of them knows we love them just as much as the other ones. We spend individual time with them doing things that they like to do, tell them daily that we love them and do things together as a family. It's the little things that show how much we love them, the little kiss on the forehead at night, the "mommy" or "daddy" band aids when they scrape their knees (kiss to make it better). The hanging out together just because, sitting and doing things like puzzles or getting down on the floor and building lego cities or coloring with them. Playing in the backyard. All of this is a show of love, it shows them they are loved, cared for and that mom and dad want to take the time to cuddle, play and be with them. Just a dinner conversation shows a child you love them - "how was your day?" or "How are you today?". For me, the little things done end up equaling to quality larger things. Did I make sense?
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Yes, it makes very good since! Thank you so very much!
@ShealM (388)
• Canada
20 Jun 08
You are quite welcome. I'm glad I wasn't rambling and made some sense to someone *lol*
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Here's my theory... No matter how hard you try, you will not get your kids to admit that you love them and treat them all equally! Sorry for the bad news. lol The fact is, as you said, they are all different. They all have different needs. Different personalities. Some are more needy, some are more independent. No matter how much you try, there will always be differences in each relationship. That's just how humans work. And kids? Well, they like to manipulate. No matter how "good" they are. They want to get what they want, and if it means making mom feel guilty, the so be it! I think deep down inside the will know (if not now, then someday) that you love them all and that you do the best you can for each of them.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Thank you so very much for the encouragement!!!
@masterdw (90)
• China
19 Jun 08
What you said is very common in the daily life,and What your kids feel is also my feel before.I think you should pay more attention to each of your children,try to find their own taste and interest ,and then use different ways to show your love to every individual according his hobit.If you satisfy them,I think,none of them will have the idea of less love from you.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Thank you so very much!
@lieanat (1140)
• Malaysia
19 Jun 08
I'm not a mother yet. But I definitely think parents shouldn't favor on particular kid especially in front of other children. It will make those kids jealous and unhappy with it. I'm one of the kids when I saw my parents favor my other siblings. To avoid it, try to meet each of your kids' needs in a special ways. Such as celebrating their birthdays and give them special gift that they'll not have to share.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Thanks for your response!
@achiek_5 (41)
• Malaysia
19 Jun 08
hmm how can i say...i just hv 1 child so i don't know how i'm gonna act soon. to show my children that i love them all the same. I'll read through all the comments and they will be my guide soon.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
If I'm correct, I would think congratulations is in order. I think you will do fine. Thank you bunches!
@Hatley (164759)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Jun 08
spend time alone one on one with each of your kids and each one will feel pretty darned special. it always works and is so easy to do. my mom always did that with me and my younger sister, and I did it with my own two also but my two were only ten months apart so both were equally special to me. I lost my little girl'when she was eight.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Sorry to hear that you lost your little girl. Just bless your heart! I just don't know how I could survive if I lost one of mine. I have always tried spending that special time, til lately, my mom has been very sick over the past 2 years. We almost lost her for the 2nd time in February and she hasn't bounce back this time. So, with this added strain, is why I'm having just a hard time fitting everything in. Thank you bunches for your response!
• United States
19 Jun 08
i dont know i guess its one of those things where even though they are from the same mother they are all different. each one requires different care and each one does different things to get into trouble. i think the only thing you can do is just know that you love them all even though at time they may think you love them differently. and just make sure you treat them all the same and dont do things for one that you dont want to do for the others without any specific reason. i have to ask myself that question alot with my four year old and two month old and my mom doesnt help much becuase she is always questioning why my four year old is always in trouble, is it because i dont love him as much and i am like why dont you ask Dillon why he is so bad, becuase he wouldnt be in trouble if he werent so bad. just because one is always in trouble doesnt mean you love them any differently. So just keep your head up and it'll all come together in the end.
@kittenmc (465)
• United States
19 Jun 08
I do agree, just beause a child stays in trouble more than another one doesn't mean you love one more than the other. I can say the Bible says if you love your child you will correct them. I also know that dealing with kids over the years, besides my own, that some kids will respect someone a lot better that will correct them. Good luck sweetie! Thank you for your response!
1 person likes this