Missing my best friend

@dogsnme (1269)
United States
July 26, 2008 10:24pm CST
I'll explain this as best I can. My best friend is a girl I've known for about 17 or 18 years. I'm grateful that her husband is understanding and trusts her and doesn't mind that she and I hang out quiet often, or at least we did until about 2 months ago. She had a lot of personal and family related issues just seem to pile on her all at once. We hung out together pretty regularly for about the last 2 years, and even joined a fitness center together a little over a year ago. She has sort of filled a void in my life that was created when my mom died about 24 years ago. My mom was my best friend. I was closer to her than anyone else in my family. For the last couple of years my best friend has pretty much been the only person I've had to hang out with since the rest of my family and I just don't have that sort of relationship. When my friend's personal and family issues came up recently, we weren't able to hang out as much. It was hard for me to deal with the sudden changes in our social life. I'm not and never have been good at getting out and meeting new people so while she was dealing with these issues I suddenly found myself alone. Although, we still got together occasionally. Anyway, in my struggle to handle the sudden changes, I wasn't as good a friend as I should have been. I got selfish. I would send her text messages or leave her voice mails telling her that I didn't think she wanted to hang out with me anymore or be my friend anymore, all because I guess I didn't quiet understand the magnitude of the issues she was dealing with. She got defensive and kinda started pulling away, not understanding what was wrong with me and thinking she had done something wrong. She has continuously assured me that she isn't going anywhere and that she still is and still wants to be friends. I have since come to a better understanding of why I behaved the way I did. I know she wants things to go back to the way they were between us, and I believe her. But, still when I'm at home alone I sometimes find my mind running riot and I can't seem to shake the paranoia that the damage I've done is irreversible and that I'll end up losing her friendship forever. I'm sorry it took me so long to explain my situation, but does anyone have any advice for me as to how I can rest assuered that our friendship is secure and that hopefully soon things will be back to normal?
3 people like this
8 responses
• Philippines
28 Jul 08
i really missed my bestfriend since high school we've been friends for almost 14 years already and i really miss the good times when were still together but i do understand that he cant be there for me at all times he has his own life to live and i do have mine too. But still the friendship that we built for almost a decade is one of the assurance that come what may we'll always the best of friends.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
30 Jul 08
your explanation seems perfectly logical and honest. i think you may be paranoid because you know you were wrong. you need to cut YOURSELF some slack. you learned much about friendship from what happened. i'm sure it will never happen again. i do not think she is the type to pretend to be your friend, just to turn the tables on you. tell her honestly you were "...a dumb ________ and that you can never apologize or make up for it." further, that you would prefer to just wipe that bad period from your friendship.
1 person likes this
@dogsnme (1269)
• United States
30 Jul 08
Thanks very much for your comment. It's just hard when you've gotten accustomed to being around someone so often for a period of time and suddenly things come up that takes all that away or seems to threaten to take it all the way. She has a closer relationship with her parents and siblings than I do with mine plus she has a husband and a son so quiet often she's busy or on the go. There is definitely never a dull moment in her life, unfortunately mine is full of dull moments. She has kept me occupied and given me something to look forward to on a regular basis for the last couple of years or so. My life hadn't been dull. But suddenly all that has had to change. And it's hard to deal with. Thanks again for your response.
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
1 Aug 08
like i said, i think you need to cut yourself some slack. it's you that may be withdrawn, because you were mean. if she doesn't withdrawal from you, then you'd be doing yourself a big favor by inviting your friend back into your life. it's obvious to me, that she has no hard feelings. she sounds like a grand person...quite the grown up, too.
1 person likes this
@weasel81 (2502)
• Australia
27 Jul 08
sorry to hear, sometimes family can get in the way and if there's things she needs to sort out. as long as she still talks to you, that will be great. hey i've not spoken to my best mate in i don't know how long! we've known each other since birth there's only a few days between us but a world of difference. i'm a country girl and shes in the city, i spoke to her early this yr i think and said when you getting engaged? and she said her partner prposed mid last yr and she didn't tell me, so it's a so what. i'm used to not having any close friends, and am a loner, expect i have horses. things will pick up. keep your chin up. take care
1 person likes this
@dogsnme (1269)
• United States
27 Jul 08
Thanks for your support. I'll be your close friend on here if you want. It's up to you. I'll send a request.
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8245)
• United States
27 Jul 08
Why not tell her exactly what you said here? explain to her exactly how you were feeling and that you made a mistake. I'm sure once she sees how you've come to rely on her she will forgive you. I don't think the damage is irreversible or else she wouldn't still be talking to you. I would just tell her everything you've said here and try very hard not to ever do that again. everyone makes mistakes, i'm sure she'll give you another chance.
1 person likes this
@dogsnme (1269)
• United States
27 Jul 08
I have told her and she's told me that she's not going anywhere and that everything's ok. I'm just having a hard time finding my peace of mind and keeping it. I guess I just can't stop beating myself up over it. Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
27 Jul 08
In friendship there's no such thing as damaged that cannot be repaired. As long that the hole in the relationship is still small everything can be repaired. You just have to apologize to her about the things you said to her that may hurt her feelings.I wish you good luck in winning back your friend.
@dogsnme (1269)
• United States
27 Jul 08
I have apologized many times and told her that it's all my fault and that she's done nothing wrong. I believe she's sincere when she says everyhting is ok and that I'll just have to be patient and tough it out until things get back to normal. I just have great difficulty sometimes finding and keeping any peace of mind about the situation. Thanks very much for your response.
1 person likes this
@Lore2009 (7389)
• United States
9 Feb 09
I've had a lot of best friends before, but now I don't really believe in them... it's not that I've become hateful about the whole idea of it, but it's more of an independence that I've gained from before. Being lonely is painful, but once you accept it, it's not as scary anymore. Friends should be there when we need them, but not all the time to cover up the sorrow. Best wishes to you.
@Helios (85)
• United States
1 Sep 08
If it is possible, I think it would be a huge help if you guys talked about her recent issues and problems. That would probably strengthen the friendship, help her resolve whatever it is if its possible, make her feel better, or amend for something if you feel you have something to amend for. I think this might help things get back to normal, if not make things even better than before someday. Maybe becoming better friends with the husband might help a lot. It would set the foundations for stronger friendship and it might even lead you to meet more people in the long run. Not to mention you would become a greater family friend, making things even better. I hope you understand what I mean. I hope this advice is pertinent to your situation. I understand there are many things I don't understand about your situation but I hope my advice helps. Nice discussing with you again.
@clrumfelt (5427)
• United States
18 Aug 08
You have depended on your friend for many years for emotional support, and now she is in a crisis and needs your emotional support and understanding. Maybe it would be best if you let her know you're around if she needs you, and stay at arm's length for awhile. In the meantime, try to find some activities to fill your void so you won't feel so alone. You could volunteer your time to a worthy charity or find some other activity that helps you be around people and make new friends. Good luck.