My daughter is dating a black guy and I don't mind
By cyntrow
@cyntrow (8523)
United States
July 30, 2008 7:47pm CST
No, I don't want a pat on the back. That is not what this is about. Race has never been an issue to me. It's the way I was raised. Curtis and his family have lived next door to us since I first moved in here. In fact, I knew his parents before he was born. His mother and I were pregnant at the same time. They were a blessing to me when I was pregnant and alone, with 2 older boys. They would often keep the boys so that I could attend my prenatal classes.
So Curtis and my daughther have grown up together and they have been friends since birth. They are both thirteen now. Their "dates" consist of his parents dropping them off at the movies or the pizza hut and us picking them up. During the day, they go outside and play their gameboys, or whatever handheld gameset they have. Curtis is a great kid and my only priority for any guy who dates my kids is that they be treated right.
So, Curtis' grandmother has recently come to live with them. SHe is having a hard time taking care of herself and her daughter and son in law are taking her in. My daughter came home from Curtis' house crying. The Grandmother told her that she didn't want a white girl dating her grandson. She said, to paraphrase, that there are too few "colored" girls for "colored" boys and she was taking away from the race. Charlene, Curtis' mother came to talk to me about it, but I wasn't offended. The grandmother is an old lady who has seen a lot of racial problems. She just wants to protect her grandson. I want to protect my daughter too, but I won't stop her from feeling what she feels.
We are still neighbors and still friends and I suspect that the grandmother will get used to it; if it even lasts, they are only 13.
But what do you think? How should I have reacted? Has this happened to anyone else and how did you explain it to your kids?
11 people like this
29 responses
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I am black, and it makes me sick when black people makes comments like Curtis' grandmother made. If Curtis is 13, then the grandmother can not be that old that she has not adjusted to the way things are today in 2008. This is why there is so much tension between the races because of silly remarks made by people who should know better. Let your daughter know that all black people do not think like the grandmother and that she should be able to date anyone she pleases.
My husband was married to a white lady, and her mother told him she would pay him if he did not marry her daughter. You are correct, if your daughter wants to continue seeing Curtis she should, there is nothing wrong with it.
God bless you and your family, and God may forgive the grandmother, because we were all put on this earth to love one another.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
31 Jul 08
It sounds like you responded so well! I wouldn't have been offended either but I'm not old and race really doesn't matter to me. My parents are both racist when it comes to the dating thing, they hate expressed it when my brother and myself have dated outside of our race. If I remember correctly I think I seen a post you made to a discussion about your son, getting married, you sound like a great parent and your children are so lucky to have you.
2 people like this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
Thanks so much. I do try to be a good parent and I've done a lot of it alone. My folks never differenciated between the races, except to tell us how black people were oppressed and harmed. I'm fairly certain that's where my viewpoints come from.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
31 Jul 08
It's great that you don't let it bother you and it's great that your daughter has someone she cares about. Although his grandmother's comments were hurtful and normally most ppl wouldn't dream of saying that (most were raised by the old rule of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all") there are ppl out there that feel that way. It's one of the things that ppl have to realize when they decide to date in another race, some ppl will accept it and some won't. It shouldn't be a deciding factor in what you do but you should realize it's there.
My half sister has 2 daughters that are mixed and the town they live in is about 90% white so it really sticks out. My Stepmom gets all bent out of shape if anyone mentions that the girls are mixed or some have thought they were adopted. I figure she knew when she got pregnant that the kids would be mixed so she should have thought that some would be ok with it and some wouldn't.
I'm not saying what his grandmother said was right just that when she's older if they continue to date and/or have kids they'll need to know how some ppl might react.
I remember not too long ago a popular sports player (who was black) married a cheerleader for the team (she was white) and on their wedding day there were some ppl that boo'd and threw things at them b/c they didn't like that a mixed couple were getting married. There are some very narrow minded ppl in this world.
As for me personally, I've dated a black guy at one time and although I wouldn't have had kids with him (even if I could have kids) simply b/c I don't think it's fair to put a kid in the position of having to deal with all the negativity that sometimes comes with being mixed.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I never dated a black guy. Simply because, for me, the attraction was never there. I do feel that in trying to raise my kids to be color blind, I failed in letting them know the bigotry that still exists in the world. They all know the history, but this is the first time any of mine have ever seen it first hand.
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think that all of my kids can "handle it." My failure is in not letting them know that they might have to "handle it." Hope you get my drift. My folks were great at letting us be who we are. We had every right to love who we love, but they wanted us to know all of the problem associated. My parents used to have some members of the Black Panther party over for dinner. They were sooo respectful and nice. I never thought there could be any problems. My folks told me that there were problems. In that time, blacks were very much oppressed and, my parents, although they agreed with the ideology of the Party, did not agree with the methods. They were so upfront.
When my kids came of age, I naively thought that we were beyond that. Sure, there would be some kids who would be nasty, but kids are goofy sometimes. I've taught all of my kids to respect their elders. When a woman so elder said what she said, my daughter was crushed. She likes curtis. They have been friends forever, so why not try to date.
I do think that I've failed in not letting them see the bad side. I just didn't wnt to scare them away from following their hearts.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I spent several years living in both Detroit and Dallas so there were always different races around me. We were always raised that color didn't matter it's how you treat each other. At the same time, there is alot of bigotry out there and ppl won't hesitate to become violent over it.
I just think it's important for ppl to be aware of all the sides of dating and/or having kids across races. It's not always an easy thing to do and you have to look deep inside yourself to be sure you can handle it.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@lovelydame3000 (1577)
• India
31 Jul 08
I would'nt mind too if i were you. I dislike anyone talking of caste, creed or religion. We all are same in front of the almighty. If the kids have real feelings towards each other then they should go ahead with it. It's their life.
@neelygal (1022)
• Bahamas
31 Jul 08
i did read the entire discussion but i also read you title which made it seem like you were suppose to have a problem with it.she is your daughter so if you approve who is anyone else to say anything.the grandmother is from back in the day she will get over it.these days its the in thing to do to have a interracial relationship so your daughter nor you should even care what other think.
1 person likes this
@_sketch_ (5742)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think that it was messed up what she said. If someone treated her or some other black person differently because of their race, she would have been angry and yet she is against inter-racial relationships?!! It is racist either way. She is an ignorant old lady. Times have changed being old is no excuse to be ignorant and rude. I wouldnt have taken it so lightly if I were you. How could you not be offended by something like that?! Her actions and bigoted thinking is in no way protecting her grandson and I dont understand what you feel you need to protect your daughter from. Worrying about, and making a big deal out of, things like this is what creates the problems. Stop treating them differently, their relationship is just the same as the relationships of people of the same race. If she says anything else maybe you should tell her about the civil war; I guess she missed that one.
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
The grandmother is somewhere in her 80's. When she was a girl, if a black boy even looked at a white girl he would probably have been killed. As people age, they get set in their ways and I'm sure it was fear, rather than hate that made her react. Times have changed, but some people have not changed. She is an old lady deserving of respect. She'll get used to it, in time.
@Cajunhellcat (2073)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I'm white and myfriend is black but we have a lot of trouble here even after 20 years together
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
31 Jul 08
It is not up to you to do anything but it is up to Curtis and his mom to explain to grandma that he likes your daughter and that race has nothing to do it. They grew up together and if she doesn't change her attitude she will lose the closeness she has with her grandson.All you can do is try to explain to your daughter and make sure she can still see her boyfriend.True they are 13 and this could be just a first crush or it could be a lifetime but it isn't up to grandma or any of the adults to tell them how they should feel.I hope everything is works out.
1 person likes this
@Cocoa33 (921)
• United States
31 Jul 08
i think u should be cool about it. u are not responsible for what others feel about race. they are still people who set in their ways when it comes this issue. the only one u can change is yourself. u should explain to her there are people who have different views when it to race. the important thing is that it doesn't matter about people interacting of different races, the thing that counts the most is the respect.
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think his grandmother will get over it in time. It's partly my fault because I've never mentioned race to my kids at all. They just know that some people are dark skinned, some are light skinned and there are various pigments in between. Of course they know the history of the atrocities committed against black people. But, I should have warned them that some people still feel hate and fear of people who look different. She may have understoood a bit better.
@coffeebreak (17798)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I'm not against race and all that, but here's something I have not heard anyone mention or discuss....if the whites marry blacks and latinos marry whites or any one race marries a different race from their own, what is to become of races? End of this century, there will be no races....there will be only one. No whites, no blacks, no mexican, no asian... just all the same due to interacial marriages.
With all the structure of being proud of our heritage and where we came from and "who we are" and things like "the latino vote" in politics... once the races are merged, who will be what? What vote do you go for? On surveys and things, what do you check... caucasian, spanish, african american, asian..... If your mother is latino and your father is asian - what are you? Latino/asian. But then you go marry a caucasian and your children are latino/asian/caucasian. And the list goes on and by the end of the century...what are we all?
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
31 Jul 08
What am I? I'm half jew half anglo. When my father converted from Judiaism to Christianity, his father was disappointed. When he decided to marry a gentile, his father stopped speaking to him. Reason, he corrupted the purity of the race by marrying a non jew.
Here's the thing, though. you are going to a bit of an extreme. Simply because many people, I'll venture to say most people, find attraction within their own race. People are not going to just start dating outside of their race if attraction is not there. So, the whole world is not going to become multi racial, but if it does, so what? No more racism. No more hate. No more....
@coffeebreak (17798)
• United States
31 Jul 08
But my point was that after several "merges" the specific cultures and races are going be pushed farther and farther into the distance until they don't really matter. Where would we be today if not for the variety of specific races? They all have their own culture, reasons, contributions and things like that. If someone is "multi-cultured" for now, it can still work, but if you have 6 different "cultures" in your blood line, how many people are going to incorporate all 6 into their lives or their beings? And what about those that clash? some cultures allow one thing while others dont' allow that same thing and a person is both those cultures in their blood line, so which do they accomodate when they can't accomodate both? They choose one and the other is by the way side....over and over again until that culture can be all but non-existant. It'd be a shame to loose such wonderful cultures that we have been blessed with -whether you agree with them all or not, that is not the point. THe point is that is what made this country, this world, and its just a shame to know that there's a chance that we will loose all that.
1 person likes this
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
31 Jul 08
You will always have YOUR heritage. Nothing erases where we come from. People of mixed race have a little more complicated heritage, but it is THEIR heritage. So what if we are all mixed??? It doesn't change anything. We are who we are, and our ancestors are who they are. If I have babies who are half African, both races are part of my babies' heritage. They should be equally proud of both cultures. The same thing if a woman of mixed race marries a man of completely different mixed race. Their babies are then equally proud of the four, or six, or eight cultures, and so on. I don't understand why it matters, at all if we mix, and mix, and mix. We should love who we love, and not let race be any determining factor.
@Ldyjarhead (10233)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think you handled it perfectly! Some people might have been more upset at Grandma, but you nailed it when you said that what she experienced during her lifetime was much different, and made allowances for that.
We need more people like you around. Bravo ...
1 person likes this
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I feel so sad for your 13 year-old daughter. Now she will be self-conscious every time she is around the grandmother. I would have reacted the same way you did. There is no sense being offended, because it won't change anything. I think you should just try to explain to your daughter sometimes people feel the way her boyfriend's grandmother does, and that she can't really worry about them. You have already taught her that people are not defined by their race, and that we are all valuable beings. Now she just needs to realize that she can hold her head high in whatever relationship she chooses to be in, and she can ignore those who don't approve of relationships between people of mixed race. You are right, she is very young, and this will likely not be her last relationship, but she should never have to worry about "sticking to her own kind." That is an archaic notion. I would also caution my daughter to be kind and respectful to the grandmother, always. Who knows, she may win her over eventually.
1 person likes this
@lorelie78n (145)
• Philippines
31 Jul 08
Race is not really an issue in our family. But religion would be more of an issue. Since we are devote Catholic, my parents especially my mother would like as to be with someone who shares the same views as we have. But as far as dating, base on my experience, they still did not object when I have dates with men of different religion. But for me personally, I would also go for the same religion. Im stubborn as a horse so I'm very sure I would not convert.
1 person likes this
@braver1987 (239)
• Italy
31 Jul 08
grand mothers are usually like this..their mentality has been formed in a period where racial problems were everywhere..old people are usually not opened minded..anyway the kids are still young..they will have time to break up by them self..
1 person likes this
@mynameismine (771)
• United States
31 Jul 08
You handled it a million times better than my father did. He had me up against the wall of the living room by my throat. I gained a whole 3 feet that day in height too!
There are a lot of challenges for people who want to cross that line. I have been with my husband now for 19+ years and we still deal with idiots because I'm white and he is black, from both races and families.
I could care less what color my child chooses to be with just as long as they treat each other right.
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
1 Aug 08
I think you reacted exactly the right way, Cyn, and I also feel sorry for your daughter but I guess I can understand why the grandmother feels as she does. Not that I agree with her but just as you said she probably has seen a lot of bad things in her lifetime so it's probably extra hard for her to accept. However, do you know what I think is the wonderful part of this? Kids like your daughter and my grandkids, who are now 11 and 13 are growing up in a whole different world where they really don't see things like race or color. It doesn't apply to all kids of this generation, of course, because they aren't all being raised the way ours are but I think it is this way for many of them. I'm so proud of Todd and Angela; there's no racism, no sexism, no homophobia in those kids, just acceptance and compassion for all. Hopefully someday everyone will get used to that!
Annie
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think that you realize that older people tend to speak without thinking of how they are affecting others by their words. I hope that your daughter doesn't take this to heart. If she does, you need to tell her that some elderly are set in their ways and she shouldn't let this affect their relationship.
I do have to say that 13 is young to be dating. When my son was 14, he started dating my best friends daughter. It was the same situation, they grew up together. I kept telling them that they were too young to be dating, they should just be friends and hang out and not let the dating thing get in the middle of their friendship. Well, they ended up breaking up and now they aren't even friends at the age of 19:( I feel so bad about this because this girl is like part of my family. I wish that they wouldn't have 'dated' and ruined their friendship...so beware.
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
1 Aug 08
Well, like I said, their "dating" is very chaste. Her asked her to "go with him" over the last school year and she said yes. They go to the mall and to the movies. His parents drop them off and we pick them up or vice versa. IT's really very innocent and sweet.
She's OK about the grandmother. I explained about the generational differences and how things were in her time. I really wish I had addressed the situation sooner. Frankly, I was a bit naive, I think.
@shell1986 (405)
• United States
1 Aug 08
I think you handled the situation pretty well. When I was in high school my parents flipped out when they found out I was dating a black guy. However, its alright for me to be friends with him just not date. The two of us broke up but have been friends ever since. I wish that more people would come to understand that its not the color of the skin that matters, its what is in the heart. I wish my parents had been as understanding as you! Your daughter is very lucky to have you!
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
31 Jul 08
I think you handled this situation well. I don't see why they can't date. It is not you or me or the grandmother in the relationship, it is a relationship between those two kids. If they are attracted to one another and they share common interests, etc. then they should go out. I know it is tough in this world to do it but you shouldn't let racism stand in the way of your feelings for one another.
I am a White woman and am married to a Hispanic man and have been for many years. Some people don't think that we are a mixed race couple and some people do. I really don't care what others think. I am happy and my husband is too. I think we should do what makes us happy in this world. Not try to please others.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
31 Jul 08
hi cyntrow you are a very level headed person and your
daugher is taking after you. but its a shame that the grandmother picked on your daughter that way. I can understand that'
the grandmother came from a different generation but
for one thing your girl is only 13 and who knows what she and curtis will think by the time they are of marriageable age.
Grandma really should have kept her mouth shut and minded
her own business.I think you reacted just fine. this hasnever happened to me.
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
1 Aug 08
See, I bear the grandmother no ill will. Frankly, I do believe that she is just trying to protect her grandson. She just needs to understand that my daughter is not a threat, just because she is white. And, in all honesty, I KNOW that my maternal grandmother would have much harsher things to say about the relationship. She's a total racist from the same generation, also not necessarily her fault. But hers is hate. I don't think Curtis' grandmother hates white people. I think its fear.
