First The Bad News... Update On The Boyfriend and My Granddaughter
By Darkwing
@Darkwing (21583)
August 4, 2008 11:45am CST
As you can see from the heading, the news was not good on Friday. The boyfriend appeared in the Magistrate's Court on Thursday last, charged with ABH. He was in court for little more that five minutes, as the case was adjourned until October the first, some two months because of some legal argument which was going on, presumably between lawyers. He was released on bail until the October hearing, with the same restrictions on him to stay away from the house, my Son, Daughter-in-Law and their youngest daughter. But, for some strange reason, was still allowed to contact my eldest Granddaugher.
The facts are that she has lost all her friends, bar one... the one she went to stay with on the night of the incident. They're all either afraid of the boyfriend or they detest him, and won't have any more to do with her whilst she's with him. Also, having lost my Grandson when my Granddaugher was only just under five years old, and in order to pull her through the ordeal of his death, my Son and his wife set about giving her extra care and attention. She grew up a fine, polite and caring girl. She was given everything they could afford, such as horse riding sessions, birthday parties with themes treating all her friends to the cinema or wherever, two beautiful Prom outfits, one for the morning and one for the evening, plus a terrific hairstyle and a stretch limo paid for between all her friends' and her parents, and on her sixteenth birthday, she and her "then" best friend were taken to London for a makeover and photo shoot... something which not a lot of kids her age, get. She had done really well at school and her parents decided to treat her to something special.
Now this! I don't know what it is, but this boy has some sort of hold over her. He takes drugs, but I'm certain she's not into them. However, the guy has no other friends... obviously, and because he's found Sarah had an interest in him, he's putting a great emotional strain on her. He doesn't like her going out with family or friends because he's possessive and jealous and thinks she should spend all her time with him. So... he prevented her from going on the family break today. She stayed at his house on Friday night, and refused to go on holiday. So, her parents told her she was not having a key to the house as she wasn't responsible enough, and they arranged to take Lauren's friend with them, because Lauren was quite upset. What more can her parents do... the "Human Rights" law says she can leave home without her parents' permission at sixteen, yet... and wait for this... the parents are responsible still for her well-being and education!!! How can that be? Anyway, she came home yesterday evening for an hour, ate dinner, then packed some stuff and went off again. Very few words were exchanged between she and any of us, but she did hug us goodbye.
My plan is, whilst her parents are away, and I've passed this with Di... to text her and tell her how utterly disappointed I am with the way she's treating her parents after all they've done for her, and about the fact that she's going to crawl into his sad little world with him, and eventually become beaten and bruised, because that's what will happen. She's already lost her friends and pushed her family away... she's headed for a rough time ahead. However, her Mum says that she has to learn her own way now. They've tried all they can to tell her how much they love her and fear for her, but she's drawn to his emotional deviousness. I would add here that it's not a permanent arrangement that she lives away from the family home, but I'm afraid she wouldn't get meals from me all the time she was sleeping elsewhere. If she wants to be adult and make her own decisions, then she should support herself also. Perhaps I'm being too harsh... I do love her, but somebody has to shock her back into the sensible world before it's too late.
Have legal wrangles ever cropped up like this in your lives? How did you get around them, if at all? How do you feel about all this?
5 people like this
11 responses
@littleowl (7157)
•
4 Aug 08
Hi Darkwing I feel so sorry for your son...justice never seems to be done and he must be feeling awful at the moment as for grand-daughter I really wish there is something someone could do to help her but as the saying goes 'love is blind' if that is how she feels for her boyfriend and it will take a lot to pull her away from him...its such a sorry state of affairs my prayers are with you and your family...if put in the same position I wouldn't know what I'd do...injunctions are so easy to break and if your grand daughter still sees him then the law can do nothing about it...Blessed Be littleowl
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
5 Aug 08
I have no idea what the "legal argument" is. Perhaps because my Granddaughter wouldn't give a statement... perhaps because she sees him of her own free will, or perhaps even because he's only fifteen. Having seen my Son's injuries, even though they're not quite so evident now, the boy should have been sent to a young offenders' detention centre, but this is not his first wrongdoing by a long chalk, and I wonder why he's still walking the streets. No... it isn't right.
I don't think she's even in love with him. I think she's being stubborn and trying to prove to her parents that she's old enough to make all her own decisions without their advice. Well, she has a lesson to learn, and love her as I might, I think she has to go learn it.
Thank you for your prayers and for your contribution my friend, and Brightest Blessings. x
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
5 Aug 08
Hi Dear
Really Sad Story
u know after becoming parent, i came to know its not that easy as it seems, the emotions and attachment u have with kids leaves u NOWHERE.
u cant see them in Trouble even they are not treating u Good
All i canm say WRONG DECESION, WRONG LAW And Effecting Life of Others
Wish u all the best as i dont think other Than GOD some one is going to Help that Girl and ur Family
Take care
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
5 Aug 08
Yes, it's very difficult being a parent, especially at times such as these and illnesses. The disappointment can be earth-shattering for a parent. My Son is hurt, inside rather than out. The scars will heal on the outside but added to the scars of losing his only Son, I can see by looking at him, how difficult he's finding this to cope with.
Thank you for your contribution my friend, and Brightest Blessings.
@Darkwing (21583)
•
4 Aug 08
Thank you my dear friend. It's not a permanent arrangement, but still, I wouldn't let her come home and eat meals whilst she was staying out. She does earn a little money delivering the free local paper, which incidentally, her Dad helps her out with! So, I would let her manage on that, and if the boyfriend's family don't make sure she's eaten and she can't afford it herself, she'll soon be back!
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution, my friend. xxx
@addysmum (1225)
• Canada
4 Aug 08
My goodness sweaty, this is so sad. I feel so sad for you all right now. I will keep you all in my thoughts. I cannot believe that she can move out and her parents still have to support her. If I was them I would be doing only what I have to and hope that she sees just how hard things could be and how unprepared for life she really is. This must be so hard for everyone. In Canada kids can become independent from there parents if they can prove that they would be better off without their parents but the parents then don't have to support the child. I believe that the child gets government support for a while like welfare.
1 person likes this
@Trace86 (5030)
• United States
4 Aug 08
The boyfriend hit your son? And of course, he couldn't hit back because the boyfriend is not an adult. There is something wrong when a person of any age can't legally defend themselves from physical attack.
I hope your granddaughter sees him for what he really is before she or someone she loves gets really hurt.
Tell her that if she wants to live with him, he should pay for her food and stuff!
@Darkwing (21583)
•
4 Aug 08
Yes, that's the kind of attitude my Daughter-in-Law has adopted now, and my Son isn't quite as talkative and jocular with her as usual. She has to learn that you don't bit the hand that feeds you for the hand that strikes you down. It all started when she came in crying because he'd hit her on the arm, and all because she wanted to go to my nephew's wedding. My Son looked at her arm, which was bruised and immediately picked up the phone and phoned the lad, to tell him he wasn't to hit his daughter just because she chose to go somewhere other than with him. With that, the guy said, "Right, I'm coming round to get Diane!" (My Daughter-in-Law). Di went outside to stop him, and he barged past her and laid into my Son. Now, wouldn't you think that my Granddaughter would see that something's wrong here? Her Dad got a beating for trying to protect her because she came into the house crying, and that was his reward! Kids... honestly, sometimes I despair of them, but the family bond holds us together, whatever.
Thank you for your PM by the way. That was very sweet of you, and I have responded. Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution. x
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
4 Aug 08
I think if she wants to act like an adult, then she should have to support herself too. I agree with you.
Heck, that's the way I feel about the roomie's idiot brother - he's 44 and has for the last 9 years spent most time with his folks than not. I tell their mom that if he has to sleep under a bridge or in his truck for a while, maybe he'll learn some responsiblity - but NOOOOOO.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
5 Aug 08
Your roomie's brother ought to have progressed a bit further by now, my friend. At 44, he should have made a life for himself and cut some ties, but my Granddaughter is too young to know what she is doing. Even so... we both agree with her Mum's sentiments. The parents have done and said all they possibly can... now, it's up to her. She has to find out for herself where she's going wrong.
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5191)
• United States
4 Aug 08
There have been some legal wrangles in my life but actually on my husband's end of it. I personally haven't had to do much battle with the courts. It sounds like you really got yourself entangled in a real problem.
My thoughts are with you and I know you are trying to be patient. Sometimes people have to learn from their mistakes although we try to cut in and help them.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
4 Aug 08
Yes, they do have to learn from their own mistakes, my friend, I agree. That's the attitude my Daughter-in-Law has finally adopted, but I can't help feeling a bit protective towards my Granddaughter, even though I'd like to shake some sense into her. She's being cussed at the moment, trying to prove a point, so we will just have to be patient, as you say.
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5191)
• United States
4 Aug 08
You are very welcome for my input and have a wonderful day.
1 person likes this
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
5 Aug 08
I have had no legal battles such as this but I believe in what you are doing. Tough love is sometimes the only way to teach someone that what they are doing is wrong. She will open her eyes someday and see it too. Let's just hope it isn't too late and she hasn't cut all of her ties to the ones that really care about her.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
5 Aug 08
Thank you my friend. I just thought that if he can win her over by putting emotional strain on her, then so can I. I have been with her through the whole of her life, and she'd better listen to me when I tell her how disappointed I am in her that she turned her back on, and went against her parents' wishes... even caused my Son to get hurt in that way.
I hope too that she doesn't get hurt along the way but once you're in this sort of situation, it's very difficult to crawl out on your own, especially at her age. All I can do is pray!
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution, my friend.
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
5 Aug 08
I think you have the right ideas on what to say to her and what to do. I am sad that she has decided to choice this loser over her friends and family. Hopefully she will learn her way is wrong as her mom wants her to do. She has to learn by her on mistakes/
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
6 Aug 08
Join the family club then, my friend. We are all very sad at what is happening to her. I think more sad than angry. She's a lovely girl but he's changed her so much, and it's not good to see. She always wanted to join the police force, and they told her that if she continues to associate with him, being a criminal with a long record, she will not be accepted. I can't believe that she's willing to give up the career she's wanted so long for this loser, but then, he's controlling her. She seems not to have a will of her own just now.
Brightest Blessings, and thank you for your contribution, my friend.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
4 Aug 08
Might work for her to get a job and pay her own way for awhile to see that its not easy to come by the money she is used to have spent on her . What ya think?
I am hoping this all works out and will probably take some time to do.
Oct is along way off but quite soon also . guilt trip might work . I guess only time will tell . hugs and energies going to you to get thru all this.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
4 Aug 08
Firstly, thank you for the hugs and energies my friend, and secondly, yes, I agree she should support herself whilst away from home. She does a paper round which is not terribly rewarding, but she's also been for a couple of interviews in shops in town. I don't really know how she's got on with them, but if she wants to be an adult, she has to cope on her own.
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribiution, my dear friend. xxx
@ellie333 (21016)
•
5 Aug 08
Hi Darkwing, no you are not being too harsh, too love is the way to go with this one. At this age they are miniture adults but still children and you has no means of supporting herself so to not be fed and to be left to fend for herself will be a hard but good lesson for her. I really hope she comes to her sense over this lad sooner rather than later for everyones sake. Thoughts are with you on this one. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
6 Aug 08
Thank you Ellie, my dear friend, for your support. I can't wait for October to come because I'm hoping he'll be put away in a detention centre for at least six months... even three would give her a bit of time to find her freedom. That's what it is... she's not realising that she's like a caged animal at the moment.
I told her Mum how I felt about feeding her. She needs to know just how hard it is fending for herself, and learn her lesson well. All the words in the world from us will not make her see, but experience will.
Brightest Blessings and thank you for your undying support, my friend. xxx
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
4 Aug 08
Hi DarkWing,
I am truely sorry to hear about your granddaughter behaving like that, love is blind I'm afraid and she thinks he needs her but he is only usesing her and turning her against her own family and thats mean he is controling he as well. I just don't understand a good girls always go for bad boys I wonder if its for excitement of because the conform to what is right and what is wrong but I rally hope she see sense and come back home. The trouble with girls eh?
Bright Blessings
Tamara
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
5 Aug 08
I'm afraid everybody knows he's using her, except herself, my friend. You're quite right, and he is controlling her emotions because he hasn't any other friends. He's bad news, but for some reason, she's showing him some affection, so he's become possessive and mean.
I don't know the reason either, my friend, but I do hope she learns a lesson from all this without too much hurt. Brightest Blessings and thank you for your contribution. x
