Bring out the worst in each other

@SViswan (12072)
India
September 18, 2008 10:10am CST
I have two friends who are really wonderful people and they met each other at a party of mine. They fell in love and were married. It's been 8 years now...and they are at each other's throats every single day. When I meet each of them without the other, they are still the wonderful people that I knew them as....and each of them admit that the really bad side of them comes out when they are together. I really can't understand it. They have the same goals (of course, a few difference of opinions which every couple have), are genuinely nice people (except to each other), want to work as a team to build the relationship (but can't). I really can't see how they can bring out the beast in the other person when they are such wonderful people alone. Are you in such a relationship or know someone like that?
10 people like this
23 responses
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Not really . I know it takes alot of work from both to make it. maybe they should set down and really talk of what it is that makes them mad at each other ! good luck to them!
3 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
18 Sep 08
Maybe that's what they need to do. Because both of them talk to me...and I'm not going to go and talk to the other...don't want to poke my nose in their business...and anyways, I think both of them just need someone to hear them out.
3 people like this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
18 Sep 08
you are right in not sticking nose in lol let them do it all hugs
2 people like this
• United States
18 Sep 08
Have they ever thought of going to marriage counseling? I'm not in a relationship like that nor do I know any couples who are like that. When it comes to my marriage, most people don't like my husband to start with as he is a very demanding person. For some reason, I fell in love with him though. I married him against my mom's advice. She told me that he is a lot like my dad...and she's right. We argue almost on a daily basis, mainly because I'm tired of being ordered around and treated like a child. Anyhow....I hope your friends can work it out. Do they have children?
@SViswan (12072)
• India
18 Sep 08
Yes, they do have two kids. I find it really hard to understand because they really are very nice people...and it's just that they can't stand each other....well not really...because they still like the qualities of the other they fell in love with. But they are almost on the verge of divorce at the moment. In your case, your husband is a demanding person and I can understand how you wouldn't like being ordered about even if you love him. I hope your husband realizes how it affects you and changes his attitude towards you.
3 people like this
• India
18 Sep 08
That's not uncommon. I have seen many relationships like that. They just stay together for the sake of it. I don't understand why they can't just walk out. I doubt there's still some chemistry between them which others fail to see. I guess the best thing is to end the relationship asap.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
18 Sep 08
These two are on the verge of divorce....but they really are nice people and in their hearts they do know (or think) that they are the right ones for each other.
3 people like this
• India
19 Sep 08
Now it's a bit confusing. If they love each other so much and know they are perfect for each other then why they can't sort out their problems? Are they both out of their minds? They also have two kids as you say it. For their sake, they couldn't shake away their own vanities and egos to rebuild the lost relationship? Are they mature?
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
That's just the part I don't understand. It probably is ego. I'm not sure about the love part though. They probably just THINK they are still in love. Alone, they are mature people and I'm really surprised to hear what happens behind closed doors..because that just doesn't sound like either one of them. I don't know every single detail of what happens in their home and can't really know what triggers of an argument in either one of them especially since nothing else seems to affect them. As I know them, they behave in a mature and adult like manner.
2 people like this
@James72 (26832)
• Australia
19 Sep 08
Sometimes people become this way because they end up passing a point of no return as far as they are concerned and stubborness kicks in. They actually tend to forget what the arguments are even about and become all consumed in their anger and frustration rather than act and think clearly. Negativity can become like a cancer and will eat away at you as this situation proves. Until such time as one person surrenders in order to actually win this situation will unfortunately never end.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
Oh no...I wouldn't want it to end that way. I wouldn't want them to separate (atleast for the sake of the kids) but if there really is no solution and they continue this way, I guess separation is the best option. Atleast the kids will get to see the good part of both parents....instead of the constant bickering.
3 people like this
@James72 (26832)
• Australia
19 Sep 08
Yes it would definitely be a shame if it came to a conclusion like this but the sad truth is that it will NEVER change unless at least one of them makes a conscientious decision to back down. It must be horrible for the kids to see this all the time. The sad part there too is that they will grow up thinking that this is how relationships should be. You may have heard this saying - Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than in one. I hope your friends can swallow their respective prides and move forward positively together. If not, then I hope they can at least be amicable moving forward seperately for the sake of their kids.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15065)
• United States
18 Sep 08
Some people just seem to need the constant stimulation of an argument. Personally I don't understand it, but we see many relationships that work this way. Do they express individually that they are happy together, whatever that might mean to them, or do they say they regreet having married? I prefer not to be in the company of people who constantly bicker, but some people consider that a way of life. Perhaps a worse problem would be if one half of the couple were agressively argumentative while the other half sat there taking it in silence. At least they seem balanced in this regard, but one would think they would have the civility to act a bit more appropriately as guests in someone else's home.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
Oh no...they do not argue in front of other people. What I know of the situation is because both of them have talked to me about the situation. They are mature adults around other people. And that is exactly why I was surprised (to put it mildly) to hear about what happens inside their home. Neither one has said (yet) that they regret having married....but I'm sure that will be coming. They are not people who like to argue (from what I have seen of them individually) and usually try to avoid arguments with other people. I guess they are too much alike and get on each others' nerves (just a guess)
2 people like this
@drannhh (15065)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Oh, that is a different matter altogether. Yes, it would seem, then, that the end could be in sight. How sad.
• United States
18 Sep 08
Yes, that can happen. When my boyfriend and I are apart, we are completely different people. When we are together, we a shy and we both tend to act like idiots at times. I tend to be the biggest idiot in the relationship. The reason that they might bring out the worst in one another is because they might be too alike or too different.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I'm thinking it's more because they are too much alike.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 08
I am not in a relationship at the time, and I don't know anyone like this. I am guessing they are too much alike to be together. Having things in common are good when you are in a relationship, but having too many similarities can cause people to bump heads. I don't know what you should tell them. I wouldn't tell them not to be together, but it does seem like being together for them is toxic.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I'm not going to tell them anything. It's for them to choose what they need to do. But I was just wondering how such wonderful people could turn into beasts...when they are with each other. On the contrary, I would have thought they would make the ideal couple. But I now think that you might be right. They do have too many similarities and maybe that is what is the problem.
1 person likes this
@CJay77 (4441)
• Australia
18 Sep 08
Hi SViswan, I don't think I know someone in a same situation! My husband and I are always comunicating to each other except when his watching TV or movie I think you know what I meant here, lol. We always try to fix or talk about our problem before we go to sleep. I hope that your friend will find a way to resolve their problem.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
18 Sep 08
They do a lot of talking....it just ends up in major arguments. They seem to get defensive when the other opens their mouth. I can't really judge the situation because all I know is what both of them tell me...and I wasn't there to see what the little gestures or signs were that got on the other's nerves. Maybe the way they are communicating isn't right (though they are able to communicate very well how they feel and think...with other people). Or maybe they are choosing the wrong time to communicate (like when he is watching something on T.V.:P)
3 people like this
@iyah10 (4116)
• Kuwait
18 Sep 08
Have some people like that way but at least they stay for 8 long years friend because if I were be in there position I guess I run away already after knowing that we could not stay together and it is really questionable on how to people have to fight of something....especially when the other person is dominating.
2 people like this
@pkraj111 (2459)
• India
18 Sep 08
Perhaps they both like to argue very much like me. I know many other couples who always seem to be quarelling, but in the end fight together if some one says so.
2 people like this
@aseretdd (13709)
• Philippines
19 Sep 08
Honestly speaking... yes... i am in the same situation... my husband and i bring out the worst in our personalities... and i think i know why... since we can only be out true selves when we are together... like the things we cannot say to others and act infront of others... we do those when we are together... So most of the time... we fight... But now that he is working abroad... it is like the distance is doing our relationship a lot of good... Maybe that is what your friends should do... it is not that they do not love each other anymore... but just that they are too comfortable with each other... and we all know that too much of something is bad...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
hmmm....sounds like that is probably what is happening to my friends. But like some others pointed out, it could also be that because they are too similar. Your post does make some sense to me....and it does a clear a bit of the confusion in my head. They truly are really wonderful people to the rest of us who know them. Now another thought....do you think that if they were with someone else, it would be the same situation or it might be different depending on who they were with?
2 people like this
@aseretdd (13709)
• Philippines
22 Sep 08
I don't really know how to answer that because... my husband and i never had a past relationship... he was my first and only bf... and the same is true with him... i was his first and only gf... so even if we bring out the worst in each other... and we constantly broke up before getting married... we never thought of replacing each other...
@lemayan (188)
• Germany
20 Sep 08
you are a good friend of them which is nice and they seem to be good people as far as you know, only when with each other then they become beastly, strange but considering that they have lived with each other for 8years they probably know each other more than you do know them(dont take it wrongly), once people marry and move in together that is when they know each other properly and learn each other the guard is let down and the two are comfortable with the others company,then they get to see the other's true self, but probably for your friends its a matter off communicating.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
21 Sep 08
No, I haven't taken your words in the wrong sense...and I understand what you say. I was just wondering when these two are able to adapt to other situations around them..why they weren't making the effort in their own relationship..especially with children being involved. But you are right, people let their guard down when they are married and that's probably what happened in this case.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
19 Sep 08
Yes. My parents. It's hard as hell to watch them argue over the littlest of things and yet they say they love each other but they hurt one another so badly with their actions or words. I've had to get in the middle of them and scream STOP IT!! Stop it both of you!! and tell them to look at one another and see what they're doing to each other and I'd tell them that this isn't love!! If it's love then I want no part of it!! It shakes them up a little bit at first and then they go right back to it later on be it days or an hour later. They've been married now for 54 years and still going pretty strong but the arguements.... sheesh!!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
21 Sep 08
I really can't understand it. How can someone love another person and be arguing all the time? It affects everyone around (like it has for you). I think my friends understand how it is affecting their kids....but they just haven't decided to separate and move on just yet (if they can't sort out the problems on their own or with help).
1 person likes this
@ailema4ever (2675)
• Finland
19 Sep 08
I'm sorry to hear about this. :-((( I find that one of the toughest things in a relationship is when both partners are SO defensive already even before they hear each other out. How can you solve problems that way? But then again over the years you begin to know more each other's "patterns" and that what makes both of them become defensive, because they can guess already what the other one is going to say or react or accuse them. It's very important for them to take down their defenses and really try to listen to each other...without accusing the other one of anything...just sharing feelings and thoughts...and finding a way to solve them. If they can't do it on their own, then they do need the help of a counselor.
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I think you are right...and that's probably what is happening. I will suggest seeing a counsellor...but the decision is upto them.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56115)
• Delhi, India
19 Sep 08
In brief it clearly seems to me a clash of 'ego' and the battle of confirming who is 'superior'. When 'ego' comes into a relationship, the beast part comes out. Each of the partner wishes to prove that he/she is 'superior' to the other one. Neither of the two settles for it and the problem start arising. Your friends both must be very nice persons but they fail in the area of 'adjustment', in my opinion. They perhaps do not consider it deeply that in a relationship 'we should 'accept' the other person, as he/she actually is and should not try to change her/him till he/she herself/himself willing to go for a change. I have a friend who has very soar relations with his wife. His wife is a earning and she is well educated. But the relations gets soar between them due to 'ego' clash. My friend (otherwise a great fellow) does not bow his head in front of his wife for demanding anything from money to 'making love' and she does not bend herself saying - 'You should ask for it, what you want from me'. All my efforts to make my friend understand the idea of keeping aside his 'ego' have not yielded any results.
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
Yes, quite possible that it could be the scenario at my friends' place too. From what I heard, I'm beginning to think that when one of the partners was adjusting, the other person took it for granted and so the other partner started behaving in the same manner...and that made things worse.
1 person likes this
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
19 Sep 08
i think i know someone in a similar situation.. seems like she cant be around her husband... .. you can really feel the tension between them, the wife normally avoids to have any conversation with the hubby - just to avoid 'confrontations'.. i asked her why... she said she doesnt really hate her husband... but he makes her feel uncomfortatable.. suffocated... he only focuses on whatever bad thing, mistakes.. negative side.. as though she doesnt have anything good to offer him anymore.. she said she got fed-up with 'being the target' all the time.. she started doing the same to the husband also... also pointing out the negative things about him.... i guess it will never end if you only find faults with each other... it is just sad...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I'm not really sure....but when they are alone BOTH of them are really wonderful people ....it's just each other they cannot stand. How can someone NOT like someone who is a wonderful person? How can a wonderful person affect another individual to bring out the bad part in them? In this case, BOTH of them affect each other the same way.
1 person likes this
• Australia
20 Sep 08
I think the reason this is happening to them is they are just way too similar. It can be a problem having 2 people living under the one roof that are very similar, because it means neither is able to back down from a squabble, and then a new one starts. Catch 22. My partner and I are very similar too, but we are just different enough to be able to actually share our lives. It also helps that he is teaching me much about the world of computers too, so him sharing his passion with me means that he feels as though I am actually interested in his life. He is interested in my hobbies too, and is in the process of nagging me to get more of my cross stitch up on the wall.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 08
The only couple O know like that was from one of my t.v. shows. It seemed like they love to argue.I guess as long as they are happy, it is okay.
@SViswan (12072)
• India
21 Sep 08
Well, these two do NOT like to argue and avoid it when they are with other people...but just can't help it when they are with each other. From what I understand, it's a cycle where one person triggers the other's reactions and they get defensive based on past experiences and that then triggers the one who started it off....!
2 people like this
• United States
21 Sep 08
But they love each other.Maybe it just me but if a guy knew how to push my buttons so well that I get angry all the time, I would avoid him.
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
19 Sep 08
Tooo much of expectation less of temprament Mind set they have developed Might be hurdle for that as both have same goal but differnt approach to get it( i assume from this post) and it seems no one is eager to listen/agree other opinion Take care
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I'm not very clear of all the situations. But from what I heard from both of them...I understand that both of them get defensive when the other opens their mouth to speak....even if it is something about what happened to them that day.
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
20 Sep 08
Hmmmm See Both are defending their actions instead of ciompromising and adjusting They need a Long break and spent time with nature
• India
19 Sep 08
I have seen people getting at each other’s throats but not two exactly identical people. Maybe it’s the thing of ‘same signs repel’ syndrome. My relation is of the opposites in many way, yet we are so very similar in so many ways, that sometimes its quite scary to me. Anyway, God’s blessings and I wish the same for all relations.
@SViswan (12072)
• India
19 Sep 08
I'm not sure what their sun signs are. But they are very similar to each other. Outward appearances can be deceptive and since I've always known both of them as mature adults who know how to handle it even when they get angry, I was shocked to hear about what happens inside their home.
1 person likes this