Yucchhh
By cobrateacher
@cobrateacher (8432)
United States
September 26, 2008 8:49pm CST
Last night, my youngest son called. Among many other things we discussed, he said he'd seen my former husband, and he had a couple of messages for me. One was that the man still loves me and wants me to come back to him. I left more than 35 years ago, and I've never seen or spoken to since. I had to file for restraining orders several times during and after the marriage for severe abuse. He knows I married the man I should have been with all along, and the children have told him how happy we are.
Why would this call come after all this time? What would you do? I told my son that I wish he'd remembered that I wanted to forget that relationship ever existed, and they must never let my ex know where I live or how to get in touch with me. My son told me they all (the kids) agreed to tell him I'd moved to South Beach, when I'm on the other side of Miami from there, and they tell him I have no phone. I don't want to know he even exists. Again, what would you do?
1 person likes this
10 responses
@chameleonsdream (1230)
• United States
27 Sep 08
What a sad life he must have led since you got away from him. What a weasel he is to try to reach at you through your son. I would revel in the fact that you left behind a sad, sad man to make a new life - which has obviously turned out far better than his sorry one. I would tell your son in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear about the man, and go on enjoying all that your life has brought you.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Thanks. I recently had to send for a copy of my birth certificate, and the city's website looked really interesting.
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
My life is truly full of joy. My son called this morning and apologized, and my husband and I had a good giggle about what a jerk the ex is.
I sent you a friend request becaus I'm curious if you're from Worcester, Mass. I was born there, but I've been in Miami ever since I can remember. I wondered what that place is like.
@chameleonsdream (1230)
• United States
27 Sep 08
What a small world! Feel free to send me a private message - I'll be happy to share with you what the city has been like for the past thirty years, which is when I moved here.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
He did know. The kids talked me into having the nerve to leave. I received a very apologetic call this morning, and my son knows, and will tell his brothers and sisters, never to bring up that horror show of a relationship again! Frankly, my husband and I have had a good laugh over it since the first call.
@coffeechat (1961)
• New Zealand
27 Sep 08
You walked away from an abusive relationship 35 years ago. It is particularly disheartening to hear that your ex used your youngest son to convey the message. Well then without any contact co-ordinates for you it would be difficult to send you a message otherwise!
I would acknowledge two things to myself if I was in your circumstance:
1. I have truly established a new life, which began 35 years ago and am in a fulfilling relationship.
2. I would be delighted that my ex still holds a torch for me.
In the same breath I would extinguish any hope for the torch to be in the same room with me, with neither anger nor fear. It would be compassion since the man obviously is in a hopeless state.
So get on girl, wear a smile, think kindly but take care of Number 1. Yourself.
@coffeechat (1961)
• New Zealand
27 Sep 08
Well well! Its all the nectar I guess. But then yes, why would someone want to be shooed and go away when they think you are special. Thanks for the BR.
Cheers.
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Thank you for putting it so well, dear friend! Men are so hard to get rid of. Thre's a guy I went out with a few times in the 1960s who still calls at least a couple of times a month, even though I tell him to leave me alone, and I usually just hang up at the sound of his voice. Unlisted phone numbers don't help with him, becausse he's an exec with AT&T! To be honest, I slam down the phone and have a bit of a giggle! 
@eneria (118)
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
You don't have to worry, i think your husband can understand you..
it is not your choice if your ex husband still exists, and of course i know you don't want your ex husband to be a part of you again..
You made a good decision.. :)
I'm happy for you having a good husband and a children.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thank you. The children have told me many times over the years that they wish my present husband had been their dad. I wish I'd had that insight myself. Oh, well, at least we have it right now.
Welcome to myLot, my friend. Newbies bring us good new ideas that make this the best site on the 'net!
@irishidid (8687)
• United States
27 Sep 08
I can certainly relate! I've been divorced about 11 years and he still wants me back. Luckily, he doesn't bother us much and will only talk to me or my son. Totally ignores his real daughter but keeps telling everyone my oldest daughter is his daughter. She isn't.
I have a friend still in a marriage that's bad. I keep telling her to kick him out and she keeps saying she's waiting him to leave. He uses her as a meal ticket. He's not going to leave.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Maybe my perceptions ar warped by all the abuse your post reminded me -- I worked at four jobs and he always said that, since I liked to work and he didn't, why should he. Maybe he's thinking I'll be retiring before much longer (2013) and he can get in on that somehow.
Macy's has a campaign going in which you can buy a leather bracelet embossed with "RESPECT", and all proceeds go to helping victims of abuse. Somehow, we have to teach poor, terrorized souls that there is a better life out there for them, and leaving can get them there. I see many such relationships among my students, and I jump all over it. While it may not be my business, I believ we are all our brothers' keepers, and we must be there for the betterment of everyone we encounter.
@legacyrunner (45)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I think you should just ignore the message. Don't think about it or let that man have anymore of your time than he has already had.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
28 Sep 08
You're so right. I have the most wonderful husband rth, and he deserves to continue to be the only man who has my interest and time.
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
27 Sep 08
Seems your previous marriage is a nightmare. If I were to answer your question, my answer is NOTHING. Since you're happy with your present relationship, why bother to think about the past? Maybe your ex just realize how important you are after those years and it's his loss. Just dont be bothered yourself to think about him, just think about your future with your present husband and nothing else.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Good thinking, Juliefaye. More than anything, I'm shocked to hear from the jerk after so many years. I did tell my son that, if such a thing ever happened again, I'd prefer that he just not tell me, and to be sure to tell his brothers and sisters the same thing. Incidentally, my husband said he was surprised it took so long, but not that it happened. He thinks abusers become obsessed. We changed our unlisted number, just in case.
@LouiseKnittel (4764)
• United States
27 Sep 08
I really understand what your saying. My ex-husband say that he still loves me and Always will. I think that If I said I would go back that he would take me.
Lots of times when there is a controller in the relationship, then the controlled is not there any longer. They miss the "Love" of being able to control the other.
So, I am not sure that the Love is still there at all. I think that like I said they Love the Control that they had over you and miss the way it made them feel so powerful.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
I work really with women who are victims of control freaks. It took a lot of therapy and the great friendship of my current husband to get past the utter terror I lived with 24/7.
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
27 Sep 08
hi cobra,
dont even take a second to reconsider your actions and wonder about this issue... it is history ...
you have good husband, good children, good life ... he (ex ) does not exist and he cant demand to share your accomplishments ( you yourself deserve it .. for the pain you had to go tru)
cheers
1 person likes this
@mhrmasum (678)
• Bangladesh
27 Sep 08
The first question is that from me is it possible to back to former husband. If think that it is not possible so why are u thinking. Just relax. What will be the result if someone lost every thing then after a long time he or she want the lost thing back. happy my lotting
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Who would want to return to something that didn't work at all? What bothered me more than anything was that my son relayed this ridiculous message. This morning, he called to apologize, and said he should er even have told me what the ex said. I agreed, forgave, and it's all OK now!
