How do you tell a loser friend they're a loser?
By init_towinit
@init_towinit (53)
United States
October 3, 2008 3:01pm CST
I have a friend that's about 35 and hasn't done much with his life. He was going to nursing school and was working at a grocery store part-time. He was in school so I knew he couldn't get a "real" job so it was OK for him to work there. But then he was laid off and could no longer afford to pay for his classes. He was on unemployment for a while and eventually had to move back in with his parents. He was taking nursing classes when I met him 8 years ago and yet he never finished his degree program. He was going for an Associate's degree and not a Bachelor's. I always thought he was taking a full load each semester but apparently not. I asked him when he would finish and he told me he needed another year. He had planned a trip to Jamaica or Hawaii a while back and when I asked him if he was still going he said yes and he did!! Then he traveled to a couple of different movie conventions where he had to pay for food and hotel. I didn't understand how he could waste his money like that knowing that he was not employed and he had nothing to fall back on. Whenever we go out I pay for the both of us because I feel sorry for him. He'd always go on about how much he admired my dedication and work ethic but yet it didn't rub off on him. He's still living at home with his parents and has a job now but he doesn't make any real money to support himself. He talks about marriage and wanting a family but I honestly don't see how anyone would want to be with him when he's in this situation. I don't know how to tell him that he needs to get himself together. I feel bad but sometimes I think he's a loser. I know that sounds horrible but I'm just so disappointed because he's a good guy. So how would you let someone like this know that they need to re-exam their priorities, make better decisions and be more responsible without hurting their feelings?
4 people like this
11 responses
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Oct 08
ubut towinit well first dont tell him hes a loser, thats
kind of harsh , and negative. tell him that you think he needs
to set his p riorities in place,buckle down, and work to'
get a good paying job. once he has that be there for him
and encourage him by example and by well placed compliments
when he shows he is learning to be more responsible.Could he is just a late bloomer and needs a bit of a push to get his
'life back in order. be a friend, be stern at times to
keep him on the right path, but dont tell him hes a loser, show him how to be a winner instead.
1 person likes this
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
4 Oct 08
Everybody chooses different paths in life, because if we didn't we'd all end up exactly the same.
When you say 'wasting his money' on going on a trip or to a convention he may not see it that way. His priorities are probably just very different from yours.
We aren't all programmed the same way, so it's not fair for you to call someone you consider a friend a 'loser' simply because they aren't at the same point as you in life or don't have the same work ethic.
If you really don't like the fact that he has very little drive, then end the friendship, but placing judgements and lecturing him is going to do the same thing with bad blood.
Trust me, you either need to accept him and the choices he makes as an intrinsic part of who he is, or just distance yourself if you feel like he's being too much of a drain on you. You don't have the power to change anyone.
@granmeme (162)
• United States
3 Oct 08
He sounds a lot like a friend's ex husband. He was very like able and easy to get along with and she was working two jobs to put him through nursing school until she found out he was cheating on her. He did not think she was smart enough to catch him. After they split up he took up with another girl and quit school. I did hear that he did eventually finish school.
It is hard to tell some one they are a loser I guess you cannot just come right out and say you are a loser. In a conversation bring up how much it costs to have a family and ask how he plans to take care of them or asks if he intends to let a
his wife take of him, if that is the case you probably would no longer have any respect for him anyway. I have know a lot of guys that are losers and sometimes if you want to be friends with them you have to accept the flaws until you reach the point that you just cannot stand their ways and can no longer be friends. Always paying for him when you are out is not helping him any. Maybe if you want to do something with him make a point of picking someplace cheap so he can pay his own way. He needs to take pride in being able to be self supporting. As old as he is he may never be the kind of person you want him to be. Usually by that age a person is mentally mature.
1 person likes this
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
3 Oct 08
I think you should tell him exactly that. From the subject title of the discussion I thought it would be harsh, but you're being reasonable. He really does need to get it together. You're probably the only one who can help him! Tell him he is sabotaging himself and he needs to get serious about his life. Nobody else will!
1 person likes this
@piniongrl (142)
• United States
4 Oct 08
The first thing you should do is stop paying your friends way when you go out. I see no problem calling someone a loser if you guys are close and you can explain yourself. Sometimes anger is enough to get someone going in the right direction and he'd rather hear that from a friend then the first woman he tries to get with I bet. Be honest with your friend don't be to hard on him but try to make him understand how you view him and point out the fact that your his friend and you already have had a chance to see the good side of him but that to a stranger who doesn't know the good things the view will be very different and much much worse.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
4 Oct 08
Boy, do I know where you are coming from. I'm having an issue with my best friend of 18 years. I've come to the conclusion that you just have to let them make their own mistakes. You can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed. You can't make them see things differently if they don't want to. You just have to be there for him as a friend, if you choose to. But don't let him take advantage of you by making you pay for everything. Obviously he has money or he couldn't go on trips. He lives with his parents, so he probably don't pay any bills. He's a big boy. Don't feel sorry for him. He made his choices. Good Luck!
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
4 Oct 08
Maybe he's the type of person who's more of a follower than a leader. Maybe he needs someone to 'guide' him through things and maybe a little bit more frank about it too. Why don't you try that, let him in on the things you do, like when you have projects of your own, try to reach out to him and make him help you. Instead of spoon-feeding him, try to help him by giving him a hands-on experience.
It's actually tough for a person to realize he's a loser since he doesn't really have a solid responsibility. So, as his friend, help him but once he doesn't really do anything about it (regardless how you try) then tell him straight that he's a loser.
@goldenapple951 (455)
• United States
4 Oct 08
If I am truly their friend I would call NOT them a "loser"
because I care about their self esteem...
What am I trying to accomplish? Im trying to get them to see their bad choices
and do something good with their life. So I would say something to the affect
" You need to make good choices" "change your game plan and make some adjustments in your life"
There is a saying that says" Shame does not bring Change"
By calling them a loser I would not only destroy them
but lose sight of what I was trying to do...
help a friend.
@Lee_Rites (845)
• United States
4 Oct 08
Friends should accept each other as they are. You could try telling him what you feel but it probably won't change him.
