Would you help a friend in need if it was just for a few months?

@maddysmommy (16236)
United States
October 7, 2008 11:05am CST
My husbands friends are really struggling to pay rent and sorts and have a huge student loan that they are struggling to pay. They have decided to separate for a few months, his girlfriend and baby moving back to her family in San Francisco while he stays here in DC (I'm assuming he's staying because of the pay and benefits or else he can't get a job back in San Fran) and continues to work and pay of debt and sorts until they are able to get back on their feet. There lease is up next month and he's looking to find a place to live that only costs around $600 per month. When my husband told me last night, I thought why not offer to have him stay with us for a few months, we could use the extra $$. It would mean my son will have to move his bunk bed in our room (which fits fine since we did that once before) and since he has his own car, it's not like he will be an extra burden except more $$ will be spent on food and utilities at most. My husband has a few concerns especially about the length of time incase things are not sorted out after 3 months and he ends up staying longer. His friend also has a busy social life and when we have visited them, they often had people visiting their home on a daily basis. I told him that he will have to talk to his friend and set limits/rules right at the start and go from there. What would you do in this situation? Having one extra person in the house is no big deal to me and even though I'm only thinking about having extra $$ come in, he could be an extra baby sitter for us too. Thanks for sharing.
3 people like this
9 responses
@patgalca (14355)
• Orangeville, Ontario
7 Oct 08
If it was me I would say no way, no how. But that's just me. Having someone move in, especially a guy, would just give my husband a friend to play (and drink) with and I would get less of his attention. It happened in my first marriage. I'm all for helping a friend out but there is a line. I don't think having your son move into your bedroom with you is okay. Another intrusion on your relationship with your husband. It's your decision, and you know your family dynamic. I'm just saying what I think. Good luck with whatever you decide.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Thanks Pat, I never thought about the socialising part with the hubby only because my hubby rarely socialises at all. At most he might have a pizza night with his work colleagues, or occasional golf game but that's like once in a blue moon. BUT it's something to think about considering his friend is very sociable and needs to have company around him most of the time. Good point. I wasn't sure about having maddy in our room either - mind you when my hubby travels he sometimes sleeps with me in our room. Still not quite the same. Thanks for your comments Pat, always appreciated :0)
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
7 Oct 08
if your husband rarely socialize then maybe it's nice for him to have a friend for some 'guys stuff'. but having your son move into your bedroom is another thing. if you have an extra bedroom then having a friend moving in should not be a problem. it's about privacy. yours and your son's. good luck p/s - if you decided to let the friend in and charge him, i don't think he would mind if you charge some extra $ for meals and utility bills. i'd love to have those taken care of for some extra $. hehe
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
7 Oct 08
hehe I know - I was only seeing the $$ signs and thought having extra $$ would help us out bigtime. It's still up in the air though so we shall see. Thanks for posting.
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
8 Oct 08
Hmmmmm Well, when some one is paying $$ to u then for sure he must have his activities. and specially when his G/F and kid are away, he might need more social set up. I sure want to help friend, may be find him some better and cheaper place to stay. but i dont think i might have it at home, unless i have seperate guest room. Take care
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
14 Oct 08
I think we will help him find his own place. Even though the $$ would come in handy, it's not going to be feasible in the end. It sounds like he's looking for something long term and not short term, which is fine. If we had a guest room then probably, but because we don't, it's going to be tough on my son and us I think. Thanks again.
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
16 Oct 08
Hmm, that sound to be goos and reasonable as in first case, some problem might arise and u might end up loosing relations and friend Take care
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
25 Oct 08
I dont want to say anything to make anyone not help someone. However the mere fact that he is like family is all the more reason not to do it. If you value the friendship at all DONT DO IT. I have done it so many times and been screwed every time. No matter family or friend it never ends well. Its true what they say the best room mates are ones you dont have an invested interest in. I have read and responded to many of your discussions. Enough to know that you and your husband only want to do whats right. In this instance the right thing is to say NO. Explain to the friend that now isnt a good time. You are having a tough time of it right now and you dont want to drag anyone else into it. This way he cant be upset. If he cares about you and your husband he will be understanding and not want to put anymore burdens on you. Im not sure if you have children. If you do, wont it be hard to raise a Healthy family on a routine with someone on your couch. I have children and let me tell you when my cousin lived with me, everything was an argument because the guest is an interest to them and a shelter if you will. I dont know how many times I have heard " I want to see Charles" my cousin. Its hard to say no without offending. It was a nightmare. DO me a favor? Think about what I said then when you go to bed or have a few minutes alone think about it for yourself putting the friend in the situations I have described. ALso think about this: Why would it be lucrative for him to stay with you and not be with his family. WHy wont he live with the girlfriends family? Have they been told no? If so why? Have they burned bridges with their family? It sounds funny that someone would allow the love of his life go on without them hundreds of miles away and not want to go with them. THe only way that would happen is if it wasnt allowed by the family. I just think that he shouldnt be leaching off you again. Once is enough. Twice was Alright already. THird time is HELL no! If He cant control his finances, which it seems to say this, he needs a financial advisor not a friend to pick up his pieces whenever he needs. You and your spouse are his friends not his parents. ITS TIME TO TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE. theres no room in this economy for a person to live with you for the third time. Good luck sweetie! I really and truly mean that! I hope I am wrong. I really do. I doubt it. Good luck. THe world should have more people like you an yours. dloveli
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
25 Oct 08
I would have to say that if you trust this man to babysit your son, then he must be a pretty good friend. I say, put down some ground rules, but definitely go for it. No just because of the extra money, but because it is the right thing to do for a friend. We never know if we might end up in a situation like that. I hope that everything worked/works out. God will surely bless you for your kindness.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
26 Oct 08
Hiya Roze HUGS! Matt has known him for 20 some years and they actually stayed with us for about a week and a bit when they moved down from New York. I know what you mean though as being the right thing to do for a friend, and I really don't mind helping him out until he's able to get back on his feet. I would think they would do the same for us if we were in a situation like that or something similar. They haven't brought up the subject with us again since the last time my husband spoke with him, so we shall see. I know their lease finishes end of November. I'll keep you posted. How are you doing my friend? Sorry I haven't been around much nor kept in touch much, working throughout the holidays is tough, but enjoying the fact that I'm getting extra $$ and getting out of the house. Nice to talk with adults too :)
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
26 Oct 08
I am glad that you are enjoying being out in the working world. I know that it is fun. I can not wait until I get back out there. I will have an update about my situation, hopefully in a few more days. Take care and God bless you.
@worldwise1 (14887)
• United States
14 Oct 08
I think you should really consider your husband's concerns about allowing your friend to move in, maddysmommy. There has to be a good reason for this. I've also learned from experience that things don't always end well when you decide to help a friend out by letting them move in with you. Good luck.
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
14 Oct 08
Thanks worldwise. My husband hasn't brought it up again so I am going to leave it. He has some valid points and all I was thinking about was the extra $$ coming in.
• India
8 Oct 08
i dont think so i'll be helping...
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
14 Oct 08
Why?
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
8 Oct 08
DONT DO IT GIRLFRIEND!!!! It will only end in disaster I promise you! I have plenty of experience in this and let me tell you. If you do this by the time its over, You wont be friends. I can almost guarantee it. Its not about friendship. Its about boundaries and maintaining personal space. You are married. Its a relationship. Its not good in any manner to add a third adult to that equation. I think its uncomfortable when your husbands not home and you and him are there. Not that I am suggesting anything because I'M not. It just becomes a jealousy thing. Your husband will have his best friend living with him. It may be the third wheel that becomes aggravating. What used to be couples night just became group night. Trust me! Its very hard to schedule personal time with roommate. I have done this with my cousin and his wife, my friend and my husbands friend. Each time we ended up the bad guys. It was always something. I don't know of anyone that has taken someone in and hasn't been through what I have. Its just an accident waiting to happen. I am sure of it. Please re think this decision. If you cant because you've already said yes, then sit him down and be frank with him right from the beginning. Tell him that you are worried about the friendship and don't want to experience the nightmare stories you have heard about letting someone live with you. Lastly, Make sure you give him a some kind of time constraint. Tell him its non negotiable. Tell him you are doing these things to protect the friendship. It will be better for everyone. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
8 Oct 08
You make some very valid points dloveli and I appreciate your honesty. He has lived with us for two weeks in the past along with his girlfriend, before they found their own place and we did have a talk upfront when they arrived. Being that it was only a short stay, everything worked out fine. This time it is different with it just being him and staying for a longer period, and even though I was keen on the idea as we could use the extra $$, just reading about what others have posted, has made me think twice about it. Three months is a long time and I have heard of friendships being destroyed over something like this. He's known this friend for 15 years or slightly longer, so he is more or less like family. If it was my family that needed help, I wouldn't hesitate to help. We haven't said yes as my husband isn't really keen on the idea because of the type of person he is. It might just be better that we don't and help him find a room to rent instead.
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
7 Oct 08
[i]Hi maddysmommy, I will be concern also of different things and changes in our house when he is around..I love to help but I will be hesitant since it will be hard later when there are misunderstanding about his lifestyle and our privacy as a family! In this case, i will see myself helping a friend to find a place for him to live but will not be very confident to offer him to stay with us![/i]
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Privacy was what my hubby was concerned about too. He's a private person compared to his friend who is very sociable and has an active lifestyle. Not being able to do what we normally do as a family is another thing to. I don't want their friendship to be shaken up if things get uncomfortable while he's living here. After further discussoin with him tonight, I don't think it's going to happen. Thanks for your input checapricorn.
7 Oct 08
Yes for sure. I have done it in the past and don't hesitate now. Actually right now our sons friend is living with is because he doesn't have a stable home life. I've had my brother, his girlfriend and their son live with us. Another friend of my son, his sister and mother. How can we not help someone when we are able to?? I got no money from any of them to help with expenses but that doesn't matter to me. Knowing I was in the postion to help someone is what matter most and it's the best feeling ever!
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
7 Oct 08
You have such a big heart pinkpassion5 and the fact that you don't hesitate to help your family and friends out when in need, says a lot. I bet your sons are very proud to have a mother like you! We have done it once in the past, infact it was with this same couple when they moved to DC, they stayed with us for a few weeks until they found a place of their own. I feel for them, and no doubt if we were in that position, I would think they wouldn't hesitate to help us out if we needed it too. Thanks for sharing!
@Savvynlady (3686)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Well, as long as he knows the deal of the arrangement straight up and sticks to it, that's fine, but sometimes that don't always work out. If you work out an agreement, put it in writing so all parties are satisfied, then that is fine.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16236)
• United States
7 Oct 08
I think so too Savvynlady. As long as the rules are stipulated at the beginning and if at any chance they get bent lol, then there is always the door. It's hard to turn a friend away when they are in need.