Is A Person's Past Important or Relevant In A Current Relationship

A lifetime of relationships has taught me, and msot relationship counsellors will agree, that without openness and honsety no relationship can truly prosper. It took me a long time to learn this lesson. Your friend has mostly himself to blame, although I can understand his thinking, but the problem with lying, even by omission, is that sooner or later you are going to get found out, and the trust you might have developed in a relationship all goes for nothing. Mind you, the girlfriend shouldn't have been digging around in his stuff, so she has a lesson to learn also. His only hope is to go to her and apologise, tell her everything, and hope she loves him enough to forgive him for both going to jail and for not telling her. She may not, but better he finds that out early so he can get on with his life and find someone who is more compassionate and understanding. Lash

" The past steps on the heels of the present" Someone said that to me in high school and I have carried it with me everyday since. It is so true. When you think about it, everything that happens to us in the past has a direct/indirect impact on our present and future. Everything that happens in our past, no matter how trivial, has had some part in shaping the person we are today. I don't think that sharing every tiny detail is necessary but when it comes to the life altering stuff then yes, most definitely. If you truly love someone then sharing your past(good or bad) is completly relevant. If nothing else it shows that you love the person enough to share even the most horrible memories as well as the good ones. It's a matter of trust. Being incarcirated is a huge event in someone's life. The fact that he has overcome it and strived to become a better person for it says alot for his character. Hopefully, his girlfriend is compassionate and understanding to why he would withhold it from her.

A person's past can fortell his future....here is how I look at it. Maybe he did something really wrong and he paid his debt to soceity...now there are two ways this will fortell his future. There are two paths. Either he chose the high road and learned from his lesson and has made amends with himself or if he has not changed his ways. Now a person should never feel like they have to hide anything from the person they love. Especially something like this. Because she is in the relationship as much as he is. They are a couple, a unit. And the only way you can ever have true trust is by understanding a person through the past and the present. And if she has a problem with it then either she needs to come to terms with it or decide what she will do in terms of the relationship. The problem may not be because she found out he was incarnerated it may be because how she found it....and it wasn't by him telling her. Honestly, if a man told me this himself I do not know what I would say but I would respect him for telling me the truth. Because if I found out by another source I would feel betrayed and question many things about the relationship. Communication is the key. Never fear the truth is my motto. Hope for the best for your friend.

I guess that it would all depend. If it is a fairly new relationship than I would say that he does not need to share right away. If it is more serious then yes he should tell her. He should be able to share anything that has he is or was going through. That is a part of life. As for it mattering unless he is curently on perole or something like that then she should accept that this is his past. Sure it may affect certain things in their life like maybe travel but if she truly cares for him then it should not matter. I give this guy credit for getting his life on track and hope him the best.

I personally don't think theres anything YOU can do. It is up to your friend to have explained that to her especially if he loves her. As a women if i was stuck in that situation i would be mad at first, bt if im really interested in the gut then i would take the time to here him out. People hide there past for reasons, but when you are trying to build a relationship with someone you should always be up front and honest with them. Now as for you friend If he had planned on telling her then thats a good step. he could just tell her he planned on letting her know but wanted to do it when he felt she was ready to hear him out. Now if he did not want to tell her at all then i dont think that is good at all.

Hi, Short answer, you cant change the past... but you can try to make the future better for everyone Happy to help Tevi :)

Some people are just not that open to this kind of situation. He should have told her in the first place and if she really love him then he would accept him no matter what he was. He should talk to his girl and explain why he didn't tell her. Tell him to tell her that if this girl doesn't accept the reason then I guess he is better off with her...even if it hurts. Next time he meets someone special he should tell the truth no matter what the consequence is.

That depends. For some it isn't important and for others it is. If it was me, and depending on how far into the relationship we were, I think I would want to know. Ok so he made some mistakes in his life, haven't we all? I would be willing to hear him out and have him share this part of his life with me before going further. By being upfront, honest and open about it, would make me feel better about him and our relationship. He should give her time and when she is ready, sit down and talk about it. He needs to tell her how he feels, and why he didn't tell her, etc. Open up, be honest and then go from there.

I don't think she should have gotten all bent out of shape about it, we all make mistakes in life. She doesn't know why he was in prison I'm sure he is not proud of it he would probably like to forget about it and have it erased from his record but like I said we all make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes follow us around for awhile. He should tell her why he was and then see where it goes from there. For some people being in prison is a big deal and they don't want to be with someone who has been to prison, they really need to talk about this otherwise they won't be able to move on.

To a certain degree I do not think someones past is relevent to a current relationship. There are a lot of things that I have never discussed from my past with my hubby and probably never will, but they are things that are not too likely to surface at a later date and bite me on the behind. I think that with things that are more serious, like a spell in prison, then it should have been mentioned right at the beginning. Prison is a funny word and a lot of time as soon as it is mentioned it causes a lot of friction and yes people can be judgemental before they have even heard the story. I am sorry for your friend, maybe if he tries to explain once she has calmed down he may be able to sort it out.

Yes a person's past is important. I understand not telling all about oneself at the beginning, but it seems that if she had a key and was there cleaning his home, that the relationship had progressed to another level. She is upset probably cause she feels like he didn't trust her enough to let her in. If I was in love with someone and they loved me I would feel that nothing could be hidden. And a person's past also shows the mistakes and how they learned and dealt with those mistakes. Tell your friend to at least write a letter, and to be honest and open in that letter. To apologize for not telling her or letting her in, and then have him explain in that letter what happened. She if she is any type of person that loves him back will listen and understand. It might take a while for her to get past the feeling of betrayal, and the way she found out makes her feel too like he might be hiding other things from her. See if he had told her himself it might have been hard, but she wouldn't feel betrayed. I know this feeling cause it has happened to me so many times in my life it isn't funny. So just advise him to write that letter, and then let her come to him. Cause as I said right now she has to get past the feelings of betrayal as well as shock.

friend, in your dream when you found yourself in the middle of an ocean what do you do? wake up!!! the answer to your problems is right on your palms ... so think!!!

Hi soul_life21, In my opinion a person's past definitely has a role to play in a relationship even though in your opinion he is a good guy but people out there will have different angle of view towards him as he is a guy who was imprisoned before. Although he is a good guy now, it cant change the fact that he is in prison before and if his girlfriend really loves him, she should not be bothered by his past. Thats my humble opinion.

For us woman, we really want the man to tell the all the past and truths he went through though some of it don't matter at all, it's just we want some security that we know the man by knowing what he is in the past. It's really better to tell the truth earlier sa possible than let we, woman, to know who really you are.

to me, the answer is yes and no... it really depends on what the past is and how trivial it is... in your friend's case, i think his past is quite trivial and he had to tell his gf from the beginning of the relationship... i will be hurt as well if i were in the girl's position as i feel cheated and betrayed... now it is entirely depend on the girl whether she can accept your friend's past and move on with him... there is nothing much you can do to help him i'm afraid... take care and have a nice day...

See that is the problem, no one wants to give past inmates a chance in life to prove themselves. They did the crime, did the time and now wants to move on. Yet the past haunts them. If you tell someone, you are apt to lose them, and if you don't then you are hiding something and will lose them, He is on the right track with working and staying clean, and that should be enough. But it never is. First, this woman shouldn't of read any, just put them aside or left them alone, and second, why did the guy saved them? My brother had the same problem but he told her up front and lost her and he was in for forgery. I think they should try to make it work if they truely love each other. Life is too short and if they are happy together, then they should be together. Have him try to contact her, like send her flowers with a note asking to meet somewhere for lunch/dinner and let him explain that he wasn't trying to hide it from her, he was waiting for the right time to tell her. etc. if she loves him, which I pray she does for he loves her, then she will forgive him and understand, if not, then I am sorry for the guy for the woman isn't an understanding one and he will never win in a fight. Wish him luck for me....have a good day.

i know it hard to explain but he shouls have told her this is something you don,t keep from your mate even though it,s hard to explain.if it was me i would want to know then i would take a look at where he is now and how he doing if he trying to get it together then i would give him a chance.maybe he should call her,she maybe just want see just how much he really cares for her.

I understand his fears in telling her but honestly....if we can't open up and be just who we are in a relationship, then the relationship will never ever be anything but superficial. The past should not matter as long as the person has learned from it and moved on and if the other person doesn't accept that, then obviously there is a problem.Much depends on just how long they've been together. I don't divulge my entire past or everything about me right off. I move slow and get to know the other person. One thing here that rings wrong is that she read is personal things without his permission and then had the nerve to call him out on it. I would have surely been upset had I heard something like that from someone else but also...she was invading his privacy. Hard to say that he maybe just sensed she would not be accepting or whether he maybe intended on telling her eventually. If they've been together for any length of time, then he should have trusted her enough to tell her. Either way....trust is now broken. I don't know what you can do to help them. I think he needs to figure this one out on his own.

Well to some people that is important, what he was in for might also matter, but that is only to some people. Having said that, she should have asked him about it rather than fly off the handle. As to a person's past, yes it can be relevant, in a loving relationship there should not be any secrets and that includes any from the past. If you trust your loved one then you should be able to share anything with him/her. There are all sorts of of past issues that can impact, such as former relationships, child support for children that do not live with you. I had a friend once who had a real problem with her partner's relationship with his ex wife and the child support he paid her for the children. In his case then he needs to see if she is willing to talk to him. He needs to show her that he was not hiding his past just that it never occurred to him to tell her about it. After all if he had been hiding it then he would not have left letters lying around that she could find. It is a hard thing to explain. Maybe he could start by sending flowers with an apology for upsetting her. That might help to reopen communication. If he can do that then maybe they can talk it through. Let her know that it was not being kept as a secret just something that he did not talk about much.

I feel that you dont have to share EVERYTHING in your past but if its going to influence your future with a person you should be honest (like kids out of other relationships ,chronic illnesses and yes unfortunately prison. Depends on how serious they are , he should tell her , and the reason and let her decide what she wants to do. If he was upfront she probably would have been shocked but more understanding. Any person wants to trust the other completely to make it work. She was only thinking about her future and his ?I mean even though he has changed it is important to feel you know the person you are spending your life with.