How Would This Make You Feel?

United States
December 17, 2008 8:24pm CST
My ex who is the father of my daughter talked to me a month or so ago about how he was thinking about asking his girlfriend of a few months to marry him. He wanted my honest opinion. I gave him my honest opinion. I asked that he not do it for Christmas because it was the holiday that he had proposed to me on and I felt like that was a slap in the face. Secondly, I ask that he tell me before he did it because I didn't want it all to catch me off guard. He told me that he would do that for me. Two weeks ago he came to me and said they were having problems in the sack. Needless to say, I gave into him like a freaking dummy. Yeah, I feel stupid for that, but I can't deny that it happened. We talked that night about his relationship with her and I asked if he had made his decision on whether or not he was going to ask her or not. He told me no that he didn't think he was going to because he wasn't sure if it would make him happy or not and that he didn't even have the money to buy a ring. Well, his girlfriend is the music teacher at the local school. Tonight the High School had their Christmas program, I had our daughter here and he was going to pick her up after he went to the Christmas program. I almost went to the program because I'm very close to a teenager who was going to be in it and I try to go to a lot of her stuff because she is a HUGE help to me with my kids. But I decided to just keep the kids at home. Well, after the program he stopped by, picked up our daughter and went his merry way. A few minutes later, my phone starts ringing off the hook. Seems everyone in town just seen him propose to his girlfriend at the Christmas program. All of them said that he got up there and told her that besides his daughter she was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. I guess that's normal will a proposal, but it just really hurt me because he said that he thought of me as a good friend and that HE WOULD LET ME KNOW BEFORE HE PROPOSED TO HER. Then he didn't even have the guts to tell me before or after he did it, instead I have to hear it from every Bob and Harry in town. I mean, what the heck!?!? I wrote this poem for him: I just want to say thank you Thank you for letting me know The years we had meant nothing So you put on a stupid show Now I know the 7 years we had Were nothing to even compare To the 7 months with someone else Who you cheated on and didn't care Thank you for considering my feelings Like I had asked you to do To give me your decision up front So I didn't hear it and not have a clue You lie to me over and over And you have done the same to her I'm thankful for me now it's over And I really feel so sorry for her I'm sorry everyone, but I'm not upset that he wants to marry someone else, but I asked him to respect me and respect my feelings and just feel like he didn't do that. What do you think?
2 people like this
17 responses
18 Dec 08
You're such a brave woman, I don't know what to do if it would happen to me. I couldn't even express it in words, I think at the first time I would hear that kind of news I might collapsed because I can't say anything and just feel the hurt inside. I admire your courage in writing a poem for him, in spite of what he have done to you and to your daughter. He just took advantage on you, despite the fact that you are kind to him. You deserve to be treated better!
18 Dec 08
Sounds like you've got some problems of your own, love. How do you know how this woman deserves to be treated? She could be foaming at the mouth and sociopathic for all you know! On a serious note, this kind of emotional response is not productive and only serves to worsen a situation. There's no reason why you should be made aware of your ex's plans with his new partner. It is quite simply nothing to do with you. Writing hysterical poems is just going to make you look needy and desperate. Try living your life a bit. Like he is.
• United States
18 Dec 08
TwilightGuardian, if I was a psychopath I would have done a lot of things to this man by now. He's put me through so much H E double hockey sticks the past few years that I wouldn't even know where to begin if I was to write an article or discussion. He's a jerk. Yes, maybe it is my fault for falling in another one of his traps but he still did me wrong. I have a life and yes, I do not care if he marries this woman so long as she is good to my daughter. Him marrying someone else isn't the issue at all. It's the principle in the matter, I'm not the only one he did wrong, don't you think he did his girlfriend wrong when he cheated on her? And the poor girl doesn't suspect a thing. It isn't my place to break her heart so I'm not telling, but both he and I have to hold in this secret. He came to me and asked my opinion on his relationship months ago and I asked as a favor that he let me know ahead of time so I didn't have to deal with everyone bringing it to me. We live in a SMALL town and if you've never lived in a town like this then you don't know how it is. Everyone is in everyone else's business all the time and him giving me a heads up would have been respect. He could have even told me right after the fact, but he chose not too. Why wouldn't he want to tell me himself? I don't care what his reasoning is, honestly, I'm done with him. We will now have a "business" type relationship that only concerns our daughter.
@hildas (3031)
18 Dec 08
2010 years ago.
@hildas (3031)
18 Dec 08
I am sorry singlemommy this came up when I posted my reply to you. I wondered why it was slow at tagging. My reply is gone so I do not know if this is a problem with mylot. Well I certainly did not do this. I will tell you some of my reply to you again. I hope this works though. Well this man is seriously playing with your feelings. You really need to get away from him, but I know this is impossible with your children. I am glad you wrote that poem as it is good to write your feelings down as it helps, but I would write him a final goodbye letter. Take care and my thoughts are with you. I am here for you anytime.
1 person likes this
@lynnemg (4539)
• United States
21 Dec 08
I think that when he went to you for advice, he was hoping you would tell him not to ask her because you still love him. He was indecisive until you told him to go for it, and I think, in a way, it hurt him, so he felt he wanted to hurt you too. That is why he didn't warn you. I don't know your entire situation, but I would almost bet on it that he still has more than just friendly feelings for you.
1 person likes this
@halynn (1809)
• United States
19 Dec 08
I'm sorry girly that he was that disrespectful to you. Now you know as much as you ever did how loyal he is. i luv ya girly! Hugs.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Dec 08
I say that your husband should stop trying to be all friendly with you and being disrespectful of your feelings by even getting your involved in his problems or issues with his new girlfriend, I see that as degrading for him to do such a thing. I do think that he has no obligations to you because you two are no longer in a relationship and even though he would like to make you THINK that I think frankly he doesnt but that doesn't make what he's doing is right. I dont doubt for his second that his girlfriend now is not ok with you and his chit-chats. I imagine he does with you to kind of send a message to his girlfriend to give her the illusion that he has something to fall back on--i hope thats not the case for your sake because you do not want someone using your emotions to roll on. You know why it didn't work the first time. Hey, my father was with my mother for over 25 years and when he finally did marry his second girlfriend which I have come to know rather well--all I got was lousy email pictures of their ceremony, slap in the face, yea.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Dec 08
i am sorry that this is hurting you, i have gone through the same thing myself..i guess the moral of the story is not to trust people whom you already know would break his promises...it would hurt you less if you do not expect too much...though i understand that this is a big blow to you regardless...besides, it would still also hurt you in a way if he told you like he promised...he might have his reasons for not telling you, but then again, it's still wrong to not keep your word...just one thing i can assure you that will happen, this too shall pass...so hang in there, good things will happen to people like us....take care!
1 person likes this
@maximax8 (27943)
• United Kingdom
18 Dec 08
You did well to talk to your ex about how you felt a month ago. It must have come as a shock for you because he proposed to his girlfriend and you found it is common knowledge. He was rotten for being physically close to you when he was in a relationship with her. I think your poem is touching. I know I would feel sad and confused if I was in your situation. I wish you lots of luck.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Dec 08
I´d probably cry over this. I hope you´re feeling better. Why would a man who is lucky enough to be granted love and respect from you, and still much luckier to have shared a kid with you; tear you apart with his lack of respect for your feelings and for your kid´s? Why would he even ask you about your opinion on his decisions in the first place? A man who does not respect a woman, who had given him love and a wonderful kid does, not have respect for himself. If I were in that situation, I´d probably cry over it a while and then pick up the pieces of my life. Pamper myself, my kid, my pride. Give my kid everything she needs. Stay beautiful.
1 person likes this
• China
18 Dec 08
Occurs on yours body,I thought to you is really very regrettable,if is me,and is this appearance,I really wiil be benar.....
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16193)
18 Dec 08
I think you have every right to feel upset and I think he is a coward for not being straight with you as you asked him. He probably thought that because you had spent the night with him you would be seeing it as a sign of something and so did just not have the guts to tell you. Well all I can say is I am glad I am not his girlfriend or fiance because it is not a very good start to that relationship is it, him not knowing whether he actually wants to marry her and he has also cheated. I like your poem though its very good!!
1 person likes this
@vanonas (950)
• United States
18 Dec 08
I don't even know what to say to this. I don't understand how guys can be so inconsiderate to girls feelings. I mean yeah, you guys aren't together, but you're still going to HAVE to be part of each others lives because you have a child together. I don't think it's fair for him to have done that to you. He sucks. There's no other way to say it. I'm sorry that happened and I hope you can talk to him and tell him how you feel.
1 person likes this
@sixclix (677)
• Philippines
18 Dec 08
Sorry for what happened but next time, never fall for that "we're having problems in the sack" bit.
1 person likes this
• Ireland
18 Dec 08
Ouch, I sorry that this happened to you. Sometimes, tough situations happens for a reason we don't understand at that moment but we would feel thankful for in time. J
1 person likes this
@j47lee (742)
• Canada
18 Dec 08
He is a complete a$$hole... just ignore him..... not worth the heart ache over... I hope u find a wonderful man.. who'll take care of u.........
1 person likes this
• India
18 Dec 08
Im SO SORRY for... it must have hurt you real bad ... It is non of my business but still i feel you deserve someone MuchMuch better... i feel he wasnt even worth.. to have you even as a friend... i may not know you but if you have done all that you said you have... i suggest u keep away from this man...
1 person likes this
@savengt (89)
• Singapore
18 Dec 08
It seems like you still can't let go totally. Since he is your Ex, it means the relationship between both you has ended. And the fact that both of you are still friends i guess is for the sake of your daughter and mutual understanding that both of you are not meant for marriage. He may have his reason to propose to the new girlfriend under some special circumstances. it is his freedom now since the both of you are seperated. He might feel bad for forgetting to tell you before hand. Leave the past behind and move on, you have the right to go out with other guys too, you wont want to be reporting to your Ex about your new life. Move on and be happy, dont dwell in the past.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17926)
• United States
18 Dec 08
I'm sorry that you've been hurt by this man and I hope, for your own sanity, that you realize that you can't continue to have any kind of emotional connection to him. This might not be what you want to read right now but men use women who will let them and he used you the night you had s&x. He probably had no intention of keeping his promise to you about the proposal. He cares about him, his life, his plans and the sooner you accept that and emotionally distance yourself from him, the better off you will be. You should not be involved in his life and he should not be involved in yours outside of parenting the child the two of you have together. It should be like a business relationship, no confiding in each other, no asking each other for advice. This is the best way to limit future disappointments on your part. Hang in there.
1 person likes this