Should I tell her to change?

China
December 20, 2008 9:25pm CST
My neighbor is a couple of retired at our similar age. We are in good terms, but I am annoyed from their quarrels. The wife is very capable and warm hearted. She offers her help whenever needed, but she seems eager to take the leading role in everything, giving ideas, what is more, always in a sharp loud voice. She wanted his husband to try find a part-time work after retirement, but was rejected. They do not have common interest, she seems annoyed seeing her husband leaning on the sofa, reading books and watching TV all day long...... Should I tell her to change a bit to help improve their relationship?
2 people like this
16 responses
@onlydia (2808)
• United States
21 Dec 08
You know that sharp loud voice you don't want to hear it. My parents went through that. I told my Dad to calm down and who the heck do you think your talking to? I got from not just one but both of them. Well after that I would just listen to each of them complain about each other and left it at that. And that is what they did until my Father passed away. Now my Mom lives her life the way she wants and you know I found out my Mom is a slob.Come to find out after 41 years my Dad was the clean freak. So yes just leave it alone and kiss your husband and have a wonderful day.
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
22 Dec 08
Hmm... One thing that some people couldn't take is unsolicited advises. I guess you could do that ONLY when she asks for advice regarding her marital relationships. Plus, they've been like that for a long time now, so I'm guessing the husband would have told her about it personally should he felt he was being controlled. So, I guess it's safer to mind your own business unless she herself asks for your opinion. Okay? Keep the relationship smooth for now, you wouldn't want to lose a neighbor unnecessarily, right?
@Ithink (6101)
• United States
22 Dec 08
Well first of all I would have to say no as if they have lived this long together they will figure out how to work things our most likely. The other thing is unless you are really close friends, I mean really really close, she could be really offended. The other thing is he newly retired? I mean within the last year? If so it takes time to get used to someone being with you all the time, especially if you dont have alot in common. My father-in-law is retired now and he is driving my mother-in-law nuts or so she says. Yet they are working it out themselves and you can tell they still enjoy each other even with the quarrels. She said it feels as thou there is no her time now.
22 Dec 08
My, my...what a tricky situation you have there. I guess it would be safe to watch things for a while. Just analyze the situation a bit more. It might happen that, if you approach her and tell her to soften up a bit, she might think that you're being nosy and that you should better mind your own business. Just wait for a while. Maybe one day she'll get to the verge of asking someone on what to do with her husband or herself. That would be a perfect opporunity to tell her what you think.
@sk66rc (4263)
• United States
22 Dec 08
Now, I'm just giving an opinion as an observer... Apparently you find it annoying when she takes a leading role, may be her way of taking a leading is a bit much... Whatever your reasons are for finding her ways annoying, it might be taken the same way if you take the lead, or take the initiative, to tell her to change her ways... It might be seen as you being bossy or sticking your nose in somewhere it doesn't beling... I'm just simply stating what it make perceved as... If she, or her husband, mentions something & you stating your opinion is one thing, I wouldn't make a point to say something if I were you... That being said, if you really wanna say something, there might be different ways to do that... If they're constantly arguing, you might be able to use that to tell her of your opinion... Something like, "hey, I've noticed you guys were arguing the other day... I'm not trying to be nosy or anything but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok... You know you can always talk to me if somethings wrong... I figured I'd let you know my door is open if you wanna talk"... That might lead for you 2 to talk & in the process of communicating, you could make a suggestion... But at the same time, I would leave it as "SUGGESTION" only... Try not to make it sound like you're judging her... Instead of saying, "You should do this." or "you should do that", try telling her, "Have you tried it this way? May be it's better if you tried it this way... If it works out, great, if not, let me know..." type of thing... I don't know... Just few ideas...
@Masmasika (1922)
• Philippines
21 Dec 08
It is very hard especially when they are too old to be taught what is right. The situation is very difficult. How close are you to them? If they are your best friends you can try talking to the wife about there relationship. If they are just your neighbors it's very hard to meddle with their affair. They might think you are a neighbor who meddles with other people's affairs and they would hate you for that. This also depends if the couple have been like that before or the woman has turned like that now that they are old. There are lots of situations to consider before making a move. If she were your sister it would be very easy to tell her frankly that she is not treating her husband well but a neighbor is different. Just be good to them and talk to them often, there might come a time when you can talk to the woman about the problem.
@razcal2267 (15577)
• United States
21 Dec 08
No you should not tell her that she needs to change. If you think it is annoying that she is loud with her husband just imagine that coming in your direction. It isn't worth it.
@kiran8 (14854)
• Mangalore, India
21 Dec 08
from what you write i can see that your interest is well meant and you want to genuinely help them.But it is difficult to do it in the right manner i feel without seeming to be interfering.If she were to confide in you , regarding her husband or anything else connected with her household matters, then you might be able to steer the conversation towards what you would like to convey, but the initiative should come from her side i feel !
• Serbia And Montenegro
21 Dec 08
It sounds very thoughtful of you to try and help out, but it's their issue. And if you try to help them out it will probably backfire. Unless these people are very close friends of yours, then perhaps you could indirectly try to make them improve on their relationship. But I strongly advise against that.
@wjcp2008 (106)
• China
21 Dec 08
It's their thing,nothing done with you.But if it were me,I will do something,maybe I'm a little eager to giving ideas.I don't know what's the result after I told her,maybe something bad to our neighborship,but I will do it still.
@fatsanta (84)
• United States
21 Dec 08
That depends on if you are friendly with another. But if it was me, i wouldn't tell her. It's her life and she can do whatever she wants with it. Most of the times someone tries to help, a disastrous thing happens on accident.
• China
21 Dec 08
they should learn how to enjoy their life since they are retired .because we work hard to make money before .what is the work for ? i think the wamon is so mean to her husband .you should tell her what you think . she really need to be advised .she need a change. life is ife ,work is work .
• United States
21 Dec 08
I think that the best thing to do in this situation is to let your neighbors work their problems out on their own. Some people may be offended when someone else offers their opinion on their relationship. It sounds like you have a good friend in your neighbor, and I don't think that you would want to risk your relationship. I guess that in time, the couple will decide what to do about their current situation. The wife may notice the error of her ways and decide to change on her own. I think you should just give it time and see how things work out.
• United States
21 Dec 08
Even if I was this person's best friend, I wouldn't say a word to her. It's HER relationship, HER husband, HER way of doing things. People rarely change if they don't see a need to on their OWN... If you are interested in killing this friendship, then go ahead and nose into her business.. otherwise, I really don't think anyone should mess in someone else's relationship/marriage. UNLESS, they ask your advice.
@checapricorn (16072)
• United States
21 Dec 08
[i]Hi zhu, wow...I admire the husband for staying after all these years...LOL! I would say No to your question....LOL! They've been living together for so long so, I am sure the husband is used already of his wife and maybe he is not listening to her anymore, just let her express whatever she thought and maybe after that, she will be fine! Maybe due to her age also...I know not every one acts like that.... Or maybe she just need to have some divertion, like do some volunteer job so that she will not always attack her husband for whatever reasons! LOL![/i]
• United States
21 Dec 08
Um no. They are your neighbors but unless they are close friends it will be not be taken well if you try to tell her that she needs to change. I don't want to say "mind your own business" but it's not your place to comment on their relationship. If its the fights that bother you than you can ask that they please be courteous and consider your comfort. Noone wants to hear their neighbors fight. Do not tell her that she needs to change. That's tooo touchy of a topic.