Does your husband stay out all night and never call?

United States
December 21, 2008 7:05am CST
My husband has been staying out all night lately. This is the third time he has done this. He never calls and says what he is doing or to let me know that he is not dead! I have a great idea now. I am going to put a keyless entry deadbolt on the door. I will program it for my code. If it is 10:00pm and he has not called I will change the code. I live in an apaartment now so I will have to use a "door chain" or push the couch on the door. I am going to tell him that if he is locked out, the only way to get back in, is to come back in 24 hours. His punishment for coming in the next day and not calling will be to sleep out side, in his car, or with his friends for 24 hrs. Now he will think about calling when it is 20 degrees outside and he is still in his nasty work clothes, and smells like a monkey. I am also in school right now and I do not work. I have been experiencing also a very hard time with my depressioin and axiety. My husband pays all the bills because usually I get fired for making mistakes at my jobs or cannot deal with anxiety provoking jobs! He works and I don't. I have to take the power away from him because he is abusive. I am starting a new job now and will tell him that I am going to pay all of the bills. It is going to be hard but I hate to be disrespected. I will also tell him that I don't need him financially. He is in my life as a campanion and that's it. I usually wash all of his clothes,cook everyday for him elaborate meals, and clean. He has not picked up a broom in five years. He did one time only because he was bored. He will now be responsible for washing, cooking and cleaning. I will make out a list of his responsibilities. I think that this will work if anyone has any other suggestions please email me at sabriya_2@hotmail.com
3 people like this
16 responses
@savypat (20248)
• United States
21 Dec 08
Sounds like it's time to grow up and you are well on your way, nobody needs the type of relationship you are talking about. Good luck to you.
• United States
21 Dec 08
why do you tell the writer to grow up it seems they are grown up. They are in a situation where they are asking for help hello children love unconditionally a grown up realises there are problems and try to find solutions for the problem which is what i see the writer trying to do. Farther more when you love some one as much as it seems this person loves their husband you are willing to work on problems no matter how big or small they are to you or those out side looking in.
• United States
21 Dec 08
ohh ohh i messed up i read that wrong please forgive me if i could delete the post i would darnit uggggg sooooooooooooooooooooooooorry
• United States
9 Jan 09
I think that is a good idea. If you keep reaching out, and he just will not be open with you, not giving you the respect you deserve as his partner, but also expects you to take care of him as his partner, then that is just unfair. I hope it worked out.
@4ofmyown (1124)
• United States
23 Dec 08
I can honestly say that if my husband ever did that I would freak!!! My first husband did that once...and only once! He had gone out said he would back at a reasonable time. Well, that time came and went and hours passed. I took the cushions off the couch took them in the bedroom with me and locked the bedroom door. Since we only had one room in our apt. he was stuck sleeping on the floor (which I am sure by that point he didn't care where he slept). My husband now just wouldn't do that. We have way too much respect for each other.
@tessah (6651)
• United States
22 Dec 08
if hes abusive and doesnt bother to come home at night.. that doesnt sound like much of a "companion" to me. idve kicked him to the curb after the second night of not bothering to come home.. cause ya know he found a bed SOMEwhere during the night. *nod*
• China
22 Dec 08
There must be something wrong with you two,if you do not find it out and handle it,the situation will go worse
• Canada
22 Dec 08
First of all you need to talk to him and if he does not want to talk about it, it is very probable that he is having an affair and you should kick him to the curb. You do not deserve to be treated that way. You are not being respected by him not calling and because he is being secretive you are husband and wife you should keep no secrets from eachother.
@yehudi (32)
• China
22 Dec 08
I have read your article. You leave me the image is that you are almost a Japanese housewife. You don't need to work, pay for food, etc. Your husband never do housework or cooking. What a Japanese family! Although you are not. Japanese housewife can obey their husband play with another sexy girl(s) after work. It's their culture! I am happy to see you will look for a job.
@sid556 (31031)
• United States
22 Dec 08
Having been married to a man who sounds much like your husband, I can tell you that your plan probably won't work. For one thing, he is not a child and so punishing him will only make him want to stay away even more and resent you more. If he is staying out all nite, he is probably either drinking with his buddies or has another woman. Either way, he'll just stay elsewhere. You need to get strong and take back your life. What you really should do is to visit your local woman's abuse center and talk to them. They are a tremendous help in helping to break free from such relationships and help you become independent. It is no wonder that you suffer depression and anxiety....you are living in an abusive situation. Councelling can help more than you can imagine & there are places that will offer these things based on income. Please don't do what you are thinking of doing. I fear that it will backfire on you and make your situation much worse.
@nixxi76 (3193)
• Canada
22 Dec 08
I'm not sure what goes on in a man's head and I will not begin to figure it out but by the sounds of it your husband needs to wake up and smell the coffee. What husband stays out all night unless they are working all night? Just because he pays the bills doesn't mean he can be mean to you! I think when you do get a job that suits your life without making you anxious or depressed and can pay the bills then that's going to show him that you can do it! I think that locking him out isn't going to help you though since he is paying for the house and stuff. He could ask you to leave, but I don't know. Good luck and stay in school because it will pay in the end.. Education is never a waist! Merry christmas
• United States
21 Dec 08
I don't think locking the door is a good idea. He pays for the place, and it's not just your house. I know you are upset with how he is treating you, but doing that stuff won't help. If he is abusive, you may just make him more angry and I don't think that is a good idea. It sounds like you want to leave anyways, and he doesn't listen to you. Do you not have anywhere else to go? I would think leaving would help open his eyes! It's up to you if you want to stay and put up with this, but I think leaving him is the only way he'd wake up. If you want to give him another chance and don't want to leave him, maybe try taking a break first. Is there anyone you can stay with until you can afford your own place? I hope so! Good luck!
@j47lee (743)
• Canada
21 Dec 08
hmmm..... by doing that u will be kind of pushing him away...u never know.. if u keep doing that.. u'll be pushing him into doing something u mite regret... maybe just ask him wat he is doing.. maybe he has an explanation for it... if he has a cell phone .. then call him and ask him where he is.... just sit down and have a good talk with him... ask him wat the problem is... workout ur problem if u want ur marriage to last.... i always call my hubby wen he is late coming home...
@smileonstar (4016)
• United States
21 Dec 08
hi, sound like you are strong enough to be on your own. I have almost the same problem like you... but the thing is he doesn't go out or sleep out at all. As we are a woman, we have to be strong and move on, dont look backward ... he wants you to wait for him on the road but if he acting like this, you should keep moving on and ignore him as much as you can; I know it is hard to do. what can you do if he stays with you, eat with you and sleep in the same bed with you? you have to start thinking about yourself more now and if you want to work thing out, you can also sit down and talk to him. I never get a great answer from my husband either but I have two kids that need my support and love so much, so I dont waste much time with him cuz of him mistake either. Everyday is just the same and the same... nothing change between him and he never know how much I tried and he never know how much I love him. but my love is over and he is just someone that depend on me and I just keep moving on with him. I wish you all the best and hope he will realized about his mistake.
• United States
21 Dec 08
I am not to sure you locking the door will teach him the lesson you want him to learn I believe he will go where ever he was untill he came home and seen the door locked. I think that you need to have a conversation with him and set limits for both of you to fallow. I can not tell you what he is doing but it can be either good or bad it is the christmas season he might be working an extra job to get you that christmas present you wanted that you couldnt afford. keep in mind that if you question him while angry it might not turn out well and your health issues may get worse so i suggest maybe have a 3rd party there so that you are calm and can listen to what he has to say as well as him being able to stay calm to hear what you have to say. Good luck on this i know its hard because i to have had this happened and it wasnt untill i talked to him that it changed
@GAUCI123 (1042)
• Malta
21 Dec 08
Well I think I will not tolerate my husband to go nights out, I will sure argue with him and will ask him to choose or me or nights out. He dosen't respect you, this is all and this is not a good relationship without respecting each other. Well try talking to him and tell him that you cannot tolerate these outhings anymore, try to figure out where he is going. Well regarding lock him out, I think it is a good idea so as to show him that you cannot tolerate his behavior. It is good for you to go working so as to start meeting people and get a social life, regarding bills and other expenses you have to talk with each other, you still work at home and not being paid, which means that he has some obligations to you. Good luck and hope you will reslove your problems with your husband, make this a new year resolution.
@jennysp8 (856)
• United States
21 Dec 08
It seems that he is cheating and instead of focusing on that and addressing that particular issue - you are thinking of ways to "play games" by placing a couch in front of the door. I don't mean to be rude I mean this with love...but you need to face the problem - not ignore it and make it worse... By not addressing the problems - cheating - abuse (either physical or mental) you are allowing yourself to be hurt. I am a woman and I myself have been cheated on and in one relationship - phyiscally abused. After the first time it happens - if it continues with you knowing about it then it is your fault for allowing it to happen. It was my fault for the abuse I suffered because I should have walked away sooner...this doesn't get the guy off the hook but as women we have to stand up for ourselves and take some responsibility for our lives. I hope that you are able to get yourself on your feet (financially and emotionally)...kick him to the curb or just one day up and walk out. Good luck!!!
@Fairygrl (349)
• United States
21 Dec 08
Hi Sabriya, Let me start off by saying i dont know how you can do it. Let a man run the show an not come home 3 nights in a row... In my opinion that only points to one thing.. (cheating) I know which is an awful feeling but stand up for your self. Men think it is ok to go an do what they want when they want. But if it was us we would be out scr*wing every tom, D*ck an larry. Sit down an find out whats going on...