from marriage to divorce

United States
February 8, 2009 11:50pm CST
I don't understand how some people can just not "get it". My marriage has not been good for some time. We have slept in different rooms for at least 2 years. We've not been happy for quite some time, at least I haven't and I honestly don't see how he could be. When you tell someone you love them and they don't respond or you try to kiss someone and they turn away, wouldn't you get the picture? With kids in the picture, it complicates things, but not as much as you would think. They know their dad has mental problems and that there are marital problems. The oldest one even asked if I had ever thought about divorce! I have made sure to never talk in front of them about anything like that, but this is a small house and I know they hear the fighting. He hasn't worked in 4 years due to his mental disability. We have also been living with my parents meaning my parents have been supporting his lazy butt! I have 3 part time jobs, 2 of which are my businesses. He has not done anything to support them, except for occassional yard work. I'm sorry, but these children don't need things occassionally, they need things daily. Food, toiletries, clothes occassionally, yes, but there are always daily needs. I just don't feel that it is fair that my parents and me continually support him and his family does nothing to help. I can't take the fighting anymore either. I haven't loved him in a long time if ever. I've always had a low self esteem problem and I think maybe I married him, because I loved the idea of being married and having a family. I know we definitely rushed in to it! This whole situation is so unfair to the kids. They are somewhat afraid of him, too, which really worries me. I don't know. But, I do know mentally he is a totally different guy than when we got married. I just want to wave my magic wand and it all be over! Unfortunately, my wand is in the shop!
1 person likes this
9 responses
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
9 Feb 09
I understand what you are saying, and so I don't quite understand what you mean when you say that some people just don't get it, but perhaps some people are blind to these things. My grandmother still doesn't understand why my parents divorced, and back then I, at 7 years of age, could clearly see why my mother should have left my father years earlier. Has your husband sought counselling or any kind of help at all? Because if there is no reason to think things will improve, and your children are slightly afraid of him, then I'm sorry to say, you would probably be better off getting divorced. I'd research first, though - you don't want him to be collecting alimony and living off of you, only in some other place so that it costs you more. He needs to get his own job and support himself.
• United States
10 Feb 09
everyone is in counseling already! I don't see how he could collect alimony off of me when all I make is $288 a month and my dad has been supporting us and I have the kids. I will be contacting legal aid tomorrow and see what I can find out.
9 Feb 09
Your situation is kind of difficult to have an opinion on, but for the sound of your wrting you are not happy at all neither is your family or kids. I know that divorce is never a good time of neither is separation when kids are in the middle, If that was me in your situation I will think the best for my kids and myself, it might be hard to make a desition but you have nothing to loose, oposite, you are loosing more each day, more lost of selfsteem and happiness. I separeted from my daughter's father a year ago and I know the ups and down, but belive me, woman have such big will and power that it can overcome many problems ahead,but one thing is, that you will always feel a lot happier away from the situation you have been putting up for long 4 years!!! I just wish the best for you and your kids, they deserve a lot better and happiness. dont you think? be brave girl, there is nothing worse than being unhappy and sad, and worst of all, your kids are seeing you like that, they also feel your pain.
• United States
9 Feb 09
i say get out before something bad happens i know u have low self esteem and scared to be alone but u need to get out or kick him out
@Anne19 (300)
• Philippines
9 Feb 09
Sometimes you have to choose between staying married just because it was suppose to be that way or collecting all your courage to say it's over. Nevertheless, don't let your pride and anger override your decision. Because sometimes we'll only realize how much we love our partner after we said goodbye. There are times we might wish to just suffer in silence just to be with them again. But then again it might be too late... I've been in that kind of situation before. I choose to call it quits and now it's been two years. Two long and lonely years for me, because I gave up the only man I'll love. Good luck to you and hope everything would be alright soon.
• United States
9 Feb 09
I feel no love for him anymore. I added a comment to the one that commented before you...you can go read it and maybe it will make sense..don't know. but, I have not loved him in years. I really think I loved the idea of having a husband and a a family, not knowing what I was really getting in to. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found out his parents met in a mental institution.
• United States
10 Feb 09
Annulment is always an option. I'm not sure if religions other than Catholicism do it, but you might want to look into that. I understand that you're Christian and against divorce, I am too, but this situation is causing more harm than good. Sorry but your husband sounds... no offense, but like he's ruining your life. Probably I'm not the best person to give advice because I've never been married, but I can't imagine being married to someone that selfish. Maybe you could give him an ultimatum. Tell him to get a job and change his ways or your leaving him. If you and your family are going to be supporting him for the rest of your lives, it's going to burden your whole family. It's better to be divorced than be in a harmful marriage. I think even God would agree... and in this case there's nothing wrong with divorce. I think it's only when people don't take marriage seriously and driven by their own desires is it a 'bad' thing.
@izathewzia (5142)
• Philippines
9 Feb 09
You are in a very hard situation. But you should not prolong it. Make the right decisions and act on it. Claim back your happiness and freedom. And make your children understand everything that they should in relation to the changes you wanna happen. Hope everything will turn out right for you and for your family.
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
9 Feb 09
I don't advocate divorce as a quick fix but in your case I believe from what you said that it's the only fix. I think you and your children have been through enough and you need to concentrate on what will make you and your children whole and happy again. I wish you nothing but happiness in the future!
@shifyole (38)
• India
9 Feb 09
Actually speaking your situation is highly troublesome and very much pathetic. according to me a husband and wife can any time divorce considering thier problems but not a mother and a father, because anytime it is the kids who are going to get affected. it is clearly seen that the first one has already got affected with such issues when he himself is asking you to apply for a divorce. parents should be an example to their kids. parents are the first teachers as well. i would suggest you to take your kids and part from him for a period of few months which will make him understand the importance of family.
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
9 Feb 09
Lisa, as you know, I have been in much that same situation and know how terribly difficult it is to drag on, day to day. Actually, although we are no longer married, my situation hasn't changed any, and isn't likely to any time soon. All I can tell you is to continue to lean on your faith and know that He will get you through. To be honest, I've been there more than once, and apparently I didn't learn my lesson. I have a 'giving' personality and I guess end up with those that 'need', but aren't capable of giving back. I won't advise you to go or stay because no one can answer that but yourself, but do know that I'm here ANY TIME you want to talk or just vent.
@cripfemme (7715)
• United States
9 Feb 09
I like it's normal to grow apart and grow up if you marry early. If it's really not working out (and you have no have no hope it will improve). I say get it over with now and get on with your lives. It'll be easier for your kids that way as well.