If you had a develomentally disabled child would you put them in a home?

@bhchy1 (6052)
United States
August 25, 2006 6:45pm CST
I have a child with Autism..my family thinks I should put her in a board and care faciltiy and get on with my life. I think he rlife is just as valuable as anyone elses...is society still this backwards?
7 people like this
77 responses
• Italy
25 Aug 06
I'm afraid it is, unfortunately. I say keep her with you. Sure, you must be strong and life probably won't be the easiest, but it's your child and you love her. It's not like a broken toy we just throw away. Loved ones are always loved ones, no matter what. Don't listen to your family, always listen to your heart and you'll be just fine. Your child will understand this gesture of love and be forever grateful.
14 Oct 06
You should keep her with you. If family members have their own issues about your child's autism then that's their problem. I have a child with disablilities and there is no way I could ever let him live anywhere else. When he was small I was still grieving for the loss of the child I thought I was getting and it was hard to see positives in the future but a few years down the line I wouldn't have it any other way. I can now clearly identify people who aren't worth the trouble of getting to know. On the other hand I have met some truly wonderful people who I would never have had the fortune to meet otherwise. My advice would be to try and get in touch with other parents of kids who are different, be it on line or in the flesh. It dispels the feeling of isolation and makes you feel stronger to discuss what you're feeling. You're main concern is yourself and your child. Other people's opinions in this situation are irrelevant. Really hope you find the answers xx
2 people like this
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
14 Oct 06
Thank you...I have be come involved with some on line groups of parenst with Autis,. Aspergers and NVLD's..3 families in particular I have become very close with, we have never met but havae been in contact on line for over 5 years..we talk outside of the froup now...Plus in my work I meet families with kid with varied challenges..so I have made some good connections where I live...No one can understand another families gried unless you have walked in their shoes...My goal is to teach them that their child is truly special and not at all replacable... It's good to hear you have found that with your child!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Aug 06
I know it's hard to go against your family but I don't think it matters what they want. I think what's important is for you and your child to be happy. If you need extra help and your family isn't willing, you can get respite care. I use to do respite care for a child that had spina bifida.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Dec 06
I am in the same boat as you honey , most people do not accept my son but the ones that do are very special people that can see beyond the disorder. Children are children , they deserve LOVE and unconditional.
@ossie16d (11827)
• Australia
16 Oct 06
You should do what you think is right for you and your child but take into consideration your husband/wife/partner as well as any other children you have. Your family probably think that the advice they are giving you is right but only you can decide that. The only thing I suggest is that you arrange some sort of respite care as this will benefit both you and your son. For you it will be a break and for him, he will get to know other people who will look after and care for him. Good luck and do what your heart tells you is the right thing. :)
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
Actually my child is a girl...it's ony a myth that Autism is a boy's disoder. As fro may family..my older adult daughter would take her sister in if something happened to me, she would not allow anyone to do any thing with her she is very protective of her younger sister. My SO..loves my daughter as his own... he sees her as enlightenment as she reminds us of the things we lose when we become adults...He accepts her as she is always has..if he didn't he would not be in our lives.
@ossie16d (11827)
• Australia
16 Oct 06
My apologies for mixing up the gender of your daughter. I was pleased to read that there will be someone to care for her if anything was to happen to you, which hopefully will be a very long way away yet.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
Let's hope so...don't worry about the mix up..it is a very common one.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Autism isn't all that bad as people may think it is. Kids with Autism are wonderful and I think your family needs to go on with their negatives and leave you alone about all this. I wouldn't even concider this. I don't understand why they feel this way because Autism isn't that bad. Kids today with Autism have lived happpy and healthy lives. Some Autism kids are very smart. They just have a different view on life then people without Autism.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Dec 06
Why does your family feel you should put her in a board and care facility? Are they thinking or your personal needs and life or the childs or both? Perhaps they are overwhelmed with the reality of autism and just want the problem to go away? I think what I am trying to suggest is if we understand why they are thinking this it might shed some light on things. I know a family ---a very loving and dedicated family ---who eventually needed to put their adult son into a residential facility because it was the best type of care they could provide for both themselves and their son. He had grown into a full adult in size yet had very limited thinking abilities, wandered frequently , and frequently got into situtations in which he could harm himself. This family was very dedicated for over 20 years at adapting their house and yard for his safety and for the parents safety yet as everyone was getting older this became more challenging. Ultimately they realized that they needed a solution and spent a long time looking for the best possible residential program. They would then visit their son in the eve and have dinner together or watch tv together etc.-----and he would come back home on weekends to stay with his family---so it was somewhat a middle of the road approach. This family was torn apart by this process yet ultimately found a good way to proceed. I know of families who did just the opposite-----they found a way to work different jobs so that they could hire extra helpers and pay for special things to keep the home safe and appropriate for all and managed very nicely at home---- I think this is a very individual situation and if the decisions are made based on what is best for the individauls and the collective family----with much research and time to consider options-----you'll be okay. I worry about someone who just wants to put the "problem person" away for someone else to take care of----this seems very sad. In the family I described who had their son live in a residential facility----they never considered him any less a member of the family and stayed very connected and involved with each other---they just knew they needed some extra help-----in the building and people resources. But they sustained their family ------as best they could in this fashion---
• United States
17 Dec 06
I am with you , your child is just as important as anyone else on this planet. These children are special and in most cases very very smart. people do not give them enough credit. My son has an Autism Spectrum Disorder and I have been told his whole life that he needs to be in a home and i WILL NOT do it. he is my child and i love him with every fiber in my being. I will care for him for eternity if i have to. Kudos to you ! Hang in there!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Nov 06
I have a grandson with autism and he is one of the most important people in my life. He has been hard, he has been easy but so are all children, aren't they? I learn more from him than from many or most adults I know. Is your child so hard to handle that you cannot care for her yourself? Is she violent or a danger to herself or other people in your family? There is respite help for you for breaks etc. and you could get some info. on this from the Autism association in your city. There is so much out there now to help with caring for children with autism. If you want her to stay at home, keep her at home. Don't listen to any one else. You are the mother and she is your child. I do think, though, that you need help caring for a disabled child. The Autism Association can also give you info. on parent groups, play groups for her and lots of other things. Everyone who has a child with special needs needs help at times. Please find this for yourself and your child. Good luck and do what YOU feel is right for you and for her.
@BLesseDmiN (1072)
• Singapore
2 Oct 06
I started volunteering since the age of 16 and have always enjoyed working with children with special needs... my volunteering experience has also kinda paved my career choice and i am now working with children with Special Needs as well as conducting training for parents. I know that many people will say that it is different when you have to face a child with special needs 24/7 and just working with them for just twice a week.. But to be honest, i will not trade my job for anything else in the world cos by the grace of God, i've grown to love the children that i work with as my own.. everyone of them are special and unique in their own ways.. and when you look beyond their disabilty, there are lots of things that they can offer.. I've learnt to give thanks even in the slightest improvement i see in a child.. a hug from an autistic boy is enough to make my day.. There are lots of things that your child can do if you're willing to invest the time and effort to work with her.. i believe that the society is evolving and there is HOPE that she can become independent just like any other children. All children are like sponge.. they will absorb what you teach them.. no doubt that the challenge of teaching a child with Special Needs is definitely higher, but the satisfaction that you will derive from it will also be greater.. And you're right to say that her life is just as valuable as anyone else's life.. and she deserves that CHANCE to lead a normal life as much as possible... and i know that she will have that chance cos she has a loving mother like you who is willing to invest the time and effort in helping her to grow =)
1 person likes this
@JoyfulOne (6242)
• United States
1 Oct 06
Bless you bhchy1, you sound like a wonderful mother loving your child so much, and wanting to do what's 'right.' Always remember 'what's right' in your book will never be the same 'right' for another person. Only you can make the decision that is right for your heart and your situation. I worked in a home for mentally disabled men for a good while (and I have relatives that are mentally disabled/challenged, too.) The staff was all great with these guys, patient, and understanding with their different stages of mental disabilities. The biggest limit to your child would be that the special feeling of love, hugs, and daily interaction with a loving adult parent would be missing. It takes a lot of time, energy and patience to care for a child like that and not every one is mentally, or physically, equipped themselves to handle it alone. You have to weigh all the factors by yourself, and for yourself. One thing I might suggest is checking out to see if your area has a sheltered workshop. Our guys went to one each and every day (weekends & holidays & vacations off.) This helps them get out into the world some, and learn about all kinds of things...from getting along and acceptable behaviour with others, to learning how to do simple tasks based on their own ability at the time. In my area of town (out in the country) a special bus comes by to pick them up at their door right from their parents house. I suggest this because it's hard being a caregiver. For one, you need a break here and there while still knowing that he is under proper care and supervision. Unfortunately, all caregivers will get old someday, become ill, or just badly need a break. The sheltered workshop for our area has social workers, and all kinds of help to give the parents: financial, emotional, and otherwise. It might be good for you to check out these resourses just in case you ever need them along the line so that they will already be familiar with your particular case and can help you if you ever do decide you need it. Hope this information might help a little. Bless you on your journey!
1 person likes this
@ebberts (786)
• United States
26 Aug 06
Follow your heart. I commend you for putting your child first. It is your family's loss. children like your son although disabled have a lot to give. My first born is disabled, he has Cerebral Palsey. I understand how you feel. However my family is great with him and have allways excepted the person he is. He is wonderfull and you'll never find anyone any kinder or with more love to give. He enjoys life very much, and we a blessed to have him. Putting him in a home has never been an option, God gave him to us to care for. I don't know what I would do without him. And I hope I never have to. I hope your family comes around, People are scared of things they don't have knowledge of. Good Luck. and God Bless you and yours.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Aug 06
I hope you find a way to deal with this. I am a mother and I can't say. I just wish you and you child the best of luck. This is something you need to search your heart and sole. Think of your life now and your daughters and You will know what is right. Good luck to you and god bless.
1 person likes this
@Sunset50 (1397)
• United States
25 Aug 06
Love your child and keep her with you as long as you can. You can also get a personal assistant for her if you are in the US, so you can get some time away for yourself. But if it does become too much, don't feel guilty if you would change your mind and place her in a good facility. I know they have some that are day care only according where you live. You have lots of options.
1 person likes this
@deitzy (381)
• United States
25 Aug 06
society is pretty messed up...just because someone has a disability doesnt mean the should b treated or considered any different
1 person likes this
@sherinek (3323)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I am also very sorry to hurt your feelings. But I personally feel that it is so much better for the child to grow up with kids of similar nature. Also, since they have developed the environment to suit the needs of kids with special needs, your daughter is better off there. You are not doing this to get on with your life but for the better ment of your child. So, if you have such feelings, come over those and do this for your child not for yourself. Good Luck.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
You have not hurt my feelings...My home is the right environment for her, she will have to learn to live in this world among neuro typical people..she won't learn that being warehoused with like children and most of those places are abusive towards the children. There are only a handful of very good ones and they are costly...She stays with me.
@sherinek (3323)
• United States
18 Oct 06
I support you 100% in that case. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jan 07
just wanted to add to sher , as i understand a lot of places being well equipped to care for chldren in extreme cases.. i think that its actually better off for them to be around "typically developing" children, as children both autistic and "normal" tend to learn by example.
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I would do what was best for the child. I have a good friend who went through this delima. He cared for the child, who was so severly disabled that he was like taking care of an infant. He cared for him at home until the child was around 18 years old. At that time, it became more of a challenge than my friend could handle. It almost killed him but he did put him in a facility. He visits him often and now admits that he really did do what was best. Both he and the child are much better off.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I could never do that..she is a girl and much higher functionaing than many, so I don't think it will ever be an issue. Your friend had to be very strong to have that courage.
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
16 Oct 06
It almost killed him. There are times still when it really bothers him and it's been several years since he did it. I really feel for him.
15 Oct 06
I’d hope if I had such a child my family would be supportive, it’s ironic the situation you mentioned as it’s currently being played out in a soap here in England. (I know a soap, but still, it gets the message out) It documented the initial struggle of the mother to accept the child; it had down syndrome. One of the family members was insistent she be put into care, I couldn’t ever imagine having that approach.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
15 Oct 06
Lately I have noticed more programs on TV bringing in an autistic child in some episdoes..so mabe if it gets out into the public more, they will be more understanding..20 years ago most people with a child with Autism have them institionaized...parents are more pro-active these days..
15 Oct 06
There was one I regulary watch and was a kids show "Grange Hill" documenting school life really, doubt you ever heard of it, they've tackled several issues over the years really, it's about forty years old. Though for the past four/five years or so an austic child has been one of the main characters and I can definitely say I gained more of an understanting from that than reading about it could ever give. It must be rather hurtful to hear those comments from members of family though.
• United States
4 Nov 06
I WOULD SAY NO THIS IS UR CHILD AND GET ON WITH UR LIFE THIS CHILD IS YOUR LIFE THERE IS NO CHOICE I HAVE A LIL GIRL WHO HAD A STROKE DUE TO HER BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ABUSE SHAKEN BABY SHE ONLY HAS HALF HER BRAIN SHE HAS CP AND HAS MULTIPLE DISABILITIES I THINK OF HER AS MY OWN I HAVE HAD HER SINCE SHE WAS 9 MOS OLD AND SHE IS NOW 5 ..I WOULD NOT PUT HER ANYWHERE.. THEREIS NO CHOICE THIS IS YOUR CHILD GOD CHOOSES SPECIAL CHILDREN FOR SPECIAL PEOPLE
• United States
20 Nov 06
I'm sorry your lil girl had to go through having Shaken Baby Syndrome. That is a condition that affects far too many children & is 100% preventable. You are a very admirable person to stand by her & take on those parental responsibilities that her biological parents obviously could not handle. And YOU ARE her Mommy. No matter if she was born to different people. You are raising her and doing right by her. :)
@loved1 (5336)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I just don't think I could do that to my child. There is help out there for you! Seek respite care and make sure you are taking time for yourself. Being a parent is hard enough when the child does not have disabilities. My heart goes out to you!
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
Thank you.. I do get respite and other services for her.
@Kbriscall (191)
• United States
16 Oct 06
regardless of what your child disablilites are, she is your child. I would go on doctors recommendations, not your family. The doctor knows best. If you can care for the child then she should stay with you, if the doc says she would be better off in a facility then she she go. but it isn't about what is best for you, it's what is best for the child.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
Thank you..
@marciascott (25554)
• United States
16 Oct 06
That's too bad God will make away for you!
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I now work with other families with kids with special needs..I don't think I would be doing this if not for my daughter..