Have you and your child ever hidden facts from your spouse?

India
February 24, 2009 12:50am CST
Next Thursday is my son’s annual maths exam. Mother and son are just genius when it comes to maths and we somehow manage to pull it off each year, after a lot of ups and downs (read flunk) throughout the year. No different this time either and in his preparatory 15 marks exam last Friday, he managed to get just 1½. Now the teacher wrote the marks in such a way that a cursory look will make the 1 look like 7 so that anybody just looking thru will read it as 7½ on 15, which is just the pass marks. When we came home with the copy, I as usual was cool about it but we both were worried about Daddy dear…you see his Daddy’s greatest contribution is to check the marks and comment accordingly with all his sincere emotions. So I thought it best not to tell Daddy about this…after all the finals are only a week away and I don’t want Daddy to get to emotional on this failure and destroy whatever calmness I am trying to instil in this genius son of mine so that on D-Day he stays calm enough to concentrate and think! And if Daddy asks, I’ve told sonny to say that he got 7½ on 15 so that Daddy would just be OK with it! Have you ever done such a thing…I am not really encouraging my son to lie to his Dad but I don’t think coming clean would have been better this time.
4 people like this
15 responses
@dpk262006 (53689)
• Delhi, India
24 Feb 09
No, normally it has not happenend with me. It is I who normally go and attend parents' meeting in school and whatever teachers tell me about my son, I immediately disclose the same to his mother, because she remains more concerned than me, about his studies. I think if you hide the facts from your hubby and one day the same gets disclosed by chance, they you will be in an embarassing position and may be in a soup. You may tell your hubby, he may be disheartened or may feel angry, but hopefully, that will be temporary and he will come to terms soon. Best of Luck!
1 person likes this
• India
24 Feb 09
thnx Deepak. As you can understand, we are not in a very relaxed mood right now and since I am his teacher and guide at home, my tension is no less. I just don’t want to disturb the concentration and calmness which is more essential at exam time than the actual hours spent studying. I will tell my hubby later, after the exams are over and we may all three have a laugh over it, but right now, I want to negative emotions at home.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (53689)
• Delhi, India
24 Feb 09
I can understand your position and appreciate your idea, it will perhaps be better not to disturb the atmoshphere at home, at this juncture, you may tell about it to your hubby, later on. Only thing is you need to conceal his answer sheet.......LOL! All the best for final exams of your son.
1 person likes this
@zhuhuifen46 (3486)
• China
24 Feb 09
My daughter in law is very sensitive to fast food, which she never eats, and does not wish her son to have. Except in one case, when my grandson was ill, and did not feel like to eat anything, she tried to offer the burger, but did not arouse any appetite for the sore throat. Once I witnessed something to my surprise. The son was reminding his dad the paper box of the burger was still in the car, when he was driving to pick up his wife then in the hair dresser's. I noticed so swiftly was the box hidden in a plastic bag. That might be something going on in many families.
1 person likes this
• India
24 Feb 09
Oh yes, I‘m sure father and son are enjoying a burger or two behind the mother’s back. You see, as parents we enforce so many of our own likings and dislikings on our children without any logic that it really helps when the other parent understands and tries to be lenient within a limit. I remember my own childhood was spoilt in the same sense that my mom abhors street food and in school I used to hear of friends going out in the evenings with their moms and having this and that and I used to feel so bad about it.
@Sreekala (18782)
• India
24 Feb 09
Hi Sudipta, I have not done such thing upto this time and I will share ups and downs about my son eventhough sometimes he requested me to not to tell his father. The reason is, he is only 7 years old and if I support him to hide the things it may be turn a wrong way in future. So I prefer to face the worst things. Normally he is not bad at marks so most probably some other issues may arise like your situation. But I won't blame you and understand you why you did the same. Don't worry we all are not genius on all issues. But please find a solution for the same and it will be better (to seek help from proficient people) and give him a better and strongest base. Best of luck.
• India
25 Feb 09
Yes, I am thinking of giving him professional help. But you know teachers these days are professionals first and teachers later. The going rate for class 5 is about Rs. 1000/- p.m for 1hr of tuition for three days per week at home! What will he learn in three days and on other days, when he is stuck, who’s to help him? I can of course send him to coaching classes which would be cheaper but I doubt any improvement there. Let’s see, we’ll have to decide on something.
• India
25 Feb 09
Yes, I am thinking of giving him professional help. But you know teachers these days are professionals first and teachers later. The going rate for class 5 is about Rs. 1000/- p.m for 1hr of tuition for three days per week at home! What will he learn in three days and on other days, when he is stuck, who’s to help him? I can of course send him to coaching classes which would be cheaper but I doubt any improvement there. Let’s see, we’ll have to decide on something.
1 person likes this
@Sreekala (18782)
• India
25 Feb 09
I agree with you Suidpta, now people are taking tuition for making a handsome earning and not bothered about the students whether they study or not. I also sent my child for tuition (2-3 months only) but the very first day I realized that the lady does not know anything. I told very clearly that I have problem in teaching Hindi (sometimes) so that is why I prefer to be a North Indian teacher (I thought that she must be proficient in Hindi as it is their regional language). But she was teaching blunders in English, EVS and Maths. I don’t like to hurt her or disrespect her so I told her that please concentrate on Hindi only but no vain finally I stopped his tuition. Actually she was poor in English and when it comes with story sums in maths she could not understand the same and calculating wrongly. I provided a tuition teacher for him because I don’t have enough time to spend with him (I have a small kid too) but this adds my work (concentrate his studies including the lessons what he learned from the tuition teacher, re-writing the mistakes). I have consulted with my friends and everybody have the opinion that never rely them at all. For your son, I think it will be better if you ask the opinion from his teacher and if they can provide some extra care, it will be wonderful. So please arrange a meeting and do the needful soon.
• United States
25 Feb 09
My son is also a math genius, and for the life of me I don't know where he got that part of his brain from. I can't do math unless there is a dollar sign, decimal, or a % off included in the problem :) and his dad....well....we won't go there. My son was scoring an A for Advanced at the last parent teacher meeting about 4 weeks ago. I just got his mid term progress report and he is down to a B for Basic. He completely skipped the P for proficient mark and is now considered to be struggling. I went straight to my husband with the issue because I felt that it needed both of our interventions to ensure he wouldn't slip further behind. After we both spoke with him we realized it was the method the school was teaching him to use to do the types of math they are working on that was the problem. We showed him a different way to do it and now he is back on track. But I guess it depends on your situation. If his dad isn't going to look at the situation positively and his involvement will only cause your son more stress then I wouldn't tell him either. But you might want to think about the long run here. If your son doesn't manage to pull off a passing grade his dad is going to realize that he was lied to, and your son being a child will probably retort with...But mom told me not to tell you...then that could land the both of you in hot water.
• India
26 Feb 09
Umm, you might have a point there…as it is he is pretty tense right now regarding the finals and anything and everything I say comes with a blank look and then the retort ‘you are always accusing me…’. you know Cyn, somewhere along the way I think I am losing my boy…maybe I am being hypersensitive, maybe its his hormones (he will be 10 this July), maybe its friends at school…whatever it is, I cant put a finger on it but as a nervous mom, I have to admit that I am scared of what his reaction would be. Its not a continuous reaction, mostly he is OK and normal, but scratch a little and out comes the devil from within and I am just taken aback. Shouting back isn’t the solution, though I am again confused as to whether this soft-peddling would do him any good at all, talking firmly and setting goals and conditions aren’t helping either…he seems to be pre-determined in his reaction and that is not to cooperate. Only a lot of love and cuddling and the occasional secret pact act like a balm on this very painful and turbulent condition. So I tried this out…it was like our secret pact against Dad, we both laughed about it and he was very relaxed but focussed on the fact that since mom is on his side, he would do his best in the finals to bail mom out! Situation remains static on this as of now…later on I would tell my hubby the facts but for now, I do hope Cyn that I am doing the correct thing. Your further inputs, if any, are very welcome.
• United States
26 Feb 09
After finals are over I suggest you try talking to your son. He knows the reason for his behavior and maybe after this stress is lifted off of him he will be more inclined to tell you. I know even myself, when I have something weighing on my mind I snap at anybody who I perceive even looks at me the wrong way. If during your talk he mentions the names of kids at school you can pretty much bet that they have a hand to play in the way your son is acting and I would do what you could to limit his time with those kids. I know with my son when I questioned why he was doing and saying certain things he said..."but Nathan this....and Nathan that." It took me going to the school half way through the year and getting my son switched to a different classroom where Nathan couldn't be an influence. If your son doesn't seem to know why he is acting this way honestly and not him just hiding something from you then you could probably sum this behavior up to his newly budding hormones and an over abundance of testosterone. There is little to be done if that is the culprit. My son speaks with a "counselor" (which is just a generic term for a therapist) every week for an hour. It really has helped him. Maybe see if something like that is available for your son as well. Good luck, and please let me know how this all turns out for you.
• India
2 Mar 09
Hi Cyn, Sorry for being late in responding. Well, I have had similar experiences about ‘Nathan this…Nathan that’ since std II. The first time this happened, I blamed that boy and even spoke to the teacher and the seats were changed accordingly to comfort my son. However, it happened the next year and this year too…every time there’s some different boy who becomes my son’s imagined monster and is always (supposedly) causing him much trouble. Last year, he was pestering me to go to the school again (as pervious year) but I put my foot down. I do believe my son is really at fault here for not handling situations properly…I mean it cant be that every year there’s some boy picking up on him all the time! And even if that happens, he should learn to stand up for himself. He has not taken it too kindly but I am not interfering this time. Really Cyn I’m tired of all these exams and related studies…tomorrow is the vernacular and on Thursday is Maths…God knows how many days more but definitely not earlier than end of March…I think I need a break more than him. Let’s see, when we are in a more relaxed mood, we’ll talk. BTW, previously when I had such heart-to-heart discussions with him, he admits that he gets angry too fast and that its not correct to speak in that manner but he just does not know how to control his anger. …my responses are so long, thnx for taking time to read, but I really enjoy opening up to you.
@GreenMoo (11842)
28 Feb 09
I'm not sure I approve of encouraging the kids to fib, but allowing them to lie by ommission is something I occassionally stoop to if it means a more peaceful home life. I always tell them they can blame me if they're found out though! Good luck to your son in the real exam. Sounds as if calm and encouragement will do your son far more good than nagging! Mums know best :-)
• India
2 Mar 09
Thnx so much for your encouragement and support I need all I can more than my son
@cupkitties (6702)
• United States
25 Feb 09
All parents do the hiding details from the other parents if anyone wants to admit to it or not. When I was a kid I remember going places with my dad and sometimes he'd buy me some candy and one time after a dentist appointment he treated me to a chocolate shake. Not something that would have happened if mom were there because she would have flipped out.
• India
26 Feb 09
Thnx for agreeing on this. I would of course tell my hubby later when the situation is less tense but sometimes I do feel if one parent acts more like a friend with a child (you know, how children like to hide facts from adults) in the long run it might just create a special bond between the two which might ultimately be beneficial.
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
25 Feb 09
sorry, i dont agree with you... i do agree that i wouldnt want to make the father upset, and in turn makes my child too upset and loose concentration on his exam, but if it was me... i would just come clean and tell my husband about it myself - dont let my son near the father when i do, tell the father not to be upset 'coz he'll upset the son.. and tell him that the child is doing is best and only wants to hear encouraging words not lectures for the upcoming exam.. nags and lectures are definitely not good at these last minutes before the exam.. i know the feeling of not wanting to upset both the father and the child, but i dont think i will resort (to teach my child) to lying to the father... it might tend to happen again.. you'll surely find someother situation where you'd find it is just 'safer' to lie than to come clean... and it may become a dangerous habit and not good lesson to teach a child.. that's my thought on this.. cheers !!
• India
26 Feb 09
I know I am walking a double-edged sword on this. I have tried the way of telling my hubby separately but invariably later at some other time, maybe the dinner table or next evening, when father and son are having a chat, daddy will spill the beans and though he doesn’t mean to, his disappointment and worries do get across to the child. me of course is always there to salvage the situation but right now, with maths, I did not want my son to become more upset. I will of course tell my husband later, but that will be after the exams are over and the results are out and we three can have a laugh on this.
@salonga (27973)
• Philippines
25 Feb 09
Well, I think you have good reasons for hiding that fact from him. I understand! In my case, my son and I have not hidden any fact from my spouse so far. We have no situation of that sort so far but probably given the same circumstances I also would do the same as yours.
• India
26 Feb 09
Thnx for understanding. You see, to deal with children in difficult times, sometimes we adults need to become children too and I feel I am trying to do just that. I want to be more of a friend and try and relax him just before the exams than a parent.
@neha2k94u (408)
• India
24 Feb 09
Well me and my father used to hide certain things from my mom, And i was a very great pleasure doing so...
• India
24 Feb 09
Thnx for responding
• India
13 May 10
In my family there is no hiding at all, my kids are grown up and we talk share things like friends, but i recollect some thing about a friend, he used to get very low mark in school, he will manipulate the writings on the report card, he was caught too... Thanks for sharing. God bless you. Cheers. Prof
@SViswan (12095)
• India
7 Mar 10
:) My mother has never done that and neither have I. My mother avoided mentioning such things to my dad (but I have a suspicion that she would tell him when they were alone). As far as my son and I go (btw, he is being homeschooled now) I've never encouraged him to blatantly lie to his dad (it would be pretty bad for both of us if dad found out). But yes, I also follow the policy of it's better that he doesn't know and hide things by not mentioning it. I'm sure your son and you can laugh about this little decept when he is older...it's harmless and your intention wasn't bad (though I still think asking him to say it was a 7 and a half wasn't the right move)
@daliaj (5689)
• India
8 Apr 09
This is a very good question. I have seen this many times and wondered how this happen. I can't hide something from my husband on an understanding with my son. I have come across this situation once. My school mate's Dad got a shock when he came to school one day for a meeting, talked with the teacher and found that his daughter is doing pooor in sutides. He was working in Dubai and his wife and daughter gave him the impression that his daughter has the 1st rank in class. Poor man! He was very angry when he came to know the truth. I wonder how people can do like this. The same thing happned with my room mate. She is 26 and in love with a guy from another religion. His parents don't want her to marry from another religion. Her mother knows the affair. She and her mother is hiding it from her father because he doesn't like it. I don't know how it is possible. I can't hide issues regarding my kids from my husband. I will share it with him, discuss with him and come to a good decision. Thank you for responding to my discussion.
@checapricorn (16072)
• United States
24 Mar 09
H[i]i sudip, I have no kids but If ever I am in the same situation, I will be doing what is best and I don't see anything wrong with that, maybe just follow him every night so he can study and review or ask daddy to tutor him![/i]
@riyasam (16582)
• India
23 Mar 09
i donot think i have concealed anything from my hubby but we ,donot celebrate hindu rituals like holi.(we are christians)but my daughter of 6 years loves to play with water and so asked me whether she can play with her friends.seeing her enthusiasm,i relented but my hubby doesnt know.i will tell him later when the mood is right.
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
25 Feb 09
sorry, i dont agree with you... i do agree that i wouldnt want to make the father upset, and in turn makes my child too upset and loose concentration on his exam, but if it was me... i would just come clean and tell my husband about it myself - dont let my son near the father when i do, tell the father not to be upset 'coz he'll upset the son.. and tell him that the child is doing is best and only wants to hear encouraging words not lectures for the upcoming exam.. nags and lectures are definitely not good at these last minutes before the exam.. i know the feeling of not wanting to upset both the father and the child, but i dont think i will resort (to teach my child) to lying to the father... it might tend to happen again.. you'll surely find someother situation where you'd find it is just 'safer' to lie than to come clean... and it may become a dangerous habit and not good lesson to teach a child.. that's my thought on this.. cheers !!