Do you use letters (or e-mail) writing to deal with difficult conversations?
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
April 17, 2009 10:33am CST
I think I need to get some things off my chest with my sister.
We had a bit of a "heart to heart" a few days ago. We talked about a few things that we needed to talk about, but truly it was just the tip of the iceberg I think.
Generally, I avoid talking about certain things with her, because it's usually a waste of time, to be quite frank.
And even though I know it will probably be a waste of time, I still feel like I need to follow up on some things that we talk about.
See, the thing is, I can't just avoid her.
Even if I could, I probably wouldn't.
I do love her.
I actually enjoy her company much of (if not most of) the time.
But, our personalities just clash.
We've had a few clashes over the years, and along the way, I've learned to ignore certain things at times and avoid certain things other times.
Generally, she rants, and I listen. We also have another sister and a brother.
My other sister basically takes the same approach. She lets her rant and avoids confrontations until she gets to the point where she just can't tolerate it any more, then they have a confrontation.
Anyway, the reason I'm feeling that I need to pursue it this time, is because my father is getting older and he has some issues. We both help him out when we can and we both try to coordinate what needs to be done.
The problem is...she's the older sister and I think she is stuck in wanting to be in "the boss" role. That just doesn't work for me.
I've had this feeling for quite a while that she just wasn't happy with certain things that I haven't been doing. Well, the other day she finally said it out loud. Because I asked. Although I knew it, I was still a bit stunned (and a little angry) by her answer.
She seems to think that although I "do stuff" I don't do enough of the "important things". This is just something that I can't let go right now.
I'm thinking the best way to do this is through e-mail. My logic is that in e-mail I can cover everything that I need talk about without getting sidetracked, cut off, or too emotional.
Do you think sometimes it's best to communicate it writing?
Have you ever used this method to sort things out with someone or are you more of a face to face kind of person?
3 people like this
10 responses
@katkat (2378)
• Philippines
18 Apr 09
What a predicament to get into, especially a family affair. I could somehow relate to that.
With regards to the e-mail/writing, I do resort to that most of the time. I'm more comfortable in sending e-mail than having to confront them. Usually I ask my friend for advice by sending e-mail and vice-versa. I find it convenient since you can reach them than by having to set a day to meet them which is most of the time they lack.
In writing I think people are more sincere and honest to themselves and especially the recipient. So if you're comfortable to send an e-mail feel free to do so.
The most important thing is to break that barrier between the two of you whether by means of technology or the conventional way which is the one on one conversation.
Good luck!
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
18 Apr 09
Hello miamilady. I think that it is a good idea to use email for communication to avoid further clash between each other if one finds it hard to speak out face to face. Well, I have not had such an issue yet and I don't expect to have one. I have two elder siblings and we get along with one another when whatever case needs to be discussed. In fact, we are good friends as well and we respect one another a lot. I wish you smooth in dealing with this matter, my dear friend.
1 person likes this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
22 Aug 09
This is one of my favorite postings by you. Simply being, because although it is so straightforward, it is also so complex--due to the very subject matter. Because let's be frank, there are very few experts on communication--and I've studied it a lot academically, and still I err regularly, and see so many faux pas on a regular basis (how do you say "faux pas" in the plural? hmmm...) as well.
There's no easy way--I guess it's circumstantial and depends on the individuals involved. Sometimes an attempt at simply dialogue (person to person on the telephone or typed) blows up in your face, and sometimes even our attempts at objective writing (if we're truly even trying to be objective) fail miserably as the reader reads an unintended tone into the wording. We can only try. That being said, I surmise that USUALLY a calm person to person conversation avoiding "you statements" tends to work out the best. USUALLY.
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
17 Apr 09
I will resort to emails or hand written letters for the same reason you have. It's just better for me because if I get side tracked or interrupted I lose everything I have rehearsed to say lol so yes I would rather email or write the letter.
1 person likes this
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
17 Apr 09
Hi Miami - GEEZ I WISH I WAS IN MIAMI RIGHT NOW!!!
Yes, I do use writing as a means to communicate... especially if the subject will lead to hurt feelings, anger, resentment, etc. Well, I have, in the past, used writing to express love and friendship - but only because I am a very emotional person.
I also use the writing to vent but sometimes don't mail the letter or send the email. I've found that this helps me get things off my chest... like a trusted friend who will just listen to my ranting and raving without injecting opinions... You know? Sometimes, you just have to let it all out and rant and rave. Unmailed letters serve this purpose for me.
I feel that writing helps you choose your words carefully to avoid heartache, it allows complete thoughts to be expressed without being interrupted, and it most definitely keeps you on the subject without going off in different directions. This helps you address, and hopefully, resolved one issue at a time.
For the receiving party of my letters, I figure this allows that person time to obsorb and process the thoughts that I've expressed. It allows that person to go from first reaction, whether it be anger & pain or gratitude to the last reaction of a rational adult who hopefully wants to meet me in the middle!
1 person likes this
@Jae2619 (1483)
• United States
26 Apr 09
I can feel you to a point on the whole she's the older sister and doesn't feel you are giving it your all. My Mom is 70, and has had a hard life and is in need of help now, and I live 1100 miles from her and can't do the things that she needs done so my sister has to go and do those things. We have other siblings but they are an hour away and work a full time job and find it hard to get to her for the simple but important things. Getting her groceries from time to time, making sure she's at her doctor's appointments, and so on. While at home for christmas, my sister and I had a heart to heart about things like this as well, it was a very hard talk, but I felt that what I said meant nothing to her, so after I returned home, I sat down and emailed her how i felt and what I felt I needed to say that didn't get said. It seemed to go over pretty good. She said she didn't truely understand because she was only hearing what she wanted to hear, but by reading what I wrote she said the true effect hit her. She was upset at first by it, but after reading it again, she said it sunk in. So this may be your only way of getting everything you want and need to say off your chest to her. It may upset her, and cause conflict for a little while, but at least you can be at peace with yourself, and that's what means the most. Best of luck!
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
19 Apr 09
the best way is face to face, the reason is there is an exchange, back and forth, it may not always be pleasant but two people get to say what they feel
letter writing is good because as you say you get all your words out without being interrupted, but there are some issues with that way,
1 - you don't know what the other person things or will react, they may be so angry they don't respond and you will never know why
2- If they misunderstood something you said and took it the wrong way you will not know if they don't respond and so you will not have a way of fixing it.
open communication requires a back and forth exchange, you don't have that in letter writing, you don't have a guarantee the other person will write back.
as a therapist I try to get all my discussions out in the open face to face or at least by telephone,
I use email writing for cyber friends.
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
18 Apr 09
I do use letters and gmail in difficult situations. In fact, I prefer to email to direct conversation. Somehow email can avoid direct conflict especially in difficult situations. I take to email because while writing, I can be more focused and less emotional because the thoughts get processed. Besides, unless I am very very angry, the tone in the email is less detectable. Hence, I prefer the written modes of communication in dealing with difficult conversations, especially if the other party refuses to speak to you.
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
18 Apr 09
I concur with you on this one! And just to "cya", I would print a copy of it before sending! There are many times, in the past, that letter writing has been far more effective, than a telephone conversaton, OR a face-to-face! And the other nice thing, you can take the time to edit, so that your point/opinion is worded correctly, not offensive, but firm! And I feel that it is totally correct in this situation! Have a great weekend...and Cheers!
@celticeagle (159102)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Apr 09
Avoidance isn't good. I think any means of communication that works for you is a good thing. You need to get feelings out and journaling them is healthy. Whether you actually send them to her or not is an entirely different thing. Let her be in the boss role. If that is what she needs to feel good. You need to get these things out. DO IT! I used to use this form [just writing it out] to communicate with my ex because he would not always listen. I really believe that journalling and just getting down on paper [or email form] is very healthy. So do it even if you decide not to send it to her. It is good for you!
