~Why do Women stay in abusive relationships?~

@Glow1971 (354)
Spain
May 4, 2009 9:29pm CST
I am an avid news junkie and I watch and read the news any chance I get just to see what's going on in this crazy world. I am appalled at how many women are abused by their husbands/boyfriends. So many women are manipulated into believing that they are loved by these monsters but are beaten by the man that supposedly love them with all their hearts. I remember when I lived in an apartment building. Below my apartment lived a young couple with their baby. I didn't know them but you would know when they were there because of their fights. Everytime there was a problem, I picked up the phone and called the police. I didn't live there for long but I dont regret ever calling the police. At times I wanted to go downstairs and beat him up! You could hear her baby crying as this Evil person did his deed. I wonder what happened to them and if she ever found the courage to leave the swine. I don't believe any woman goes into a relationship expecting to be abused,however, there must be certain clues to watch for that signal the beginning of abuse. This nonsense needs to be stopped and we as humans need to make sure that our future daughters, nieces and all females in this world are educated on this subject so they can take the necessary steps to leave these creeps who try to manipulate and abuse them. Does anyone know of any clues that a woman can look for in a man for potential abuse? How should a female handle her abuser? Any experiences will be greatly appreciated. Please Share. Please Note: This post is not intended to offend or embarass anyone and if I have I apologize in advance but that is not my intention. I myself was never physically abused but I know of many people who were mentally and physically abused and manipulated and if I can help just one woman with this post than I'm going for it!
2 people like this
15 responses
@Tonton01 (235)
• Philippines
5 May 09
Cause they'd rather stay with a him than date a nice guy...
1 person likes this
@hellcord (675)
• Romania
5 May 09
true that brother, nobody likes a wuss better a than a
1 person likes this
@Tonton01 (235)
• Philippines
5 May 09
Used to be a nice guy so I know how this feels.. I don't want to sound like a misogynist..but, it seems like they'd rather not eat their words than face the truth that a nice guy is the choice...
@Tonton01 (235)
• Philippines
6 May 09
Have to agree with you on this, well said, unless with proper education on the Venusian Arts, every nice guy will instead be the "Valiant Guy". No more pencilneck sissies, and the opposition would be gone or decimated. XD Unless Venusian Arts are properly taught in schools to replace Art Classes (Since it's an art), there wouldn't be nice guys but simply good guys. Mystery's tha man!
1 person likes this
@lumenmom (1996)
• United States
5 May 09
I wish there was an easy answer to this but it is very complex. Just going by my own experience (mind you, I was never beat but have taken a lot of verbal and other types of abuse) the emotional attachment to this person makes you not see the reality of what you are going through. You tend to justify the actions and dismiss them completely. Once your life is intertwined with another person it can be complicated to just pick up and leave. One thing that happens is abusers usually isolate their victims from their families and women tend to keep quiet about the abuse out of embarrassment or fear or just not wanting family to think bad about them because after all, he can be very nice and loving sometimes. And then there is the factor of men convincing women that it is their fault and they spend time trying to fix themselves. Some are convinced they need this person or this person needs them. There are so many variables.
1 person likes this
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
Yes I know it's complex... I just don't get it! and it infuriates me tremendously! Thanks for your comment.
• Finland
5 May 09
If you are locking for some type of "how the real world works"kind of answer County/state/region/church/belife/comunity/Personal belief what "marriage/divorce" is. And for the particular Woman in question how much she is willing to sway for the "norm"(and word "norm" is a personal thing) for the benefit of getting rid of the abuse. And if you feel the need to look for clues with your partucular parter...Then get out then while you still can (dependig on you personal belifes). If you se actual evidece of such abuse pack your bags (take the kids if there are any) this is an safty issue not a belife issue at this point... this is my 2c about this *Buzzman stepping off his soapbox now*
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
5 May 09
Hey Buzz, I would love to say that I gree with you but the minute a woman take the kids with her, she can be charged with Kidnapping. That is the law in the state where I'm living at. So just a quick word of caution to any woman that's thinking about running and taking the children with her, check the law in your state first.
• Finland
6 May 09
say this is true for you (law wise) And even so Charged with Kinapping, is better than risking you and your childern...She is in fact Charded...and my argumet still stands
• Finland
6 May 09
Still take the kids and RUN
@alexsis (2149)
• United States
6 May 09
I was in an abusive relationship. Before I married him he was not abusive at all. He was the most sweetest and nicest man I had ever met. A man I had dreamed of marrying. But a couple of months after we got married he changed. I was abused physically, verbally, and emotional. A few months after the abuse I had left him but I went back to him because he said he was sorry and that he would never do it again. So I forgave him and went back. Then a couple of months later he started doing it again. One day we had disagreed about something pertaining to our daughter and he had physically abused me and my daughter was crying. She gave me the courage to leave and never go back. Its been about 3 years since I left him. I left because I didn't want my daughter to see her mother get abuse and think it is okay if a guy does it to her. I stayed in the relationship because I was afraid to leave because he threatened to kill me and my family and I loved him to much. But I realized that love doesn't hurt. My daughter and praying to God gave me the strength and courage to leave and never come back. I prayed and still pray to God to watch over and protect me and my family. Most women stay in these relationship because they are afraid, too dependent on the man, low esteem, and or staying because of the children. I guess some signs are him being jealous, not allowing you to talk or go out with family or friends, not allowing you to have friends, or questioning you. I'm glad I got out of that relationship. I feel so much better.
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
I'm glad you did too. Thank you for posting your personal story and hopefully many other women will learn from your experience. Take Care! :)
• India
5 May 09
There is no need of you to apologize its not worth it. You came up with a genuine problem and frankly this trait in certain men appalled me. Why women keep on taking such murderous behavior is one of the mysteries of human mind but the easiest reason I can pin point is that such Women are insecure and they are afraid to walk off such life and secretly,falsely they hope, its a bad dream and one day when she will woke up every thing will be fine, which is totally a rubbish notion. As far clue is concern , its only a psychologist can answer that but one can stop it by resisting the first time it happen to a woman.
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
According to many articles I have read, once they start physically abusing you, they will never stop! thank you for your post!
@ladym33 (11008)
• United States
5 May 09
The best thing that a woman can do when she is in an abusive situation is to make a plan to get out. She should enlist help from someone she can trust if possible. Start putting money away hiding it of course, and leave an emergency bag with her trusted friend. She needs to get out of the situation any way she can, but needs to be smart enough to hide what she is doing from the abuser who will likely beat her even harder if he discovers her plan to leave.
@roberten (3131)
• United States
5 May 09
You do not expect to become an abused spouse but when you do, it is the element of surpise and confusion that keeps you paralyzed. Abusers stay on top of keeping the storm going so you cannot get your bearings, get yourself organized and get out of Dodge. They break you down in order to control you. Your biggest enemy is not being prepared. If people were taught what to do in the event of being abused the same as what to do in the event of a natural diaster, I believe more people would be able to break free of their situations much sooner. You are taught to judge when a storm is about to hit but not when someone may be about to hit you. Education really is key to solving this issue. It is very difficult to combat that which you are not familiar or nor understand. Speak up and teach your children what to do and what not to do when it comes to domestic violence.
• Philippines
5 May 09
If there is an abused woman, you can expect that her first experience with abuse is not with the man she is currently living with. Most of the time, this woman has already experienced abuse in her early life. Whether the abuse is verbal, emotional or physical, all of it is still abuse. Early on, a person abuses is a person with a very low self esteem. An abuser, another person with low self esteem, is always on the lookout for anybody that they think they can abuse. A person with low self esteem is like a magnet to an abuser. The abused or victim is just so used to being abused in the past, it's hard for them to distinguish what is right and wrong in a relationship. Also, there is what is called the victim protecting its abuser. Think about a woman who is already bruised and blue and will still jump up to defend him to the police. It's really hard for an abused person to get out of an abusive relationship. It takes a lot of work, love and support to help the abused. It's not as easy as saying, 'she should leave him'. So if you want your children to grow up and attract a good person for a life mate, make sure that they are also emotionally healthy. A person with a strong inner self is not likely to end up with an abusive person.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
5 May 09
I have also thought about this. I think may be in most cases they are not confident enough to live alone. I must say moreover to support themselves. They had to depend on those monsters. Also in many cases family of the women are not supportive when they want to go away from the marriage or relationship.
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
5 May 09
Why do women stay in abusive relationship.......... First let me just say that this is a very very very good post for such a time as this and I feel as though the article was just calling out to me to respond. Lord knows abuse between married couples have been going on since the beginning of time and this is nothing new. We are now living in a time where there really should be systems and organizations put into place to help a woman out if she feels that she is being abused but I personally don't believe that they are. Of course we hear about them but once the organization begin asking woman all of their personal business you'd think that the woman was the perpetrator instead of the victim. Please bare in mind that often a woman is in this kind of relationship b/c her perpertrator had taken strategic steps to get her in a situation where she is essentially all alone. She may not have very many friends or family members that are close to her. At least that is how things happened in my situation. So basically I had no one to call but a family member that lived a few states over. She happens to be a nurse, so there has been a lot of comfort in being able to have someone that I could confide in. While most of the family members are aware of what's been going on. They are usually hesitant to get involved mostly b/c it's a husband wife situation. And nobody really knows who is at fault. Personally speaking I've been in an abusive relationship and the reason why I believe that most women stay is because of their children. So many women feel as though they have children with the man so now they are stuck. Also they don't want to break up the family and they certainly do not want to see their children growing up without a father. In my own relationship, I didn't have the means to be able to get up and just walk away. So all of these things must be taken into consideration b4 I could plan a way of escape. Believe me, If I had the means I would have been gone the first time when he tried to harm me. One of the first signs that should cue a woman in on the man that will be abusive to her is that he doesn't show the same affection as he did in the beginning of the relationship. Nine times out of ten he knows that she has no where to go. So that is when he begin trying to be little her. He may call her bad names and constantly call her crazy. At times he may even try to make it seem as though she is forgetful. I realize that there are many books out there on the market concerning this issue but I just had to give a few of the things that actually happened to me. If any of this happen to you, that is a very strong indication that he doesn't have your best intention at heart. The only way that I've been able to survive the madness was that I had to stand up to him and by that I mean that I had to let him know that I wasn't afraid of him. I"m not advising that all women do this b/c some women may not be as strong as others, I personally was raised not to be accepting of it when a man is being abusive. Many women may feel that they are not capable of standing up to him. But I will guarantee that if he ever hit you. Then you hit him back with all the force that is within you. He will think twice b4 coming back to lash out at you again. As every situation is a little bit differently that is how come you can never really tell a woman what she needs to do but with having said that, I will say this much. If you feel that your life is in danger I would strongly advice you to just call the police and tell them everything. That way, at least if he does try something with you. It will be down on record. In closing nobody deserves to be beaten and you should not tolerate it. I'm sure that many people may try to judge me and think that I was wrong to stay in my particular situation but I've only done what I feel is in the best interest of the children at this particular time. Believe me, the moment when I find another option I will be taking it. Believe it or not, I literally pray that somehow God will bless me so that I will be able to get out of it and move on as soon as possible. In the meantime I'm working towards bettering myself as far as getting a decent paying career. But that takes time and money and so in the meantime, I am just doing the best that I can to get by......I pray that this message will help somebody out there to know that a real man would never hit you. If he really love you he will do all that's within his power to love honor, respect, protect and to defend you. Sadly enough many younger girls are in abusive relationships too and if you find him hitting on you at the dating phase he will surely do it when he get married to you. So in that case I would strongly suggest that you both seek counseling. Best wishes to all ........................
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
Dear CityChic, Thank you for your post and I really am truly sorry about your situation. I will pray for you to get out as soon as possible. Please be careful and Thank you for posting your personal story. Our younger generation need to know and learn from stories like yours.
• Canada
6 May 09
You realize that children learn about relationships from their parents and they are learning it is normal for a man to dish out abuse and for a woman to take it. I hope you find the resources to leave an abusive situation.
@mariposaman (2967)
• Canada
5 May 09
I often wonder that too. Are there no signs when they first start to go together? The women must mistake the obsession and jealousy for love. I agree with the comment made by a poster in that they do not want to go with a nice guy. Women seem to be attracted to the alpha male, the take charge guy, the dominator, and find the less aggressive nice guys boring. I suspect it is an extension of the women liking the bad boys when younger, and some make the mistake of marrying them. Once these guys mark their territory by having children with the woman, they are forever tied to the guy. What the solution is I do not know, it needs women to be more educated when young about relationships, and more education so they can financial take care of themselves. Unfortunately there still seems to be the fairytale that prince charming will ride past and they will live happily ever after. The reality seems to be quite different. I think the dedicated family man is not celebrated enough either. The guy who goes to work each day without complaining to support his family, they guy who loves his wife and children, and is faithful, never seems to make the news and never gets a thankyou or a reward.
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
5 May 09
Women living in abusive situations. Hey Mariposaman, true enough finances play a big role in the relationship and the better a woman is equipped to fiend for herself and to take care of her end of the responsibilities, the better off she will be in case things don't go the way she was hoping.
• Canada
6 May 09
I heard one woman express that she wants her daughter not to marry a doctor so she can enjoy a comfortable lifestyle, but that she wants her to become a doctor so she can enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.
• United States
5 May 09
It's because of the abuse that no one sees, that goes on behind the scenes.. before the first punch or bruise, there is a great deal of mental abuse which is geared toward making her feel worthless and have no self esteem.. Once someone loses their sense of worth.. they rarely wander away, even if it hurts to stay... they actually begin believing that their abuser is what they deserve.
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
Us Women need to recognize and react the moment we are first subjected to verbal abuse..If we don't stand up and defend ourselves, it will continue.... Thank you for your post! :)
• United States
6 May 09
The women that I knew that were in situations of abuse started out with no self esteem.. they came from dysfunctional homes as children then moved on to abusive relationships. Being a parent is such an important job.. teaching your child their worth is probably the most important lesson you will ever teach your child..
@pree70 (525)
• India
5 May 09
it is indeed a sad fact that so many women are falling prey to their mate's abusive behaviour. there could be a financial/emotional/social factor influenzing their decision to put up with such monstrous behaviour. or it may be that they truely love him and feel that some day this behaviour is going to change. but whatever the reason, i think that women should take a tougher stand and not only walk out of such relationships, but also make sure that the culprit is brought to the notice of the law.
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
Unfortunately, their behavior really never changes unless they seek help and even after they get help, it continues.....Truly Sad!!
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
5 May 09
I know all women are different and there are so many who wouldn't put up with anything that was not fitting to them but then is a few I guess that love theit man so much, so deeply they would put up with anything rather than be without him then I guess there a some that are just so scared to leave for one reason or another. Some men do make some women so dependent on them in some ways as well....I am glad I was brought up to be very independent, maybe a little too independent...
@Glow1971 (354)
• Spain
6 May 09
I too consider myself alittle too independent as well..lol..but I am so glad that i am...I believe it just makes me stronger! Thanks for your post.
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
5 May 09
Alot of women stay in abuse relationships for alot of reasons. They think they deserve to be. They were abused while growing up. They saw their mom's being abused and think this is how it should be. Some women want to leave an abuse relationship.They don't because they are threated. If they do their partner will find them. There are women who don't know where to go for help or think when they do get help it won't help! I even heard some women enjoy being in abusive relationships! That I doubt! Anyway I came close to being abused in one relationship and it scared the hell out of me! I never will let that happen again! I just wish more women would get help!