Why is it OK for a woman to yell at her husband, but not OK if he yells?

United States
May 26, 2009 12:45pm CST
Have you ever seen those reality shows where the wife is always badgering and yelling at the husband? Or, she's really nitpicky. And, that's considered normal behavior. He's just expected to sit there and take it like a man. But if he yells at her or is the least bit critical, then people get all mad and say that he's an abuser. Same thing in real life. Often men are held to a higher standard of behavior and seen as abusers if they raise their voice. Emotional outbursts are not tolerated. Why is it OK for a woman to be argumentative and yell and say nasty things at her spouse, but not OK for a man to do the same?
15 people like this
38 responses
• United States
26 May 09
Ideally, neither husband nor wife should be yelling at their spouse. It simply is not respectful and without respect in a marriage you really have nothing, IMHO. Of course, disagreements cannot always be avoided, but most folks are able to deal with it without shouting. My husband does not yell at me, and I don't yell at him, because to do so would be disrespectful and we are grownups who must set an example for our children so we try to talk about things as normal people and see if we can reach some sort of understanding of why one feels a certain way and be respectful of it. (ok, we're not perfect and have each raised our voices to eachother on rare occasion but it is a very RARE occurrence - like twice in the past 10 years) Yelling just tends to make things worse in a relationship, nothing gets accomplished and feelings get hurt.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 09
You're right! Yelling never helps.
1 person likes this
• China
28 May 09
u are right!no one is perfect ,and i think ti's very important to a marriage that a man should be gentlemen?
@SomeCowgirl (32277)
• United States
26 May 09
I am a woman but I have to say that I think that women take their rights to far sometimes. I think that a man should not have to take the lip from a woman, and while I don't think he should hit her, I do think that he should be able to yell back at her without being considered abusive. Only in the situations where he overpowers the woman should he be considered an abuser. Yelling and arguing, at any rate, is bad, and all couples should try to talk it out more.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 May 09
I couldn't agree with you more. I'm from old school liberal feminism (growing up during the 1970's--go girl power kind of stuff) and yet, I still think some women are taking their 'liberties' too far. They give all women a bad name and make men think that all women are b*tches. A man is just as much an emotional creature as a woman, maybe more so. They have very tender hearts and protect them with all that bravado and maybe that convinces some women that they can take all the emotional abuse and yelling. But I think that it breaks a man down inside. Ideally neither man nor woman would yell. But a man should be able to say, 'Hey! Cut it out. That crosses the line, you're hurting me.' Not sure a guy would say that, but I know he's thinking it. Thanks for sharing your enlightened point of view.
@Darkwing (21591)
30 May 09
I say it's not ok... it's still verbal or emotional abuse, and the man shouldn't have to stand for it, whether it's good manners to or not. Then women wonder why they get slapped? Hmmmmm. This is not a world of equal rights my friend, by a long chalk. Brightest Blessings.
1 person likes this
@harmonee (1236)
• United States
27 May 09
I don't think it's okay. My husband and I do our best to treat eachother with respect. I think it is much more effective, even in an argument to keep a level tone of voice than to raise it and make the situation escalate. I'm not much of a yeller anyway, but I think that helps our relationship. I also make it a point not to make personal attacks when I'm mad. Calling someone stupid or whatever doesn't address the situation, only brings more into it. Stick to the point and keep a level head and everything always turns out better.
1 person likes this
@Uroborus (911)
• Canada
27 May 09
I'm not sure how you reached the conclusion that it OK for a woman to yell. It isn't OK for anyone to yell, man or woman. If things get to that point then there is no hope of resolving the problem you had, if indeed you even remember what the problem was by that point. It's not so much that it OK for a woman to yell while not OK for a man, so much as it is a matter of what is considered more threatening. Yelling is aggressive, threatening behaviour. While there are many physically strong women and physically weak men, in general it is men in society that perpetrate physical abuse. When a man yells, it is generally louder than a woman, with a deeper more threatening voice which suggest aggression and potential abuse more than when a woman yells. Either is wrong to do, but it is often scarier for a woman to be at the receiving end of aggressive yelling from a man, than the other way around. I'm not saying there aren't exceptions, but for the majority of times, that is the case. You pointed out the difference yourself in the way you phrased your question. When referring to the woman you used terms such as badgering, and being "nitpicky" in addition to yelling. While badgering and being nitpicky are annoying, they are not as aggressive as yelling. They don't instill fear as much as yelling, and a many is more likely to go straight to yelling when angry than a woman.
1 person likes this
• China
27 May 09
I'm in the same situation as you describled.I have a bad temper and yell at my BF,although i know it's not good. As for your question,i think the exist of gentman prove the situation again. What's more,the God give man the strong body or powder,and God maybe take something from the man,such as the rights to yell at woman.haha
1 person likes this
@balasri (26577)
• India
27 May 09
It is a common notion that women are so soft and sensitive and react to anything instantaneously.Men are supposed to be chivalrous and strong as the king of the home. Men are supposed to take the brunt of the ladies,sooth and protect them.Whatever said and done one cannot deny the fact that men are physically stronger than women.So more tolerance is expected from them.Well it is up to the individuals to adhere to this system in the end.
1 person likes this
@tashakau (133)
• Canada
27 May 09
I do not think it is okay for the woman to yell or the man. I find it to be very demeaning. Anyways, I am not a yeller I rather to things thru about issues that I am facing.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3798)
• Philippines
27 May 09
it is because, pysiologically, women's voice box is shallow compared to men's voice box. this explains the reason why men have a deeper voice than women. that sound men produces comes from deep within. so, women produce a smaller sound since the sound produced by our voice box comes from a shallow position. in application to what you said the saying that it is the nature of women to nag is true. there is a scientific explanation to that and what you read is just one of them. men can take control of a situation while most women panic. this has something to do with the size of men's brains which are bigger. that is why nature gave women that instinct that if she can't comprehend somethings something helps her see things in a way men can't.
@tracy_d (76)
• India
27 May 09
Its certainly not OK either ways. But I guess women have been looked down upon and have been subjected (still are) to domestic violence for so long now, that society does not allow men to be abusive or violent towards women any more. Allowing women to yell at men, is maybe, a kind of compensation given to women to make up for the injustice they've faced all these years. Still, its not ok for anyone to yell at their spouse.
1 person likes this
• India
27 May 09
I think its society's way of compensating women for their lack of physical strength and keeping men on hold so that they dont show off their brawn But seriously, yes, I have seen most men actually 'scared' of their wive's tempers...its basically the child I think which continues in most men throughout their lives while women mature much faster. Men are like boys and they need a mother throughout their lives.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17929)
• United States
26 May 09
I don't think it's okay at all and is, in fact, the reason why my best friend's marriage is falling apart before her eyes. She's a nag, she's critical, she has a short temper...and then she complains that he's never home anymore. The sad thing is that she doesn't really care. I guess I'm fortunate that we moved 1,000 miles away five years ago when they were still a fun, happy couple because I don't know if I could handle watching her treat him like that in person. He's always been a good natured guy but she's been bringing out the anger in him lately and one day he's going to walk out of the door.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 09
In my house it is not ok to yell at all, the only exception is in case of an emergency. I grew up around loud people and I just do not care for it. There is no reason to yell in a mean way or as your mode of converstation (at least at my house, what you do at your house is your business. As far as the double standard that you have pointed out, I agree that it is wrong for a woman to raise her voice at a man and think it is ok but then claim abuse when he yells at her.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 09
I am a woman and I don't think that it is okay for anyone to yell in a relationship. In my opinion I think some women push their spouses to the limit to see what they do. There are some women who do stuff because they want to see whether or not their husband/boyfriend will do something back or perhaps hit them. Men are more aggressive then women and sometimes it gets out of control and they get violent and not realzie. I don't think it is healthy for anyone to yell.
1 person likes this
@rrdj71 (696)
• United States
26 May 09
Actually, I don't think it's okay for EITHER one to yell at each other. If that is the only way that either one can get the point across than may I suggest sitting down and having a discussion about it and if that doesn't work and you really want to save the marriage then unfortunately the next step is marriage counseling. Abuse is abuse wether physical or verbal and no one should have to put up with it. Even as a Christian that I am, I have learned a Bible verse that works GREAT for me: " Above all things guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23) Words to live by :) To me that means we should have to accept that type of behavior from ANYBODY if it is going to hurt our feelings and break our heart.
1 person likes this
@qiyunhai (254)
• China
26 May 09
i guess you are from asian,problaly from china.the reason is very simple. because man is man,woman is woman.and that's is our culture .i woman yell are you means nothing most time,she just express directly,man is different,most time they hide their feelign.
@kanecn (150)
• China
27 May 09
i agree with you. women sometimes yells at other people just for abreaction
@flowerchilde (12525)
• United States
7 Jan 10
I don't think it's ok and I'm thinking when they do it they get labeled as a witch (but with a b!) But I think you're right women can get away with it more than men, but then some things men get away with more... and it shouldn't be that way for either.
• Romania
16 Oct 09
It's not really ok for women to yell either, same as men. It's just expressing a feeling that's not even real, it's coming from hate, or fear of something, or despair, or some other bad feeling. It happens to both men and women, sometimes men against men, or women against women, or women against men, or any way around. Maybe when they see a man yelling at a woman people see more power in the yell itself than the other way around. When you see some big guy having a verbal fight with a harmless girl, you might feel you should protect her.
@EliteUser (3971)
• Australia
30 Sep 09
Hey, Well for me it just looks bad when the man is yelling at the woman, because the woman most of the time is just helpless and can't really do much, while the main has got the most power. I just don't think it is right for either one of them to yell at each other. Make sure you have a good day, God bless and Happy Lotting!!
• United States
14 Jun 09
Because society assumes that the wife Has to yell to get her husband to listen and a yelling guy just doesn't yell, he hits. Both facts are false but we seem to except it.For about 25 years now I have wondered why in the hell would a man want to marry if all he does is deemed either abusive,idiotic, or just wrong by the wife? I figured out around 1982 or 1983 that I like men too much to want to marry Anyone I like or love.Why would I want to inflict that amount of pain on a guy I like?