Does this seem fair to you?
By patgalca
@patgalca (18181)
Orangeville, Ontario
June 10, 2009 10:09am CST
Sorry, I need a place to vent where it won't affect my daughter's soccer time.
Last year my daughter led her rep team, though they didn't win a whole lot of games. She is an excellent player and received an award from the coach as best forward. This year the team has improved tremendously, still not winning a whole lot of games but not being trounced either (tight games like 0-0, 2-1, etc.). Last night they played a game they knew they could win. My daughter (13 in August) was really hyped for this game and was determined to score a goal. She made some amazing plays setting up other players to score. I think she only took one shot on goal herself. We won 10-1.
Here's the kicker (excuse the pun). I could see my daughter was not pleased. As the game wore on she seemed to be getting tired (or not trying as hard) and when she was on the bench she sat with her arms crossed (though it was pretty dang cold). I just sensed that she was po'd and I felt she had every right to be. Why? The coach's daughter scored 3 goals, another girl scored 2, and 5 other girls scored. My daughter set up some of those goals when she probably could have scored herself. When she got in the vehicle after the game she began to bawl. She said her coach was hounding her that she wasn't passing the ball. What? She set up at least 3 goals!!!
It is apparent that the coach is playing favorites. Why? Because I'm not drinking buddies with the parents? My 16yo was at the game with me and as she watched she commented on what a team player her sister is so she was livid when she heard what the coach had been saying to her. I was livid and my daughter was hurt. We sat with the van running for a few minutes because I was tempted to go out and blast the coach. But I don't want to put my daughter's playing time at jeopardy. She agreed with me that we will wait and see how things go at the next game. She thinks since it will be a tougher team, the coach will be relying on her to carry the team. Why was he so hard on her last night?
This really has me bothered. I didn't sleep well and prayed on it. I decided to approach him positively raving about DD's greating playing, but now won't see him until next week. Instead I posted a note on Facebook (where I KNOW he and the other team mates will see it) saying how proud I was of DD, her amazing passing abilities and great teamwork.
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
4 people like this
8 responses
@eileenleyva (27562)
• Philippines
11 Jun 09
Sad situation. But I always make it a point never to interfere in my daughters' activities unless they cry for help. Our children strive for excellence, sports or otherwise, but along the way,people come and don't play fair. But life is never fair. At this point I think your daughter could still handle things by herself. She is part of the team. A part of growing up too.
A caution on writing our sentiments... don't publish until thinking about it ten times over. We might regret it later if we write at the heat of our emotion.
@patgalca (18181)
• Orangeville, Ontario
11 Jun 09
My older daughter told her that she had a good enough rapport with the coach that she should be able to say something to him. Now, I'm not over on the bench so I can't hear everything that is being said. She said he wanted to put her in goal for the second half and she refused. He kept insisting but she stood her ground. She is a great goaltender but we were dominating the game and probably could have played the second half without one at all! We've agreed to a wait and see attitude.
As for what I "published" I wrote positively so as to hopefully lay a little guilt on the coach. I, like many other parents, go on Facebook and rave about their children's accomplishments. This was no different. The team manager responded but the coach has been silent. The same day I posted a notice about my older daughter making Team Canada for Taekwondo and then younger daughter won second place in high jump in track & field yesterday. And, the coach has done the same thing with his kids on Facebook.
Thanksk for responding.
@reckon21 (3479)
• Philippines
10 Jun 09
I understand how you feel as a father.
I also understand your daughter's feelings.
I know it's unfair..the next thing to do is to
stay calm and keep your cool. After all you knew
who is the best player, right?
@patgalca (18181)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Jun 09
You are dang right there! My daughter IS the best player and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. I have heard other parents (not knowing her mother was sitting near them) commenting on her great ability. Suddenly I want her to grow up real quick so I can get her in the big leagues! LOL!
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
10 Jun 09
i think it is not as well... but as you say, you don't want to jeopardise your daughter's career... so what i suggest is just to cool down and wait... if it is happening again, then have a nice chat with the coach and express your concern nicely to him... right now, the most important thing is to comfort your daughter and boost her self confidence again after what happened... i hope everything will work out for you... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
11 Jun 09
It doesn't sound fair at all. That sort of thing often happens in sports with young kids. I don't think I would say anything to the coach because as you said...it'd probably in some way come back on your daughter. Instead, I would praise my daughter and encourage her to continue playing as well as she has been ....not for the notice from the coach but rather for love of the game. Also, if it was upsetting enough to her that she felt like quitting, I would encourage her to speak to the coach about her issues. It could be that the coach does have favorites and isn't aware of how much his favoritism is showing or how it is affecting his other players. At any rate, your daughter talking to him on her own will not only show her maturity but it will give her and the coach a chance to possible work things out. If you complain your daughter will feel like the coach only is being nice to her so as not to upset you....she will still feel his percieved favoritism. I don't know...that's how I'd handle it.
1 person likes this
@jen_barre (104)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Yeah...those team sports are tough, especially when the coach is a parent of a team member. It seems to never fail they play favorites and pick on certain kids for stealing their kids' glory. I've gotten into heated debates with some of the coaches or other parents at my son's baseball games, and he's only in LITTLE LEAGUE! I think you should approach him and tell him you won't tolerate your child being treated like that...he needs to know that you know about it. Good luck, tell your daughter that she did great and shouldn't let him get to her!
@kelevra36 (19)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Perhaps you or DD could speak with the coach about specifically what he's seen that makes him think DD needs to work on her passing. I understand it's pretty frustrating, especially since your daughter's obviously been such a great team player, but if you can confront the coach on the issue in a way that kind of corners him into either lying (which can be easily refuted) or admitting he doesn't know where your daughter needs improvement, it could mean he won't be as hard on her in the future. Besides, being that young in a sport shouldn't mean a coach expects his players to be olympic-level...it should just be fun! It sounds to me like he is playing favorites a bit, which has happened to me too; it sucks, but unfortunately, there's only so much you can do about it.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18181)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Jun 09
My daughter had the opportunity to go to a higher level rep team but didn't want to because she likes this coach. When they played so poorly last year he told all the parents it was about teaching them and having fun. He was always giving positive re-inforcement. At a game recently the team got a penalty shot which normally my daughter would have taken (she is excellent at shooting, passing and footwork) but he wanted HIS daughter to take it to "rid her of her fears". Ugh! My older daughter told her sister that she has such a good rapport with her coach that she should be able to tell him "I AM passing!" Perhaps he didn't see which player passed the ball to Maddie so she could score that excellent goal. Too bad they don't get counted for assists.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
10 Jun 09
You are better than me, because I would have spoken to the coach right away. I wouldn't have gotten belligerent immediately, but I would have asked him to explain to me how he could consider my daughter not being a team player with all the excellent teamwork she had just showed that game.
Furthermore, you are worried about your daughters playing time, but I would be more worried about her feelings. If I and the coach couldn't come to an understanding, I would pull my daughter from the team. Her emotional well-being is way more important than her play time, and I'm almost sure you could find another team for her to play on that would appreciate her more.
@patgalca (18181)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Jun 09
I mentioned the other team to her but she doesn't want to change teams. I also worry about approaching the coach because the politics in this league has been tense lately. One member of the board got in a coach's face about HIS daughter's lack of field time which resulted in the coach quitting. He said he was going to pull his daughters out of the league but I was told that his daughter is still playing. It is not in my daughter's well-being to REMOVE her from soccer. It's her life. I've put the note on Facebook and will speak to him personally next time I see him. My daughter wants to wait and see what happens with this Saturday's game.
