what to do when your men always picks up and leave after an argument
By realopinions
@realopinions (18)
United States
July 9, 2009 7:51pm CST
My friend is married to her husband for almost 9 years. Whenever they have a major argument, her husband packs up all of his clothes, and personal belongings, and move to live in his mother's basement or friend's house. The thing that really ticks her off is that he leaves in secret, like when she is at work, or when she goes out of town for business. Everytime he goes, he wastes money, like on hotels, and he always plan this "scheme" in secret, and carries it out when he gets paid or have enough money.
She says she can't trust him, and everytime she goes out of town, she worries what will happen to her home, will he move out again???
What adive do you have that will stop him from constantly packing up and leave? Is this a sign of his immaturity? Do your men do this also? What would you if you were in her case and wanted it give it another chance?
2 people like this
9 responses
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
10 Jul 09
As painful as it would be, the next time that he left I wouldn't pay him any mind. I wouldn't seek him out or try to talk about it with him. After nine years, I think your friend has tried to work with him enough on this. When he called me I wouldn't even speak about him coming back. I would tell him that he obviously only wants to live here part time and I'm not interested in a part time husband. I would let him stay gone for a while so that he can see what it is like to not have the comfort of a swinging door. Either he'll come back on his knees, promising to make a change or he'll decide that life ain't so bad away from home (in which case, your friend might be better off herself). The thing about people like this man is that you have to show them that you are not playing their game in order for them to quit.
@realopinions (18)
• United States
13 Jul 09
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice, I will print out this discussion page and show it my friend, who I hope would be enlightened and encouraged to do something to fix this problem in her marriage.
I also agree with jalucia's "tough" approach because her husband has done this many times in their 9-year marriage, it's like a disease or habit with hiim, he does it at least once a year, sometimes twice. Everytime, she is the one who calls him or goes looking for him asking him to come back home, or she calls his friend and have him deliver her message. Then when he does come back, he always makes it under a condition, like he is doing her a favor; he's always saying how she need to change her ways, but never once mentioning specifically how or what he will do make the marriage work.
So, I think she really needs to "put her foot" down and not apologize to him in order for him to come home. Sometimes you can't see the situation as clearly as the third party, so thanks again for everyone's view points and advice.
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
13 Jul 09
TX 4 BR!! I wish your friend all the best. I think that we all would like to look back into our lives and have as little, if any, regret for the way we spent our time/lived our lives. Your friend has devoted a lot of time to what seems like a mariage that can be very one sided. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses, especially if you see that there is no way to come out on the winning end.
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jul 09
What would I do? I would think that perhaps the argument had been handled real well. Maybe I need to learn some skills on how to handle one better next time. Both people seem to have issues. They need some help. A good counselor, or a book on the subject is a good start.
@daryljane (3406)
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
My live in partner is similar to that. Whenever we have major argument, he leaves! And that right now i can think of is, the only good thing is were not married and that i dont have to deal with that for the rest of my life after we broke up. I really hate it when he's doing that. Not so manly, so to speak! And yes, its a sign in immaturity!
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Jul 09
One way to end this childish game would be for her to just put an end to it. She should tell him that the next time he leaves...he stays gone. Pretty simple but she would have to be prepared to stick to it. Or she could get her own place...end of story...end of game.
@smladjamurah (22)
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
Obviously, the guy still wants to feel single...he doesnt think of his wife.. all he thinks about is himself...if i were the one in that situation, either i leave the guy or i let him be...give him his freedom as long as he gives me mine...maybe thet're just staying together for the kids...
All this dishonesty, secrets and distrust will surely cause them to break up later so why not now, right?
@w33347 (11)
• Singapore
10 Jul 09
lol, i'm talking in the point of view of a guy.
for me, i don;t think i will do such a thing but i really do hope that u can convince
your friend to talk about this thing with her husband and discuss a solution.
if this situation drags on, i;m sure it will do no good for the marriage.
@Wizzywig (7847)
•
10 Jul 09
If I had a husband who made a habit of doing that, I'd change the locks so he wouldn't get back in, cancel the credit card and take my name off the joint account so that he would only have limited funds and I wouldn't be responsible for any overdraft. I'd pack the rest of his stuff for him, sell the house and split the proceeds after all the bills were paid.
However, if I wanted to give it another chance, I guess I'd just have to put up with his behaviour.
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
That's so disturbing to hear. They need to talk things out, running away from a heated conversation is somewhat immature and lacks also the responsibility to face problems.
If a man always do that, there will be no solution to problem but they will make it worst. Trying to sort things out and talk is better than keeping your pride. If that has been a habit of her hubby, then she better talk that to him because it will never make the relationship grow. Ask herself this one, if she nags too much a husband is better off far away from her. If your friend keeps on talking and not listening too, then that's another part of the story and has to be dealt with too.
They should learn how to control their anger. Shouting, throwing and other things are not necessary and will never work out for the good. They really need to be counseled too.
@riani2009 (581)
• Indonesia
10 Jul 09
I think the wife should ask her husband to stop doing that. I know communication is not easy especially if bad habit (leaving after a quarrel) is not prevented right the first time. One year ago, my husband did the same thing. At that time I was so angry but I couldn't ask him to stop doing that after the quarrel because he was totally angry with me. So, I let him to go. But, in the morning after he came back, I said sorry and I asked him to discuss about what he had done. I know it is not instant process to make him understand that having conflict was not the end of everything and running from the problem and quarrel were not solutions. It took one year for him to change his mind set that conflict was a way to make us mature and to view problems from different angle of perspectives. To sum up, please be patient to make him understand that running away from problem is not the best solution..
