My 10 year old is out of control.

United States
July 27, 2009 12:42pm CST
I'm not sure what to do but my 10 year old is out of control. If I tell him anything he always come back with a smart answer to me. If I punish him he just sneaks off. His father and I are divorced and do not get along. I feel that let my kids got away with more than what I should have during my divorce and now I'm paying for it. I think in a way he wants to live with his father but I think its a bad idea and he acts like he does to me to try to get me to send him to his dads. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do to get him calmed down towards me.
2 people like this
13 responses
@lornasis (121)
• Philippines
28 Jul 09
Funny, but everytime my mother makes a similar comment about kids - their own or others' - my father never fails to reply, "why would you want to control them, anyway"? I thought that was insightful. I have a 5-year-old-going-on-6, and she is sort of like that, if I see from the point of view of getting her to some direction of my own design. But I leave her be, discuss her actions and its consequences... yes, I do that with my 5-year-old.. and she actually becomes very responsible - and "penetrable". It is of course easier said than done. Many times, your patience will be tested. The best advice to make the former advice work is, HOLD ON! It will be the ride of your life, but a ride worth taking. Try talking to him as if he were grown up. But make it clear you call the shots...ultimately. Give him some slack, but be ready to reign in when he bangs his head, making sure he knows exactly why things happen, and what role he played in it. Pretty tough, it will be, of course. Good luck to both of us! Cheers!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31031)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Yes...communication helps so so much. I did a lot of talking with my kids as they grew up too and explaining to them why there were some things that were not acceptable and things that they couldn't do. It takes time and there is no magic fix but by the time they reach adulthood, they tend to get it and grow up.
@llowe3 (24)
• United States
28 Jul 09
You may have received this advice already so I hope I am not being redundant. First let me say I empathize with what you are going through. My son has a mood disorder and ODC. He is so difficult to live with, let alone parent. It's not easy when you're doing it alone, and you are a mother/son pair. Somehow the boys challenge their mothers more. There is a lot of change that needs to happen, so many I couldn't list it here. But two big changes you can make, that will start the ball rolling are these: 1. Make his dad your ally. You have to come together on the parenting even though you are divorced. You don't have to like each other, but you have to remain a team as your son's parents. Children will divide and conquer if they can, even in a dual parent household. a. If you have to make private time to work out a system with your ex, then you need to do that. Once you're a team, you can begin to get control back with your son. 2. You should definitely look at taking a parent class or reading literature about it. Not because you aren't a good mother, but there are some skills that we aren't aware of until we are taught that can make a world of difference. Parenting skills can be learned, as well as parent coping techniques. ***It's hard to be a mother, especially a single mother, so you have to learn how to self preserve so you can be strong for your family. Seek help from professionals, online support groups. From there, you'll know what to do. I wish you the best and please update me. :)
@sid556 (31031)
• United States
28 Jul 09
It is really tough doing it on your own, I know. I raised 4 on my own and it is easy to get worn down, overwhelmed. One thing I know is that you have to be consistent in your discipline. I had one daughter in particular that gave me a real run. When she talked back, she got sent to her room to cool down. It did not cure her mouth entirely but she did eventually learn that I just was not going to listen to her when she talked to me disrespectfully. If you punish your son and he sneaks off, you need to go after him and make him come back and lengthen the time of his punishment. I was not overly strict with my girls but I did have rules and if they didn't follow them there were consequences to pay. They could make our time together a pleasant one or miserable....the choice was theirs. It was my job to see to it that they grew up to be decent, respectable people....not an easy task in todays world. As for him wanting to live with his dad....maybe that is not a bad idea. Maybe he will see and appreciate just how good he really has it with you. What would really help would be if you and your ex could work together to see to it that he behaves. I know thats not always possible. If nothing works, maybe seek the help of a councellor? If you get the right one, they can really be helpful. Good luck, CheriJane
@my4tunes (64)
• New Zealand
28 Jul 09
Your son is just testing you and watching how you react. I have a 10yr old son who can really annoy me sometimes - when that happens I leave the room and busy myself somewhere else but I still make myself available to him if he wants me for something. Try to chat with him about the things that interest him - school, friends, sports etc. Perhaps comment on how he speaks to you but try not to get into an argument - just say, okay you're not in a receptive mood at the moment - we can try again later perhaps and then do something that makes YOU feel good but try to think about everything that is good about your son. My ex-partner and I separated 2 yrs ago and its fortunate that we remain friends so we discuss how our 10 yr old is doing. I told his father about the time he gave our son about $5 pocket money to buy himself a treat, and when he dropped him off at my place for a break my son walked to the grocers while I was resting (I work nights) and bought a packet of sugar so we could bake some brownies - I said that was such a thoughtful thing to do!
@grace118224 (1040)
• China
28 Jul 09
Just frantly tell him why you would divoice his father . He will understand because he is so smart. Spend more time to be with him and show him around. Or just talk to his father and teach him together. Boy tends to be naughty.
@divkris (1163)
• India
28 Jul 09
it may take a little tmie and patience of you to convey what you feel. I thnk the best is to talk it out to your kid, now that he is 10 and can understand every word you speak. And another thing is don't be too hard on yourself and your kid because i understand how tought it is to handle kids a s a single mother. Next, do not compare his actions with his dad - you are simply halucinating i should say - and it can only make things worse for you!
• China
28 Jul 09
i think the first thing you should make clear is what is your kid really want, it seems that your kid didn't get very well along with you, the kid is more like to be with his father than to be with you, why do you think the kid act like his father is a bad idea, tell us the details so we can give you a fair judgement to your ex-husband
• India
28 Jul 09
Have you had a one-to-one discussion on this with your son. He is 10 which means he is no longer a boy who is expected to listen to everything the parent says. His hormones are working up, he’s interacting with a lot many people outside and on top of that, he may have his own opinion about why his parents divorced, whose fault was it and how he feels about it…in other words, he is starting to have his own opinion and expects you to give him a patient hearing. Talk to him…make him feel more responsible towards you and the house. Give him more time, open you heart to him but make sure that certain rules regarding studies and chores and behaviour are followed. If he answers back (as most 10yr olds are wont to) don’t take offence unnecessarily…sometimes the answers are very very smart and can make you laugh, but if its serious you can stop talking to him until he improves his manners. Give him some independence while ensuring that the basic rules are not flouted. I know how difficult it is to deal with kids of this age…my own son is 10 and while I am advising you, I myself remain confused most of the time. My profile has many discussions on such topics where mylot members have pitched in with invaluable support and advise…you can chk them out if you want to.
• Malaysia
28 Jul 09
maybe can find a new father for your kid. but before that make sure the 'new father' is a kids lover.
• India
28 Jul 09
He is just 10 year old and he had witnessed something that a 10 year old can't tolerate. He needs love and care from his parents and make sure you give him that. Guide him through the right path and you didn't mention anything about school. It is at school where he develops his persoanlity and his teachers can help him a lot becoz most of the time he would be at school. He loves to be with his dad and so with you also. So you have the solution and understant that and go ahead. remember hes just a 10 year old kid. best wishes
• United States
27 Jul 09
What you say to him he has to now that you actually mean it, so when you tell him that he is not getting the TV you have to follow through with what you say or he will now that he can do something and get away with it, because you will let him. It is really hard to do this kind of things to kids because everyone hates the hurt in the eyes of there kids and then knowing that you are the one that made there eyes look like that is even worse. Then with the divorce it makes it even harder because sometimes kids will think it is there fault that you got a divorce so you might want to sit down with him and tell him it is not his fault and things like that. I hope this helps you out with this problem.
@sunshine4 (8712)
• United States
27 Jul 09
Are you sending him to his dads when he gets in trouble? If so, this is the problem if he likes going to dads. When my son was 13, he went threw a bad stage. I ended up giving him some tough love. He was not allowed to do anything with friends~ no phone, no computer, no tv. This was for about a month. Then for the second month of summer, he could not go and see his friends, but was given tv back. After this, he realized that if he couldn't do what was expected and act respectful, he would again loose all of his privledges.
• United States
27 Jul 09
IMO, you need to teach your child a simple lesson in life: every action has a reaction and that reaction is a consequence and the consequences can be one of the most powerful discipline tools you can use to encourage positive behavior in your children. My DH and I have discussed how we're going to handle the discipline for our DD. She's not even 2 yet, so a stern "NO" or a slap to the hand is all it takes to get her attention. But when she gets older and realizes she has free will, we've decided that spanking is going to be one of the ways that she gets disciplined. We're also going to use what I said above and that is teaching her that her behaviors both good AND bad have consequences. Some consequences are good and others are bad. For us, we have decided that choosing a consequence which is related to what she did wrong such as grounding her for a bad test grade or spanking her for running out in the street, is punishment that would fit the crime. If your child is interrupting, forgets to do her chores, or has a temper tantrum in front of his friends, how does taking away TV time help? If your consequence is unrelated, a power struggle is likely to ensue. Instead, keep the consequence related to the misbehavior at hand.