Should I allow him? Am I just to paranoid?

@olydove (1209)
United States
July 27, 2009 6:30pm CST
Our two computers are in our living room area off to the side. Whenever my 14 year old is online he is only allowed to go to certain sites to play games or research stuff for his homework. I am always on my computer right next to the other one so I can see what is going on. I don't allow him access to any social networks as of yet. It's not because I don't trust him, I do. It's because of the predators and even more because have you seen the way the youngsters are on myspace and other sites? They openly talk about getting drunk or high, they make it the cool thing to do. They talk a bunch of talk that they shouldn't be talking, hold guns in their pics to make themselves look like gangsters etc. The girls are half exposed, I know because I have a younger brother that just turned 20 and I see what him and all his friends, connections post on myspace ( and have been over a period of 5 years). It's not only him and the people he associates with but many many other young people from all over the world. I was greatly alarmed a few months back when I was browsing through myspace and one of my friends daughter had some comments left on her profile about different ways to commit suicide, and I continued browsing to see just exactly what it is kids talk about OMG I mean, I remember being a teen, and yes I drank a few times here and there as a teen, but these kids are constantly drinking and posting picture proof of being drunk on their profiles. I don't want my son to think it's cool to behave like that, or to be pressured into such behavior. The problem with social networks is this: Think of yourself as being say 15 or 16 years old. You have an account on a social network. You accept or request to add someone you know in person from school or maybe a cousin. Say that person is a good person doesn't behave in manners described above, but they have friends that do. So one of those friends is browsing the first friend or cousins profile, and sees yours, they see something you might have posted like say you are into playing video games, and that person also likes video games or whatever, and they think you sound interesting so they request to add you. You go ahead and accept because they are a friend of your cousin or first friend right. So now you are on that second friends profile friend list, and you are opened up to all of friend number 2's friends who do nothing but party and get high. You've been communicating with friend number 2 for some time now and maybe even a few of his or her friends. You see all the pics and comments back and forth between them about how much fun they're having. About how they tried this new drink last night and it was the bomb. Got hella drunk and they took some X as they like to call it and were trippin hard etc.. etc.. etc.. Before you know it friend number 2 or one of his or her friends invites you to a party. They say it's ok you don't have to drink or anything just come have fun. You say to yourself " I can go to the party and have fun I just won't drink or take any drugs. " You go to the first party, then another, and another. Then after a few times the pressure is on. Someone at the party offers you a drink. You think for awhile and decide " Oh one drink won't hurt besides my friends seem to be having so much fun, and I feel like an outcast." Before you know it you are going to more and more parties, lying to your parents that trust you because til date as far as they know, they have no reason not to. You're getting drunk, and high, and it leads into more and more problems. No way. It's bad enough the kids have to be strong in school and try to not fall into the pressure of this stuff without allowing them to subject themselves to the influence of others via the internet. Especially when they get all caught up in talking about ways to commit suicide and other stuff. So my son has asked me a few times now about getting a myspace account. I'm honestly scared to let him do it. As I said before not because I don't trust him, but because of this type of stuff mentioned above. On the other hand this would give me an opportunity to look into his world, and see who he hangs out with at school, what they talk about etc. But then he might feel I am spying on him and don't trust him. I'm confused and don't know what to do. Do you have a teen that you allow to be on social networks? If so what has your experience been? For the record my boy is 14 and to date I have had no major problems with him. He's for the most part a good kid, gets good grades and only has a few friends he regularly socializes with that live in our neighborhood. I have no reason to believe he couldn't handle himself if an incident came up, I just feel why open the door for it to happen when it can be prevented?
4 people like this
13 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jul 09
My daughter is 12 and she's already bugging me, mainly because she wants to write blogs. I won't allow her until she's at least 14. If I do, I will probably put some conditions on it. Private profile, I approve who's on her friends list if it's not somebody I already know, etc. But I'm pretty sure I'll allow her.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jul 09
One of my blogs on Yuwie was actually written by her. It was a pretty hilarious account of our troubles at a McDonld's on last year's vacation!
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I think I remember that one. I will have to go check it out again. I saw Yuwie has added a generic instant messenger. That's great finally it is catching up with the other sites. :)
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Uh oh Dawn sounds like your little one is taking after you. You're so good at writing and coming up with things to talk about. I bet when it's time to let her explore her creativity she will be a rock star at it! I too have decided to let him get on a social network but as you say I will be monitoring closely. His profile will be set to private and I will have to approve who gets added to his friends list as well. He's 14 now and a pretty mature 14 so I'm thinking it's the right time. He used to write books, at the age of 10 he wrote a 70 page story. Who knows maybe his imagination will soar and he will develope something awesome from his online experience.
1 person likes this
@dreamr802 (985)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I think overall, facebook is safer than myspace. My mom let us kids have social network accounts, she had the passwords and she was able to sign on whenever she wanted to see what was being said and whatnot. And you can set up certain things on facebook that won't allow people to add your son as their friend unless they answer a specific question. Like my friend's little brother has a facebook account...and when he was 13 I tried to add him as a friend because I've known him since he was 3. His mom set it up where I had to answer a question to prove that I knew him and then he had to accept the friendship. Plus you can have the main email address to that account be your email address and then you will be notified if someone posts something on your son's page or friend requests...etc. Hope that helps.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
You are more than welcome. I just know how facebook works really well because I am on it ALL the time But a lot of these sites are making it a little bit safer for younger kids. Plus if you allow him to get an account now by the time you let him have full access to the account and whatnot he will be more responsible with it because you did enforce rules o it to begin with. good luck!
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@olydove (1209)
• United States
29 Jul 09
Wow that's excellent. Thanks for the detailed response I do appreciate it. I will definitely consider letting him have a Facebook. I like the idea of the notifications and what not. You gave good quality information here.
@cobra1368 (702)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I think you should let him have an account. You say he is a good kid and gets good grades. Having an account to mySpace should be a reward for his good behavior. You have to give him an opportunity to prove he is trustworthy. If he has been raised right and knows right from wrong, he will handle himself appropriately. That isn't to say he'll never do anything stupid. All kids do that. But if you deny him these things, it could lead to a bigger problem with rebellion down the road. If you discover something you don't approve of or find utterly unacceptable as a direct result of him opening a MySpace account, you have the power to make him shut it down. If it were my child, I wouldn't deny him the opportunity to prove he can be trusted with this. Given the watchful eye you already have over him, I believe you would catch something that wasn't right way before it got out of hand.
• United States
28 Jul 09
Just something I forgot to mention. I would make it clear to him from the beginning that you have decided to let him open an account because you trust him and believe he is a good kid and will not abuse this privelage. I would also tell him that if he doesn't use the account wisely and decides to engage in inappropriate activities, the account will be closed immediately. This is just what I would do. I don't have kids yet, but I do have a brother that is 7.5 years younger than me, so I am thinking about this with him in mind.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Very well put Cobra. He is a good kid, and I am pretty sure he'll keep his head straight. Thanks for the good tips here. It's ok if you don't have kids of your own, you still have offered good advice and you are right, his good behavior deserves rewards, and I should allow him the chance to prove he can be trusted with this. Happy mylotting
• United States
31 Jul 09
This is my personal opinion and experience, you can take it for whats its worth... My children also were introduced to the computers at about that age. I worried about them. But then I decided that I had raised to know right from wrong, respect themselves....and I didn't worry so much. Kids will be kids. They are curious by nature. Of course they are going to seek what parents tell them not to. You can't stop it. If you sit over him and watch everything he does, he will most likely seek what you wish him not to. Its the "forbidden" fruit thing. If you tell a child NO, they will do it out of spite, and with a sense of rebellion. If you EXPLAIN to them the down side of doing thing you would hope they do not do, they will respect your wishes and think for themselves. I have an advantage here that most who will or have responded don't have, I know your children. LOL If you express your wishes in a manner that doesn't sound like a flat our refusal to do so, he will listen. He is 14, he has a good head on his shoulders, give him and yourself a little more credit for the way he was raised. I am not saying to give him free rein... but you do not need to look over his shoulder while he is on this silly machine. You can periodically check the history to see where he been... just to make you feel better, but give him a little slack. I don't think you will be disappointed.
1 person likes this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Great response and I agree. Yesterday I was watching tv while he was playing his game online. I figure he can't get into much trouble there, and the person he was chatting with lives right across the street. He does get on youtube but only to listen to music while he's playing. I told him I didn't want him doing any searches on youtube because sometimes you search for one thing totally innocent but all this other not so innocent stuff shows up in results. I still haven't talked to him about getting a social network page yet because he hasn't asked, and I want it to be a surprise for him so I planned on talking to him about it at supper tonight. I know he's gonna be excited :). Thanks for your input here anyways I know I can't argue or you'll slap me upside the head ROFL!
@Angelgirl16 (2171)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Hi, You are right to be concerned about the social networking sites your son may want to visit. There are some real predators out in cyberspace, waiting to reek havoc on the innocent children who just want to interact with their peers. If you allow your son to socialize with friends(old, or new)I suggest sitting down with him and having a cyberspace safety conversation with him. Give him your rules for safe surfing and the consequences if the rules are broken. I have little relatives (other people's children) that have no rules for surfing, they seem to be many many sites that I personally feel are inappropriate, but I am just a visiting relative. They on sites such as MySpace,Youtube,Icarly and ohter. Not only to they frequent these and other sites, they're surfing for hours at a time. Parent's have to invade their children's space, sometimes, to keep them safe.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
29 Jul 09
I know what you mean. I've seen kids glued to the internet, video games, or tv almost all day long. I kick my boys out I make them go outside and play. They need the good fresh air and activity. Today we all went out and played in the sprinkler together it was awesome. Kinda funny big old me playing like a child in the sprinklerbut it was so blasted hot today. We had fun though so it was worth looking goofy LOL!
@Sweeten (159)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I used social networking sites a couple of years back and I think I was about 15 when I got into it and I had some 200 friends. From my personal experience it didn't make me want to think hey I'm cool I'm going to go out and get wasted. I actually ended up quiting the site because I never checked my profile and everyone else was like addicted and updated their profile like every 5 min. I believe that the internet is safer for your child to communicate with his friends vs. communicating face to face because when it comes down to that the peer pressure is at its greatest and on the internet you can atleast think about what your doing. I think it is safe to let him try the sites if he wants to but let him know that if he does you are going to moniter it occasionally and that you don't want him hanging out with the wrong crowd.
1 person likes this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
29 Jul 09
You've got a very good point "I believe that the internet is safer for your child to communicate with his friends vs. communicating face to face because when it comes down to that the peer pressure is at its greatest and on the internet you can at least think about what your doing" I didn't think of it that way but you're right. He'd have a chance to think before acting and the internet can easily be turned off as to where in person it's much more difficult.
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
28 Jul 09
Well in our case we do allow our son to have facebook account. But we are the ones to access his account and he doesn't have access to it when were not around. His computer time is when were around and when were not around he is not yet allowed to access the net at his will. I think children nowadays need to be familiarize themselves with this but with proper supervision. In your case I guess it is just right that you monitor your child when surfing.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I agree that they do need to familiarize themselves with it. It's just scary how much worse things have gotten since I was a teen 15 years ago. I mean I wasn't peachy keen and all that but the kids today my gosh they are into everything it seems. Thanks for your input here and happy mylotting.
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
28 Jul 09
That is true, Net is indeed a very risky place to be but with proper guidance one can learn many things from there too.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
27 Jul 09
What about letting him have facebook instead of myspace? Facebook seems to be a lot better than myspace. You could let him have one, but under the conditions that you have to have his password at all times. You could even make it that he has to let you see any friends before he approves them. That way you can make sure that he isn't accepting the wrong types of friends.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Checking his friends before he approves them is an excellent idea. This way I know what's going on. Thanks
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I discovered my daughter on myspace when she was about 13. I had her account deleted only to find she had put up another one with her name slightly mispelled and this time she had pics and had set up the account from a friends house. So after taking away her computer privileges for a while, here is what we did. She was allowed to set up a myspace but it had to be set to private and I had to be in her friends list so I could keep an eye on things as well. I understand your fears but if a kid is going to get sucked up into all the bad stuff that kids do, he will do it whether online or off. One thing that I did find was that by being right in there, I could see what was going on and also with her friends which I rather know than be in the dark. You are right. These kids are not even considering that teachers or parents are possibly reading what they put up there. The fact is that many parents don't pay attention and neither do the teacher. My daughter is a good kid and she is now 15 and so far I've had no real problems with her as a result of letting her get on there. Your son sounds to be the same. I think if you allowed him to with stipulations, he'd probably be ok.
1 person likes this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Oh yes the good old " If they won't let me do it at home I'll just do it somewhere else" I remember those days ( me being that way that is) LOL! It's good to know you haven't had any real problems as a result of her having her myspace. I'm so thankful for everyone's posts here really I feel much better going into this situation with these tips and information under my belt. Thanks so much
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
28 Jul 09
I can understand your concerns. My daughter (14) and my son (16), both have myspace. What I did is I opened a myspace of my own and that way I can keep track of who their friends are and what is going on. I know most of the kids in their circle and am able to keep track of things without being too nosy. Many of the kids parents have also set up their own myspace and we keep track of all the kid's activities. Set his profile to private so they are not viewed by anyone who is not approved. If I see a "friend" I don't recognize, then I'll question and find out who that person is. I would let him get one, and limit the amount of time he spends on it, so that it doesn't become an obsession. Good luck! I
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jul 09
Hi, I don't have any children at that age, but I do know many school students that have myspace accounts. I have heard many stories of how they abuse each other on myspace and a site by the name of youtube. Even the media has shown disturbing clips from, fights on school bus, and young ladies in gangs beating up on a single individual. You have a great idea to open your own account to keep an eye on your children's active. The most important thing is their safety.
1 person likes this
• India
28 Jul 09
Mam i think u can allow him to go online for social networking sites coz they are safe enough and Yes keep a watch on which sites he visits and if needed install a software that monitors all the online history of your PC but i think you can trust him as u have mentioned that u had no problems with him and he even socializes well.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Jul 09
Let him join those sites, for you to observe and know what he's doing. in that way you would know things that would prevent him from following a bad example that's being shown in the internet. not allowing him can good, but not for a while...he will soon crave for it and join in the internet and sign up with out your approval. and that's when he would learn to lie and lie, until you realized he wasn't the same any more...i know, because i became that person...
• Indonesia
28 Jul 09
I am a man 24 years old, I read yours... and I think your decision is right, 14 year old is not enough to choose who become his good friend, even from the social networking. I use internet when I 17 years old, I never touch the internet before high school, I think it help me, because when we 17 years we more mature and ready to filter the influence. and one more things we must to do... teach your child about religion very well, it will be help our son to remember god when he want to do something.
1 person likes this