what should i do ?

Indonesia
July 29, 2009 1:23am CST
i have great family for the last five years and have a wonderful boy and wife, we've been married for 5 years, untill a few days ago my college friend were showing up in my facebook and giving me some information that she met with my ex-girlfriend (for the information, my ex-girlfriend is my truly first love) and she's married too and also have a boy, we broke up because she moved to the other college and we never contact, it was the dark momment in my life and i was desperated for year,love and hate collide, right now these 10 years old memories with my ex-girlfriend suddenly playback in my head and this is really not good at all, and my wife feel there's a change in my attitude, and last week my friend told me that she have my ex-girlfirend contact number, i hate this situation, should i make contact?because to be honest i really want to make contact with her but the other side i'm affraid for the next situation that i can't predict.
8 people like this
30 responses
@cobra1368 (704)
• United States
29 Jul 09
You have a wife and a son now. I wouldn't do it. Besides, you may have changed over the years, or she may have changed, and it wouldn't be the same as it was way back when you were in love. I didn't marry my true love either. We separated to go to separate colleges as well. Now, almost a decade later, we are both married to other people, and he has two kids. He isn't very happy in his marriage right now, but he's working on it. While I still love him and always will, I won't just drop my husband for him. I love my husband and would never want to hurt him like that. My ex and I still speak. He is one of my best friends. It only works because both of us are strong, independent people that know the severity of the consequences if we are to ever act on our emotions for one another. It helps that he lives in another state quite far away from me. Before you decide to do anything, think long and hard about the consequences. You may even want to sit down and talk to your wife about it. Tell her your struggles. She may not like it, but if you have a good relationship, you should be able to tell her these things and not have your marriage instantly go to pieces. Good luck, buddy. That is a hard one to deal with. I know from experience.
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
thx cobra for the advice..seems you have similiar experience with me :D the different is my-ex live not even 10 miles far awar and rent a house (i thought she's already moved far far away from my city) i think to decisive my self to stand with curent situation rather to make any careless things that i will regret.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
You just have to keep in mind that if you do decide to act on your emotions with this girl, it could devastate your wife and child. You have to ask yourself if it is worth the risk. Take care!
1 person likes this
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
29 Jul 09
No, imanharyanto. Don't make any contact with her. Keep your distance because you're now married, so is she. You cannot afford to have feelings for an ex-girlfriend when you now have a wife and also a child to look after. Don't play with fire. Remember that she's married too and her husband will not be happy if you get in the way. Avoid getting entangled into this kind of situation. It's best you forget completely about her by focusing on your current family who need your love and care more. It sounds cruel, but I don't think you've a choice at this point.
2 people like this
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
Yeah, I' with you. If so, delete your account FB account or make a new one, or delete the friend that related to her. Believe me, I'm younger than you imanharyanto, but I ever be in your position, (and I'll married soon)
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jul 09
I agree with you, you shouldn't many any contact with her. You definitely do not want to play with fire. But if you're wife is noticing that something is wrong, I would definitely tell her about it and just get her opinion on the situation. Also assure your wife that you won't make contact because you do not want to ruin what you have with your family. I hope that helps you out a little bit.
@divkris (1163)
• India
29 Jul 09
Hmmm - probably you should speak about it to your wife. Remember, a woman grows wilder when she is unable to trace the attitude change in her hubby. I think the best thing would be to get her opinion because now it she is a part of your life. THen if yo have a go ahead, and if you don't mean any harm to yourself, your family and your ex-gf's family, you can very well develop a friendly contact. You may never know your ex and your wife may become thick friends too :)
2 people like this
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
thanks div for the opinion,however if i tell my wifey the truth i'm affraid the situation become more complicated, and possibly she feel about me would change because she's a little bit jealousy person. :)
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Jul 09
You really do need to talk to your wife cause of this little thing called woman's intuition that is why she can tell your attitude change, and as long as you have nothing to hide it will be fine. Divkris is right maybe your wife and ex will become friends.
@4mymak (1796)
• Malaysia
29 Jul 09
hi iman, it is not easy to forget your first love, but you both have moved on with your lives and have new lives now.. and sounds like you appreciate the love that you share with your wife and your child.. i think it is better for you to focus on what you have now - the love that you have nurtured with your dear wife. Try to bring yourself back to the present - and 'be with your wife', instead of giving in to the memories of your ex. i agree with one response that maybe you should talk to wife about this.. i think u have to be clear as to why you would want to contact the girl again - is it just to say hi, and see how she is?.. if that is the case - i think it is ok to call her, and just chitchat.. but if you are really not sure - better dont risk it..
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
..this last few days really takes energy for me to think about this situation..i think i'll step back not to make any risky thing..i really love my family..thx all..
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
I do not know why you are still asking that? You are married. You already have kids... Do not do anything that can ruin your family... You already said that you already have a great family...What can you ask for?
2 people like this
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
thanks finally i decisive not to make any contact..yes you're very very right i don't want to ruin for what i've build...thx a lot
1 person likes this
• China
29 Jul 09
I won't say yes or no. I just want to analyse the situation for you. first of all, Now both of you have own family.if you just want to say hi to each other and keep in touch with friends . you should talk with your wife , and listen to her suggestion . she has right to know those. although everyone want to have own space . of course,major premise you can controll the situation.include your feelings.10 years later, maybe you could make friends.This is the best ending.Good luck to you!
@308369666 (111)
• China
29 Jul 09
You are now you should take the responsibility of the family, the wife think you are now good for you, for your child's good, she paid all of you, do you think you should abandon her right, not fantasy, and treasure you are now all.
2 people like this
@jules67 (2790)
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
No matter how long it is, memory still remains. When you said that your friend had the number of your ex-girlfriend, and you were toying the idea to contact her, what for? Are you asking for closure? In those years that you had not seen her, you were able to move on and now, you have a great family. In that brief moment when you said that it all played back in your head, you relieved all the memories. Memories, happy and sad and it was a dark moment of your life. Will you still go back to that moment? You are already married and your ex as well. Savor what you have now with your family, a great family you said.
2 people like this
@shimanaja (495)
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
Hi there iman.. Just for you and your family own good..you shouldnt make contact with her.. Dont start to make confuse your wife..it's very rude.. You told that you're afraid for the next situation that you can't predict..so dont do it.. Your marriage is a commitment..for good and bad you have to love your wife and family. If your wife at your position now...would you accept her to caontact her ex true love?..Just think bout it friend...
@iskayz (5422)
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
Hi there! In my opinion, I suggest don't.. It seems you're feelings for your ex have been rekindled by the memories and being able to communicate with her might provoke you to something not good. You are afraid, that means you are not sure of your motives why you want to communicate with her. She's married now and so are you. She's not a part of your present life anymore. Just be satisfied remembering her. If the day comes and fate does it's thing and you see her again, then just see what will happen next. Hope that helps. Ciao!
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
iskayz thanks for the advice..yess you're right probably the best way is just to remember the memories...the situation isn't the same anymore..even in my deepest heart want to make communication with her :)
1 person likes this
@iskayz (5422)
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
I'm glad you have taken my advice.. Be strong for yourself and not let yourself do something that you might regret someday. If your other friend continues to tell you stories about your ex, just ignore it. Think about your wife often. It will help you to forget your feelings for your ex. Blessed day to you!
2 people like this
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
that's very disturbing and sad to hear. but i think you should not see her just because you remembered some old stuff in your life. you two got your own families, id say deal with it. at least tell your wife the truth. but with being away for so many years, i really doubt she would feel the same way..so, better not do it.
1 person likes this
• Indonesia
29 Jul 09
thanks letran for the opnion :)
1 person likes this
@mapuang (615)
• Philippines
29 Jul 09
you have a family now. as u say your family is a great dont this ex gf ruin your 5 years great marriage. yes u can get your ex gf number just to say hi, how are you or just like that but of course theres a limitation. your life is different now. you have a family you should focus your life in your family not on your ex gf.
1 person likes this
• Belgium
29 Jul 09
Yes, a married person should have self-discipline.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
Been there, done that!! DON'T make contact with her because if you do, what you convince yourself won't happen will happen before you even realize!!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
I would not make any contact personally. You are putting your marriage on the line IMO in doing so. I know it was your first love BUT, your wife may not feel the same about you contacting this person. Would you like her contacting old flames? Probably not.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
Well as a mother of 1 boy, i would say for your kids best interest, stay out of contact with the ex. You must have loved this woman you married, you gave her children! Sometimes things get rough, but if you love your wife and family, you would stay true to them. For your children most of all. If you and your wife have no problems and no reason to seperate, just this little flair, step back on it. Your family needs you. Hope i could help =)
1 person likes this
• Canada
29 Jul 09
Well, in one of your comments, you said this: "if i tell my wifey the truth i'm affraid the situation become more complicated, and possibly she feel about me would change because she's a little bit jealousy person.:)" This is your answer, in a nutshell. If you cannot be honest with your wife about your desire to contact your ex-girlfriend, you should not do it. Don't turn the situation around and place your guilty conscience on your wife's shoulders Saying she will be jealous is just giving yourself a reason not to tell her... and that's wrong. Try to remember that things often seem "perfect" in retrospect. Yes, you had a great relationship with your first love (everyone remembers their first love). However, that relationship ended for certain reasons. You have since moved on and so has she. Please don't make the assumption that because you still hold feelings for her that she feels the same way. She may be very angry with you if you contact her -- especially if you have some less than honorable intentions possibly floating around in the back of your mind. I had this happen to me a few years ago when an ex-boyfriend located me through the Classmates website - so I do have some experience for the answer I'm giving you :) As someone else said, you're playing with fire. Don't be naive enough to believe your wife won't find out if you re-establish contact with the ex-girlfriend. She will. Finally, I'd suggest that you try placing a shoe firmly on the other foot -- if your wife wanted to contact an ex-boyfriend, called him her true first love and began to romanticize in her mind what they used to have together, would you encourage her to call him up? Thinking about how you would feel might help you consider your wife's feelings a little more clearly. I wish you the best of luck.
1 person likes this
• India
29 Jul 09
hi, this balu i am give one sugestion to you. u have one good wife and beautiful boy. in this to dont call to your old x girl friend. now u have some comitments. this time is uu contact with x girl friend not good for both. she is also maried. when ever she will meet unexpected just hi. dont proceed more.
1 person likes this
@grace118224 (1040)
• China
29 Jul 09
Why not try to contact her ? It's OK just old friend !!! It's hard to have love feelilng after breaking up for so many years . In the past i thought i couldn't forget my first love but with time goes by i don't have any love feeling for him any longer . It's natural although we have a long time relationship .
1 person likes this
@indahfth (11173)
• Indonesia
3 Jan 12
All, depending on destination you call your ex-girlfriend. If only to make friends, it's not a problem. However, your wife should know this. You should be able to keep your household. If you call your ex-girlfriend, to a relationship the same way again. You made a big mistake. Your wife would not be able to receive, you are in a relationship with another woman. You should pay attention to your wife's feelings.
@vandana7 (63594)
• India
20 Aug 09
I think u should be discussing the issue with ur wife, and with her permission, contacting that ex-girlfriend. So long as u r not out of those ideas, u cant really be happy and honest. Agreed it is a risk. But u do need to face it. Remember it may not feel the same way as u felt earlier. In fact, u might feel odd with her. She might have changed some bit, and u too might have got accustomed to something about ur wife that u dont find in her. U do need to break those shackles, otherwise u will end up speculating and fantasizing about her and eventually end up with a broken relationship.