have i been good?
By cloudwatcher
@cloudwatcher (6861)
Australia
November 22, 2009 2:47am CST
“Have I been good?” is a question so often asked by children that I have to ask why. It seems they no longer know what “being good” is. They KNOW when they have been naughty, but they don’t know whether or not they’ve been good. Why?
I made a mini study of this, because so often when parents came to collect their children, they would ask their child if he/she has been good and more and more often the child would turn to the leader and ask “Have I been good today?”
[i][b]Why is it that children understand “naughty” but do not understand “good”?
Is it because they are constantly told they are naughty - but never told when they are good?
Do they constantly hear “Don’t do that” or are repeatedly in trouble for various actions or words?[/b][/i]
So we need to ask the question: “What is good behaviour?”
When I have asked children this, they tell me things like keeping their room tidy, helping Mum, doing their homework, not complaining, not teasing their brother/sister, not fighting, not getting angry, not . . . not . . . not . . .
Many people have found that this ONE simple definition of “being good” has been the biggest help in child behaviour management:
Good behaviour is ANYTHING which is NOT NAUGHTY.
MOST children - even unruly ones - are good most of the time.
If we only acknowledge the BAD, we are cementing the idea into their heads that they are bad.
We need to affirm the times that they are good - not just the times they are doing chores or the like, but the times when they are occupying themselves playing or reading or sharing - or just being good (NOT being naughty). We need to let them know they have been good and let them know we appreciate it.
[b]So what do YOU think is “being good”?
Are children you know aware of when they are “being good”?[/b]
2 people like this
5 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Nov 09
Dang it woman, you're making me cry...
Well see it would have been nice, when I was a child, if I had actually been told when I did something right. I remember this babysitter, Don, who loved my little sister because she was so sweet, and didn't like me at all because I was mischievous. One night I made a huge effort to be good and at the end of the night I asked him if I had been good and he responded that I had been good this one time, but that next time I'd no doubt be bad again? I never made the effort with him again.
You are right, it is so important to let people (especially children) know when they're being good. Why would they want to be good if 1) they don't even know what that means and 2) they have no reason to believe that it's appreciated?
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
23 Nov 09
Dawn, many times I have been close to tears when a child turns to me asking if they've been good. So many children these days seem to be crying out for acceptance and trying any way they can to get it - seemingly mostly in vain.
I'm afraid Don's response to you is typical of a lot I've heard from parents. In front of their children, they express surprise that we find them adorable. I've had a number of mothers (in front of their children) say things like, "How could you like a kid like her? She's impossible!" Of course the child is impossible for her! It is so heartbreaking to see how these kids respond to loving care with positive discipline, but then to see them leave with their parents putting them down.
PS I've missed my Daily Dose of Dawn the last few days!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Nov 09
I have been letting the kids hog the computer and I've been catching up on my reading, so I won't be on too much this week. But I'll be back next week in force, time allowing! :-)
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
22 Nov 09
Hi Cloudwatcher, I can honestly say I've never encountered this one. My son knows that polite respectful behaviour is the norm and never acts anyway other than that except with me, which I expect when he's over tired. The culture here is that children are expected to be like that so his friends are also the same around other people but a different side will also come out when in their own homes. Mine is a master of knowing how to annoy me, such as playing and singing along to some dreadful song whilst I'm in the shower and can't do a thing about it.
His idea of stressing he's been extra good is a deliberate ploy to butter me up for something, so he'll make me a coffee without being asked. He's currently on a being especially good campaign and letting me know it, as he has something he wants for his name day. To me the being extra good means he does the things he's asked to do without being asked repeatedly, and even volunteers to do things beyond the expected. So I'd say good behaviour is natural so he would never ask if he's been good, but he will tell me that he's been extra good just in case I haven't noticed when he thinks it will work to his advantage. This is excellent news today as I'm about the start the dreaded housework and he'll be lugging the mop bucket along without complaint and will probably even volunteer to do a bit of the ironing.
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
22 Nov 09
Hi Thea. I'd say children were more like that when mine were young, but things have changed in the last 40 years and changed rapidly in the last 10-15 years. (If that means your culture is behind ours I hope it doesn't catch up!)
My boys always knew what was expected and I never had problems. In the last five years, it seems as if children are always asking if they have been good. I discreetly asked questions of the children and the parents and found some surprising results. ALL the children were quite vocal about being naughty, but their concept of being good was skimpy and mostly not...not...not... Parents of "naughty" children (their definition) could only accumulate 10 - 30 minutes a day of "naughtiness" but couldn't detail anything "good". Isn't anything that is not naughty, good?
Happy housework!
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
23 Nov 09
I think in a positive aspect, children nowadays are mature and prone to environment surrounding them. They want to strive to be the best in their parents eyes as well as educators and friends. They want to lead a good example, and feels that the whole world's responsibility lies in their tiny shoulders. It's actually good that they have this conscious aspect, which means that they have the desire to do good and be good. But as long as it's not an obsession for always to be the champion, I think it's a healthy trait. I think kids think good means being praised by parents mainly at this stage..
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
23 Nov 09
Thanks for your response Zed.
While I think children the world over have much in common, I also see great differences. I have been very greatly impressed with the behaviour and attitude of children from Korea, Philippines. Indonesia, Vietnam and Malaysia. Their behaviour is way, way, way superior to that of Australian children and they show utmost respect to all adults, which we don't see in all Aussie kids.
While I would love to see the attitude you speak of in Australian children - and do see it in some - it is NOT the general attitude. In fact, I would say the opposite is true in the majority.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
29 Jan 10
you are so right. i always tried to tell my children when they were being especially good. this is right on and others should do it. my mom was one that only said when i was being bad but my aunts always said i was a good child. its the only thing that saved me from feeling bad about myself forever.
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
29 Jan 10
I work in children's ministry and I am astounded at the number of children who don't know if they've been good. They can rattle off a whole list of "naughty" things they do, but have trouble telling me anything about being good. One girl thought hard and then concluded "I tidied my room a bit last week". So sad!
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
22 Nov 09
I have to agree we all have the ability to choose what is important, or what is right or wrong, but I also believe this choice is becoming more and more difficult for children because they are receiving so much conflicting information. Children learn mainly by example, but when the examples they encounter present varying information, they are faced with uncertainty.
