Would you be offended if...

United States
January 29, 2010 10:22am CST
I met this guy and we started talking on the phone or instant messengering regularly. We talked about politics and social issues, and were planning to go to a rally together. One day he was talking to me while his brother sat next to him, and his bro asked why he spent so much time talking to some girl. He told his brother "it was because I was hot". I got really upset. Although I knew he liked me, I was bothered that to shut his brother up he chopped me up to my looks. He didn't say that we had a lot in common, or that we had fun together, he just said that I was pretty, and he couldn't figure out why I was upset. Would you be offended by this? I realize that he considered what he said a complement, but it still bothered me a lot because it made it seem like my looks were all that mattered in the end.
2 people like this
17 responses
• United States
29 Jan 10
I wouldn't get offended, especially if I knew that he liked me and that we had a lot in common and always had fun together. It might be that he was just keeping things light-hearted instead of getting all serious with his brother. That is probably just the relationship that they have and has absolutely nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. Often times guys do not want to talk about their feelings with other guys, especially not members of their family, because family members often tease each other. Instead of making a big deal out of the situation and giving his brother something to tease him about, he just kept it simple. I am sorry that it hurt you, and you should definitely talk with him about it. I would not take it too personally, though, especially since he really was trying to give you a compliment. Also, try to keep in mind that it might just be something that would save him embarrassment rather than a reflection of his true feelings about you.
• United States
29 Jan 10
You know what, I never thought about it that way. The part about not wanting to share his feelings. I actually had a friend tease me about hanging out with a guy once. We were just friends, but she insisted that we were dating because we hung out a lot. It used to get on my nerves a lot, and I ended up saying that I guess she and I should start hanging out so much, because people might think we were dating too. She stopped teasing me after that, lol. Thanks for posting this. I hadn't considered that.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 10
Guys tend to be like that, especially if they really like a girl. Sometimes they do not want to let on how much they like the girl to family members and certain friends, because they do not want to deal with teasing. Sometimes they are unsure of how the girl feels about them, so they do not want to reveal their feelings too soon and risk getting hurt or rejected. Outwardly focusing on a girls looks in a positive fashion seems like a safe thing for them to do (at least in their own minds) to avoid being hurt or teased, especially if they have deeper feelings for the girl. On the other hand, there really are guys out there that are very shallow and only interested in girls for their looks. The guy that you are describing does not sound like that type of guy, however, especially since you have spent a lot of time talking on the phone and interacting through instant messaging - neither of which involves visual contact.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Purplealabaster, you should consider giving relationship advice full time, you're very good at not only presenting another perspective, but doing so without alienating. Sometimes I forget that I am much more open than some folks, and that women especially are more encouraged to do so when it comes to these things. I kind of feel silly for forgetting this. He and I are supposed to hang out next week. We have been around each other face to face before, but that encounter was pretty short.
1 person likes this
@mdvarghese (1789)
• Bangalore, India
29 Jan 10
Hi...dedgurl Take it cool. I thingk you are reading the usage in a different way.That is his way of saying. You should have called him and settled the matter later instead of complaining about the silly matter. Happy mylotting
• United States
29 Jan 10
Hey mdvarghese, What did you mean by "That is his way of saying"? I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. Also while you might not have meant to sound rude with the line "you should have called him and settled the matter later instead of complaining about the silly matter" you did. I told him that I was upset by the comment. He couldn't understand why, and I explained using what I wrote above, that his comment came off like the other reasons weren't as important as my looks.
• Bangalore, India
30 Jan 10
Hi..dedgurl. I am not rude with you and I am sorry, if anything hurt you. This may be because of my poor English. My suggestion was to you that to take it cool. I am extremely sorry for what happened here.
• United States
31 Jan 10
Thanks for clearing that up. I didn't think you meant to be rude, I just figured I misunderstood. Have a good week.
@Ladyslipper (1330)
• Philippines
29 Jan 10
If this has happened to me I woud take this as a compliment. Did you ask him what he meant by the word "hot"? I would tell you one thing. I have a lot of guy friends. My best friend is also a guy. Usually when they would tell me that they like this girl because she is hot they don't only mean that she is hot because of her looks. My guy bestfriend once told me she would really love to court one of the girls in their class. He said the girl was hot. He told me that the girl is cute, smart and good in playing piano. He evn told me that the girl is conservative. My best frined does not like aggressive girls. He likes her girl to be meek and silent type. He does not get attracted also to girls showing their skin. She prefers her girl in jeans, without make- up and just wearing a simple blouse. So I guess you have to ask him what he meant by "hot". One of my brods describes an athletic girl usually good in tennis as hot. :)
• United States
29 Jan 10
Ladyslipper, I never thought of that either. I could have jump to conclusions about what he meant when he used the word. I automatically assumed he was just talking about my appearance, and just my appearance because that's generally what my guy friends mean when they say hot (of course they also use more vulgar phrases which they consider the same thing). You are right, each person has their own definitions for the words they use, and I shouldn't have just assumed what his were.
@coolcoder (2022)
• United States
30 Jan 10
You know what they say about assumptions, don't you?
@dpk262006 (55919)
• Delhi, India
29 Jan 10
Hi there! You are right in thinking that remarks of your boy friend were not in good taste and uncalled for. He should have respected your sentiments and dignity, you can warn him to be careful in future. You can also tell that he has no business to hurt you.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Thanks for commenting dpk262006, I think the thing that really bothered me is that if he was listening to me at all he would have anticipated my upset. I would never tell my friends that I hung out with him because he bought me a lot of presents or whatever. I'm not a gold digger, and we aren't friends because of that, we're friends because we have a lot in common and have fun together. I think he might have felt pressure to say I was cute, but I don't know, and I will be honest if he felt pressure, and my looks have nothing to do with things, or at least that's not the main thing, him not saying so makes him seem like a coward. I can understand being scared, but I just wouldn't do that to him.
@dpk262006 (55919)
• Delhi, India
30 Jan 10
Hi there! I appreciate your thoughts and stand. He should love you because of yr qualities and traits, not only for yr outer appearance.
@ladym33 (11009)
• United States
1 Feb 10
As someone who has been judged on my looks most of my life I do understand where you are coming from. I found out a couple of times that I got two different jobs because of my looks and it did offend me. Because I really was qualified and did not need my looks to get me a job. I do understand why you were offended because you had, had many wise conversations with him and you wanted him to see you as more than just a pretty face but also as a smart woman. I would not be too hard on him though, that was probably just the first thing that came to his mind and he was probably trying to compliment you. It does not mean that he does not think you are bright and a joy to talk to as well. After all "Hot" could certainly be a total package.
• United States
3 Feb 10
Hey there, I'm glad to see that you could understand my perspective. I certainly wasn't trying to give him a hard time, I just got upset that of all my qualities the physical ruled out when it came to explaining our friendship to another guy. I felt betrayed, or even like he was trying to regulate me to some sort of trophy status. I don't think he meant to do this, but then I wonder if despite not meaning to betray me he actually thought it was a good thing to trophy girl me. You said that you have gotten jobs that you later discovered were given because you are attractive. Gosh, that must have been very, very upsetting. How did you find this out? And if it is okay, what kind of jobs were these?
@calai618 (1781)
• Philippines
30 Jan 10
i dont think i would be upset with that. there are a million possible reasons why he may have said that.he may have just said that to shut his brother up or maybe that's how they talk with each other.. "hot" has also become a household term already. a girl can be described as hot and can mean not only her looks but also as "the best among the rest", "the nicest person to hang out with" or "better/cooler than others"//basically better than other girls.. I mean, i would have been more upset if he directly said i were "pretty" because it is obviously because of how i look (but still he may have been joking and maybe just said it to shut his brother up)..
• United States
31 Jan 10
Hey calai618, I don't know what he meant. Generally I associate the phrase with physical appearance, but as you and others have stated his meaning might be different. I do believe that he did say it to get his brother to shut up, but I can't help but be curious why he thought this would satisfy his brother, and what that means. I am hanging out with him next week, and plan to ask him what he meant by the phrase. We've talked about it before, and I do worry he might be irritated that I brought it up again, but it is still bothering me.
@enyniya (300)
• Bulgaria
30 Jan 10
I have 2 brothers so trust me on this one. Men are observers, they appreciate most the looks of a woman. And when they actually spend time with a woman just for the sake of fun and getting to know her they are kind of embarrassed from it. Why? Because they almost never share stuff like " she knows me" or "she sees my soul". These lines will never make them heroes or cool at all, so that;s why they say " hey ,man that chick is super hot!!!" oonly because they want to look cool in front of their friends and because they want their friends to like you. If this guy told his brother that he had met the most amazing girl that is smart, sophisticated, interesting and actually very hot, his brother would laugh and tell him to man up. So don't get upset, you obviously like him don't blow your connection!
• United States
30 Jan 10
I have a lot of guy friends as well as a younger brother, and a cousin who is practically like another brother. I know that guys do things like this. I don't really like the cool part of it, saying things so they look cool, instead just standing up for how they feel, but what you said about wanting their friends to like the girl they like is something I hadn't considered. Thanks for bringing that up. I don't intend to blow him off, because it wouldn't be fair when I don't know why he said what he said. I am still hanging out with him next week.
• Philippines
30 Jan 10
yes i would be offended in that situation. because he didn't give me some respect although i give him a respect and me he didn't give respect on what he told on her brother.
• United States
30 Jan 10
mlno054321, That's pretty much how I viewed his comment at first. However I also forgot to think about the differences in people. How I show respect, and how he shows respect is different. He and I are just getting to know each other so I don't know if his meaning was how I took it.
@coolcoder (2022)
• United States
30 Jan 10
He paid you a compliment, and you're offended by this? *headdeskfacepalm* No offense, but this is exactly the reason that a lot of guys are afraid to say anything to a woman. As a result,women demand to know why their significant others never say anything nice to them! To answer your question, NO! I would not be offended by this. With all due respect, you need to stop looking for things to be insulted by, because this shouldn't be one of them.
• United States
30 Jan 10
Hey Coolcoder, Different people react to things in different ways. I was offended, you said you would not have been in that case. I wouldn't tell you how you should have reacted to this situation, so I appreciate it if you'd not tell me how I should have reacted, or that I was looking to be insulted.
@apples99 (6564)
• United States
29 Jan 10
Well I would be mildly offended because the statement that he made to his brother would be offensive to a girl or woman who thinks of her relationship as more then just a physical attraction, also if she wants the guy she likes to view her the same. but as long as you understand his reasons for saying what he said, he was trying to play the relationship down so his brother would not make fun of him so as long as your sure of the guys true feelings you shouldn't let what he said to his brother bother you to much. but if it really bothers you maybe you should consider asking your new guy friend why he said that dont make the conversation to heavy just ask and see what his responds is I'm no relationship expert but I think its always best to be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings just talk about things.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Thanks for the advice apples99. When we hang out I'm going to ask him what he meant. I agree that being honest is important. I'm a little worried he might get annoyed though, as I told him I didn't think what he said was cool, but its still bothering me, and I think he deserves to know that it does.
• China
29 Jan 10
maybe it is only the speaking style, it doesn't means that he is a bad guy. but if you cannot abide it, I think you should consider it again. good luck
• United States
29 Jan 10
Thanks for the advice Parker008. I really hope he's a good guy.
@kaylachan (4778)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
29 Jan 10
I know I would be greatly so. I don't think woman should be judged based soully on their looks, but apparently the rest of the world seems to think so. I'm one of those who takes care of me, for me, and don't do it to please someone else. However, if a person was talking to me because they liked how I looked, I would instently think they were trying to get in my pants and by being nice to me it would help them acomplish that goal much faster.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Hey Kaylachan, That was definitely how I felt. I started to wonder if he weren't simply humoring me until he could get me in the sack, which I can say right now, won't happen. Certainly complementing a person on how they appear isn't bad, but if that's all a person is about, I am not interested.
• United States
29 Jan 10
I probably wouldn't be offended by this, but then again I'm not a girl. But from a guys perspective I think he was, as you said, just trying to shut his brother up. He probably didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure you do have a lot in common, enjoy each others company, and hey he really may also find you attractive. I don't think that is so bad. Is it?
• United States
29 Jan 10
Hey greatsasuke, To answer your question, no him finding me attractive is not a bad thing. The issue is more if he wanted to hang out only because he found me attractive, or if that was mostly why. When he made that comment it made me wary of him for an instant... actually I didn't feel wary immediately, but after I said something about his comment, I wondered if he were just amusing me because he wanted to sleep with me or something. I mean, like anyone I want to be desired, but I would much rather be around people who was laughing and having fun with me because what I was saying was funny, or witty, and not because the face saying what I was, is cute... I hope that wasn't confusing.
• Philippines
29 Jan 10
Hello Dedgurlsingstheblus! I know and understand why you feel upset. Of course, us girls would want to hear reasons like "you have the same views... you have lots in common..." However, maybe he is not that vocal or shy to express his real feelings or thoughts towards you to his brother... I know that he wasn't really his intention to offend you in anyways... I think you should try to be more understanding and don't mind his comment that much if you want your friendship to continue... He just choosen a not so good reasoning... Try to know him more and see if you really like his personality or not.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Thanks for the advice Lovelyn_medrano. You made me think with your comment. I wonder if guys know these things about women (although I don't doubt there are those who want their looks validated). I also didn't consider that while he seems to express himself well when he and I are talking alone, his brother could make him feel restricted in what he can and can not say.
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
29 Jan 10
I wouldnt have gotten upset about it..in fact I would have laughed about it...Partly because its a compliment and partly because I know guys are just like that..To me it wouldnt be a big deal at all...
• United States
29 Jan 10
I understand that some men behave this way, but I don't want to be around someone who just thinks my looks are all that matter. I don't think this is what he means... or I hope it wasn't, but I wanted to let him know how it made me feel. I like to be honest and communicate with people. I think that when people don't do this they end up very unhappy.
@jb78000 (15178)
29 Jan 10
i think he was just being tactless - this is probably the way he talks with his brother and probably he didn't mean for you to think that your looks were all that he was interested in. have you talked to him since about how you felt? he might not have any idea that his careless comment wasn't taken as a compliment.
• United States
29 Jan 10
Hey again, JB, always nice to read your comments. To answer your question, yes, I talked to him about it, and while he apologized, it seemed more like he said "sorry" out of habit as opposed to actually understanding why I didn't respond positively. I even tried to give him a reverse scenario. I said something like it was the equivalent of a girl saying she hung out with a guy because he bought her a lot of gifts. When he didn't understand, I started to wonder if I was overreacting, which is why I posted here.
@maximax8 (27048)
29 Jan 10
Some guys are not gifted at saying the right things. Actions by them mean more than their words. Often a guy says something he thinks is cool to impress his brother. It might upset his girlfriend and he might not understand why because he is not an emotional person. I would take the word 'hot' as a compliment. I know he probably appreciates your personality but doesn't mention it. It is lovely that you are pretty and you are noted for your intelligence as well.