should I agree to stay with my in-laws?

Philippines
April 6, 2010 11:07am CST
I recently got married 3 months ago. my husband is working abroad and is currently living with his dad and 2 siblings. my husband wants me to follow him there but since we cannnot afford to get our own house, he wants me to stay with them for the time being. I honestly do not know what to think. I want to be with my husband but people have been advising against staying with my in laws. They say it can cause a lot of conflict. Thoughts, anyone?
2 people like this
14 responses
• Philippines
9 Apr 10
there might be some conflicts since they are your in laws. They might tend to see and only look at your negative sides. But on the good side, they will get to know you better if you live with them. But I think, you should talk with your husband about what you are feeling so you can come at an agreement.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
8 Apr 10
i think if you are already married, you should live on your own and build your own family.it is biblical that once a couple is already tied in marriage, they should be separated from their respective parents live on their own. we almost have the same case, nearly 2 months after our marriage, my husband went overseas for work too. the good thing is that he bought his own house for me to live there, and instead, my brother in law who is a student is living with me. the house he bought is near to his aunt's house, and i sometimes felt uncomfortable, though i am trying to get used to it. i guess, it will be easier if you will live on your own and to just stay with your in laws for a few just for visits instead of really living them.
1 person likes this
@elizam (75)
7 Apr 10
I think staying with your in-laws for a short while may not be so hard as it seems. Since it will be be for a while until you get your own place, hang in there. You might even enjoy the experience.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
i agree, i might even enjoy it! thanks elizam! no harm in trying, right?
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
Yes There is no harm in trying, Just enjoy and be friendly until you get their trust...
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
Yes there will be conflict. But you can't always avoid that. Besides if you don't have a choice then you'll have to do it. Besides, it's not always like that. You shouldn't have to worry about it especially if you know that his parents don't have a problem with you. My experience with conflict regarding my in-laws lies more in the financial aspect. In their house, their daughter who's already married and has a family, but has their own house, stays there for the most part. They arrive early in the morning, and leave late at night. Her husband works at night and sleeps in during the day. So to avoid noise at home they spend time at their parents' house. Plus they have a stay-in maid, and a house boy who also lives there. My MIL deals in different businesses, while my FIL is a computer technician. Money only comes in when there's a job to do. And feeding a lot of people every night, plus all the electricity, and the water used by all these people, you can imagine their bills are high. So when I lived there for a short while after our marriage, we made sure we pitched in with the expenses. We tried to mind our own businesses and thankfully they're not busybodies as well,so they also don't stick their noses into my husband's and my business. Sometimes we can't help the conflict especially where food is concerned. My husband's pet peeve is when he puts food meant for the two of us in the fridge, people in the house mistake it as "food for anyone". Well, he didn't invite anyone to get some of the food, but sometimes they don't really see it that way and the mentality is that anything put in the fridge is meant for everybody. So sometimes we go home and we find that food is no longer there. We got around that problem, until finally we were able to find a house to rent and we moved out as soon as we could.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
thanks for all that apoljuice1. you're right there's a possibility of conflict but it's something I really have to deal with. I guess what's important is I make it clear to my husband that we're moving out as soon as we can. thanks again!
@stanley777 (7177)
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
Sometimes it does cause a lot of conflict- it's always better to have your own home. But for the meantime- since you may have nowhere else to go- just stay with your in laws for a while and try to get along with them... :D good luck
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
you're right, maybe I should just try it out first but I will definitely make it clear to my husband that this will be a temporary thing. thanks stanley777!
@bettydeng5 (1696)
• China
7 Apr 10
I lived with my in laws, it's truth, my in laws have the different life opinion of mine, and sometimes we argue about something, I hate to live with them, but I don't have choice, because my husband ask me to live with them, and told that I should love my in laws. it's difficult for me to communicate with them.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
sorry to hear that bettydeng5. maybe time will come that everything will be allright between all of you. keep the faith.
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
7 Apr 10
Conflicts usually arise due to ego problems and many times due to the nature of the individuals concerned. Of course it is always good to be with ones spouse but when a situation like yours arises one has to accept it and adjust to the circumstance. In your case you don1t have any other choice but to adapt to it. Old people are generally very sensitive and feel that outsiders disturb the normal routine of their lives. The best thing for you would be to keep them in good humor at the same time and in a kindly way,stressing your individuality by being firm but not aggressive. Once they accept the fact that you are not just a daughter-in-law but like a daughter to them then your life with them will be harmonious and full of love. they will start doting on you and will be proud of you. and so will your husband.Best of luck in your married life.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
wow that was very helpful and insightful. thanks veejay 19. i really appreciate it.
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
7 Apr 10
Well if you want to be with your husband and that is the only way I would go. I think if its only your husband's dad and siblings it shouldn't be a problem. I can see if it was both parents because the mother of a son can at times be a problem. I think if its only them you really should go and be with your husband after all you are still newlyweds. Good luck and hope all works out for you both.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
thanks lelin1123! I am still thinking it through but I am leaning on going. I'm just scared of creating conflict between everyone. thanks again.
• India
6 Apr 10
nonsense, let me tell you something one if your in laws are younger or of the same age as you are then there is no problem as i think that the mentalities will be more or less same you just need to understand them and they need to understand you, if they are any older than you then there is no problem as they have enough experience to understand what satiation you might be in. however it is you just need to understand people thats all.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
yeah I guess understanding is one of the keys to living harmoniously with the inlaws.
@Ynodhady (95)
• Indonesia
6 Apr 10
yes I know what u feel when staying with Your husband's Family member. but i think your husband really has A good Thinking why he order u to staying with his Family member for the time being. because he worry of you when he leave you to get a work in abroad. you can give recommedation to your husband That some day u feel boring , u can ask to get Together with your family to go to Your parents's House to eliminate the sense of saturated for The time being.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
6 Apr 10
Hi maanrodriguez, Its a hard spot you are in. As for it causing conflict, well it could but it doesn't always. It's just hard to live with anyone that you aren't used to living with is all. Did your husband tell you how long you'd have to be in that situation ? When I was young, I so could not wait to move out from my parents and be on my own that I would have really balked at the idea of living with either his or my own parents. Still, if it is the only way you can be with your husband then I think you should consider it. Would it be possible for the two of you to rent an apartment until you are able to afford your own house?
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
My husband said it will probably take a year, tops. But knowing my husband, if the set up works, he would not want to mess with it. As for the apartment, it's still a bit expensive cause the landlords require 3 months advance, i think. thanks for the comment.
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
17 Apr 10
We live with my inlaws, actually I've lived here for about three years now. Sure there are some iffy times but that is the case for any kind of living arrangement. I say go for it, unless you just absolutely don't get along with your inlaws.
• Philippines
7 Apr 10
Well just follow what your heart.. If you wanted to be with your husband very soon so just be patient to stay with your in-laws from the time being until you guys get your own flat as long as you are together everything will be fine I know your hubby will protect for any trouble.. So good luck and blessed you
@jfier001 (14)
• United States
6 Apr 10
In-laws are tough sometimes. But I think it might be worth it to live with them for a short while if it means you get to spend more time with your husband, especially if you just got married 3 months ago. Congrats on getting married! This is a time at the beginning of the marriage when the two of you should be together. And if there are any conflicts with your in-laws your husband will be there to try and keep the prace.