What do you do when your only invited to a wedding for the gift?

United States
May 20, 2010 8:23am CST
recently got an invitation to a wedding and this person doesnt like us and arent on speaking terms with us yet we get an invitation to this persons wedding that is across the country! (they live locally) anyone that knows me well knows i have gone through hell with bills and medical problems with my husband and myself to where im stuck in debt and not only that my husband has NO vacation time and NO sick time he could use even if we could afford to get there.. i know they know that and are just sending an invite so they can get a gift (because i was told to do the same by them when i got married) why else if some one hates you and you know they dont have the money?? if we dont acknowledge it it will just start crap more since its a relative and my husband cannot handle the stress of that with his health probs or me even with mine but i dont think some one that has treated you like crap FOR YEARS should get a gift just because they know you will feel guilty or start a war with relatives if you dont.. what do you think?
6 people like this
26 responses
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
20 May 10
I would simply respond to the RSVP with an "I/We will not be attending" and leave it at that. Only a completely self-centered person would actually expect a gift from someone they're not speaking to. You are NOT obligated to send a gift, even if you WERE on speaking terms with them. But, if you feel guilty about it, then send them a "gift" of a tree. Print out a certificate telling them that you will plant a tree in their name. Then, go find some woods somewhere, dig up a seedling tree growing where you know it would die otherwise (from lack of light, etc.) and transplant it to a place where it should grow well. Or, take a seed from a cherry, apple, or some other fruit and plant it in the dirt somewhere. That's good enough! It won't be your fault if it doesn't grow or if it's mowed down or chopped down by someone else later on. I received a gift like this myself once. I wasn't offended at all. Quite the contrary! I was pleased.
@HADDOWZ (1481)
20 May 10
I like your way of thinking, nice idea.
3 people like this
@mentalward (14697)
• United States
20 May 10
Thanks, Haddowz! Moon, I just thought of something. Maybe you received the invitation so as to not offend you by leaving you out. I can almost hear a conversation about that now: "Send them an invitation. At least that way they can't say we didn't include them." Maybe they don't expect anything at all; they just didn't want you to say they left you out. It's still a selfish motivation but it could be plausible, you think?
2 people like this
• United States
20 May 10
good idea but im sure it was not in to not hurting our feelings.. we told them we dont want a damn thing to do with them and when we did talk to them they would tell me to send out my xmas cards to a certain aunt early to cash in because shed send money etc if she got it early enough.. that blew my mind.. i am not one to want a gift or expect anything at all but they think love is giving you something or spending money on you.. i mean i have been disowned and currently disowned i dont even know how many times and hubs too yet they want a gift and planning it across the country to where its impossible for us to go.. they are already married if they cared they would have had us that day in town at the justice of peace
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
20 May 10
Hi Moonlit, Ok so what did you do when you got married? Did you send them the invite because your family expected you to? If you did...did you do it for the gift or did you do it to keep peace within the family? Just trying to look at this from another angle....maybe they sent the invite just to keep peace. If I were in your shoes, I would send a nice card with a little note explaining that because of illnesses with you and your husband that you are unable to send a gift or attend the wedding. Wish them a happy life together and call it done.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
they actually ruined my wedding by picking fights with my husband and i (its his family) and so since they ruined my wedding.. disowned me years ago because im evil (the brides mother is a lunatic and thats putting it nicely and verbally abused my husband all his life) and my husband for his mental health finally cut ties so he can be healthy mentally (because of the abuse) months ago.. he hasnt had any contact with the bride nor her mother in years and they had disowned him too so i dont see why we are worthy of going if we dont exist to them.. literally.. unless its them being greedy for a gift
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
21 May 10
His family sounds like a living nightmare. I still would not compromise your own financial situation for them. I actually wouldn't compromise my financial situation for a good friend if it meant the roof over my head or paying my lights etc. In your situation, I definitly wouldn't. I'd still send them a nice card and a note...to keep some peace in the family and also because kindness is like cryptonite to the enemy.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 10
i think a card is about as much as i would want to spend on them lol.. i mean yeah i wanna take our hard earn money on a super tight budget and waste it on this.. its nuts..
@zralte (4186)
• India
20 May 10
Just because you are invited does not mean that you have to attend or give them gift. I can understand your situation though. My advice to you would be to stop feeling guilty about not attending and not giving them gifts. They cannot make you do anything you don't want to. Send them a 'Thank you for your invitation, however, we would not be able to make it. Hope you have a lovely wedding' Nothing more than that. It's not like you owe them anything. As for the relatives part, if you haven't spoken to each other for so many years, I don't think you can still count them as family. Know what I mean?
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
if they think they are "owed" something all of a sudden they think of us as family.. im not as worry about it as im sure my husband will be since its his side and he had a hard time coming to terms with how they really are and had to cut ties because it was making his health go downhill..
@zralte (4186)
• India
21 May 10
I don't envy your position right now, especially your husband. At least he will now realise what kind of people they really are. And if they are ready to cut ties just because you can't afford to give them gifts....well, that really speaks about how they feel about you and your husband. That's not how family treat each other, in my book. The only thing you can do is never speak badly about them to your husband, just be very supportive. Most of the time, it is difficult to hear bad things about your family. I would suggest that you try taking their side even when he is complaining about them. Not that you have to praise them endlessly, just subtly bring out their good points sometimes. Just a suggestion from my little experience.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 10
i would if i could find anything positive about them but he has been seriously damaged by their emotional abuse and so have i. the reason he didnt cut them off sooner was because everyone gave him crap because they were family.. but i mean how can you just continue to let the abuse go on? he's really messed up mentally from it to where its ptsd and more
• United States
20 May 10
Did they send an RSVP card with the invitation? If so, simply choose, we will not be attending this function. You should never be expected to purchase a gift that does not come from the heart. Or if you absolutely feel that you need to send them something do something creative. You could do something creative with the invitation and frame it and send it to them. Hopefully they would acknoledge that your gift came from the heart if you put some time and creativity into it.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
no no rsvp card which i was surprised about. i mean doesnt every one do that?!?! im so sick of the bs with this family and it hurting me and my husband sigh.. i dont even wanna acknowledge we got the invite but the one person that isnt crazy and we do keep in contact and love will ask and our actions may affect her so i dont want her hurt.
• United States
20 May 10
Until it comes up with this person, I would not make any arrangements to go. And if it does come up with them, explain that you would really love to see them but you do not feel close enough to the wedding couple to make such a long journey. The last thing you want to do is travel half way across the country and be miserable the entire time you are there.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
we arent even on speaking terms with the bride which is why its even crazier.. if you have backstabbed and you and your family disowned us why are you inviting us? i had given her a 2nd chance awhile back thinking maybe she had changed and she hadnt and ended up screwing me over then blocking me outta no where
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
22 May 10
getting married can be a total turn around for some people that this might make them do things they normally wouldn't do especially when emotions towards the invited are concerned. this might be their way of saying they're sorry. however, if you still feel any anger the decision is in your hands and not in theirs.
• United States
23 May 10
she has made no other attempts to contact us at all so its like other than this invitation i havent heard from her in years so why now or should i say "how convenient"
1 person likes this
@tessah (6622)
• United States
21 May 10
didnt you just als post a discussion about trying to eliminate drama from yer life? hun.. this is a perfect opportunity to eradicate a bit more of it from yer existance. just because the person is a relative, that doesnt mean you HAVE to have them in yer life if theyre going to treat you like crap, cut them loose. if people give you grief for wanting a happier life.. cut THEM loose. by no means whatsoever send these people a wedding gift or even acknowledge the invite. especially since you know theyre only playin on the bloodline factor to use you when they know full well you cant afford it.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 10
yeah but the prob is they arent my family but my husbands and he has been cutting them slowly out for a few years and fully for a month or two and i have cut them out for YEARS.. so i have no prob at all with ignoring it but the real question is can he and will he? sigh
• India
21 May 10
I think then i will gift them with an empty box having a note written smile on it as smile is the most precious gift.may be that can tell us the morality.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 10
i like that
@sacmom (14316)
• United States
21 May 10
Um, I don't go. I've been invited to a wedding for that very reason before. Or at least I'm pretty sure it was for that reason anyway. I don't see any other reason as I've only met this family member, a 2nd cousin, a few times before and we didn't even say so much as a hello to each other back then. Okay, so the invite could have been sent just out of politeness. After all, the wedding was basically down the street from me. However, I don't think that was the case as there was a gift registry card sent along with it, which seemed rather strange to me. And some of the stuff they were asking for was way out there (price wise). Yep, I checked the registry online. Still, I did contemplate about going at first. After all, I was guessing that a lot of other family members were going to be there. Family members that I would have loved to have seen, even if I couldn't afford to give some fancy gift. But in the end I didn't accept as it didn't feel right to go when the bride and groom are practically strangers to me. Hmm, I don't know, I couldn't see myself going (or in this case even giving a gift) if someone like that treated me like crap. It would seem rather pointless and stupid. Couldn't you just acknowledge it with a letter or a card instead? Saying something in the lines like "Congratulations!", "thank you for the invite", "sorry we couldn't make it", and leave it at that? Or would your family still get upset?
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 10
his family will not be happy with anything ever.. if we try they twist it and hate us and if we dont they act like we are horrible for not being there for them to abuse.. its nuts
• Philippines
21 May 10
it's hard to be in such situation.. if im in your foot, i would choose not to go.. i think it is better not to rather than show up with bitter feelings.. it's still good to be true to what you really feels. sometimes, we have to make such moves in order to avoid greater clashes among relatives. just try to make an excuse and tell your relative that you really can't make it to her wedding.. but, if you find it in your heart that the gap or clash between you is temporary and can be resolve, try to attend and show courtesy to your relative.. you'll never know, maybe at the wedding you'll be able to make up and resolve your problems.
• United States
23 May 10
we have tried to help the relationship in the past 12 years but just gets continuously worse so its best to not even try.. if they bring only misery and make your health worse and your right why go and be miserable there??
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
21 May 10
I get discouraged when I learn i was only invited to a wedding so the couple would get another wedding gift. It can make you feel very unappreciated. You are only worth something to the couple to be wed for material value. It makes you not want to attend their wedding at all.
• United States
23 May 10
exactly.. and its not like i have the money to waste on people that really dont care about me but only the gift
@qamarep (4450)
• Pakistan
21 May 10
if it is clear taht i am called for the gift only then i wont go to the party
1 person likes this
• United States
23 May 10
yeah its so offending!
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
21 May 10
if this happened to me i would simply ignore the invitation. what invitation? no we did not get any invitation. considering how strongly you feel about these so-called relatives, not going to the wedding and not sending a gift should send them a message that you don't want anything to do with them.
1 person likes this
@elvieb02 (696)
• Philippines
21 May 10
hi! it's quite a difficult situation but what you can do is you send them a card thanking them of the invitation and at the same time telling them that you cannot make it due to some reasons, also tell them that you wish them happiness. If your budget permits you, you can send a small gift together with the card. If they feel bad about this, it's their problem, you have done your part and cared for them.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 10
true.. i dont think my budget will have room for it but like you said its their problem not mine
• United States
21 May 10
First you find other invitees who will not be attending the wedding. Then you all send a joint gift -- a really nice one for which you can split the cost into small amounts for each sender.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 10
have no idea who else is invited other than more relatives and since we arent on speaking terms with the bride or her family i have no idea who her friends could be =(
• United States
21 May 10
So you have choices. Don't acknowledge it, and start more crap with people you already don't like. Or strain husbands health problems when you guys don't have money. Sounds like a easy choice. They already don't like you so forget them. Don't be fake people and smile at someones wedding you don't even like. Take their invitation and stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 10
im with you. i just hope hubby is since it is his fam
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
20 May 10
Maybe they are trying to make a kind gesture in hopes you guys can all become friends again? I doubt its for a gift, but then again, who knows. People are greedy these days. But have you ever stopped to think maybe they want to make things work with the friendship & this is their way of showing it? People work in strange ways.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37384)
• United States
20 May 10
I would send a generic wedding card wishing them happiness and forget about a gift. That way you acknowledge the invitation....send best wishes..etc...who could be mad about that?
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
these people are psychotic.. they will be pissed if there isnt money spent
@bmodlin (15)
• United States
20 May 10
Perhaps they are trying to make themselves feel like good people by sending the invite knowing you cant make it? "Well honey, we TRIED to invite them." A lot of people think that way. It makes them feel better that they at least attempted to invite you. Don't go, put it in the back of your mind and don't let it get to you. The only way i would go AND buy a gift was if it was local and offered an open bar. A trade for a trade so to speak. Be realistic about things, if you cant do it, then you just cant do it. Letting it get to you will only bring your blood pressure up and keep you awake at night. If your not on speaking terms, why would you want to go anyhow?
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
im more of trying to get opinions so i can help my husband through it since its his family and they disowned us yet harrass us for years and it mentally broke him and the emotional abuse was too much.. he just cut off contact with more of them the bride being one of them and this is there way of reminding him they are around.. its a crazy situation and its hard to explain honestly.. i have wiped my hands clean of them for years but he hadnt totally till now because he just didnt realize what damage they (brides family) where doing to him.. and if she is hoping i will see it as an effort for friendship i wont buy it since she did that a couple of years ago and then backstabbed me with telling her mother everything i said then blocking me for no reason and her mother using the info against me to harrass my husband.. that being her 2nd chance btw since she had done it before but was still a teen so i figured maybe she had grown up when i gave her a 2nd chance and she hadnt
• India
20 May 10
I go to only those places where I can be happy and i feel that other are also happy because of my presence. otherwise it is better not to worry about what those people will say who do not like you. If you already know the cpnsequences of decision and then taking decision then why should the consequnce be bothering you. Have discussion with your husband and do what your heart says you to. And be clear in mind that ill talking by other about you is not going to depress you. and there is no need to explain to anybody. you are entitles to make your own choice.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 May 10
it his family so thats the big problem and they have been awful to him.. recently he just got up the guts to cut off all ties completely because of the heavy mental toll it took.. i personally have been disowned for so long i dont care anymore but i do care if its gonna bother him
• Grand Junction, Colorado
20 May 10
You say that you were told to send them an invitation to your wedding? Were you on speaking terms then? I think that is utterly rude to send someone an invitation for the sole purpose of obtaining a gift. A wedding is something to celebrate with family and friends, it is not to see how many gifts you can get. I would respectfully decline the invitation, however if she sent you a gift for your wedding (whether you were on speaking terms then or not) I believe that your obligated to send a gift. As always just my 2 cents worth!!! Happy Mylotting!!!
• United States
20 May 10
now i was told every year to send that person a card to cash in on money for gift every xmas.. so this is how these people think.. and they ruined my wedding that i had.. this has been like a 12 year nightmare feud that was slowly put a stop to and finally ended (as in cutting ties) a few months ago.. convenient how this is coming up when we finally are at peace