Should you be upfront and honest or hold some things back?

@celticeagle (111701)
Boise, Idaho
May 20, 2010 2:31pm CST
In a serious relationship between two consenting adults should two people be totally upfront and honest or hold some things back? Like for instance: Should you tell your significant other how many men you have really been with? Or, some rather idiotic family thing? Does this have to do with some self-esteem issues or what? We do only go through this life once and shouldn't we stand tall and be proud of all the idiosyncrencies we all have or hide them and hope for the best? I am no longer even in hopes of a relationship again in my life but I am reaching out to the young here alot. I think I know, for the most part, how my friends around my age on here will think. Am I wrong?!! Would love to hear from you young and old alike.
3 people like this
20 responses
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
21 May 10
They dont need to know how many people ya been with that would be in the past and should have no baring on what you are like with this person. and ya just know when I person is like 20 or more or younger that they usually have had someone else. This would ust cause jeaousy!!! and you dont want that. Let that prt stay in the passed for both parties
2 people like this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
I think that is fair! BUT, you have to respect him as he does you. Works both ways.
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
22 May 10
LOL My hubby of 42 years had told me he slept with several people before meeting me and of course I knew that natrually he did . and I told him I did more than him couldnt let him get ahead of me but was a lie only with my x . but years later he threw it up to me told him I couldnt let him get ahead of me then he told me I was his only one and I should have waited for him and not have married my first opne. SO funny as if I hadnt I might have not met 2nd one when I did
@alocure (372)
• United States
20 May 10
yes me and my girlfriend are always honest and upfront with each other because thats what make our relationship stronger its better for us to know than not to know because we don't want any surprises... although somethings you should keep to yourself if you know what really want to tell them might hurt them but besides that be as honest as you can be and the relationship would be better than ever... good luck!
2 people like this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Good point! It does make a relationship stronger. No surprises.
• United States
20 May 10
I'm pretty young and I think you shouldn't hold anything back. You never know when holding something back might come back to bite you later. Even if you aren't exactly lying, it tends to breed a certain amount of distrust between you and the other person.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
20 May 10
I so agree! On both counts. closeness and trust break down when you aren't totally honest.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
21 May 10
Honesty is always best but I am also an advocate of not asking what you don't really want to know. I will be honest about everything..but I also don't want it thrown uo everytime I turn around..lol..I think that anyone in a mature relationship can appreciate the fact that there was a "before" them and sometimes it is not pretty. It is best to be honest right up front.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
I definitely agree with what you are saying. I think the 'before' being told will tell alot about the person you want for a significant other. How he/she reacts to it. If they are up to it then cool and if not then it is time to move on. If they can't except that then they can't except the rest of who we are.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
8 Jul 10
Thanks for the best response!
@p_vadla (1688)
• India
22 May 10
I think in relationships 1+1=2 doesn't look good.It takes away the beauty of interaction among humans.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
22 May 10
And what exactly are you saying??!!
• China
22 May 10
yes,wether in a serious relationship or in a daily relationship,i think we all should be honest.what's more,i think it is good for every relationship to be honest.however,if something is not important i think,i will not say to myfriends,including my lovers.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
22 May 10
I agree. Somethings are just better left unsaid.
@med889 (5958)
21 May 10
I think when a couple is formed then there is nothing to be hidden from each other but then I went through this and found out that I was wrong in believing so. When we tell everything, then there will be one day when he will get back to you on the same saying you have used. For example I bought shoes and my money is over I tell him he says don't worry but then the other day when I may say that all my money is over and I had to buy this or that, he will say "good for you now as you finish all your money i shoes" so there are things which we cannot say to avoid misunderstanding and regrets.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
'When a couple is formed'- I like that!
@karen1969 (1788)
21 May 10
I am usually honest about this kind of thing, but you have to be sensitive to your partner. Some people are very jealous and don't want to know you have been with other partners - or at least they don't want to know any details.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
I think there are some things that need to be left alone. And you don't have to offer up everything imaginable.
@Edzornam (138)
• Ghana
21 May 10
I will be honest and most especially when it is infectious to the growth of the relationship. I had an incident when my partner hide a reality from me, i suspected and query her but she denied. I went on with my investigation and found the through and then she came to accept it, trust me my trust level for her has drastically demised. I don't trust her any longer and this is generating a very deap wound in the relationship. The best you can do to yourself in a relationship in this level is to be honest. I will not open up to issues in my family which has nothing to to with my relationship. You can't wash your dirty linen in public, I ight do that after i get married to the said woman. thanks
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
So, you are still going to marry this woman?!
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
21 May 10
in all things there are rules. some of these rules are really not so grave that they term it as etiquette. it is but a no-no to ready even your mate's messages, right? unless of course your mate offers it. this is in relation to your question. if your mate asks about it tell him. if not it may be a sign that he cannot take it. yes, we only pass this life once and it means we should never hold things back. that is if they are asked for. otherwise it wouldn't be termed as holding back but a means to keep any relationship as harmonious as possible.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Harmonious. Good save.
@Theresaaiza (9599)
• Australia
21 May 10
I gotta admit. This one's a difficult question. Because we all have things to hide. Things we can never divulge to our partners for fear of hurting that person. For me, in a relationship there must be trust. A person with a secret must therefore trust that her partner will accept that aspect in her life. But if the partner doesn't accept it, trust again that in time he will. If in the end he still wouldn't accept, then trust that this person is not for you. So I guess in a way my answer is, yes, be honest. But I also believe that it has to be done at the proper venue and time. I mean you just can't go telling a suitor, "Hey, I fart like a troll who had horse duung for dinner!" I mean, some people, in due time will learn to accept bits of information in a gradual manner. So timing is also of an essence.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Timing is everything! I think it says alot for who a person choses as significant other as to how they take what you have in your past. Don't you think?
• United States
21 May 10
you don't go out in your house naked right? so i think just the same. you should forget about the past and no need to tell anyone unless you are serious to commit in a relationship and that person should understand you. Because sometimes if we become too honest or upront about what and how your life before people just sometimes criticize or scrutinized. so save some for yourself. just start a new page in your life.! if you think it will make you happy then do it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Well, i do think that there are times down right stupid comes in and takes a seat. In other words we don't have to offer some things that are better left unsaid.
@zura80 (48)
• Singapore
21 May 10
I would prefer to be honest and open with my hubby. Maybe some people might think that some secrets or things are best kept. But you know as they always say it's better to be hurt by the truth than to live a lie without knowing.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
And I believe in the Golden Rule. And that what you put out there comes back to you.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
21 May 10
Being uprfont and honest is always the best path to take. When we hold things back, our reasons and actions can sometimes be misunderstood. Being truthful and sincere from the start can not be wrong.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Misunderstood for sure. And then you set yourself up for mistrust and never knowing where you stand with a person.
@andy77e (5170)
• United States
20 May 10
That's hard to say. I couldn't answer that since I wouldn't want to be with a girl that had already been with every other man. On the other hand, if the man in question has also slept with every woman in town, then I suppose there's no harm in letting it all hang out so to speak. I don't know. What do you think?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Well, I would wonder if a woman had gotten into a relationship with someone prior to you and it turned out to be a mistake would you think less of her because she had been with someone else?
@Hatley (152380)
• Garden Grove, California
20 May 10
hi celticeagle no not about past men or women , thats nauseating to me as I did not want to know about my husbands prior love affairs, and for me I had nothing really to tell anyway.but somethings surely can be left out of the mutual open up. But as for things about me as a person and my health I felt we must share as we were going to be married and make a life together. I also told him about my dad and how he still treated like a child although I was thirty years old. he did not at all like my husband., too bad as I did and I loved him and I married him. so dear old dad wrote me out of his well. thats how kind he was. I do think a man and woman should reveal who they are. You must know before marriage.He knew I was horribly shy, that I felt bad a bout my tendency to gain weight.I knew he was a pushover for door to door salespeople,
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Nauseating for sure! Sounds like two humans to me! Hehehe
@phyrre (2324)
• United States
20 May 10
I wouldn't hold anything back. I think if you're serious enough to be in a serious relationship then you should be able to take them seriously (have I used 'serious enough yet? ;P). In other words, don't "omit" something and say you're not lying by not telling, especially if it's likely to hurt the other person. On the other hand, I think there's some information you shouldn't volunteer unless asked. For example, you ask about how many people you've been with. If they ask, don't lie to them, but I wouldn't offer that information unless they ask, too. Some people just don't want to know and knowing could upset that, so at least have enough consideration to let them bring it up first. A relationship is built on trust and if you can't be trusted because they always think you're hiding or "omitting" something then what sort of relationship do you really have?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Life is short and holding things back is a waste of everyones time. Yes, not volunteering some information is smart. And if you don't want to share maybe one nighters is a better choice. Huh? For some that is.
• United States
20 May 10
The only thing i would like for in a serious relationship is honesty, yet you have some men who have double standards when it comes down to a one on one relationship, they think that tyhey can have their cake and eat it too. have their occasion fling on the side, they think i okay. And now days i notice that you have women doing the very same thing . Their are diseases out their okay.please take a look at what your doing and come to your senses.
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Ah, yes the ole double standard! The ole cake and eat it too! Yep, I got ya! Keep your standards. Aim high!
@rosie230 (1674)
20 May 10
Well I am 30... (not sure if you class that as young or old though lol), but anyway, I have been in 2 serious relationships, 1 of which i am still in now... and in my experience i would have to say that I would rather be honest about everything, which I hasten to add I am honest totally in this relationship, my partner knows everything about me and my past, and thats the way that i prefer it... the thing is a relationship is about trust as well as other things... and to be honest i think if you were to lie, or keep certain things under wraps eventually those things could surface, and then you could have problems, and lets be honest these things to come to light sometimes.. well at least i think they do anyway, so i think that being honest saves all that mess in the long run.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (111701)
• Boise, Idaho
21 May 10
Well, when you are nearly 60 by a couple of years 30 does seem young. Glad to hear you feel honesty is important. Your points are so true! Thank you for your input.
• Philippines
21 May 10
being honest with each other will make your relationship be more stronger.