Death of a Spouse, Loss of a Parent

United States
May 27, 2010 3:18am CST
In 3 days it will be 2 months since my husband passed away. Leaving behind a 5 year old little girl that was attached to him at the hip. They say as time passes it gets easier, but so far it has gotten harder. Easter was our big holiday. We always went all out, holding the family egg hunt at our house. This year Easter just came and went, no hunts, no family lunch, just funeral arrangements, and life arrangements. Then came mothers day, the first year of not waking up to a dozen pink carnations on my pillow with a card. Without the words, happy mothers day honey! Then just the other day our 5 year old daughters preschool graduation. Oh it was so wonderful. I just cried, he should have been there. During the Parent Teacher conferences on Tuesday, the teachers were wonderful. They made sure that they put the pictures of us as a family during family nights at school to the side so that I could get through the coference without him. When is it going to get any easier? I ask that all the time. Yet i still just want to wake up. To escape this nightmare that never ends. How have others gotten on with their lives? I look at everyone around me that has lost their spouse and see them smiling and laughing and enjoying everything. It is all just fake until they are alone, or is there really a time that you come to terms and can live your life again?
7 responses
@tcup345 (360)
• United States
30 May 10
Ah, I'm with you. My husband passed last March 5. I am fortunate that I don't have any children at home. I know your pain. His birthday was 8 days after his passing. Our anniversary was 3 weeks after his passing. I did't want to see Easter or Mother's day. Father's day will be a nightmare. Today I went to his grave to put flowers on it in preparation for Memorial Day, I cried instead and I didn't have the strength, my daughter and grandchildren planted the flowers. In the past, my husband, as a veteran, was the Chaplain for the Memorial Day ceremonies, his son will step into that place. It will be hard for his son and just as hard for me. The lonliness is unbearable. I see his truck in the driveway and think "Oh, good, Tom is home." then it hits me that he isn't here. Now, I have his chores as well as my own, I fall into bed exausted but I can't sleep. What I would give to have just one more hug from him. What I would give if he could tell me that I couldn't have prevented his passing, I tried, and the guilt is nearly as bad as not having him here. I cry daily. They tell me that it will get easier. I function all right, as long as I don't think, I keep busy to stop thinking. The only time my mind isn't kept busy is when I'm driving so I'm usually crying as I drive. Sometimes, on the road, I see a truck that looks like his, I have a moment of excitement then I realize that it can't be him. The only way I can continue is I must be here for my youngest daughter and her children. They need me. If it were not for them, I'd be with my husband. I don't like being here, without my husband. I don't know how others widows carry on but my cousin recently told me that I am "one tough f*****g b***h", when I have a tough job that phrase is my mantra. I'll get through this, so will you. Lean on anyone you have to and, in time, the pain will lesson. We will never stop loving our man and we will always miss him. That is one thing you can be sure of. God Bless you, you have my prayers.
• United States
30 May 10
You nailed it to a T, that is exactly me, I usually end up falling asleep for about 2 hours in mid afternoon. My kids say he has come to their dreams, and told them things that shocked me when they told me, but I haven't had a dream visit. I would love to have that. His birthday is in August, and our anniversary is Now. It just sucks all the way around. I talk to him all the time as if he is right here. I wonder if he even hears me.
@tcup345 (360)
• United States
30 May 10
I don't sleep in the daytime, for some reason I can't. I would love a dream visit too, hasn't happened. My mother came in a dream visit once, it was great, never before did I feel such love from her, we didn't get along well while she was alive. Our grandkids tell me all the time how they miss him. He was a great guy. I talk to him a lot, I've even cussed him out while I have to fix something he didn't fix right. Both my clothesline posts fell over because he didn't fix them right so now I have to, I need to find a way to cement them into the ground and keep them upright. Actually, while doing the things that he should have done, I get a few chuckles. I bet I've thrown away 15 Bic lighters, all empty, he saved them. I've thrown out 3 coffee makers that didn't work, an old VCR, two unworking tv's, countless old phones, 3 small boxes full of old lottery tickets, and that's just from the basement. The garage will be the same. He wouldn't throw away anything, he felt he might find a use for it or parts could be re-used. I had a truck load of junk. I've decided that he left all that to keep me busy so I wouldn't have to think too much. They hear us, at the moment they are busy reviewing their life, eventually, they will respond, if it's for our greatest good. Key phrase there, our greatest good. Everything that happens to us is for our own greatest good, no matter how bad the event is, no matter how good. We use those experiences to learn from, to grow spiritually. You and I are going through the toughest, most painful time of our lives yet from this time we will grow strong. If we are smart, we will grow spiritually as well as mentally and physically. You have children that need you, that will sustain you and you will get past this, it's a slow emotional process, but you will get past this. We both will. Just remember, he loves you.
• United States
27 May 10
All I can say is from my experience I have learned that you need to just take it one day at a time. I didn't lose a spouse, but I did lose my sister, and we were practically inseparable from the day I was born. Some days are easier than others, but it is never really easy. Sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed all day and cry my heart out, but I can't because I have a little one to take care of. Other times I will be happy and laughing, and something will remind me of her and I will just burst out crying. It has been a year now, and finally I am able to laugh sometimes when I think of something silly that we used to do together or I can hear her laughing at me and hear what she would say to me when I am acting goofy. The pain is still there, but now I am at least able to remember and feel the good times, too, and I am sure that in your own time you will also get to this point. There is no time-frame that you can put on it, though, and it is not something that you can rush ... it will just happen gradually and in its own time.
@jasmeena (850)
• Indonesia
28 May 10
Sorry to hear that. What illness did he suffer and how old was he when he passed away?Do you now work?I hope you can get over your sorrow and start a new life again! I remember two years ago, my friend lost her hubby after suffering from brain cancer, leaving two under five years old daughters. Luckily, my friend works as government employee at The Ministry of National Education,Jakarta, Indonesia. I am still single, but I really can imagine the situation. May GOD give you strength and patience and bless you all always.
• United States
28 May 10
He didn't have any problems, besides a bad back. He suffered a severe heart attack in his sleep. I was working as a paralegal and my job came to an end several days before he passed. He had a 5 year old and 3 adult children all married with children. He also left behind my other children from a previous marriage ages 15, 12, 10 and 7. It has been hard.
• United States
27 May 10
I'm sorry that this has happened. All I can say is pray to God and ask Him to help you through this.
• United States
27 May 10
Thank you so much for your prayers, and I do believe that prayer helps. It is hard to deal with such matters, but I know I am strong, that is what he always told me, that the one the he was jealous of about me was how strong I am, lately the strength has gone. I am sure he still sees it in me taking care of business. I always wonder if on the days I stay in bed all sad if he is telling me to get up, you have things to do, this is not like you.
@oldchem1 (8145)
27 May 10
Your post has brought tears to my eyes, I am SO sorry for you and your daughter. I just don't know how to answer you as I have never had to experience anything so tragic; when I lost my parents I was an adult and that was bad enough. I know that it is a terrible well worn cliche, but 'time is a healer, you are still very much in a time of grieving - everything you do is the first time without your husband. I know at the moment you must feel like you will never come to terms with it, but eventually you will, you'll never forget him, and you don't want to, but you will be able to look back with fond memories. My thoughts and prayers are genuinely with the two of you. God bless
• United States
27 May 10
A lot of people didn't know how to react, there were some that before his viewing even had the nerve to tell me to get over it. I had to forgive them, becuase they have no clue how different this is than anything they will ever go through. I sure don't wish this on anyone. Thanks so much for the prayers.
• Philippines
27 May 10
Its really disappointing especially if you have been that attached to the person and to think he is your husband, the person you chose to be with in your life suddenly passed away. Though many people would say that time heals all wounds but for me, not all.. It takes time to accept things and i believe that GOD has reasons of his own why he needs to take your husband away. Whatever it is, we may not know but you will be able to find out in the right time and right situation. Just look at a positive side of it and believe that it will give you a reason to continue fighting and that he will still be around in your life and your daughter guiding you always.
• United States
27 May 10
I try to see the bright side everyday. I always remind her how much she looks like her daddy and she tells me that he was her hero. She is such a trooper, I just wish I was that strong.
@qamarep (4453)
• Pakistan
27 May 10
it is very very frustrating and sad to lose any one of your own.. if it is a parent that is even worse...but i think loseing your own partner is more than that diffficult
• United States
27 May 10
I think that this has been the hardest test our maker has put me through. My Deacon told me that this is harder than losing a child, and I would almost have to believe him. I just wait for everyday to get better.