are past relationships an issue in the present relationships?

@tigeraunt (6331)
Philippines
August 1, 2010 3:41am CST
dear mylotters, after reading a lot of discussions now about relationships, a question just came to my mind why men (and women too) ask about it, why they like to know of past relationships, if any, about the person who is now involved with him/her. is it for the purpose of just knowing? is there a doubt somewhere? is the new relationship not that stable in his/her mind? please give me your comments. ann
3 people like this
18 responses
• United States
2 Aug 10
Personally, I can't stand it when the person I am with asks a bunch of questions about the people I was with before. I think they ask because they wonder if there are still feelings between me and my ex's. I still talk to most of the guys I have dated so I understand the questions, and I answer them to the best of my ability. However, I do not enjoy the questioning. I think they want to know that they are better. The trouble is they don't ask me if I love them more, or if they mean more to me, or even why the relationship didn't work out. They ask about specifics that aren't necessarily important. I am an honest person and they tend to ask questions that they don't really want the answers to. I know what they want to hear with their questioning, but I tell them the truth and sometimes that can create problems. I do not ask about past relationships. I only ask questions that I really want answers to...and I expect to be told the truth because I wouldn't ask if I didn't really want to know.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
dear anobel, trouble with partners asking is they probably feel insecure how much you loved the past relation and if you still have feelings. it is easy to say no more but somewhere somehow, there will be a pinch and memories come back and that includes the pain of break up. but being honest would free you of that pain especially if you get a tight hug and a kiss.. have a nice day. ann
• United States
2 Aug 10
Ann, you seem to have a really positive take on the subject. I like knowing that there are still people around who can accept the past and not allow it to ruin the potential for the future. I have similar feelings and I hope that someday I can find an understanding guy who realizes that it is okay to have a past so long as that past doesn't dictate the future.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
29 Aug 10
go anobel! thats what i call positive thinking. someday you will find the guy and how lucky he will be to have someone who is as broad minded as you.
@ada8may21 (2419)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
I would like to know his past relationships by merely knowing him. Not a doubt or not because the relationship we have now is not stable. For me is just merely of knowing him. That's all, if he would not mind telling me about his previous relationship I would not mind it as well. I can know him not by his previous relationship but also to his family or friends. So past relationships for me is already past and it would not make an issue to our present relationship.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear ada, am sure it is one way of knowing and opening up. thank you so much for your response.have a nice day. ann
@ada8may21 (2419)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
One way or another its one way to know each other and opening up. But I would not force him but I want that it will come on a normal conversation.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Sep 10
I very much agree with you ada8may21.. it's one way or another...My partner used to tell me "what you don't know won't hurt you." Although sometimes we tend to be curious about the past relationships that our partners have. Maybe because we want to have this relationship to work better than the previous one. But sometimes, we too can't avoid to get hurt when we learn of our partner's past...and sometime some couples can't avoid to bring that past relationship in the present when they fight..
@deve_annrn (1857)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
hi ann... yes it's true...we do have tendency to inquire about our partner's past..as for me.. i do it because i want to know how did it went wrong so that i will know better and avoid it from happening in our relationship... it doesn't mean that i have doubts...but maybe i have a bit of insecurities too... i want to know how intimate and serious their relationship had been... is she pretty? or how attractive she is..because i want to look more prettier than her... i think i'm insecure that this woman got my man first...and i want this man for keeps... it's a bit immature but i got over it...=)
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 10
I used to think that way. I have learned to look at things from a different perspective. I don't look at it as if she had him first. I look at it like she wasn't good enough to keep him so she lost and I won. It makes things a lot easier and can do wonders for your confidence.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
deve-annrn and anobel, insecurities. yes i guess that is it. if you are secured with how one feels for you, i guess you will just feel happy and concerned with yours and his present feelings. what will be in your mind is - i am loved, and i am confident. i hope i am right. ann
@savypat (20246)
• United States
1 Aug 10
I think a lot of this is trust, if someone can trust me with their past mistakes or even the hurts it allows me to want to trust them with mine. Also we like to know as much as possible about a person when we invest our emotion in them.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear pat, i am just thinking now, wouldn't that spark a jealousy or a comparison later on? thank you for this response. ann
@savypat (20246)
• United States
3 Aug 10
How could that happen, it's in the past, it's not something hidden, how could there be jealousy, it happened before you knew each other. How could there be comparison you were both different people in the past. All honesty does is give the feeling of trust between you.
@ybong007 (6658)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
Keeping an issue about past relationships is like having skeletons in the closet. Of course it depends on the issue. If those are petty things then it's no big deal. But more often, the aggrieved party hated the other person not because of the secret but for keeping the secret. It's important to lay your cards on the table rather than keep it a secret because in the long run no one can use that secret as an excuse when one of the couple wants trouble.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
hi ybong, very well said. they may say that one could keep a secret up to the time she is buried. but what if it leaks before that? better to say it rather than let her find it from another fellow. this way you lay your cards and will look honest in her eyes. thank you for your response. ann
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
2 Aug 10
Hi Tigeraunt If they are an Issue then it is only because People let them become an Issue I have a bad Marriage behind me and I am in a new Relationship now, which I did not think would happen, but it did, it was hard at first to realize I would not be beaten, mentally abuse, that I was being respected and loved For the last 7 years I have been and still am very happy, our past is no issue and never will be because we will not let it
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
dear gabs, am happy for you. being honest about the past would probably ease the pain when you have someone new. love will always grow strong when there is respect on both sides. thank you for this wonderful response. ann
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
sometimes, they are just curious of how you were in a different relationship and also,maybe they would want to know if there were any similar situations that had happened that would help them in making their present relationship more stable as to not repeat the mistakes from the past.
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
dear jenny, if it would help to compare the past from the present and then alter what happened before, like you will do it differently this time, i guess ... it is ok. thank you for your wonderful response. ann
• United States
2 Aug 10
My husband and I talk about exes to vent. We were both wronged by our exes. Mine threw me out in the street when we broke up and his accused him of beating her and he spent three days in jail for something he didn't do. Its a fact of our lives that we can't change especially since he is unable to get a job because of it. If we didn't tell each other about our past we wouldn't be being honest with each other.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
dear lindaharding, thank you for sharing your experiences. i understand that each other would feel much closer if both are able to let out emotions and past pains because a hug from the person you love would make it easier for you.. ann
@Crog81 (9)
• United States
2 Aug 10
nooooooo
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
hi crog, i didnt understand anything about what you said. would you like to explain further? ann
• United States
1 Aug 10
I suppose people just have to know what the ex is up to for simple fact of just knowing. I beleive that if an ex is inquiring about you it is because there is still some form of caring. Not romantically but there has to be some form of caring, after all while being in the relationship there was something there to begin with. Therefore, unless the ex is completely horrible a little caring leads to interest of just knowing. Hope this makes sense..
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
2 Aug 10
dear hardworkinggurl, yes it does make sense. thank you for your response. have a nice day. ann
• India
1 Aug 10
Hello Anny dear In any kind of relationship there must be 100% transparency, so it is better to tell your partner about the past relationship if any Truth has to see the lime light one day, and it may break everything I am very much possessive and free frank honest.. Thanks for sharing. Welcome always. Cheers. Professor
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear professor, i agree that keeping a secret in a relationship will one day boomerang on you. so it is best not to, specially if the subject is as sensitive as this. thank you for your response. ann
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
1 Aug 10
Relationships can be so complex. It is difficult enough to main a present relationship without the worry of a past one to make things harder to cope with. The past should remain the past, but often it doesn't stay there. So many people base your present relationship on one from your past. It doesn't seem fair to judge this way, but it happens. Try to nurture your present relationships and let the past remain where it should be.
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear sender, thank you for this beautiful explanation. present relationships has to be nurtured, given much priority. the role of the past? yes, you just gotta learn from it. have a nice day. ann
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
I used to ask my boyfriend about his past relationships just for the purpose of I wanted to know what he likes or doesn't like. If we are compatible or what. I am also fond of telling him what had happen over my exes.. That way, he'll realize why I am acting this way. I mean on handling things, handling relationship problems, etc. Past relationship will help you nurture your present relationship. That's only my idea.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear mzbunnylove, am sure you are handling your present relationship very well. thank you so much for your opinion. have a nice day and welcome to mylot. ann
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
1 Aug 10
i think with guys, well i know. they ask because so they can get all work up by wanting to know was i better then him ? yeah stuipd.. and like guys know the girls is going to say no either way, just like if the girl ask the guy if she was better or prettier..
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
hi, i was just thinking that, when i responded to pat. so, it's thinking of "am i good, or better, or best" or something? yes, i agree that's a stupid thing to think of. that's comparing! have a nice day. ann
@ddaguno (3110)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
I don't like to talk about past relationships since it usually ends with an argument. however, i think people in a relationship should talk about their exes, not to compare, but juist to be able to say that "we have no secrets from each other"
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
dear ddaguno, do you think it is a must for all relationships? thank you for this response. ann
@hushi22 (4940)
1 Aug 10
sometimes it is, but must not be. i think it's better to learn from it but leave the relationship behind.
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6331)
• Philippines
1 Aug 10
hi hushi, probably it is better left untouched so as to leave old wounds from opening. thank you for your response. ann
@besthope44 (12145)
• India
11 Aug 10
Well no, as long as if we are true in relationships!
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
3 Aug 10
In my relationship with my husband, I don't think that the relationships that we've had in the past play any part in the relationship that the two of us share. You see, we've both been involved in serious relationships before we met each other, but we don't make a big deal out of those relationships because they are in the past and they don't make any kind of a difference to us now. What I can say that they impacted in our relationship is our way of communicating with each other in the current relationship.