My husband is a narcissistic sociopath!

@mentalward (14716)
United States
July 9, 2011 12:20pm CST
I was talking with my son when a thought popped into my head. We were talking about antisocial behavior when I thought, "My husband is worse than just antisocial. He's a sociopath." I had no clue as to the exact definition of a sociopath at the time, though, so I looked it up. After reading many articles on sociopathy, several stated that it often went right along with narcissism. One described the narcissistic sociopath and it was my husband, almost to a 'T'!!! They care about nothing but themselves and will use any means possible to get their way, never feeling any guilt or shame for their behavior. Wow! That explains SO MUCH about his behavior and treatment of me, my family and my friends! It explains why he has no friends of his own! It explains why he's "borrowed" so much money from me with no intention of ever paying it back. It even explains why his cat is so screwed up! (He raised her from a tiny kitten.) It explains his drinking expensive beer and smoking expensive cigarettes and his refusal to stop or even slow down, even when faced with foreclosure and/or repossession of his truck! It explains his emotionless response (which is no response at all other than a dead stare) whenever I've tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling. These articles have shown me that there is no hope for our marriage and very little hope for him. These types do not generally realize that they need help. They believe the rest of the world is wrong, not them; they are always right, even when proved wrong. So, if there was the tiniest bit of guilt in me for planning to leave my husband and ending this marriage, that guilt is gone! He's the one who ended the marriage, at least ended any feelings I had for him. I've already begun packing and have a place to move to, my other house that is fully paid for. Life is going to be SO MUCH BETTER for me!!!!! Do you know or have you known a sociopath? a narcissist? a narcissistic sociopath? Are you also unlucky enough to have married one? How do you deal with it?
9 people like this
21 responses
• India
13 Jul 11
hi i think u shud give him another chance to prove himself ...he should definetly feel sorry for wat he has become but still try and listen to his part of the story too. i was going to some of the articles and i found out that ppl who r narcissist hav actually some unsorted past ? try to find out wat wer his parents like . does he hav any memory he wants to share but really scared to do so. i thk he has never opened up , guys with less friends open up less... u can try and help him try and re patch that .. it pay help and this can bring u back together ... take care keep lottg
1 person likes this
• India
13 Jul 11
and thk u have tried all u cud ... and at the end ther has been no result ... u hav made the right decision.... best of luck take care and dont forget ... have faith in god nd keep lottg
@rambansal (576)
• India
9 Jul 11
What I learn from your statement above is reason to have my sympathies for you, my friend. But to be a judge, I need to have the other's viewpoint too. You have all the rights to move out, but please remember that moving out of a relationship is painful in itself, and reduces chances of an amendment. So, please reconsider before taking the drastic step.
• India
10 Jul 11
Thanks for the detailed reply, and now I understand you better. From this distance, I am of little value to you, but treat me always by your side in case you need emotional support from an online friend. I wish you to resettle soon in your new home and be happy. Your happiness will only bring some one else close to you to share your sorrows and happiness, some day. For this, please keep your mind open. As a lonely person, I know the pain of loneliness, and further know that it is more for a woman, particularly with some ailments. All the best, for what you really need - the peace of mind, contentment, and some good friends.
@ElicBxn (60427)
• United States
9 Jul 11
since I never married, no, never married one, but I think I've known a few that were at least partially one or the other, not sure, I find them "vampires" people that take and never give anything in return and those type become exhausting and I pretty soon fine that I don't want to be around them any more...
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31403)
• United States
9 Jul 11
Knowledge is a powerful tool, isn't it? It always makes things better. I'm so very sorry that there's no hope for your marriage but if your research is accurate, you are correct and I'm glad it relieved your guilt. I was married to a similar person and I thought it was me, that I was a bad wife. I certainly wasn't the best wife and I made a lot of mistakes but from what you say, there's nothing I could have done to make it better. It will feel very good to you to be in a safe, emotionally warm place! Please be sure you take all the security precautions you can and have a phone handy always. Keep pepper spray beside your bed and handy where you spend most of your time. I don't want to scare you but sometimes people like that are very possessive and become angry when you leave because they think they own you. Best of luck!! You'll be in my prayers!
@dragon54u (31403)
• United States
9 Jul 11
My husband was raised by a mother who didn't want children and a father who was busy and I suspect used violence to correct him from what I've heard. I'm so sorry for him, I'm no longer angry but just sad for it all. I'm glad you let me know you're being careful! Just don't let your guard down, people change and a second collapsing marriage may have unexpected consequences. You never know with this type of person. Anyway, let us know when you're settled! I just know you're going to revel in the peace of your new home and your dogs will be happier, too!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
9 Jul 11
I promise I'll be very careful. I know my dogs will be happier but my cat will be ecstatic! My husband has never restrained himself from telling me how much he dislikes my cat. The only reason he dislikes this cat is because the cat won't play with him. By "playing" I mean my cat won't let my husband "rough him up"... my husband is a bully, even to his own cat. My cat will run if he sees my husband getting close. His cat will sit there, glaring at him, then trying to fight with claws out before running off. For some reason, my husband thinks this is fun and hilarious. He simply cannot see how he is perpetuating the way he was raised and I KNOW he didn't like it much. So very sad. I'll be sure to let you know once I'm all moved in and feeling great. This, of course, means leaving all the fruit trees I've planted, all the berry bushes, etc. but, like you said, it's time to cut my losses and get away from this abusive behavior. Maybe it was intuition that made me buy that other house when I did, not knowing then that I'd need it down the road. I just thought it was a great buy at the time. I did try to sell it at one point but it didn't sell and I'm very thankful now that it didn't.
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
13 Jul 11
I think most of people are becoming to be that way as we can say there are many out there who believe that they are the correct one, they never make mistakes and don't go well with others. They don't easily trust anyone else except themselves. I am still single but I hope I will not meet anyone from that group~ It must be hard to deal with people like that huh??
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
13 Jul 11
I can understand your feeling. I know someone who married to that kind of person. Knowing her with someone like him hmm...it's too bad for you. Yes, he needs help. You have done so much but he can't realized or perhaps he simply ignore it. You did the right thing by leaving him. Hope soon he could realized that he needs to change that and appreciate people around him otherwise he will have no one in his lives.
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
10 Jul 11
Hi Marti, no I don't know of any narcissitic sociopath. However, it is a coincidence that this post came to my attention and I have been thinking about you and wondering what you are doing and how you are doing?. This word nacissist has been showing up in a lot of my studying lately. I am sorry to hear that all of this is happening to you, I pray that things work out for the best. You are in my prayers. Sometime we have to step away from those things that are pulling us down. These things has to be done by us with no influence from others. Let the choice be yours. Only you and you only can determine this. It is good to see that you are still surviving in this wicked and cruel word just Thank God and live it one day at a time. I am not married so I don't have to deal with this. May God continue to lead you and guide you.
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
15 Jul 11
This is so sad to hear. I haven't really talked to you since you were approved for your disability. I can see from this that when one problem was solved then another one surfaced. This is why we have to have all faith and trust in God. As I said earlier I will have you in my prayers Be blessed my friend. As for me I am not where I want to be but I am where God is allowing me to be. He is still providing for me daily.
• United States
10 Jul 11
See I would assume a husband would Become a narcissistic sociopath! I wouldn't even try to explain anything to a husband , why waste my breath?! I'm soooooooooo glad you are leaving. and I hope you have a wonderful life without him. From what you have read , you will be gone and he is so full of himself , he may not even notice!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
10 Jul 11
It's funny you mentioned that he may not even notice me being gone because I've said before that I could die and he wouldn't notice, at least not for a few days before the smell got to him but then he'd probably just spray Febreze or some other air freshener and go on watching TV. I'm glad I've finally made up my mind to leave, too. Since I decided that, I've already begun to feel better. At least I'll have a chance at a better life, something I wouldn't have if I stay with him.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 11
And there is a guy who Will listen to you . A guy who Will care if you are hurt.He is out there. good Luck . Take Care.
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
10 Jul 11
My first husband was one of those...I just didn't know the clinical term to call him...so I called him azzhole!!! Now that you've rectified in your mind what his problem is & understand that there is NO way you can fix him, PLEASE be sure to leave him this time!!! He may need something from you in order for him to feel better, but MAKE him GIVE in order to GET!!!! Life won't be easy on your own, but it will be SO MUCH BETTER that you won't be sorry you chose to leave!!!! I am ALWAYS available to give my advice..solicited or unsolicited...so please do NOT hesitate to let me know when you need some moral support!!!!
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
10 Jul 11
Pretty much every male i had ever been with was a narcissistic sociopath. You are so correct that your life will be better without him. I desided to divote my life to being single. Happily everafter!!!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
10 Jul 11
Yeah, I've known varying degrees of both types myself. That's why I've decided that I'll never get involved again. I can't trust my judgment. As my kids say, I'm too gullible. I'm not sure whether to laugh at that or to cry. I'll have male friends but that's as far as it will go. I'm okay living by myself. I've had plenty of years doing just that and don't have a problem with it. I enjoy the quiet and having only myself to rely on. I'm a newly-confirmed bachelorette and MUCH happier since making my decision.
• China
10 Jul 11
Hi mentalward, at first, your avatar is so elegence and beutiful that resembles the Virgin mary in the painting of Da Vinci. Moreover, I admire your slogan in Mylot and just as the words you said in the slogan, what matters is the way you deal with it. You describe your husband as a narcissistic sociopath. I know the representative of sociopath is criminal. I beleive he wasn't a sociopath (unless in your eyes) before you married him. So have you think about the trigger of his change? I suggest you should seek for the reason and suit the remedy to the case. If you find that he is a uncurable man, then you should consider divorce. What's more, don't get away with him when you are a couple. It's really pity to encounter such problems. Sincerely wish you can restore a happy life!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
13 Jul 11
Hello, szz, and thank you for that beautiful compliment! My husband has been this way for most of his life, only I did not know about it until after we were married. He was very good at convincing me that he had wonderful plans for us once we were married. He promised so many wonderful things, things that are normal in most marriages. He knew how to get me to marry him. Sociopaths are often able to have relationships with those closest to them. He was everything I had hoped for in a husband, at least at first. The problems started after we were married and he thought I was trapped. I guess he didn't realize that I am and always have been a very independent person and don't need a man in my life to feel whole. I know my husband's problem began with his parents. They did not want him and actually sent him to a home for delinquent boys when he was 13. At 18, he got out and was on his own but the damage had been done already. It is very sad and I've tried to get him into therapy, even saying I would go with him, but he refuses. There is no hope for us and there is no hope for him unless a miracle happens and I doubt one will happen with us. It's too late, anyway. He has killed any feelings I used to have for him. He's hurt me too much and too often. I'll be so happy once I'm all moved into my new home and on my own.
@rameshchow (5284)
• India
10 Jul 11
After getting certain age, the men can understand their family situation. They can think about their family. They wants to do something for their family. And that time they will stop drinking and smoking. You are living happily now. Live happy and share the smiles.
@bunnybon7 (34458)
• Holiday, Florida
9 Jul 11
so sorry. i have been married to a few of those and i think i have 2 kids that took after the dads. so i know what you are going through. i really think you will be much better off getting rid of this man. i mean, hes just ruining your life and you should get a way while you still have the means and energy to start over.
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
9 Jul 11
That's exactly what I said to my sons, I need to get away to start my life over by myself while I still have the means and energy to do it. I doubt I'll ever be taken in by another like him because my eyes are opened even wider now that I know more about sociopaths and narcissistics. My other house doesn't have a lake but it does have 3 beautiful acres (relatively flat and doesn't flood! to start my fruit, nut and berry orchard on... again. (Sigh!) Oh, well. It'll keep me busy and out of trouble.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
9 Jul 11
Congrats on your future home and new life ahead. I know how you have suffered and I am glad that you are deciding to do what's best for you versus thinking of him all the time and what he needs. I think that all my ex b/f's were sociopaths..thank goodness I didn't marry them though.
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
9 Jul 11
Thank you, Jen! I guess I'm a sucker for a sob story and his story of not being wanted by his parents just tore at my heart strings. Now that I know that parents like his are the main cause of sociopathy, I'll know what to look out for in the future, although I am not planning on getting married again, ever. But, I'll be able to avoid dating anyone like that, too, should I decide to date again. You were very, very lucky you didn't marry them. I was, unfortunately, fooled by my husband's pretty good pretense at being a "normal" human being before we were married.
@surfer222 (1715)
• Indonesia
9 Jul 11
sorry to hear that... i hope after divorced you'll have a better life. did i know a narcissistic sociopath? No, but i don't think a person wake up one morning and decided to be a narcissistic sociopath... i think they became like that because of experiences in their life has mold them into narcissistic sociopath. so i feel sorry for him too or at least i feel sorry that in the past no one intervene in his life to prevent him to became the man he is today... How to deal with it? i don't know but i think get as far away from him is the best we can do..
@KrauseHome (34153)
• United States
9 Jul 11
My boss I would consider to be considered one. He does not really care about anyone or anything going on with most of the people who work there. The ones who seem to have a lot of Health issues like I do are the ones he seems to treat the worst. He is always challenging me, and not wanting to believe anything, and even threatened to let me go when I had a migraine just because I tried to call in. Even since coming back after being in the Hospital and still dealing with a lot of other Health issues, he has said I need to quit being late, even though I am supposed to be taking it easy on my leg until it heals, and my production is too low it makes me wonder. Why does he not say anything to someone who even with my being an hr. and 15 mins. late for taking the least calls when the person above me who was there the whole shift only took 6 more than me? Wow!! The nerve.
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
9 Jul 11
Hi Tina. That kind of person never sees what we do, only what we don't do. I had a boss like that a long time ago but I think my boss was horrible only because the business he owned was illegal for the most part. (They collected donations for various charities and were supposed to keep 50% of whatever they collected but they were keeping 90%. I left once the FBI and undercover detectives came in to arrest him!) The way I look at these types is that they have to live with themselves. They are their own worst enemies. They can't possibly be happy. If I were you, I'd go to the closest library and pick up some books on medical and/or legal terminology and learn, learn, learn! Then, look for online jobs doing medical or legal transcription. I used to do that until my memory problems began to get in the way. I had to quit but the jobs are out there. I worked for a company called SpeakWrite who provide general and legal transcription services to their clients. They're a pretty big company and only use home workers. Besides that one, there are MANY medical transcription jobs available for online work. Think about it!
@lumenmom (1997)
• United States
20 Jul 11
I too have the misfortune to be married to one of those. No matter crap he takes us through as a family (meaning me, our daughter, and my stepson) it is never his fault. He does whatever he can to get praise and attention including making up a fairytale life that he tells to everyone he meets. I contemplate leaving him all the time and have almost done it a few times but things did not work out for me. Now with lots of health issues (mainly due to stress which mostly I can attribute to him) it is that much harder to leave. Boy, I wish I had done it when it was physically easier. Being the charismatic person that he is, I guess I did not want to see him for what he was. I am glad you are leaving your and believe me, you are doing the right thing!
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Jul 11
Oh Marti dear.... did you really need a reason after all he's done to you and your family to leave him? Seriously. You shouldn't have any guilt what so ever! You've done all you could to make your marriage work and you shouldn't need anybody to tell you that. He's the one who dropped the ball and numerous times but you don't need me to tell you that because you know that already. Yes I was so unlucky enough to marry such a guy. It was about 25 years or so ago but I'll never forget it. My ex thought he didn't have any reprecussions in what he did until he met me! One month the dumb @ss asked me to pay the electric bill next month so he could have the money to spend it the way he wanted to!! He really thought life revolved around him so it's no wonder we lasted only 3 years. It was the longest 3 years of my life! BUT, it was an experience that taught me a lot and that I knew what to look for the next time around, IF there was to be a next time around. LOL Luckily I found my man 20 years ago and I married him almost on a dime and been with him ever since! You'll find yours too one day. Just hang in there sweetie, there is somebody out there that wants to treat you right.
@Cutie18f (9564)
• Philippines
10 Jul 11
I can see that it is indeed hard to live with someone like your husband. It is best to go your own separate way or else you will be living a life full of misery for the rest of your life. I support you in what you have decided. It is bound to happen if you're married to a person like that.
• United States
10 Jul 11
Hi Mentalward, While I don't think that reading articles on the Internet and other places is a good way to diagnose someone with a specific mental illness, I wouldn't accept bad behavior by any means. I would leave if the marriage was ruined, but if it could be saved, I would also give that a try. We usually marry the wrong people, and we do it for a reason... and then later we see the mistake we made. I knew my husband had a roving eye when I married him, so why did I leave when he cheated for the second time? I should have not married him in the first place. I wonder what my poor choice in men says about me?
@AmbiePam (46873)
• United States
9 Jul 11
I do hope you are happier. He had defintely emotionally abandoned you. I hate how he he has treated you. I believe my uncle, my mother's brother is a sociopath. My mom believes it too. Before she got dementia, she brought it up one time. She also said she thinks if he had not been brought up in a good home like they were, he coud have easily turned into a criminal.