What would you advise a friend if she has "marriage problems?"
By enelym001
@enelym001 (8322)
Philippines
October 11, 2011 7:12am CST
They aren't married legally, they have been living together for 4 or 5 years i guess, and have one cute and adorable baby.
One day she told me she was falling in love with his colleague, mmmm 10 years younger than her. I told her not to entertain that guy and if any problem with his husband, try to fix it first. But too late coz eventually she told me they were "boyfriend/girlfriend" already.
Her only problem with his husband is they don't have much to talk about, like topics to talk about when they're at home. Her hubby seems to like hanging outside their house talking with friends, it's just outside like 5 steps away from home only. For me, I did not see it a a MAJOR problem, but for her it is...
Has anyone ever felt the same thing towards their husband, losing their feelings because they don;t have enough to talk about? I guess it's what they said, having no time for each other loses feelings.
What should i advise her? Am i right encouraging her to try to talk about what she feels to his husband? It might seem that I'm not letting her be happy with another guy, but my concern is their little baby.
2 people like this
13 responses
@siri26 (331)
• India
12 Oct 11
Absolutely correct dear encouraging your friend to talk with her husband. Communication is one of the major problems right now for breakup. Without talking to each other how they know about their partner. If we have any problem just try to discuss with the people whom we have a problem with. That's the only way we can solve easily. Coming to these kind of relation it's very important to talk and understand each other. They both need to sit together and discuss why they got this gap and the feelings towards each other. They have been living together from past 5 years because of understanding. Now that's what missing I think....
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
14 Oct 11
Correct! Partners are supposed to be your bestfriend, right? SO whatever the issue is try to discuss it to him so that he will realized what his fault was.... She should not expect his husband to be a mind reader... =)
@rjkolth (27)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
I am a man, and I know how hard to accept if I know that my wife or girlfriend cheated on me... there are two options for this.
The first one is, ask her if she is really not happy with her relationship with her husband, then it's time to CUT IT OUT!... you can't live a life that full of doubts and full of torments, just tell her that she must be aware for the circumstances.
The second options is FOLLOW HER HEART... quite simple. but it work's.
But if ever that incident will happen to my life, I'll let my girl go if she's not happy with me anymore.
Your friend is choosing two roads now. The road for saving a relationship... and the road for her happiness... it's up to her now which one to choose. Hope this one will help..
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
nice to hear from a man's side...
the sad fact is that, when i advised her to talk to his husband about her feelings and end up the relationship with him.... she said she don't want becoz she thinks about the baby. If she goes back to her family's home with her baby, it wouldnt be comfortable for the both of them, she came from a big family with small house. I told her that if she cant leave the comfort and good life her husband gave her, and just waiting for the right time (plans of working outside the country) to leave him... it is really unfair for him!
He has been a good provider (even if the source comes from guy's parents in the US), she and her baby was fed fairly well and given a lot of things, loved by his family too... so i guess she should try to fixed herself... Because it is only her that needs to do the action to fix everything just by talking to her husband about every thing since he is unaware of what she feels. well she said it to him before, but maybe he thinks it is not a serious issue.
I just hope she is confused and still find the courage to talk about all these issues with her hubby.
@rjkolth (27)
• Philippines
14 Oct 11
I will advice that she must stay with her husband and don't be so selfish. Look, if he choose to leave her husband, there would be two person will get hurt. Her husband and their baby. Just save their relationship for the sake of the baby. She don't want to raised her baby without knowing her baby's father, isn't it?
@derek_a (10874)
•
12 Oct 11
I would support a friend, but never give advice as I have other friends with whom it has backfired. Whatever another person's karma, I would not interfere with that, but if they needed practical help I would give, but as for what they do about the situation is something for them to decide. They would have to look at all the options. It is wise for a couple to talk about their problems, but what they talk about it up to them. Life is just not that straight forward and I would have to be very careful about what I said, because it could be taken in the wrong way, and later on, I could get blamed for something going wrong, when all I wanted to do was to help. 
_Derek
_Derek@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
I've been in that trouble so many times between office colleagues, in the end I was left the one who can't be trusted. But sometimes that's how it goes.
But with my best friend, I am not actually pushing her to do what I advised her to do. I am only telling her what would happen if... or just my opinion about the new guy, and what options she would do in case she talks to her husband about her problem with him. The good thing was that, I am not close at all with her husband, no way to tell him about her wife. And never will I say it to him, as I know my limits to their relationship.
SOme options I gave her was to talk to the hubby. Second, if situation becaomes worst, then leave him. Third, find a really good work so she still can manage to sustain the needs of herself and her baby. Last, don't just leave ur husband for another man. I think that is the only unselfish thing I advised her LOL.
I can never tell her to go and be happy with the new young guy, why? He doesn't have a good paying job. Told her if she ever gets seprated with hubby and fall in love again. It must be to someone who can support their needs. Not someone she will support. Lastly, he is just 19 years old and my friend is 30.
@megamatt (14292)
• United States
12 Oct 11
I am the last person really anyone should ask about marriage problems. As when you think about it, for some people, being married at all is the problem. Still there are going to be issues if you are going to be together and heaven forbid if you drag children into the entire sordid affair. There are going to be a lot of times where it is hard to see something destruct in such a manner.
I think that in the end, married people should try and work out the problems themselves. A third party, unless a trained professional and even then it's not certain, interjecting seldom ends rather well. There are just a lot of times where people want to help but they can help more, by not really not helping to say the very least.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
Indeed true, but she asked for my opinion too. She was confused and seeking some enlightenment from different friends close to her. 3 different views from 3 different people, one is me being her girl bestfriend. A guy bestfriend and a close lady friend. i guess it would make her more confused after hearing all 3 different views from us. But i hope she will somehow be enlightened.
Sometimes it is not always good keeping problems by yourself, especially people like my friend who don't want to talk this issue with her husband. The least that we can do as her friend is give her our advises and opinions we dont force to do, it's for her to think.
@globaldoc (858)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
This is actually more sensitive that it seems. A friend who has marriage problems will be in dire need for advice, and will be willing to eat sand if told to do so. This is the reason why I always advise friends to remember the vow he took. He should always put pride aside, and put priority for his wife, no matter how unpleasant it may be. After all, she is the spouse.
@sanofer (525)
• India
12 Oct 11
its not only a problem with a guy but also with a girl. If her husband didnt spend time with him,she would have spoken to her husband about what she is thinking. But she have started a relationship with an another guy.both your friend and her husband are cheating each other and there is no point of trust and loyalty in their relationship.so sad of that kid they are having who is the loser at the end of the story.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
I still believe that with sound advise from someone who cares about her and her family, she will find the better solution to this. I just hope none of her other friends would encourage her that it is better to leave the relationship.......... that is really sad, sometimes optimistic and "kinda modern" friends boost her confidence in doing what is not right.
@ladygator (3465)
• United States
11 Oct 11
I have had this problem once from lack of communication with my husband. But I had to really decide for both of us that I love him and want to remain in my relationship. If she has not talked it out with her husband then he might not know anything is wrong and really be dedicated to their relationship and thats not fair to him, her or the baby. She is allowing her emotions to take over her rational thinking. People, especially girls tend to seek out that passion and fun if they are not getting it from their partner. They crave it, But this is really the wrong way to go about this. and she should not be happy with this guy because how happy can she really be when she is tearing her family apart and deceiving her husband?
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
well said ladygator! i agree with everything you said... i just wish she's reading these kinds of stuff... not only those quotes that persuades her to do the un-right things.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
11 Oct 11
I think you are right. She should talk to her husband about how she has been feeling. They need to both make an effort to fix things. Or if it just won't work, then they need to work together to end things amicably. Otherwise there is going to be anger and bitterness between them which isn't good for their child.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
She should really find the courage coz hubby thought everything is smooth between them, and no long talks is just fine for the two of them... but it isn't for the wifey. I hope so she would open her feelings up coz i feel her bitterness and disinterest talking about their "marriage" life.
@missyphoebe (289)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
your friend is lucky to have you as a friend :)
what you can do is : listen and advise her. it's their relationship so only your friend and her hubby can fix their prob.
advise her to stop cheating coz it does not solve their prob. maybe she likes the attention the other man is giving her or maybe she just wants to feel loved. But then again she is a mother already so for the sake of her child she should not enter another relationship wherein she is currently living with her Husband or boyfriend (since you told us that they are not yet married).
so, top priority : make her listen to you. to stop/end her relationship with BF#2
then, try fixing her relationship with BF#1.
things to do:
1. advice her that she should talk with him.
2. they should go out and date
3. reconnect
4. have a vacation
and if they can't fix their relationship and they did all they can to make it work but failed then they should break up and make an angreement on how they should raise their child (who would get custody, sched visit from the other parents etc)
hope that helps! But I really hope that they can patch up. ^___^
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
I think there is a bigger problem behind the mis-communication.
I don't think having less talk is the only reason for her problem.
Maybe there is something serious that she cannot just disclose to you.
But she needs to fix her situation first before entering into another problem.
Or else she will be caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
have a good day 
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
Right, I have advised the very same thing to her.. fix her issues with her husband before completely plunging into a new relationship, if all else fails between her and hubby.
She seems like on a cloud 9 whenever talking about his young colleague-boyfriend.
I still believe she isn't the type who runs away with another guy.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
12 Oct 11
Well, I've never had these kinds of problems with my husband and we've been together for almost ten years now and married for seven of those years. I do think that talking to your spouse on a regular basis is a very important part of making a relationship work. You need to talk about the good things that are going on in your life along with the problems that you might be having in your marriage. Without communication, I don't think that a relationship can survive.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
12 Oct 11
Good communication between couples is definitely an important factor in marriage. It is always important in every relationship, even with friends and families.
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
12 Oct 11
I think doing all you can to try to keep them together is a good thing. Once children are involved the whole situation changes. I hope they can work it out. I am not sure I understand why they have nothing to talk about..surely they have some similar interests and can discuss them. To begin with..they do have a baby they can plan for ..I wish them well and good for you for being a good friend and trying to make the situation better.
@marie_cuizon (191)
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
Hi enelym! Your friend's problem is quite complicated. I believe that it always takes two to tango. What i mean is that, it's not only your friend's husband who committed a fault in their relationship but your friend as well did commit a mistake. She shouldn't blame her husband alone. Her infidility has even make their problematic relationship even worse. She should have confronted her husband or open up her feelings to him. Because he might not even know that he's already hurting your friend/wife with his negligence and for him it was just like nothing. I think they both need to be matured in their married life for their child's sake and for their "family" as a whole. I think it's not ye too late for them to patch things up. Your friend is lucky to have you Enely, who cared for their married life.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
11 Oct 11
You are also correct Marie! If she never let herself fall in love with another guy or let that younger guy step in, she would only have one simple problem... that is seriously discussing and fixing things with her husband. Problems with her hubby are the things I think she is using to convince me (or maybe other friends she has at work) that falling in love with another guy can take away her daily pressures and thoughts about her hubby. Not sure about it but that's how I seem to see it.
I am not so close with her hubby but i still feel he has the right to know what's her wife's feelings. Wish she will have the courage to talk to him about it. I also do think they can patch things up =)
