Do you stay away with friends who asked for your help?
By enelym001
@enelym001 (8322)
Philippines
November 25, 2011 9:01am CST
A friend of mine, Katie, told me about our common friend, Nancy, who was working in another country. Katie asked Nancy whether she can help her out going there coz she really wants to work outside the country and is willing to spend for it. But Nancy seems to be unhelpful to her and discouraged her of going there. One of the issues is accommodation. Nancy says she cannot stay with her because her landlady is a bit strict. Katie wanted to be with Nancy as much as possible so that she can be guided by her.
I am not sure whether I will feel sad about Katie who just wanted to try working outside the country. Or I will understand Nancy that she’s just concerned it won’t be easy for Katie to find a job there. I somewhat understand Nancy because I know it’s really not easy going to another country without an employer. And I know accommodation sometimes is also a problem. I understand my sulking friend Katie too. Because she says she’s willing to spend for all her expenses and will pay for accommodation. And now Nancy’s not responding on her messages anymore.
Do you think Nancy just don’t wanna help her? Or Katie is just overreacting? I tried avoiding talking with them about this matter.
3 people like this
14 responses
@rencarl (620)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
Poor katie. all she needed was just a helping hand from a friend. maybe she must convince nancy a bit more.or if that will not work, i think she better do it herself. sometimes asking help from someone who gives an impression of no intention to help will just give you headaches because soon or later on in life, you will not have a peace of mind because you owe a debt of gratitude to somebody else. so better try do it your self.Katie must try her luck in her own.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Yeah I think that's a good idea too. Sometimes it's better to try her luck on her own. At least she don't owe anyone.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
She's already working here too long but couldn't earn. I guess the savings she's doing was already meant for traveling and finding a job outside the country. You know how the salary is here. And so she thought she might have a better salary in another country. She's still trying for some other friends or relatives that might help her out.
@airkulet (2700)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
That's really a tough situation for your friend, but in fairness with your friend who are already working abroad she don't take advantage on your friends willing to pay for all her expenses as I heard that many of our fellow promise a good job in return of paying them money. I say that your friend here should look first for an agency where she can guide and give also a work in abroad.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
@airkulet, Nancy actually invited me to move and try working there 4 years ago and she never asked me to send any money. Probably one of the reason too why Katie thinks, why she wasn't asked and got rejected when she asked for help.
It's easy to get a tourist visa there without the help of any friend and the only problem you'd have if you plan on looking for a job there is a place to stay. Hotels are really expensive so I guess that is what Katie's asking for her.
@jlyn, I agree with you there's a lot of agencies that just takes your money and leave you without a job.
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
25 Nov 11
Hello.. I think, Nancy is not doing her job well... As a friend she should help. If she can't help actively then at least, she should recapitulate the difficulties and problems. With her experience in the other country, she will be able to give some solution to Katie, as to how to manage to get a job and a place... As Katie is willing to pay for everything, she won't be a burden on Nancy; so there's no reason why Nancy should not help.... :)
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
I can understand both of them.
On Katie's side - I once asked for help too and paid for all the expenses I have to pay taking the risk of being there without a job. Fortunately my friend was so helpful of finding a good accommodation for me, she could not take me in as there is no vacant space in the building she's staying.
On Nancy's side - Working and residing in a different country is really tough. Especially if you have strict landlords and the work or career is not really stable. You will really be responsible for her, check on her whether she stay with you or not.
Nancy has a good paying job there. She can look for a different place for Katie to stay, but maybe Katie insist on staying with her as she may be scared to be alone in a new country.
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
26 Nov 11
I think you hit the nail on the head in response 2. It's a HUGE responsibility for Nancy to take on: if Katie doesn't find work, what happens? Nancy gets burdened with all the bills and everything else out of friendship.
I've actually been in the same situation (once) when a friend asked if she could stay with me in Paris while she found a place to live. The difference was that she already had a job sorted out - she just needed to find accommodation. Plus, she's one of those really "driven" people so I knew she'd find somewhere quick enough.
As it turned out - and here's a great example of why this kind of thing is such a responsibility - she was pregnant (her hubby was following her to Paris later, after selling property in Sicily) and ended up staying for about 6 months before finding somewhere!
In this particular case, everything was fine - we have a VERY strong friendship - but just imagine if that happened with someone who's just a friend... and who you end up having to support as well (which I didn't have to).
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
I see that point as well. If I am Nancy I might feel a little unhelpful too. But maybe I will try explaining Katie more about how the situation is really different from where she is.
We all are close friends back in the previous company we worked for. And spent most of our times together in my house after work. But sometimes we'd expect some changes when we all shifted to different companies and never seen each other for a long time, and seldom communicates with each other. So I guess the friendship was demoted from close friends to friends only
Thanks for sharing the similar experience you have with a friend. You've been a very good and dependable friend to her.
Thanks for sharing the similar experience you have with a friend. You've been a very good and dependable friend to her.
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
26 Nov 11
Hi enelym
That is more confusing than me 
Both are quite correct in their situations, but not responding to messages doesnt seem to go with. When traveling to a new place with plans to stay there and find a job, it always seems good to find some people from your place and try to stay with them until you find your way.
But one must understand that all dont go on well with accommodating another as they have a life and privacy of their own. This seems to be the case here (if I ignore the landlady).
But Katie can try to provide some leads for Nancy's stay that she can get via the newspapers or even the known people and that should be all the help that Nancy needs at the moment. It however depends on how close and what kind of friends they actually are.
That is more confusing than me
Both are quite correct in their situations, but not responding to messages doesnt seem to go with. When traveling to a new place with plans to stay there and find a job, it always seems good to find some people from your place and try to stay with them until you find your way.
But one must understand that all dont go on well with accommodating another as they have a life and privacy of their own. This seems to be the case here (if I ignore the landlady).
But Katie can try to provide some leads for Nancy's stay that she can get via the newspapers or even the known people and that should be all the help that Nancy needs at the moment. It however depends on how close and what kind of friends they actually are.1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Hello thesids
You're right that's exactly what I did before. I asked a good friend to help me out and hopes to stay where she stays. Unfortunately there's no place for me in her building... but she managed to find a decent room for me.
You're right that's exactly what I did before. I asked a good friend to help me out and hopes to stay where she stays. Unfortunately there's no place for me in her building... but she managed to find a decent room for me.
@wittynet (4421)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Hello, enelym001! I, myself, am also dreaming of working abroad. I have already requested my sister to sponsor me. At first, she agreed. But now, she's telling me that it's not that easy and if I would like to, I can apply in other countries and she'll help me with all the fees. She said that it's the only thing that she can do because it's not easy to sponsor someone who's planning to work in Europe. I know that it's her way of saying that she doesn't like additional problem.
With regard to your friend Katie, tell her that she should understand Nancy. Nancy does not want to help Katie because she doesn't want to have additional headache. Of course, Katie needs to pay for her expenses. Don't expect Nancy to pay for her. But the point here is Katie will be dependent to Nancy. That is a burden to your friend Nancy.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
27 Nov 11
In your case, I understand your sister because it's not really easy going there. Big money is concerned on that. My friend Nancy is in a country where if we want to go we can just apply for a tourist visa and once reaching there we can apply for a one year stay/residency. What Katie's after is an assurance that she will be going there with someone whom will guide her when she's there. I do understand her as well because it's hard to be alone in a new country.
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
26 Nov 11
My thoughts on this one...dear...you must walk "the middle of the road!" You are embroiled in a "no win" contraversy here...and you're danged if you do, and danged if you don't agree with one, or the other!
The are humungous minuses and pluses for visiting/working in another country...but I think one must have employment and accomodation! I would NOT be making this trek without having all my ducks in a row! Happy weekend!@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
A very, very wise soul...you are dear enelym! But I, for one would not like to be in the middle of this controversy!
I also did not realize, you were a "travelled" soul! Interesting to find out your opinion on the "foreign to you" country you lived and worked in!
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
29 Nov 11
that was more than a year ago when I decided to come back home.. I am now into decision whether to go and work in another country again. I've explained accommodation issues with Katie and she still insist she will pay. and even told me that if I maybe is still in another country, she thought I will help her... gave me a hard thought on it as I don't want any issues between us if I'm already settle with the job and accommodation, it's easy to help but if not well...
if I'm already settle with the job and accommodation, it's easy to help but if not well...@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Indeed, I'll be danged if I take sides! So I have listened to both sides. Given them both little words. But the decision will still be up to them.
I, as well won't be going without everything settled. It's hard taking risk on a country new to me. 'Though I have tried it before, I was just lucky having a close friend who helped me out, not on finances. But on getting me an accommodation to rent out and assisting me on finding a job.
So I have listened to both sides. Given them both little words. But the decision will still be up to them.
I, as well won't be going without everything settled. It's hard taking risk on a country new to me. 'Though I have tried it before, I was just lucky having a close friend who helped me out, not on finances. But on getting me an accommodation to rent out and assisting me on finding a job.1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Nancy may have been telling the truth when she told Katie about her strict landlord. We handled rental units for a couple of decades. On the rental agreement, we specified how many persons would be occupying the unit. A renter was allowed overnight guests, but only for 3 days. If they stayed longer than that, either the agreement had to be renegogiated and the rent adjusted, or everyone had to move out. It may also be that Nancy may know Katie better than you do and would not consider her to be a desirable roommate. I've had friends that I dearly love but could not live with them. For one or maybe yet another reason, Nancy does not want to take Katie in. Probably she fears telling Katie the reason for this for fear of losing her friendship. There are other reasons for Nancy being unable to accommodate Katie, such as a live-in boyfriend. There are also immigration laws. You are right. Stay out of it, but don't be too hard on Nancy.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
27 Nov 11
Hi bellis,
thanks for giving the views of a landlord I think you're right on this, as I've tried renting on several units too. That is probably the real reason. Nancy tried to explain her side to me, thinking that I also know it since I have lived in another country too. Maybe times are harder now, she invited me to move there with her before. And maybe Katie's just feeling a bit down when she got rejected.
I think you're right on this, as I've tried renting on several units too. That is probably the real reason. Nancy tried to explain her side to me, thinking that I also know it since I have lived in another country too. Maybe times are harder now, she invited me to move there with her before. And maybe Katie's just feeling a bit down when she got rejected.
@zhaozy (33)
• China
10 Dec 11
I think since they are good friend,Nancy Katie should try to help resolve the accommodation problem,if their lack of capacity,it should be understood to tell Katie.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
14 Dec 11
Hi zhaozy,
Yes I think both should just understand each other. Thank you for your response.
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
10 Dec 11
You right, my friend. Going to another country is not just easy like going to the province...
We are in the Philippines, and we that there are many requirements to go to other countries most especially in the United States or Europe.
We need more money to pay agencies or as show money if we prefer to be a tourist. Your friend wanted to help but there's reason for her to refuse...it's not easy to find an employer most of these days...
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
13 Dec 11
If your friend really want to go to other country. Macau and Singapore, are easy to go with and just need someone there to live then find jobs there before tourist visa expire...
My sister is in Macau and no need for her to apply in the agency but just buy a back and forth ticket then looking for jobs...now, my sister is not illegally work in Macau, because her employer submit necessary permits and other document to legally work in there...
What you need to go to Macau is small amount of money...then you are there? But if your friend is a nurse better to apply in the United State, because she is free to go there if she has CGNFS, ILTES or anything that is required by the American government
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
14 Dec 11
Hi aerous,
I think she doesn't want to take risk going to another country without someone she knew. That is why she was asking for Nancy's help. Well I guess now she might get some help from a relative, so far that's the last news she told me about trying for another country. Not sure when is she really going coz she's still working here.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
11 Dec 11
Yes that is true.
And I've heard now that going to that country, which is actually near to our country, has been very strict lately. I've told Katie about that. And I hope she understood Nancy now.
@Graceekwenx (3160)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
Hi Enelym! in my opinion, the reason why Nancy hesitates to assist is because she probably sees that Katie might become a burden to her. As for Katie, i hope im wrong if i think that she is being naive. Life is terribly hard when you work outside your country especially that Katie is simply trying out her luck. I find it too risky. Since Nancy is her friend, she would also feel accountable for what might happen to Katie.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
Hello Gracee!
I also feel the same thing. She probably don't wanna take responsibility in case Katie won't be successful looking for a job. When Katie told me about it, I just tried telling her she has to understand Nancy because residing/staying in another country is far too different in our country (philippines). You can't stay free there and normally there's a limit on the quantity of person that will be allowed.
1 person likes this
@starsailover (7829)
• Mexico
29 Nov 11
Hi enelym: I think that's really sad and I actually think she actually didn't want to help her 'friend'. I don't know why people act this way. Is probably because they are selfish so they see helping others more like a problem. I mean, if she really want to help her she could do something, at least giving her and advise.
ALVARO
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
29 Nov 11
I am not sure about Nancy... she's a good friend but I don't know maybe I understand her point too and maybe Katie just hasn't experienced such situations working/residing in another country. I think she is not selfish she just don't want to have a burden maybe, like everyone in here thought about Nancy.
But about the selfish friends you're saying.. they do exist too. Another friend of mine has this same situation.. but those people don't even give a hint that they wanted to help. They are telling this friend of mine that it is not good working on the countries they work and hard to find a job these days there. To think that my friend is an experienced accountant in another country too but just decided to come back here to setup a business for sometime; and now thinking of working in another country again.
@Jlyn10 (11966)
• Malaysia
25 Nov 11
It could be that what Nancy said is true, that accommodation is a problem and maybe she's having some hard times there as well and doesn't want Katie to fall into the same position as she is in right now. And besides Nancy has already told her that her landlady is strict, maybe that could be true as well because when you rented the place, it was meant for only one person and not for two.
Nancy is probably fed up at the moment because Katie kept insisting on wanting to go there despite what Nancy has told her.
Hmmm, I sound like a counselor.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
I think you're right, she maybe fed up answering Katie's questions and is trying to cool down for some time. All I know is that she has shifted accommodation for about 3 times. Hahah everyone participating in this discussion actually sounds like a counselor
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
27 Nov 11
well Katie's willing to spend for everything she have it all ready. But I also don't blame Nancy, things are always not the same.. it may really be difficult sometimes.
