That argument again.

@asyria51 (2870)
United States
December 8, 2011 10:18pm CST
How do you handle having the same argument over and over and over again with the same person? My husband and I have two ongoing arguments. We let them slide for a bit, but then they rear their ugly heads again. Today it was the "equitable division of labor" argument. I think I do more, he thinks he does more, we argue don't get anywhere and really do not feel any better about it. The other is how we use our free time. I play on sites like this, which he feels is pointless. He spends it playing video games...which I feel is truly pointless. Do you just agree to disagree or what?
3 people like this
6 responses
• United States
9 Dec 11
As far as what you spend your free time doing, you do what you each like to do. It doesn't matter if he thinks what you like is pointless and you think what he likes is pointless, it's what you two like to do. With this subject you two should be able to relate to each other. You don't like it when he tells you that the websites you like are pointless and if you told him his video games are pointless, I'm sure he doesn't appreciate that either. If the reason you feel that each other's hobbies are "pointless," is actually a problem that lays deeper, (such as you want to do something with each other instead of just your solo hobbies) then you would need to address this into the argument. My only suggestion for the "equitable division of labor" is to make a chart together based on a point system. Measure how difficult each of your jobs are, decide wheather money should play a role in the points, (I personally don't think money should be included) And then measure out how many points each household chore should be, errands and anything else that should be added to this chart. Make sure you decide what each job, chore or errand's point value should be together so that it is fair. After that tally up the chores, job, and errands and see who has more points. Men are very visual, he won't be able to argue something in front of his face.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
9 Dec 11
We make the same amount...within a few hundred dollars so money really does not play a role in it. I like the point system on chores. i know in our household, we do more loads of laundry than we do loads of dishes in the dish washer and laundry is more time intensive than loading and unloading the dishwasher. We tried just making a list of things that have to be done daily, like general pick up, things that are ongoing(dishes and laundry) and things that have to be done every week (dusting, vacuuming, mopping etc) and just setting a timer for a set amount of time everyday, but I was still working past that timer to get stuff done because it had to be done. My big thing is that I get our child to and from the sitter every day. Even though my sitter is just a few blocks from my job, it takes about an extra 10 to 15 minutes every morning and at least 5 every evening. He does have to drive further for his job, but because he has to leave earlier I also have to do all of the get my daughter ready for the day....including the inevitable temper tantrums.
• United States
10 Dec 11
I am a stay at home mom until my husband gets out of the Marines. There are a lot of men who work very hard and come home to naggy wives who hand over the kids as soon as they get home. I usually take care of my son pretty much by myself. If I want or need a break I ask my husband to help and he does willingly. He works 10 hour days 5 days a week. Sometimes more and it isn't hard to take care of our son. He's pretty easy. I do all of our laundry but when we go back to our hometown, we will share the responsabilities equally because I will go back to work. My husband and I make a pretty good team, but I could definately see how he could slack off when it comes to our son. It might just be the way men think, that the woman should have more responsibility with the children. Even if they aren't sexist, that was the way it was for a very long time, so it could just be hardwired in their brains lol. Any way, if these arguments are your biggest ones then you are doing really good.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
13 Dec 11
they really have been our biggest arguments. We mostly agree with money. The little things money wise was settled with each of us taking the same amount out each paycheck to spend however we want. I usually take half of my fun money and put it in our travel account that I started a year or so ago. If there is something that I really want then I buy it, otherwise, I spend my money on stuff for my child or for my sitter who I know is having rough times financially.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
9 Dec 11
Those are such common and pointless arguments in marriages, relationships. When I was married, I really did not mind doing a good share of the housework. I liked cleaning and I liked cooking. I think I did way more than 50% of the household chores and I was fine with it for the most part. What would get me going would be if I was too busy to do something and he just expected it as if it were MY job. We had children too and so yes, there were times that it was too much. The children and the home are a shared responsibility. There should be no gender boundaries on the chores involved to keep things running smoothly. While I did the dishes MOST of the time simply because I didn't mind, if I couldn't then he should rather than complain just do them. It should be two people working together to keep the home running smoothly. As for spare time activities...to each his own.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
13 Dec 11
I don't think that I really mind doing the work...even laundry is bearable when I feel that I am not the only one doing something. He will say that he will spend time with our daughter while I go to do housework, and the next thing i know my child is trying to "help" me with something that she just cannot help with, which makes my job that much more difficult and time consuming.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
13 Dec 11
Yes..that is what I was trying to express. I quite often felt as if he wasn't working with me as a team. Like I remember one argument we had. He had cleaned the bathroom while I was at work. I came home and I did use the bathroom and had not noticed it. I'm sure I would have eventually but he was apparently eagerly awaiting to hear my appreciation. When it didn't happen, he pitched a little fit because I didn't notice and I didn't thank him. Don't you know, that didn't go well. I cleaned the bathroom 99.9% of the time and not once EVER got a thankyou! Same thing with taking care of the kids. When HE wanted to do something, I made sure the kids left him alone. Yet when it was me...he was just like your husband. Next thing I know they'd be following me around and clinging while he did his own thing.
• United States
9 Dec 11
We got to the point where we don't argue about much of anything anymore. We were always arguing over something with my child. She is not here now and we are doing great. If and I mean if something starts and we start to bicker he will say ok and stop or I just shut and and we stop.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
9 Dec 11
I found out when my hubby would just say okay, he would become passive aggressive. When I would shut up, i would bottle it up and stress eat. I swear that we have the same arugment every two to three months. Mostly it is my husband complaining that he does not have a specific thing washed, not that he has nothing to wear. My thing has always been if you need something specific by a certain time, let me know and i will get it done, otherwise, I just do what I have available and in the hamper.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
9 Dec 11
Asyria, You should NOT be responsible for your Hubby's laundry. It's nice that you don't mind doing it but if you don't get to it, it ultimatley should be HIS problem. He should appreciate that you do it...not expect it. When I was married, my hubby and I kept our laundry separate. We each did our own and I did the kids and the towels, sheets etc. If I was doing laundry and had the time, I'd do his and he did appreciate. Likewise, he did mine and sometimes did the kids etc too.
@bnsp09 (258)
• United States
9 Dec 11
We have the first argument all the time! I think that both of us just need to realize that just because they don't do as much as we feel they should does not mean that they are not doing their best. I get irritated because he spends so much time in the garage half the time I feel like I'm a single mom because he's either at work, asleep, in the bathroom or working in the garage. When do I get help cleaning the house, bathing the kids, taking our daughter to dance doing laundry, cooking, and playing with our kids. I'm not the only one. I completely understand how you feel. I feel like he spends too much time in the garage & he thinks I spend too much time on here or facebook. I also spend a lot of time scrap booking and looking up stuff for our wedding (which of course any guy could care less about - they want the marriage what cake or dress or decorations don't matter to them) How do we make sure the arguments don't come up is a very good question! I think trying to think how you'd feel in the others shoes! That's my best guess. Doing that has helped us not fight for the last couple days so we'll see. Good Luck and let me know if it works for you
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
13 Dec 11
I really thought that we had it worked out....we had gone almost 8 months without having that argument...then work had me swamped and for about a week I was not doing my share(the opposite of normal) and he started picking with the why isn't laundry done, why are there toys all over the house, why is the table covered with junk...needless to say, the junk on the table was not mine, it was mail that does not put itself away, toys and diaper bag stuff...that again do not put themselves away.
@bird123 (10347)
• United States
9 Dec 11
Sounds to me like one is trying to control the other. Solution:Equitable division of labor. Simple, when you work, carry a timer. Equal hours regardless of the type of work until it's all done. Next, allow your partner the freedom to do their pointless activities if that's what they want to do. Schedule time for things you can enjoy together. Apart is good, but together should always be close to your hearts. With a good plan, everything you really want to do can get done.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
13 Dec 11
I tried the timer thing years ago and all it did was piss me off. Do I start the timer for each thing I pick up off the floor. While in theory it is a good idea it just did not work for us.
9 Dec 11
Arguing on the same point is fruitful provided the merit it deserves. For example if it's an argument on any political situation , personalities , subjects like economics etc. An argument between the husband and the wife rarely gets anywhere mainly due to the nature of the relationship. An argument over and again on the same matter involves covering the subject from various angles and thus one can come out with a number of useful points. Every aspect gets covered , and one can ponder whether anything's has been left out. Therefore , the subject matter , the forum and the people participating in the argument are of vital importance. The wife enjoys playing on sites like this while the husband plays video games. There's no point arguing on these worthless matters. It's like one enjoys fruits while the other not. There's no end to arguments but no use in arguing over small daily household aspects over and again , which is a waste of time and really gets one nowhere.
@asyria51 (2870)
• United States
13 Dec 11
If we moved on past the same points it could be beneficial...however, I am pretty sure that when the argument starts I could play both roles in the play version without having to look over the script. It is a completely predictable argument, but it is one that we have not come up with a solution to.