Help! Don't Want My Mother In Law Around All The Time
By MoonGypsy
@MoonGypsy (4606)
United States
April 9, 2012 7:00pm CST
don't get me wrong, me and her are very close. i love her and she love me like i was her own flesh and blood daughter. this is why this is hard for me. me and my bf recently moved in our new home. my mother in law wants to come over all the time. i mean, everyday.she wants to cook in our kitchen, she wants to do laundry in our laundry room, she wants to store her stuff in our back yard shed. she wants us to keep her company and listen to her tell us the same story over and over to death. i can't afford that, not on a regular basis. i home school my children. she knows that. there is no television in my living room. as of yet, no couch or chairs. she said she didn't care. what else would she do but interrupt me while i am trying to give my kids school. you can forget about my bf entertaining her, that's not even his dynamic with her. so, it would be up to me to entertain her. i love her. i know she has no where else to go. everyone else (the rest of his brothers and sisters) have moved away. now we are stuck with her wanting to be around us all the time.
when i say she wants to invade our space like (my bf doesn't want it either, worse than i do), she told me she wants to cook in my kitchen, have us keep her company and sit at our house all day until she has to go back to her domiciliary. i am being mean by not wanting that? what should i do, or tell her so that i won't hurt her feelings. every time i talk to her she talks about starting to come over. she is going around telling everybody that we won't let her over our house. this is true to an extent (on both me and my bf's part). we just haven't given her our address or went to go get her. it's because once that starts, she is going to come over, dump her stuff in our place, cook in our kitchen, yell at my kids, interrrupt me while i am trying to teach them....we live different life styles. she likes things a certain way and it's OUR house, not hers. it's OUR kids, not hers!
this is so much pressure, cause i love her. she has a problem with chronic homelessness, over-weight, unmotivated, bad with money, no income, no skills...the whole nine yards. she can't help act this way, but we need our boundaries respected. thank you for any and all light shed in advance.
2 people like this
5 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Apr 12
Hi Moon,
I agree with Barehugs on this. As hard as it may be, you have to be straight up and honest with her or you will get sucked in and you'll be miserable and you won't be so loving towards her. It's kind of like how I put it in another discussion of yours. Tell her that you value your friendship with her so much and that if you don't set bounderies then you know that friendship will eventually be ruined. I get the feeling that she is in an assisted living place of some sort?? I am also guessing that it would not be easy for her to just make her way over to your place unless you go and get her??
My mother was pretty overbearing too. She called me non-stop and just wanted all my attention all the time. Before she got real sick, I devoted one afternoon/evening just for her each week. On Weds. afternoons, I would pick her up and bring her to my place. We'd have coffee and chat and she'd get to spend some time with my girls and have dinner with us. If she needed to go to the store or anything, I'd run her after dinner and then take her home around 9pm. This seemed to work and cut back on the constant daily phone calls. Not sure if something like that would work for you and your mom in law or not?
It's a tough spot your in and I don't envy you a bit. Still honesty is the best. Even if she initially gets upset, I'm sure she will get over it and respect you for being truthful.
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
10 Apr 12
yes, in the end she will expect me for being truthful. at first though, she will be mad and withdraw from me. it's not that i don't want her over at all, it's just that i don't want her to do what she was doing over her other son's house. she even had a key after a while. i know she expect the same thing. in fact, when we first moved her. she expect us to put our children out of their rooms, so she could have one. she didn't ask. she told us. of course, it didn't happen. lol.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Apr 12
You HAVE to stand your ground and hopefully your husband will be right there backing you up so it doesn't appear to be all your decision but from all you say about her, she is not one that you can even give in a tiny little bit to or she will run with it and you'll be in trouble.
@mallorygosek (1)
• United States
10 Apr 12
i had a similar issue with my daughters grandmother, you just simply have to tell her that she is crowding, it might seem like it will hurt her feelings but it will actually make your relationship better in the long run.
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
11 Apr 12
you sound like it ended up well in the long run. this is good. do she understand at first? how did she take your position and when did she finally come around?
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
10 Apr 12
In this circumstance ( like in all others) Honesty is the best policy! This is a very awkward situation, where you care for your mother-in-law, and don't want to hurt her feelings, but you have no choice!
Begin immediately, sit her down and explain your feelings. Mention that this is Your life, Your house, and Your kids, and that you Need, and expect Privacy in Your own home!
Tell her to wait for your invitation before she comes over, ( perhaps you can arrange a time once a week when she can come to visit with her Grandkids) I know this sounds awful when shes a family member, but you have to do, what you have to do!
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
10 Apr 12
yes, i do have to do what i have to do. you are absolutely right. i am going to have to have this heart to heart with her on on next meeting. if i don't, i know she is the type to take advantage. thanks for the advise.
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
10 Apr 12
I totally feel sorry for ya! I bet she's just trying to be helpful and maybe earn her keep in your household. And of course being older she may not be tolerable of children as much as she was when she was raising her own. I know when we lived closer to our in-laws MIL would call weekly with some task for my hubby to do. It got annoying, every lil thing. So we moved a bit further out than where we were and they now hire someone to do those odd jobs. However, if they were going to pay someone why not pay their own child instead of a stranger? I roll my eyes when MIL talks half the time, as some of it is foolishness... like complaining about cobwebs in the attic and when is someone going to take care of them. Mind you she sits on a couch all day and doesn't leave the house but is worried about cobwebs in a place in her small home that she can't even see nor goes to.
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
11 Apr 12
see, i am not that patient with as you are. i would never ever let that happen. i don't care how impatient she is with children as she once was (and she is not that old, not even 50), she has no right to want to come to my house to stay and want to yell at my kids and complain all the time.
@deeksha_dams (34)
• India
10 Apr 12
Hmm..Well dear ..all i can say is be calm..as its not her fault but fault of her age.See i belong to India..In India we keep our old ones with us..we take it as a part of our life to serve our elders in their old age.Its a very famous saying that a as a person grows older his/her acts, behavior gets on the similar track as of a kid.So here its a religion to treat our old ones in the best way we can..because few are the blessed ones who get to serve their elders as one day we will also be that way.Here we also share our space...we also use the same kitchen..we all eat together,celebrate together.I know as we are young we often get irritated by people sharing our private space..but don't you feel life is short & its all about sharing n loving !!!..You can have two ways in your life..one have empathy n be humane 2nd...dont..choice is all yours...godbless n godluck.
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
10 Apr 12
i respect your culture, and i am sure she will agree with you since, she is the one in the situation. she would love to hear that. she is the kind of person who never wanted to take care of herself. she is not even in old age. she is like me, she had her kids when she was a kid. she is a young mother, not even in her 50's. she has a while to go yet. very young woman. so, i don't why she is pulling this kind of stuff.
you see, to see it your way for me is a a bit extreme cause in my country it's not quite like that. in our culture, we teach sharing, and caring for elders, but we also teach personal space and respecting others. now, not all follow the tradition. some people would agree with that part of your culture just for their own advantage. she's the type, so i can't let her take advantage of me cause i love her.
thanks so much for your post.
